Forget me not. There is lying a Forget Me Not on the pillow next to my head, on the pillow where you were lying gazing at me last night. Without really knowing why, I started crying, I didn’t know at the time that something was wrong, didn’t know for sure but I could feel it. I could feel that something was wrong.
I reached out a hand to feel the side of the bed where you’d slept. It was cold like no one had been lying there for hours. Like you hadn’t been sleeping there at all. And for all I know you hadn’t, maybe you had been lying there awake waiting for me to fall asleep so you could sneak out of my room, out of my house. Out of my life.
My mom knocked on my door, I yelled at her to go away. She asked me if I was ok, I screamed at her to leave me alone. I was heartbroken.
I slid my hand under the pillow where the flower still lay mocking me. A note had been tucked under it. A note that you had written, presumable explaining why you’d left me, breaking my heart when I thought that we’d never part.
I grabbed it and with tear stained eyes I read what you had written. Smearing the ink more than it already was.
Don’t cry baby. I know this wasn’t how we’d imagined things. But fate has a funny way of throwing things at you when least expect it. I’m sorry I have to leave you like this. Please don’t cry baby. I love you with all my heart. Always.
After that I curled in on myself and slept for hours. Days. Weeks. Months. At least that’s how much time it felt like had passed but yet I didn’t feel any better. I was aching all over; tears streaming silently down my face. My legs felt stiff and unused, wobbling when I tried to get out the door and to the bathroom in the hall. I needed a shower; I needed to wash the lingering misery off my body out of my pores. I couldn’t keep feeling like this. I felt like I had lived a lifetime with the ache in my chest in just a few hours. I couldn’t stand; I sat down in the shower letting the hot spray tickle down my body for a long time, ignoring my mother’s worried cries.
Hadn’t we been in love? Hadn’t we loved? I hadn’t been imagining it all had I?
We had been in love. I’m sure of it as sure as I am about the fact that you’re gone, that you’ve broken my heart. Maybe you only loved me for a little while. Maybe it was only in a brief passing moment while we laughed together that you loved me, but love me you did at some point. So why the sudden departure? I don’t understand nor do I want to.
I want to cry and have you back in my arms though I know somewhere deep inside that it’s never going to happen again. Ever. My mom she tells me things I don’t want to believe. She yells them through the door, truths I don’t want to realize.
You’re gone because you left, because you wanted to. I want to hate you. But the memory of your smile, the way you smelled and your tousled hair can’t be tarnished by my make-believe hatred of you, because I don’t hate you. I miss you so much I want to forget you. The Forget Me Not is lying between the pages of my favourite book, haunted my dreams. I can’t forget you, I don’t want to and even if I did and don’t think I could. You’ve meant so much to me ever since we first met and no matter how broken I am now that you’re gone, I can’t and wont ever forget you. I’ll remember you always.
It’s been a couple of days since you left. I’m still not sure what to do now that you aren’t here. I miss talking with you.
My mom has finally gotten into my room. She talked to me for hours. Telling me all the truths I don’t want to know but that I somehow need to know and accept. You have to move on honey, she said. But I can’t, not as long as you’re not here. I don’t think so, not without saying goodbye. I told her that. She nodded and left.
She came back hours later, it was morning by then. Told me to get dressed. I don’t feel like it. Haven’t felt like getting dressed or taking a shower since that first day after you left. But I did. I had this feeling again, that I was missing something important, something I already knew but didn’t want to know and accept.
We are at cemetery. It’s a cloudy autumn day. It probably will rain later but I’m fine with that. Rain doesn’t face me but what I am about to see undoubtedly will.
A headstone with your name on it, it’s the truth I didn’t want to know that thing I couldn’t accept. Because how can you be gone if not because you wanted to? Were you really taken from me, ripped from my side? The pain is worse now, the love burning inside me, no make-believe hatred there to soothe my pain, my sorrow. You’re gone and not by your own free will which makes it all so much worse. We could have been together now had you not been taken from me. From your family, your kind loving family, they miss you just as much as I do. I love you. I’ve done so since we first met and I will love you forever.
This has not been seen by anybody else, which means UNBETA'D. My apologies if there's any grammatical errors.
