#friendanswer

[avpdcommunity]

A few months ago, I told some of my friends about my AvPD and I want to ask them for feedback about our social interactions, so that I can be more aware of how my behavior affects them and what, if anything, I need to work on to make things run a bit smoother, but I don't know how to ask.

Just be upfront with them and talk about it! I’d say something like “I know I told you guys about my AvPD but I’m a little anxious about my social interactions. How do you think I’m doing with that? Is there anything I can improve on? I want to better myself so I can be a good friend in return.” I’m a little robotic so of course put it in your own words but I think if you express that you’re just unsure and looking for some feedback, they’ll respond in kind. 

Good luck, anon!

-Lulu

[avpdcommunity]

Do you have any tips for friends of someone with avpd? Idk how to help them. Particularly with their chronic procastination...

Hi there! Below are links to some of our previous asks that might be useful in helping you better your friendship with your friend with AvPD. 

As far as helping them with their struggles with procrastination, I’ve linked some resources down below that address how to overcome procrastination; however, I think it’s important to consider that while you can offer your support and encouragement, your friend is the one who will ultimately have to work towards addressing these problems. If you’d like to take a more active role in helping them, I suggest you work out the specifics of how your friend would like your assistance with them, as that can often vary greatly from person to person.

General Advice on Communication

Could anyone recommend how people without avpd should speak to people with avpd?

My girlfriend has avpd, and I was wondering if you had any advice? like how to go about confrontation, and how to be helpful and supportive and have a healthy relationship overall? 

Is there anything for me to keep in mind when interacting with an avpd person?

Overcoming Procrastination

7 Module Overcoming Procrastination

Tips for Getting Motivated

Weekly Time Management Exercise

I hope this has helped.

- Tollie

[avpdcommunity]

i know this might be really vague but i cant explain it fully ive tried writing it all down and it just doesnt work so im sorry i hope you can make something out of this is it an avpd thing if ive completely stopped talking to an online friend right before we were supposed to meet (i know this is super vague) i feel like im the worst person thats ever existed bc of it. ive done research and i think i have avpd but i cant go to a therapist and ive felt really mentally off (?) for about (1/4)

7 or 8 years. ive always been weird with people but ive never done something like this before. i really hate myself for it because this person didnt do anything to me but i think i was just really overwhelmed and sometimes i have these high moods where i do things i cant handle when im down/normal again so i promise stuff i cant keep and overshare and everything. i sent them one last message where i said i was sorry for treating them the way i did and even that was really hard for me.(2/4)

does ignoring them make me a bad person even if i dont have avpd? ive tried sending anonymous messages about this a lot but i always feel fake and undeserving of advice or i think this person might be reading it even though thats nearly impossible. im really sorry if you guys are the wrong people to write to but i dont know what to do anymore (and i hope you understand what i mean english isnt my first language) even now i feel like you might judge me (¾)

or think im a bad person or that im faking everything thank u so much for even reading this and i dont mean to offend you with that last bit (4/4)

Hey. 

Sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time. It sounds like a lot to deal with. 

I know you said you’ve had trouble with this one friend, but do you have some other friends or relatives to talk to about how you’re feeling? Or even this friend you mention? I’m sure that if they knew you were having a rough time that they would be caring and supportive. 

You don’t have to deal with this by yourself. Friends are family are there to support you. Talking about it and simply getting it off your chest can be really therapeutic so I encourage you to reach out. I know that might seem scary but you reached out to us, and that’s proof that you are capable of reaching out to others too. 

What you describe is not necessarily an AvPD symptom, as I imagine it is common for people to be nervous or hesitant to meet people for the first time. It will depend on the individual and I’m not in a position to be able to confirm or deny unfortunately.

Avoiding your friend doesn’t make you a bad person, regardless of whether you have AvPD or not. We are all complicated beings and we all make mistakes. None of us are perfect, and that’s not a bad thing. Imagine how boring it would be if we were all identically perfect. That’s sounds boring to me. You apologized to your friend afterwards as well so that improves the situation too. Just remember that they would have been nervous to meet you as well, and they probably understand why you avoided them. 

If you ever find yourself in a crisis, don’t hesitate to use our Crisis Support(link) page. We also have a ton of resources on our Self-Help(link) page. If you ever have any more questions, our Ask is always open too. 

Hope this helps. Take care. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

Hey! Forgive me if this isn't the place for a question like this but I'm an Avoidant with some severe trust issues that got worse when I put a lot of trust in someone only to find out everything was a giant lie. I struggle to bring myself to trust and take comfort in others now, more than usual, but I've been trying to force/convince myself to trust people anyhow to fix that. Is that a sound strategy, or are there better ways to rebuild one's capacity to trust?

Hey. 

I can’t say whether that is a good or bad strategy because what works for someone may not work for another. It may be good for you or it may not. The only way to know is to try it and see if it works (as well as it is not causing you any harm, of course)! It is great to hear that you are trying something regardless. 

