#repressed emotion

[warrier-queann]

Writing a small Drabble based off of this post

—-

Dean always knew he liked boys. From the moment Trevor Blocner told him what a crush was in the 3rd grade and said boys pulled the girls hair to let them know they liked them.

Dean had wished on the spot that Trevor would have pulled his hair instead of Lindsey Lakewood’s.

The confusing part was that Dean also had a crush on Erin Wilkes. Erin was hot. All the guys said so. They all talked about the things they wanted to do to her in the halls. Dean only wanted to hold her hand, maybe go to the movies or make her a mixtape. But he was a man. Men didn’t do girly things like talk about their feelings. Men never tried on eyeliner or skirts when their dads and brothers weren’t home.

And as his father instilled on him over and over again:

“Boys don’t kiss boys.”

He would use slang like "fucking fag" or "homo" as an insult.

So Dean went out with Erin. He took her to the movies and for a ride in the Impala his dad had given him for his birthday. He kissed her in the backseat and put his hands up her shirt like he was supposed to.

He was a man. That didn’t mean he had to like it.

—-

The first time Dean heard the word bisexual, he was 24. It had been Sam actually, telling him about this girl he’d talked to the night before. How she had talked girls with him.

“Wait a minute there Sammy. I thought you slept with this chick.”

Sam laughed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “Yeah Dean, I did.”

“You just said she was checking out some other chick.”

“She was bi Dean.”

“Bi?”

“Bisexual. She’s attracted to men and women.” Sam picked up a book as of the conversation was over.

Dean hoped he was hiding his shock well. “You can do that?”

Now Sam was confused, “Um...yeah.”

If this girl could like both, maybe Dean could too?

---

Charlie was good for him.

She was someone who his dad would have never approved of. Would have said that she needed to be straightened out or some shit like that. Dean couldn't have given two shits whether the redhead was gay or straight, he loved her all the same.

Once, they were just hanging out in the bunker watching some movie. Sam had gone to look into a case a few states away. It was nice to just be with Charlie. She never judged him for liking "girly" movies and stuff like his dad had. She never said anything about the lingering glances Dean sometimes gave men when they went out. If anyone had clued in on his preferences it would have been her.

After the movie they ended up in the bathroom. Dean had made some offhand comment about makeup and now Charlie had insisted she show him a few things about the product. She was currently trying to wrestle some eyeliner or whatever onto his face.

"Will you just stand still?" She yelled, "It's not that big of a deal Dean!"

Dean deflected her, "I don't want any black gunk...stick thing anywhere near my eyes."

Charlie rolled her eyes, "Come onnnnn, it's fun."

"Yeah for you maybe."

Charlie gave him a stern look that he knew better than to argue with. She instructed him to close his eyes "softly" whatever that meant and then she carefully applied the eyeliner. After opening and looking in the mirror, Dean was surprised.

He kind of...liked it.

The black enhanced his eyes and gave them a slight sparkle. For one fleeting moment he thought about putting it on himself. Applying the gunk in his own mirror carefully before going out. Other people seeing him like this. It sounded so freeing.

All at once though his father's voice was in his head. Telling him that he was a man. Men didn't go out wearing makeup in public, and Winchester's never even thought about it.

Dean turned gruffly from the mirror, "Is there something I can take it off with?"

Charlie looked almost sad for him, "Dean.."

"Now."

Reluctantly, she handed him a cloth.

And if Dean swiped the eyeliner from Charlie's purse when she wasn't looking no one had to know. If he stood in the bathroom late at night when Sam was asleep and tried to mimic the precise motions Charlie had done when swiping the color on and underneath his lids no one had to know. Dean Winchester fought the voice inside his head late at night where no one could see him, and committed one of the many infractions of being a man.

---

Cas was...unexpected.

He smiled at dumb things and was naive enough that anything and everything was magic to him. He was astounded by the toaster. Dean having come into the kitchen one morning with Cas holding a piece of bread over the open flame of the stove. Completely burnt on one end and white as ever on the other.

Dean had laughed for a good six minutes before he finally addressed Cas about why.

The stupid angel was endearing and cared too much or not at all.

Dean loved that about him.

Scratch that, Dean loved everything about him.

John's voice was ever present in his head though. Telling him that Winchester's weren't fags, or fairies, or anything other than screw em' once and lose em' men. Yet Dean wanted to kiss Cas every time he smiled. He wanted to hold his hand and wake up in his arms and do all of the cringe-worthy gooey romantic stuff included in rom-coms. Only the voice in his head was loud and persistent, without fail.

