#relationshipsanswer

[avpdcommunity]

my mental illnesses are keeping me from achieving my full potential and exploring things in life and i feel like a burden and a failure

(Some context: while I have a mixture of a ton of pd traits, mostly BPD (and with them come jealousy, attention-wanting, and splitting), my main pd is AvPD.) My PD symptoms are coming in the way of having healthy relationships/trying to decide whether or not I want to break off a friendship. I don’t know whether it’s right to stop being as close to someone because they indirectly trigger my PDs. I could recover, but that’d be long term & this friendship makes me feel very sad a lot bc of AvPD.

First off, it sounds like you’re going through a difficult time as a result of your personality disorder symptoms and that absolutely does not mean you are a burden or a failure! 

Have you mentioned to your friend that they sometimes do things that inadvertently trigger you? If not, it might be a good idea to open up a dialogue with them so you can both work towards a solution on how to prevent this from happening as much in the future (e.g., “When you do XYZ it makes me feel XYZ, so could we work together to figure out a new way to communicate that would make both of us feel more comfortable?”). 

Moreover, I also think that writing things down and going through worksheets can really help in getting all of your thoughts, experiences, and feelings laid out in a clear-cut way before you make a decision about what to do regarding your friendship. That may make it easier to reason through any negative thoughts impacting your reasoning. Below, I’ve included a link to pages about good communication habits, ways to identify negative friendships, and ways to adopt a healthier/less negative mindset. Hopefully, some of these will help you decide how to proceed from here. 

What is a Bad Friendship?

Conflict in Relationships

Fact Or Opinion Guide

Tips for a Healthy Headspace Infosheet

Challenging Negative Thoughts Worksheet

Communication Techniques Guide 

Honest Communication Worksheet

- Tollie

[avpdcommunity]

i’ve had the same safe person for like 5 years. i’m also his best friend and vice-versa. his ex cheated on him nearly 3 months ago and he hasn’t been the same person since, which has had a serious toll on my mental health. I supported him as much as humanly possible through his serious depression (he suffers from depression and this situation hasn’t helped him) to the point where I too felt pain with him and my own health suffered and still is suffering.

but I have my limits and I feel like they were finally reached. he told me he feels better, but lately he’s been taking long periods of time to respond to messages and when he does they’re very short, and he never starts conversations anymore. it’s all me running them. i’m thinking he’s either still depressed, or he doesn’t like me anymore. I asked him before and he’s told me he’s had a lot of schoolwork, but I don’t trust that explanation for some reason. he’s my safe person, so i supposedly trust him more than anyone else… but it’s been so long since he’s been himself that i feel that trust slipping away, I’m beginning to fear he secretly hates me after all like everyone else does. I don’t want this, I adore him more than anyone else in my life and he helps me have a will to live. what can I do to stop being suspicious of him? And not even because he’s my safe person, but because he’s my best friend. I have to trust him and not trusting him is hurting me so much. I just want my beloved best friend/safe person back… and I’m so scared he’ll hate me or not trust ME anymore if I express my concerns. please help me. also I’m so sorry for this several part ask.

Hi there. On behalf of the blog, we’re very sorry it has taken us so long to respond to your ask. Please be patient with us while we get caught up on all of our asks. I’m sorry to hear that both you and your safe person have been experiencing so many significant difficulties these past few months.

I empathize with your concerns that your safe person doesn’t like you and has become distant in communication. However, it is vital to remember that this is one of the most common logical fallacies people with AvPD struggle with. These kinds of negative thoughts can be very hard, but given that you two have been close for multiple years, I think there is a likelihood something else might be going on. As you mention, he could authentically be having a busy time academically right now or, alternatively, he might still be struggling with depression. Either way, I think opening up the channels of communication and expressing your concerns is a good idea! I would suggest the steps outlined in the “resolving problems” section of this website.

It would also be a good opportunity for you both to talk candidly about his mental health and encourage him to seek help and support if he’s still struggling. One important thing to remember is that social isolation is often a major symptom of depression and many depressed people can become quite good at masking their symptoms. 

I know it can be hard to open up and discuss your concerns, but I think doing so will play an important role in helping you regain a sense of trust with your safe person.

Sorry again for the delay! I hope this has helped.

- Tollie

[avpdcommunity]

i want to tell my ex why i broke up with her but my avpd is stopping me from doing it and im afraid ill come off too harsh or something?? any suggestions??

Hey there. Thanks for reaching out. Communicating with an ex-partner can certainly be difficult. I think the best approach would be to focus on trying to express your thoughts as honestly as possible without being accusatory. If you feel the need to express something that upset you during the relationship, I think you should. However, it might be useful to pay attention to the tone you use and how you frame the situation (e.g., try to avoid placing the blame on who they are as a person, etc.).

