#safepersonanswer

[avpdcommunity]

i’ve had the same safe person for like 5 years. i’m also his best friend and vice-versa. his ex cheated on him nearly 3 months ago and he hasn’t been the same person since, which has had a serious toll on my mental health. I supported him as much as humanly possible through his serious depression (he suffers from depression and this situation hasn’t helped him) to the point where I too felt pain with him and my own health suffered and still is suffering.

but I have my limits and I feel like they were finally reached. he told me he feels better, but lately he’s been taking long periods of time to respond to messages and when he does they’re very short, and he never starts conversations anymore. it’s all me running them. i’m thinking he’s either still depressed, or he doesn’t like me anymore. I asked him before and he’s told me he’s had a lot of schoolwork, but I don’t trust that explanation for some reason. he’s my safe person, so i supposedly trust him more than anyone else… but it’s been so long since he’s been himself that i feel that trust slipping away, I’m beginning to fear he secretly hates me after all like everyone else does. I don’t want this, I adore him more than anyone else in my life and he helps me have a will to live. what can I do to stop being suspicious of him? And not even because he’s my safe person, but because he’s my best friend. I have to trust him and not trusting him is hurting me so much. I just want my beloved best friend/safe person back… and I’m so scared he’ll hate me or not trust ME anymore if I express my concerns. please help me. also I’m so sorry for this several part ask.

Hi there. On behalf of the blog, we’re very sorry it has taken us so long to respond to your ask. Please be patient with us while we get caught up on all of our asks. I’m sorry to hear that both you and your safe person have been experiencing so many significant difficulties these past few months.

I empathize with your concerns that your safe person doesn’t like you and has become distant in communication. However, it is vital to remember that this is one of the most common logical fallacies people with AvPD struggle with. These kinds of negative thoughts can be very hard, but given that you two have been close for multiple years, I think there is a likelihood something else might be going on. As you mention, he could authentically be having a busy time academically right now or, alternatively, he might still be struggling with depression. Either way, I think opening up the channels of communication and expressing your concerns is a good idea! I would suggest the steps outlined in the “resolving problems” section of this website.

It would also be a good opportunity for you both to talk candidly about his mental health and encourage him to seek help and support if he’s still struggling. One important thing to remember is that social isolation is often a major symptom of depression and many depressed people can become quite good at masking their symptoms. 

I know it can be hard to open up and discuss your concerns, but I think doing so will play an important role in helping you regain a sense of trust with your safe person.

Sorry again for the delay! I hope this has helped.

- Tollie

[avpdcommunity]

Hi. I've fallen in love with my safe person, and recently we mutually said we have feelings for each other after years of flirting and speculating. I mustered up courage to kiss them which prompted them to talk to me about our relationship. They said they didn't want a relationship and that they are going to stop acting romantically toward me. I can't talk to them now because I'm so embarrassed. How do I move on from this rejection when the relationship was such an important part of my life?

Hello! 

I understand where you’re coming from. I think it’s fair to feel embarrassed and not be sure how to talk to them. If you feel you can do it without self-isolating too much, taking some time apart from them to recuperate might be a good idea. You don’t have to force yourself to cope with the change of scenery right away. Your heart and mind need time to heal and grow.

That being said, that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. Sure, it might have to gear back towards platonic in nature, but you two can still maintain intimacy and closeness with that. If they are unsure of wanting a relationship that is committed and romantic right now, that doesn’t mean they don’t want you in their life, and it also doesn’t mean they don’t feel all sorts of things for you. The boundaries of relationships are always unique. I would say that, while this is a rejection, it does sound like a complex one. One that isn’t cutting you off.

This is, ultimately, someone that sounds very important to you, and that you have, in the past, been able to share your emotions openly with. After giving you and them time to heal and mull things over, I think it’d be in your best interest to open up a conversation about this. Just to let them know where you are at, and to know where they are at. It’ll be hard at first and probably for a while, but after the initial terror from the rejection passes, it might be easier to communicate and move on together. 

I hope that helps. Follow up with us if you want, I’d be happy to know how thing are going for you. Take care!

- Shinji

[avpdcommunity]

I've recently noticed that I seem to be kinda pushing my safe person away. I don't tell her anything I consider personal anymore and our conversations have become dull and pointless. We go days without talking, and when we do talk I'm never the first one to start the conversation. I kinda don't trust her but idk why, she didn't anything at all but I'm scared that if I tell her what I'm going through she'll criticize me. But she's my only friend and I don't want to push her away. How do I stop?

Hi. 

I think you need to bite the bullet and push yourself to be more communicative with your safe person (a core feature of DBT, used for treating PD’s, is doing the opposite of the disordered desire). They are your safe person for a reason, and it sounds like they are trying to give you your space but also be supportive by keeping in contact. They sound like a good friend. 

