#friendsanswer

[avpdcommunity]

Hello. I don't have Avpd but my friend does. Last month we had a fight about, mostly me not understanding avpd. I kept trying to get him to tell me how he was feeling because I didn't take the time to understand what he's going through. I have two questions. How should I go about regaining his trust and what's a good way to be there for him and help with his problems without being super invasive? I really care about him and I feel terrible for what happened.

My first piece of advice is to research AvPD. Maybe look at our resources and our previously answered asks to gain a better understanding. Knowing more about the illness will help you with helping your friend because it can gain insight to what he’s going through. 

Secondly, explain to your friend that you’ve read up on his mental illness and show that you care. Tell him that you want to help but understand sometimes he needs space and isn’t comfortable telling you how he feels because that’s totally okay. Sometimes people don’t want to open up and you have to accept that. I know you want to help but sometimes helping comes in the form of validation and just being there.

Third, know that trust takes time to regain. It takes time and effort on your part to show that you are worthy of that same trust. Be patient, take your time. It’s not a race. 

I hope this helps and good luck on mending your relationship!

-Lulu

[avpdcommunity]

Hey! Forgive me if this isn't the place for a question like this but I'm an Avoidant with some severe trust issues that got worse when I put a lot of trust in someone only to find out everything was a giant lie. I struggle to bring myself to trust and take comfort in others now, more than usual, but I've been trying to force/convince myself to trust people anyhow to fix that. Is that a sound strategy, or are there better ways to rebuild one's capacity to trust?

Hey. 

I can’t say whether that is a good or bad strategy because what works for someone may not work for another. It may be good for you or it may not. The only way to know is to try it and see if it works (as well as it is not causing you any harm, of course)! It is great to hear that you are trying something regardless. 

If you are really struggling with this and it if interfering with your life, I recommend that you talk about this with a therapist so they can help you overcome this issue. It is the best way to approach an issue. The therapist will provide you with a safe space and guide you through your issue. 

We have a Small Seeking Treatment section on our Information page(link) they may be useful to you as well as an Ask(link) describing the different ways in which a person can seek treatment. Hope this helps. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

I'm trying to distance myself from a friend after being "burned" too much in the past. I feel useless not being able to confront them over the things they have(n't) done. Our friendship is very one sided, with me putting in most of the effort. I'm trying to forgive and move on, but because we work at the same place and occasionally interact i'm finding it hard not to become all *bright eyed* and happy the moment I receive attention from them. I'm trying to stop "avoiding" but how can I move on?

Hi. 

Are you trying to ‘move on’ from their shortcomings or your friendship with them? I’m having trouble understanding which. I will do my best to answer but please send us another message if I have misinterpreted what you wrote! I will assume that you want to end your friendship with them- that’s the vibe I get. 

I think the best thing to do is to find/strengthen friendships with others so that you feel less like you need/want their friendship and also to indulge in your own hobbies. It can be difficult to end a friendship because you become used to seeing, laughing, etc with them, and once it’s over all of that is gone. So you may need to replace that with other things or people. 

In saying this, it’s important that you stay civil with them since you work together, for you personally and your work satisfaction and performance. You want to avoid framing them as an enemy or person you want to avoid at all costs because if you do eventually have to work with/near them, you’re going to have a bad time. Similar situation if you see them outside of work. There’s no point in making work any harder than it has to be!

In order to balance this, I simply suggest continuing polite interaction at work when your friend pursues it, and then in your own time pursuing other friendships and hobbies. Just because they are not the right type of friend for you doesn’t mean that they have bad intentions for you or that they aren’t an entertaining person to chat to. You can enjoy having conversations with them, you don’t have to go cold turkey if you don’t want to. It just sounds to me like your friend and your hearts are in different places, that’s all. There’s no need for hostility. 

I hope this kind of answers your question, but again, send us another message if it’s not what you were looking for. Happy holidays. - Jay. 

[avpdcommunity]

I have avpd. And I've made friends and they genuinely seem to be okay with me and I really like them so why does it hurt all the time? Why wont the fear go away when everything is fine?

Hi there. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress in challenging your AvPD symptoms through forming friendships- that’s great!

I’m sorry to hear that you’re still experiencing negative emotions related to these relationships. While I’m unable to speak on why you’re specifically experiencing these feelings, I think that examining some of the defining symptoms of AvPD may provide some insight. 

One thing to remember about personality disorders is that the symptoms are pervasive, so people with AvPD have ingrained thought and behavioral patterns that can make it challenging to feel totally safe/comfortable in relationships (you can read more about AvPD traits here). Essentially, AvPD can cause us to have negative feelings about ourselves and others in relationships, even if we acknowledge these feelings are not the most logical.

Speaking with a professional will be able to provide you with greater insight into why you’re experiencing this, as well as ways to combat or reduce these feelings. Additionally, we have a self-help page with resources on things like positive thinking and relationships that you may find helpful.

Having friendships is an exponentially rewarding experience and I encourage you to persevere and continue challenging your negative feelings. Best of luck!

- Tollie

[avpdcommunity]

hey, so ive tentatively self dx'd myself with avpd. however recently ive been making friends with this girl whose been really good about validating me and making sure I know that she wants to be friends with me. i feel less like avoiding her then practically all of my other relationship, and i force myself to remain in contact, however this makes me feel like i must not have avpd? can you want to be friends with someone and/or experience less symptoms around someone and still have avpd?