I highly recommend this website that discusses ways to modify your language to ensure that you can express yourself without sounding aggressive or passive. This honest communication worksheet may also be useful. 

Alternatively, if you feel guilty over breaking up with them and want to explain why it happened, I would recommend extending the same techniques to yourself. Just be honest about your own feelings and actions; focus on assertive language; try not to place the blame on who you inherently are, etc.

If you find yourself having trouble initiating a conversation or you’re worried about coming up with something to say, try writing a few conversation scripts that you can practice and become familiar with in advance. Imagine what kinds of things they might say and have some responses prepared. This might help you feel more prepared when you’re ready to start a discussion.

If this hasn’t helped, please don’t hesitate to send us another ask! Good luck.

- Tollie

[avpdcommunity]

i've been friends with someone for about a year, he's consistently told me he loved me and all that and i kept shutting him down, often 'testing' him because i was afraid of rejection. i started to feel like i was losing him and told him i had feelings for him. he rejected me and now i'm upset bc he hurt me the one time i was vulnerable and now idk if i actually do really feel for him or if i'm just scared of losing someone so constant. i keep having imaginary conversations and idk how to feel

Hey there.

I do not wish to sound harsh, but the position you have placed your friend is in is kind of unfair. From what we understand from your message, your friend has not been unreasonable. Rather, it seems the problem is not with him, but within your own thought processes. Let’s work it out. 

Healthy relationships are built on trust and open communication. By constantly testing your friend’s loyalty to you and your friendship, you are placing him a position where he is constantly having to prove that he will not leave you. There is no trust for him and/or your relationship. 

I (Liese) have been in this position, and it is awful. You spend the whole time wondering why nothing you ever seem to say or do is good enough for the other person. You spend so much of your emotional energy on making this other person is happy, that you neglect your own needs and wants out of fear of hurting the other person. It is not a good way to live, and that should not be the kind of relationship you want with your friend.

Up until now, it seems you have been consistently turning him down when he repeatedly expresses feelings for you, just as you have done now too. He has revealed his vulnerabilities to you, just as you have to him. He has been putting himself on the line for you for so long that it seems like the consistent rejection has wore him down and caused his loss of interest in your relationship. Do you think it is unreasonable for him to turn you down now? 

You were honest about how you’re not sure if you really do like him, or just want him to stay, and it’s good that you have acknowledged this. This conflicting emotion must be difficult to deal with and it’s important to be honest with yourself in that respect. But you also need to address the fact that you may have just been continuing your relationship solely for his emotional loyalty, and that this is not really fair on your friend. None of this creates healthy relationships. 

Now, it sounds as though you may have trouble with abandonment and rejection, and I highly recommend talking through this with a professional. DBT therapy specifically may be helpful and it is designed to identify and alter difficult thinking patterns. You need to learn to express your anxieties in a healthy way, and learn where to draw boundaries between yourself and others. When you learn to do this, you will be better equipped to form healthy, equal relationships.

In the mean time, an apology and an honest conversation with your friend may help resolve some of the confusion and hurt surrounding this situation. It will also be good for him as he may be feeling the same way as you are. You should let him know that you are aware your behaviour has been unfair and that you, hopefully, will begin to work on it. If you do apologise though, it’s important to remember that he does not have to give you anything in return for it (a mutual apology, his returned friendship, etc). An apology is simply an apology, for lack of better words. 

This page(x) has resources that you may find useful for working out your behaviour in your relationships. This page as well(x) may also be useful. I also recommend checking out our self-help page(x) for our DBT resources, while you’re searching for a therapist.

I wish you luck Anon, and I believe in you. You can change and grow, you just need to work on it. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you!

- Liese and Jay

[avpdcommunity]

I think I have avpd and there's a guy I've been talking to online for 8 months, roughly every day, who I really like and I've told him about my avpd and everything and he's one of my safe people. Anyway, he's known that I like him from the beginning but he has a girlfriend. A few days ago he told me that he wants some space b/c he thinks I still have hope that we can be together and it's disrespectful to me and his gf. I'm so confused and heartbroken because he's been talking to me for so long.

Hey there.

I know it’s tough, but the best thing for you to do here is to be honest with how you feel. Do you still like him? If so, are you hoping he’ll break up with his girlfriend and start dating you? If not, then tell him that you respect his relationship have no intention of getting between him and his girlfriend. Tell him that he’s an important friend to you and you don’t want to stop being friends.

If you are hoping he’ll break up with his girlfriend to date you, it might be good to take some time for yourself to think about your relationship with this guy, and what you want from it. You do have to respect that he’s in a romantic relationship with someone who isn’t you, and you have to respect the bounds of that. I think it’s very possible to continue to be friends, but you both have to set clear boundaries and respect them.