Just like any illness, AvPD can vary in severity over time and this can be difficult to deal with but it’s important to understand that it is something that can be overcome. 

You said that they have not done anything to warrant this distrust, so maybe something in your life has occurred that is causing your symptoms to worsen? It could be something seemingly unrelated, i.e. you are really tired from school/college/work and you have no energy to deal with your symptoms. 

When did this distrust start? What was happening in your life at that time? How is your general health and are you taking care of your body? Has this happened before? Why? How did you overcome it that time? Is there something in particular you don’t want them to know? How’s your self-esteem? Are you on any new medication? Is there a change in your moods? All things you need to ask yourself. 

Once you identify the cause, you can begin to work on the solution. Remember, this can be overcome. Lean on your friend, sounds like you got a good one. Hope this helps. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

i have both avpd and bpd. i'm aware that bpd uses the term "favorite person" and avpd uses "safe person" but are these different people? obviously they could be the same person, but do they play inherently different roles?

BPD involves a much different dynamic with what is called a “favourite person”. It deals with a level of hyperfixation that doesn’t exist in AvPD alone. As far as I know, it involves more complicated feelings than feeling safe with that person. Someone can be your favourite person and not make you feel comfortable or happy at all, as far as I know - it’s just someone your brain is focused on. 

Shitborderlinesdo has a more concise definition at this link (x) that may be able to help you, and they have more information about the details of a favourite person in their FAQ, which you can access here (x). (Although, I will note that while they say FP is a term for anyone with a PD, in my experience, most of the BPD community seems to feel FP is a BPD-specific term, and I agree.)

A “safe person” is a simpler concept. Avoidants tend to become more reclusive the closer someone gets to them, so it isn’t easy to become intimate or trusting with another person. A safe person is someone who defies this rule. It’s usually someone that an avoidant already has assured love with (such as a family member or long-time friend), but that is only not always the case. 

A safe person doesn’t contain the same elements as the BPD term favourite person does because things like splitting, dependency on any interpersonal relationships, etc., aren’t really avoidant traits. I hope that clears things up!

- Shinji

[avpdcommunity]

hey, so ive tentatively self dx'd myself with avpd. however recently ive been making friends with this girl whose been really good about validating me and making sure I know that she wants to be friends with me. i feel less like avoiding her then practically all of my other relationship, and i force myself to remain in contact, however this makes me feel like i must not have avpd? can you want to be friends with someone and/or experience less symptoms around someone and still have avpd?

Hey there.

It’s very common for people with AvPD to find friends who they are not symptomatic around. We often refer to these people as “safe people”, as they are people who have proven they will not reject us or hate us. Therefore, we don’t need to avoid them in order to protect ourselves. You can check out our answered asks regarding safe people here(x).

So yes, you absolutely can have AvPD and have a close friend that you are less symptomatic around.

I’m really glad that you have been able to find such a kind and supportive friend, and I wish you luck with your relationship, and with getting help for your AvPD.

- Liese

[avpdcommunity]

is it possible to use the term safe person if you have a different pd but still have avoidant tendencies? i've seen a lot of arguing in the bpd community with favorite person and i don't want to step on anyone's toes.

I mean, we are just one blog, I think this is up to the community in general! It seems PD communities like to keep their terms very much to designated diagnoses - such as “depended” for DPD and “favourite person” for BPD. I feel like the general consensus will end up being that it is an AvPD-only word, not from my own opinion, but just what I’ve observed.

Avoidants, feel free to respond/reblog/etc and let us know what you think, since we are only a few people a part of this community. Thanks!

- Shinji

[avpdcommunity]

Holla, any chance y'all have more info on the origins of "safe person" as a term? Particuarly if it was completely coined by the community and if it has any bearings in academica. It's for personal research not for a paper or anything fyi. Thanks for your time. :)

The term “safe person” was coined by the community, not by any professional. I don’t think it would have a bearing in academia - nor do I think any of these terms would, like “favourite person”, etc. They are just community words people use for navigational purposes, I don’t think they really encompass experience properly, not in the way psychology would prefer.

I don’t know specifically who coined it, it just seemed to be a thing that developed as an off-shoot of BPD’s favourite person. I’m sorry I don’t have anymore information on that. Hope your research goes well.

- Shinji

I just want to add, that it was created by a Tumblr user and only within the last couple of years. It was created because people with AvPD started using the term Favourite Person but it wasn’t very accurate for AvPD and the BPD community wasn’t very happy to share since the term was BPD-specific. 

 - Jay

[avpdcommunity]

my safe person has dpd and im his depended. I love him so much, he actually likes talking to me and it makes me feel so safe and wanted

I’m glad that you’ve been able to find something that works for you and makes you feel safe, it’s a great thing to feel loved!

- Shinji