Selfing.
It's our 5 year reunion this weekend at UD, and I'm filled with this nervous anticipation.
5 years ago I thought I'd be meeting up with my classmates for this at a very different place in my life. I thought I'd be in a serious relationship with a great guy. Or better yet... engaged. Or even better... married. Or still better... have a baby or more in my belly or arms. I thought I'd be designing at some great company and creating really awesome work. I thought I'd have a more clearly defined life path.
Reality of romance: is that I'm not dating for 18 months (1 month down!). And experiencing some fantastic support from some of my friends, and unrest from others over this. And I'm anxious to fall into those conversations with my classmates and explain why, only to hear they don't approve of the guidance I've received or the choice that I am ultimately making. After all, I have freewill and am completely capable of making life decisions. (Like how many blueberries to put in my cereal if any at all. Or what donuts I'm going to shove in my face. Or yoga classes I will or will not do chataranga in. Or trips I want to go on. Or not to date.) Life is full of choices and opportunities, and I'm making and/or simply embracing them. This is one. And really... is it hurting anyone? Or is it too much to want the support and respect of the people I love and encounter to find healing in the way I ultimately best see fit at this stage in life? Even if they don't understand? Because my other reality, is that it's really painful to hear that this is a stupid move. I do a lot of stupid things, but nurturing myself to be better so I can love better and healthily isn't so dumb. Eh?
Reality of job: I was burned pretty badly at my first design job, had my design confidence pretty well squashed, and have since moved on to project management for a great company with some really super awesome creatives: designers and developers and PMs and so on. I may not mentally and physically be producing creative the way I originally thought I would, but I get to encourage the talent and help weave the visions and logistics of our clients into realities with my team. And creating really awesome work. And this... is such a sweet thing. By embracing opportunity I came back to Dayton. I rekindled relationships and forged new ones. I learned how to be an organized and compassionate and (hopefully) a respected manager, built from the ground up by my mentor. I found my faith, a relationship with God, and have been tearing down barriers and boundaries in my life that are allowing me fresh perspective and fresh love. And I'm ready for whatever opportunity is next to grow in whatever way is necessary next.
While my life isn't what I imagined 5 years ago for today, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I have freedom to pick up for a night for a slumber party, or a weekend to visit friends, or a week to go to India, or a few years for a job, or several for school... which leads me to a 5 year reunion this weekend. And that is awesome.
The way I have seen myself throughout life, even just today, isn't as just as how I know I should see myself. Point in case, the Dove Real Beauty Sketches (http://realbeautysketches.dove.us). My self image isn't so hot, but I know that by setting time aside to soul search and root out my strongholds, rebuilding my foundation by healing and growing from experiences, freely taking on what's thrown my way or what I seek out... I know in the coming months and years and life that I will be a better and more beautiful person for my family, friends, coworkers, and hopefully one day, a man who I am worthy of as much as he is me. Then there will be a marriage and babies and the designing of a life that is blessed and fruitful because of what I'm going through now. And that is even more awesome.
K, I'm ready for this reunion...