If you are really struggling with this and it if interfering with your life, I recommend that you talk about this with a therapist so they can help you overcome this issue. It is the best way to approach an issue. The therapist will provide you with a safe space and guide you through your issue. 

We have a Small Seeking Treatment section on our Information page(link) they may be useful to you as well as an Ask(link) describing the different ways in which a person can seek treatment. Hope this helps. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

I'm trying to distance myself from a friend after being "burned" too much in the past. I feel useless not being able to confront them over the things they have(n't) done. Our friendship is very one sided, with me putting in most of the effort. I'm trying to forgive and move on, but because we work at the same place and occasionally interact i'm finding it hard not to become all *bright eyed* and happy the moment I receive attention from them. I'm trying to stop "avoiding" but how can I move on?

Hi. 

Are you trying to ‘move on’ from their shortcomings or your friendship with them? I’m having trouble understanding which. I will do my best to answer but please send us another message if I have misinterpreted what you wrote! I will assume that you want to end your friendship with them- that’s the vibe I get. 

I think the best thing to do is to find/strengthen friendships with others so that you feel less like you need/want their friendship and also to indulge in your own hobbies. It can be difficult to end a friendship because you become used to seeing, laughing, etc with them, and once it’s over all of that is gone. So you may need to replace that with other things or people. 

In saying this, it’s important that you stay civil with them since you work together, for you personally and your work satisfaction and performance. You want to avoid framing them as an enemy or person you want to avoid at all costs because if you do eventually have to work with/near them, you’re going to have a bad time. Similar situation if you see them outside of work. There’s no point in making work any harder than it has to be!

In order to balance this, I simply suggest continuing polite interaction at work when your friend pursues it, and then in your own time pursuing other friendships and hobbies. Just because they are not the right type of friend for you doesn’t mean that they have bad intentions for you or that they aren’t an entertaining person to chat to. You can enjoy having conversations with them, you don’t have to go cold turkey if you don’t want to. It just sounds to me like your friend and your hearts are in different places, that’s all. There’s no need for hostility. 

I hope this kind of answers your question, but again, send us another message if it’s not what you were looking for. Happy holidays. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

Do you have any advice on dealing with extreme loneliness while also having AVPD? I have a really hard time forming and maintaining any relationships at all (for a number of reasons), but I'm so lonely I feel like I'm gonna explode. It's unbearable! I'm sorry for bothering you with this.

Hello. 

Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time right now. We do have some resources on loneliness and making friends:

Making Friends as an Adult (HTGTFU) 

Making Conversation with Strangers Guide. 

How do I make myself comfortable with co-workers?

How do I talk to someone again after I’ve been avoiding them?

How do I deal with feeling unloved and and isolated?

How do I find safe people/allow myself to feel safe?

I also recommend that you read through our Answers Directory(x) and our Self Help(x) pages as there may be other resources that grab your attention that I haven’t listed here. 

Good luck. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

my friends got impulsive thoughts and the other day she like,, slapped me in the face. She apologized and I said it was ok bc i didnt want to be rude but 1- what the fuck?? we wer e in a public place too i was so embaressed 2- im an abuse victim and she knows this i dont like being hit in the face ,, slapped in particular 3- shes sorta a bitch, if I had done that she wouldve been like "what the fuck" and made a huge deal over it and been offended and never let it go

Hi. 

The most important thing to remember is that you are your first priority. Your safety and well being always comes first; and since your friend has physically hurt you and you say that she’s ‘sorta a bitch’, I’m thinking it may good for you to put some distance between you and her.  

I think you should tell her that it wasn’t okay for her to slap you, because it’s never okay to hurt someone, regardless of the reason. Because the nature of the incident was physical, I would suggest doing it online- not that she would intentionally hurt you out of anger but just in case another intrusive thought pops up. It’s better for both of you that way. 

This isn’t automatically the end of your friendship if you don’t want it to be. You can stay in touch online, encourage her to learn how to control her impulses and ease back into it once things have a settled down. If you don’t want to, that is completely up to you to. The options are there. 

Reach out to some other friends and learn to rely on them instead of your friend who slapped you. 

I apologize for the delay in answering your message too. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

ive got avpd, obvs, but i was wondering if its common to have avpd and pick up from someone else's personality when we start to hang out a lot? idk i was just wondering cause its almost been bugging me lately

Hey. 

I don’t see why not. PD’s usually come with identity disturbances/no sense of self, and it’s not a stretch to say someone may mirror another’s personality to avoid rejection since the characteristics of that person have a track record of being accepted. 

I’ll also say though that to some extent it is normal among healthy people too. Lots of people have different friends who fulfill different needs (partying companions, shoulders to cry on, people to sit with during lunch etc) and it’s normal to be loud with your loud friend but quiet with your quiet friend. It doesn’t mean that someone is lying. People are multi-dimensional. Both behaviours are valid as part of that person’s identity. 

- Jay.