Hey there.

It’s very common for people with AvPD to find friends who they are not symptomatic around. We often refer to these people as “safe people”, as they are people who have proven they will not reject us or hate us. Therefore, we don’t need to avoid them in order to protect ourselves. You can check out our answered asks regarding safe people here(x).

So yes, you absolutely can have AvPD and have a close friend that you are less symptomatic around.

I’m really glad that you have been able to find such a kind and supportive friend, and I wish you luck with your relationship, and with getting help for your AvPD.

- Liese

[avpdcommunity]

I think I have avpd and there's a guy I've been talking to online for 8 months, roughly every day, who I really like and I've told him about my avpd and everything and he's one of my safe people. Anyway, he's known that I like him from the beginning but he has a girlfriend. A few days ago he told me that he wants some space b/c he thinks I still have hope that we can be together and it's disrespectful to me and his gf. I'm so confused and heartbroken because he's been talking to me for so long.

Hey there.

I know it’s tough, but the best thing for you to do here is to be honest with how you feel. Do you still like him? If so, are you hoping he’ll break up with his girlfriend and start dating you? If not, then tell him that you respect his relationship have no intention of getting between him and his girlfriend. Tell him that he’s an important friend to you and you don’t want to stop being friends.

If you are hoping he’ll break up with his girlfriend to date you, it might be good to take some time for yourself to think about your relationship with this guy, and what you want from it. You do have to respect that he’s in a romantic relationship with someone who isn’t you, and you have to respect the bounds of that. I think it’s very possible to continue to be friends, but you both have to set clear boundaries and respect them.

So, even though having this kind of frank conversation about your feelings is very stressful, good communication is the basis of any kind of relationship.

I wish you luck with talking to him, and I hope you can both sort it out.

- Liese

[avpdcommunity]

For a while i've been having a lot of imaginary arguments in my mind with friends/family over issues i've had with them in the past, but always kept to myself. The arguments always end with me cutting off all relations with that person (in my mind). A lot of the times it feels "good" or a lot "easier" to keep playing into that fantasy instead of challenging those thoughts. Can something like that be seen as self-harm in a way? Sometimes the adrenaline rush I get feels sorta good in a way...

Hi.

Self-harm is generally definied as an act aimed against yourself with the intent to cause harm and since you say you enjoy these thoughts and they are imagined scenarios personally I wouldn’t class this as self-harm. But this doesn’t mean that this issue doesn’t cause you distress (if it does that is, your message doesn’t specify) or that it’s not an issue for you.

Imaging scenarios of past situations in which you didn’t express your thoughts and changing them so you did are quite common. Most of us have been in situations where we wish we did talk-back but instead let it slide.

This type of thinking can be theraptic, in my experience. It allows you to explore your feelings and release negative feelings associated with the bad experience, all without the real world consequences. I don’t think there is any harm in enjoying these fantasies.

If this is causing you distress though I do reccomend talking it through with a therapist. They can help you work through your feelings and help you confront the reason why you keep repeating these scenarios in your mind.

Hope this helps (it’s late, I apologize if some of the wording doesn’t make sense). I reccomend you read through our Self-Help page, especially the category of Positive Thinking and see if any of those Resources may be useful for you. - Jay

[avpdcommunity]

(1) im scared to talk to my best friend any more,. we used to date (like 2/3 years ago tho) and after that we were still really close but idk in the last year it feels like we have grown apart so much and they used to depend on me a lot and sometimes it felt way too much for me so i mean its good its not like that anymore but now they never message me on fb, ever, when they used to all the time, and they have a load of new friends they made at school , but i just feel completely isolated

and i missed most of the last school year so i didnt make any strong friendships.. and now they have a boyfriend and i just feel like im so irrelevant and not needed anymore and im just always terrified to talk to them. i dont really make the effort to talk first anymore because its so scary, i just feel so insignificant. theyre my sp and now. i dont even know. sorry this is long and rambly i just dont know what to do and i feel so alone. i feel like they just dont care and dont need me,

No worries, it’s ok to ramble, it helps us comprehend your problem better. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think what you’re feeling is understandable. You went from being someone’s main support to them having a wide range of different people in their life, and it sounds like they changed their social contact with you pretty drastically and maybe even suddenly. It makes sense that you might feel a little used and lonely.

You might not be needed in the same way you were before, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want you in their life. It sounds like they’ve just entered a lot of new interpersonal relationships... A lot of people enter honeymoon phases, both with romantic and non-romantic relationships in their lives. They might not realize how little attention they’ve been paying to you because they’re so wrapped up in that. Not an excuse, of course, but it might be that instead of them actively trying to not be in your life. 

If they care about you, I think they would want to hear your thoughts about this. I don’t think it’s good to be afraid of someone you love, and I don’t think they’d want that. It would be best to approach it in a non-threatening way - instead of going ‘your life is great now and I feel awful because of it’, maybe just saying, ‘hey, I know you have all these things going on now, but I’ve been really feeling isolated and I haven’t felt like you’ve been around at all, can we figure out a way to be close again?’ 

If they aren’t interested in providing you some of the same support that you used to provide them, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. But most likely, they are doing so much that they aren’t thinking, and need to be reminded that they need to consider your feelings, too. People can be selfish, but it helps to be told when, so it can be fixed. 

Let us know if we can help any further, and I hope things get better for you from here on out. You deserve care and attention. Take care.

- Shinji