#relationshipanswer

[avpdcommunity]

How do you stop feeling like you're unlovable?

Hey. 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way, it’s a terrible experience to feel unloved. Just remember that you are never alone. You are in no way, shape, or form unlovable, that is your illness lying to you. I know that it’s easier to say that than to believe it but you have to try to hold onto that. 

I have some self care resources to help you feel better:

You Feel Like Sh*t (interactive self-care guide) 

Self Care Plan Worksheet*

Self Care Exercises and Activities

Also here are some links to help overcome what you’re going through:

Overcoming Low Self-esteem* 

Fact Or Opinion Guide

“What if…” Positive Thinking Worksheet*

Challenging Negative Thoughts Worksheet*

How do I deal with feeling unloved and and isolated?

How do I deal with feeling like everyone hates me?

Take care. - Jay

[avpdcommunity]

A few months ago, I told some of my friends about my AvPD and I want to ask them for feedback about our social interactions, so that I can be more aware of how my behavior affects them and what, if anything, I need to work on to make things run a bit smoother, but I don't know how to ask.

Just be upfront with them and talk about it! I’d say something like “I know I told you guys about my AvPD but I’m a little anxious about my social interactions. How do you think I’m doing with that? Is there anything I can improve on? I want to better myself so I can be a good friend in return.” I’m a little robotic so of course put it in your own words but I think if you express that you’re just unsure and looking for some feedback, they’ll respond in kind. 

Good luck, anon!

-Lulu

[avpdcommunity]

I was wondering if the people of the AvPD community would be willing to help me... Is anyone able to explain the main struggles that they encounter with AvPD, particularly those that may interfere with romantic partnerships? Anything you can offer me would be greatly appreciated. Lauren

Hi Lauren.

Generally speaking, people with AvPD struggle with the potential to be rejected by a romantic interest and as such find it difficult to maintain romantic relationships. Often people will avoid romantic relationships in order to avoid potential rejection associated with them. People with AvPD believe they are inferior to others, exaggerating the fear of rejection since they think they /will/ be rejected.

In saying this though, people with AvPD are capable of maintaining healthy relationships if they feel like they are accepted unconditionally by their partner.

Any of our followers want to share their experiences? - Jay.

[avpdcommunity]

hey! I'm a little confuse cause i have depression and avpd. So, now i have a girlfriend and she's really good to me, but sometimes i really want to break up just to push her away. I try to give her attention but it's too much for me, i do like her, but it's hard. I don't know if I really wanna break up or if it's a symptom. Is it a avpd thing? Is there anything that I can do to stop it?

Hey. 

I don’t have experience with this kind of issue or relationships in general so I can’t speak from that, however I imagine it is a common thing for avoidants. Any of our followers want to chime in on this one? 

- Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

hello, my bf is the only person i'm close to but he tries to make my disordered thoughts worse. for example, i just got a new job, but then a new manager took over. new manager won't give me hours, although she tells me every week i'll get them. my bf says i'm stupid for not looking for more than 1 job to start with - that no one wants to work with me, and so on...i haven't gotten one shift so how could they hate me? i feel extremely alone and hate that i depend on him

Hi.

Have you told your boyfriend that what he’s saying makes you feel bad? I know that it might seem obvious that it would hurt you, but what is common sense to one person may not be for another. He might also say things based on how he thinks he personally would react and not taking individual differences into account. But everyone is different, and he needs to be aware that it’s not okay for him to be saying things that hurt you. You have every right to tell him that it’s not okay.

Here are a couple of Resources from our Self-Help page that may help you:

Assertive Communication* 

Honest Communication Worksheet* 

Conflict in Relationships 

If he reacts with more hurtful taunts and refuses to acknowledge how you feel then it may be best to go your seperate ways. A relationship is always about supporting each other, and a person that brings you down is not worth your time. But, one step at a time. Talk about it first. As for the situation with your new manager, if you haven’t already I would suggest a slightly more aggressive approach. If you are only texting, call on the phone. If you are calling, go in and talk in person. Don’t wait for them to give you hours, go and ask for them. I’m sure they’re just overwhelmed and still settling into their new role, so just make sure they won’t let you slip through the cracks. The above Resources may also help this situation. Hope this helps. Take care. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

Heya. I have AVPD and SZPD and a girlfriend. She says she will love me even if I am "an emotionless cyberman" (she was trying to lighten the mood), and that she'll always love me. But I can't be sure if I love her... I can't give her what she wants/needs. I see her every week at a class. I don't know what to do

Hello. 

I think you should sit your girlfriend down and have a really honest conversation with her. Set some time free so that you’re not interrupted or have to leave half way through (on break from class would not be a good time). Tell her what your concerns are and ask what hers are- no sugar coating. 

I can’t tell you what to do from here, like whether or not to stay together, because relationships involve compromise, and the only way to determine if you can both live with those compromises is to talk about them. 

It’s important to remember though that the purpose of a compromise is to create an agreement or a balance for mutual benefit, rather than something that only benefits one person and the other person has no choice to accept.

We have some Self-Help resources under Communication that may help.

- Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

hi I recently have this unexplained grudge against my safe person I have no idea why I just find excuses to not talk to them and I feel like horribly bcause they haven't done anything bad

Hey. Sorry to hear that you’re in a rough spot. 

I really urge you to try and push through this grudge that you’re feeling towards your safe person. It sounds like a flare. Mental illnesses aren’t always predictable and can make you behave and feel things you normally wouldn’t. Recognizing the abnormal thought or behaviour is the first step- so well done. The second is to do the opposite of what you’re feeling. It’s a core feature of DBT. It will be uncomfortable at first but you will adjust as time goes by.

Hope this helps. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

im at an age where I feel I shouldve been in one relationship already, my friend talked to me about how he met his gf and it seemed to so casually flow from talking to dating to sleeping together. maybe its different for other people, but just being with someone seems so impossible for me

Hey, I know how you feel. I don’t have any personal advice. But we do have this Ask here that Shinji answered a while ago, talking about his experience with relationships (spoiler: there is hope) if that interests you at all. On the forums too, we have a topic asking if any members on there are dating or in relationships, and a lot of the responses are positive. Don’t give up hope. Everything seems impossible until it’s done. Take care. 

- Jay.