So, even though having this kind of frank conversation about your feelings is very stressful, good communication is the basis of any kind of relationship.

I wish you luck with talking to him, and I hope you can both sort it out.

- Liese

[avpdcommunity]

should i tell my boyfriend that sometimes it upsets me when he leaves me hanging when we're texting out of nowhere? idk sometimes i cant tell if im just reading too much into things when he doesn't seem too excited to text me or is talking to his other friends and hasn't responded to me? i hope i'm just reading into this too much cause i fear that if i tell him about it i'll be manipulative and stuff :/

i should mention he has bpd and so im always wondering if its just something i haven’t understood yet and everything and i don’t know really what to do esp if he gets sad and i want to help cause sometimes i feel he doesn’t want to be with me anymore but i might just be reading into everything too much and i want to mention that to him too but i’m afraid it’ll make him too careful around me or i’ll be manipulative or like he’ll just forget

Some people do genuinely seem uninterested over text. I find text communication makes it even harder for me to understand someone’s emotions because it comes across as very detached to me. Someone who is completely enthusiastic in person might come across as aloof over text. So I don’t think you’re being irrational... It’s hard to translate the tone of text.

Assurance in a relationship is really important. I want to reiterate that you aren’t manipulative for asking for care about something that you struggle with as a direct result of a disability, which would include mental illness. Some people need clarification and communication, and that’s not a bad thing to ask for. 

It might also help, if you’re concerned about whether or not you are accommodating his BPD enough, that you ask what you can do to help him. But I think the best way that conversation would go is if you also explained what helps with your illness. That way it’s a mutual conversation about how to help each other, and no one is left feeling uncared for. I know that sounds hard, and I think we as avoidants tend to give to others more than we let ourselves receive, but I think it’d be worth it for you in the end.

There is nothing in your ask to me, by the way, that read to me as manipulative. All of this sounds like sincere hurt and uncertainty. I just want to reassure you that none of this sounds manipulative to me, although I don’t know the context of your relationship. I think we (avoidants) tend to shut ourselves down about our feelings really quickly because of past experience. But this all sounds valid.

I hope that helps and everything is resolved soon.

- Shinji

[avpdcommunity]

i have a boyfriend and he always says he loves me and i know it but like i notices sometimes he kind of ignores my texts but i also don't know if maybe i'm just reading into that wayyyy to much but i don't know what to do anymore cause i don't want to confront him?

and also he's mentioned that like, he gets jealous over me hanging out with ppl and that's mostly cause (i forgot to mention) we're in a long distance relationship. but it seems a little unfair cause i get lonely when he's not responding since i have no other friends. idk what i'm really asking except like, what should i do? do i tell him how i feel about that?

I’m always going to vouch for communication, yeah. Your feelings are valid even if you were misinterpreting something. I think it’s important for you to explain how this all makes you feel, even if it’s hard. A long distance relationship requires even more communication than most, so you should try and be as upfront as you can be. I know confrontation seems like the worst thing possible, and I’m not always so good at doing it either, but not talking about it will cause you to build up resentment towards him.

I agree that it seems unfair that you feel you can’t hang out with other people because he can’t be there. Also, what I would do about the texting: maybe try to ask if you two could let each other know when you can’t respond. So if he can’t respond, he’d text you, ‘busy, I’ll be back soon’ or whatever, that way there’s no miscommunication, or anyone thinking they’re being ignored. 

- Shinji

[avpdcommunity]

I've been talking to the guy for quite some time now and it seemed like it was going well and stuff and I didn't push him away for once and we had fun and since today he suddenly stopped answering my texts and snaps and if he answers it's really short and I know that maybe he's just busy and stuff but I hate it so much and I'm very sad over it and I'm obsessively checking his social media and snapchat score to see if he posts anything and I hate myself for that. Do you have any advice for me?

Hey. 

Have you asked why he hasn’t been talking to you as much lately? Just plainly asking might seem forward, but forward usually gets you what you’re looking for. There’s no need to be subtle about it. There’s nothing suspicious or weird asking if he’s busy. If he is, you get your answer. If he’s not, then you can stop waiting for him and move on. 

Also, I’m not the greatest at relationship (or potential relationship) advice but I think you should try to focus on other things. What are your hobbies, how long has it been since you’ve hung out with friends, etc? Do things that make you happy and fulfilled. In my opinion, a guy, girl or otherwise romantic partner shouldn’t be the center of your life. You’re the center of your life. Try to limit how many times you check his social media. Once a day is pretty standard. 

Hope this helps. - Jay.