So Dean suffered in his silence. Only allowing Cas to be his best friend, nothing more and never any less.

---

Sam had asked to talk to him. Whenever Sam wanted to "talk" it was usually about something he thought was bothering Dean. Usually the thing that was bothering Dean he would push down with beer and sex until the issue was no longer on his mind. He knew it was unhealthy, he just didn't care.

Sam was fiddling with something in his pocket when Dean stopped baby on a side road. He shifted into park and looked at his brother.

"Alright Sam, spit it out."

Sam took a breath and then laid something on the dash. The colors of the charm danced with the sun.

Dean carefully picked the item up. It had a hook at one end, as if it would be hung from something. A wire was adorned with beads. Beads colored in blue, purple, and pink.

"Dad's gone Dean." Dean looked at his brother, Sam looked back. "You don't have to be afraid of who you are. Not with me. Not with anyone."

Dean held the charm for a minute, weighing the voice with what Sam was telling him now. In a split second decision, Dean hung the charm from baby's rearview mirror, and shifted into drive.

(Dean kissed Cas in the kitchen the next day. The angel laughed and pulled him in while Sam whistled and gave one of his signature "I knew it" smiles).

[voicesfromthelight]

A Simple Drum Meditation for Releasing Energetic Blockages

One of the best things we can do for ourselves not only as psychic practitioners, but as humans dealing with the ups and downs of life on earth, is to learn how to care for our energy bodies through releasing emotional blockages. This is one of the most basic functions of any kind of psychic healing work, and even if we do not have the luxury of having acquired fancy Reiki attunements, or extensive knowledge of energy work, there are some simple techniques we can use to help ourselves tune up our systems and keep our energies flowing freely. Chakra meditations are a great start, but today, I’m going to teach you a highly effective alternative to this: a simple shamanic drum meditation.

Before we get into the exercise itself, we’ll need to go over a bit how the energy body works. Our energy body, or aura, as per its metaphysical definition, constitutes the bridge between our physical body and the spiritual dimension. It is a multi-layered energetic emanation of sorts, that encompasses not only what might loosely be termed our “life force,” but the imprints of our thoughts and emotions as well as our physical state and bodily functions. Many illnesses that end up manifesting in our physical bodies have their origin in changes and blockages of energy flow within the aura, often stemming from mismanaged or unhealed emotional processes. This is why releasing these blockages is so important.

One fascinating thing that I have noticed in my decades of practicing energy healing is that often, when we have a traumatic experience that we do not release through properly expressing our pain, the ensuing emotion will embed itself in our bodies, forming an energetic blockage, sometimes for so long that we forget what actually caused it in the first place. I remember the first time one of my best friends, Anneli, gave me a Reiki healing when we were roommates in college. I sat in a chair, and she held her hand on my back for about ten minutes. I felt nothing. Zilch. I was starting to get bored, and to wonder if the whole thing was just an expensive hoax. Then, all of a sudden, I felt a twinge in my back, almost like someone had pinched me. (She hadn’t.) “Ow!” I winced. Then, at once, an overwhelming flood of emotion overpowered my senses, out of nowhere. I bawled my eyes out, with no idea where the emotion was coming from, or what had caused it. It kept going and going. By the end of the cathartic session, I felt lighter on my feet, energized and relieved. Anneli had helped me release an energy blockage that had become dissociated from its instigating event.

While there are many excellent books written on energy healing, such as Barbara Brennan’s “Hands of Light” and Amy Wallace’s “The Psychic Healing Book,” the best way to learn about energy healing is through practice. You do not need special attunements to do energy healing work! While I encourage you to read as much as you can and make use of the chakra meditations I have posted earlier in my blog, which are a solid foundation for this type of work, the drum meditation I will share today is a great way to familiarize yourself with what releasing energy blockages can feel like. It will help sensitize you to your own energy body, and teach your brain to tune into your subtle sensations. (It’s also a great cure for tension headaches and lack of sleep!) Are you ready? Here is what you will need to do.

1. Find a recording of a steady shamanic drum beat, between 20 and 40 minutes long. The more boring, the better. I do not recommend using one of the more “New Agey” ones couched in “pretty” synthesizer padding. You need something that will profoundly tire out your brain. Sandra Ingerman, for instance, has some good ones available, with rattles and whistles. You can find them online. You can even download shamanic drumming apps for your phone!

