#acceptance and commitment therapy

[verdantburner]

I have learnt from a decade of non-monogamy that Relationship security built on numbers or comparison will fail. This includes:

counting dates

keeping time equal or "fair".

primary/secondary dynamics

being better at X than metamour

Life fluxes and changes. Numbered comparison fails the test of time. Instead, here are ways to grow relationship security with a partner:

proactive quality time, and tell each other what you love about it.

craft rituals and special things you do together. Example, a parting ways ritual, we hug, kiss and say each other's names three times before heading off to do our own things.

grow trust by talking about hard feelings without laying blame. "I feel X, I need Y". (Y cannot be controlling another's behaviour)

Explicitly agree on your dynamic and balances of care. Frame the relationship as a team.

Assume each other's best intent.

Share reassurance based on the people in the relationship, what about them lights you up, that it's okay to have messy feelings, etc.

make plans, dream together, be silly.

There's another secret way to grow relationship security! Reflect on what you want to offer in relationship, decide, and do it. Do it imperfectly, and do it often. This overlaps with the last one, but you can grow it in your own time too. Exact details will vary by relationship. Examples could be:

Choosing your personal relationship values to orient towards: Graciousness, freedom, love that is open handed instead of grasping, kindness, playfulness.

Tend to your partner regularly, with food, massage, sex, anything that suits you both.

Commit to taking space, reflect and rest when you can't embody your values

Gifts, scheming cute surprises, regular lovenotes, whatever feels romantic to you

Respecting a partner's autonomy as a sovereign being

Focusing on what one can give instead of what one can get

Reminding myself that I want the world for my partners, everything I can give them, and then some!

There is assurance and security in deciding how you want to be and doing it. Let go of comparison. Notice fear and choose to move with love. You deserve to know the worth you bring to a relationship and stand confident in it.

[impzone]

well, what now?

[nebulaowls]

Values work is amazing! It helped me a lot, and i think everyone should try it!

I was taught it through the context of ACT and DBT but you don't need to know anything about those to benefit from it.

Values work is essentially finding the things that you really care about, breaking them down into their essential parts, and integrating them to help you through difficult stuff (like conflict, or life changes)

For me, it's helped me a lot with social difficulties and conflict. If someone is being shitty to me, i can draw on my values to figure out how to act. I might decide to call them in and try and resolve the conflict, because i value nonviolent communication, or i might decide to completely step back because i value my emotional safety.

If I'm the one not being great, i can draw on my values to call MYSELF in before someone else does.

I wanted to share an exercise i developed for myself, drawing on other resources, that really helps me identify my values in a productive way (i'm not a doctor or a therapist):

Write down something you feel strongly about. It might be a feeling, or a person, an event, political ideology, etc. (eg. anti racism)

Underneath that, write words that reflect what this thing means to you. You might find a thesaurus useful here. (eg. accountability, tolerance, truthtelling, sitting with discomfort, diversity)

Sit with these words and circle whichever ones speak to you the most (as few or as many as you want).

Rewrite them as 'I am' or 'I value' statements, whichever feels the most true/grammatically correct. (I am tolerant, I value sitting with discomfort, I value accountability)

Repeat this for other concepts, and once you have a good amount of words/phrases, try visualising them in some way, like in a word cloud, or alphabetised list, for example. Just put them all in some place together so you can see them all easily.

Put it on your wall or some place you'll see it easily.

Refer to this when you're feeling intense, or lost, or just don't know how to handle something.

I use this a lot, and it genuinely helps, i have a lot more insight and clarity. Feel free to adjust the exercise to your needs and feel free to pass it on if it was useful for you.

There are also lots of lists you can find online of values to help with this task if you need a starting point :)

Have fun!

[what-we-feeling]

Better to accept how you feel and think, than to fight against them. Most of the times, looking endlessly anxiously for whys, won't actually make you feel safe

Once you accept them, you can decide what to do and accept the past won't change, but you can do things on the present

[eelhound]

"Psychologists define values as the purpose or attitude we take regarding our chosen actions. A value is not a goal or destination but rather a compass that guides our journey toward a more meaningful, purpose-driven life. Values reflect the ways we most want to show up in the world. In comparison to emotions, which come and go and sometimes mistakenly lead us into thinking there is danger, values provide a steady hand that reminds us about the kind of person we want to be. In comparison to logic, values do not require us to solve anything. They require only that we choose, with clear-eyed intention, how we take our life’s journey.

We can always choose to put our values in the driver’s seat, even when we find ourselves on a path we didn’t choose, don’t much like, or that is truly unjust. We can put our values in the driver’s seat even while experiencing the searing pain of guilt, shame, sadness, or anger."

- Yael Schonbrun, from "How to Make a Decision When There Are No Good Choices." Tricycle, 6 March 2023.

[ramyeongif]

Today, self-as-context is understanding that we are still a tree, regardless of what the weather and seasons do to us. We may have different roles in each season and still be firmly rooted in the ground.

Lucy Dan and her exploration of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) and the concept of "self-as-contexT"

[vivewellnesstherapy]

6 Key Steps of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Mental Health

Discover the 6 essential steps of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to improve mental health and emotional well-being. ACT helps you manage unwanted thoughts through cognitive defusion, accept your emotions, stay present, and develop a flexible sense of self. By clarifying your values and taking committed action, you can set meaningful goals and build habits aligned with your priorities.

At Vive Wellness Therapy, we provide expert ACT therapy in Toronto, Vancouver, and Halifax, guiding clients to reduce stress, increase mindfulness, and live a more balanced, value-driven life. Start your journey toward emotional resilience and personal growth with our experienced therapists today.

[nameless-glitter-official]

Dilectal Behavioural Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Exposure Therapy

Only the Avatar, master of all therapies, could help them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Avatar, an airbender named Aang. And although his therapy skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he's ready to save anyone. But I believe Aang can save the world.