2. Set up a way to listen to this track on headphones. If you can listen from your phone, which you can keep in your pocket, it will have the additional advantage that you can get up and move towards the end of the meditation, if you feel like it.

3. Headphones on, lie down in a comfortable place, close your eyes, relax, and begin the drum track. Keep your eyes closed. Try to empty your mind. Your brain will probably start out with some resistance to listening to something so relentlessly monotonous. Go with the flow, but do not stop the meditation. Your brain will eventually give in, and shift to a different wavelength.

4. Turn your attention to your body, and tune into how you are feeling. Can you sense where you are harboring tension? Mentally scan each area of your body in turn for any discomfort. Pay attention to your shoulders, your arms, your face, your stomach, your throat, your knees, your legs, your feet, your toes… When you locate an area where you are holding tension, breathe into that area, and try flexing, vibrating or shaking it off until you feel a release. You can also squirm, change the position of your body, rub, massage, or hold your hand over any area that feels “asleep.” Breathe deeply. You will probably notice you are carrying tension that you didn’t even realize was there.

5. At some point, if you stay focused and keep releasing the physical tension as you notice it, you will also start to feel repressed emotions welling up. You might feel an urge to laugh, cry, groan, yell, snarl, sing or giggle. Whatever comes up, allow yourself to express it as fully as you can. Let it all out, and keep breathing deeply as it all bubbles to the surface. Keep going until you feel the emotions have all been released.

6. When you feel you have exhausted all of the pent up emotion, and released as much of the physical tension through vibrating and shaking as you can, you will probably experience a rush of energy. Your body will be warm and tingling. If you feel moved to do so, get up and dance. Move your body in ways you haven’t done in a while. Stretch out. Shake your behind. See how you carry yourself differently. Express yourself through movement and sound. Sing if you feel inspired. Keep breathing deeply and moving your body until the drum track ends.

How do you feel now?

Congratulations, you have just released ossified emotional blockages, and done an energy healing on yourself!

P.S. Since posting this meditation, people have brought to my attention similarities between this and holotropic breath work. It's true that there are similarities to that, and also to other techniques such as Osho's technique of dynamic meditation. While I arrived at the drum meditation exercise described above independently and instinctively, it goes to show how universal certain principles of energy healing can be. These techniques work! 

[ideasmithy]

Endurance

There will be days like this one. Not warm enough to fight. Not bright enough to shield from. But with incessant dripping acid drops that corrode every spot of your spirit. When every impatient word lands like burning shrapnel on your skin. And when every thoughtless action & every unreturned call comes back to scream up your sense of unworthiness. The rain makes it so there’s no peace to be…

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[believingfate]

Prompt: Pandora was the Goddess of human souls and emotion. What she felt controlled what human beings felt. Distraught by the rejection of a god/goddess she loved, her emotions became too powerful, causing all near her to go crazy. To protect Olympus and mankind, Zeus and his brothers removed her emotions, sealed them in a box, and removed her memories. The box, full of the world’s happiness, sadness, and lust, was given to Pandora to guard and protect. 

However, as centuries pass, Pandora’s loss of emotion takes it’s toll on the Goddess. After all, what does one do without emotion...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muscles cramped in her chest as years of unshed tears battled to come forward. The goddess gasped in breathless desperation. 

Her hands are pressed so tight against the lid, knuckles crack. 

“Oh god” She sobs. The silver mist leaks out farther and her breathing accelerates. 

“Oh God”. 

[random-bookquotes]

He shows no fear. The stink from him is not like an animal's fear. I doubt anyone but me can smell it. It is the stink of a deeper fear, buried under a mountain of will.

John Skipp & Cody Goodfellow, Required Reading Remixed Volume 2

[figmentpez]

Unwanted Emotion (or: How I learned to stop repressing and have the feels.)

As strange as it might seem to the average feel-filled Tumblr user, having and expressing emotions, especially unwanted emotions, is an unfamiliar thing to me.

For many years, when my physical health was at its worst, I don't recall having much emotion at all. A mixture of anger and fear, always mixed, is all I can remember, and not much of that. Weather I repressed everything, or my body just wasn't capable of producing the necessary responses, I don't know, but the end result is that I spent five or more years of my life almost devoid of feels.

Even before that, I kept my emotions under the rule of my intellect, as much as I could. If I felt something I didn't want to, or thought that I shouldn't feel, I did my best to just not feel that way. I suppressed my emotions, with no words to label what I was doing, or any idea of the consequences. It became such a strong habit as to be automatic, suppression became repression and over time I became less and less aware of it happening, it just did. It isn't that I didn't feel anything, I still felt what I thought I was supposed to feel, but I only let myself feel what I could reason out was an appropriate response.

Of course, I didn't think of it in this way when it was happening. I thought emotions were supposed to be rigidly controlled. Be happy, but don't be happy about the wrong things, or too happy about certain things. Be sad when it's appropriate, but don't be sad about stuff you should really just get over. Be upset, be indignant, be outraged, but don't ever, ever be angry; people who are angry are out of control and evil. I didn't think of any of this as suppressing or repressing emotion, I didn't really think about what I was doing emotionally, I just thought I wasn't supposed to, or didn't want to, feel certain ways, and so I didn't.

I don't know how good I am at repressing my emotions. I don't think there's any sort of reliable scale, though I'm still pretty amazed at how much emotion I can manage to shut down before even realizing I felt it. For instance, while I was in the hospital I was planning a trip to visit some of my relatives. I thought planning was going well, but then I had some bad days. I wasn't enjoying eating, I had trouble connecting in groups, journal writing didn't come easily and my emotions started to back-log. I finally figured out why: I was excited about my trip for a reason I didn't want to admit. If I'd been happy to see my relatives, or visit museums, or even just happy to eat at fancy restaurants, I would have been fine; but I was happy because of the possibility of meeting someone I know on the internet. (Someone I now know I had no chance of meeting, but that's besides the point). Because I didn't think I was allowed or supposed to be more excited about meeting someone from the internet than I was to be with my relatives, I just shut down that excitement, so quickly I didn't even realize I was happy in the first place. In turn that dragged down all my other happiness as well, and messed up my ability to feel other emotions as well.

Repressing other emotions has a less global effect, and the result is usually just pain in some part of my body. Such repression has it's limits, as well, and when repressed feelings get too much, I turn to numbing behaviors. Some other people turn to drug, alcohol and or food. While I have used sugar at some points to get a rush and help repress, more often I turn to video games, web surfing and, sometimes, porn. Which is not to say that every time I play a video game or surf the web that I'm trying to suppress emotion. Far from it, but in the past I have played video games to the point I was nauseous and could barely walk, just to get away from what I was feeling. Hopefully I'll continue to be healthier in my gaming, now that I know better.

This is part of why I talk about my crush so much when blogging. Having an unwanted crush isn't entirely new to me, but having one with all the knowledge I now have is very new. I'm not really sure how to deal with it, and there are complications I never would have expected. Lately I've been getting intense anxiety from stray thoughts about my crush, and I have no idea why. I really don't. I have to stop and take deep breaths, and I can't even put words to whatever thoughts are going through my head.

It has something to do with that I'm happy just to know her. If I never heard from her again, if she disappeared from the web, I'd be happy just to have what little interaction we did (well, I'd worry about her too, but let's assume I knew she was fine, somehow.) My head says I'm not supposed to be happy about this, let alone this happy. My thoughts say she'll think I'm creepy, and others will think I'm delusional. So I tend to try and not be so happy to know her. I worry that this happiness can't last and that I'll turn into that jerk who rants about the "friend zone"; only I'd be worse because we're not even friends. That's despite that I've maintained friendships with girls I've had crushes on, in the past. (It's only after dating a girl that I, apparently, become incapable of friendship.) I also still have conflicted feelings about finding other women attractive, and my rational mind goes bonkers over that. Why I feel commitment to a girl I have no relationship with is... frustrating, to say the least. Beyond that... I dunno. There's more, and it's connected with other stuff, and I can't put words to it, but it's really throwing me for a loop.

That's on top of the social anxiety I'm having to cope with going to class, and trying to socialize. Trying to cope with being in a classroom environment again, and trying to memorize names and dates, lines from plays and all sorts of other stuff. Keeping up with assignments and appointments and all sorts of other stuff that I haven't dealt with in years.

Despite the blog title, I haven't really learned how to stop repressing my emotions. I still do it automatically sometimes, and it often takes me days to figure out what I've been repressing. Time I can ill afford. Time I have to spend probing my own feelings, teasing out thoughts my own mind is trying to hide from me. Time that I wish I could spend on other pursuits. Time I often spend trying to numb feelings I don't know I have, or can't verbalize, and wish I didn't have to deal with.