“Delicate,” during a Family Crisis. How T.S. gave me Hope
When Reputation came out I planned on listening to it for the first time while driving around my Nashville neighborhood. Instead I ended up driving to Vanderbilt Medical Center with my frantic mom on the phone telling me that my dad was in the ICU. He’d had a major heart attack. I remember sitting in my dad’s room later that night, looking at the many wires and tubes twisted around his body and wondering if these were our lasts moments together. When I finally left the hospital, I got into my car and sobbed, ugly, choked tears. My dad was lying in intensive care, yet I felt like I was the one dying. When I started the engine, the CD continued spinning, and suddenly “Delicate” was blasting. The song sounded like I felt, almost afraid to hope for a happy ending, for a fresh start. Yet even in the midst of pain, it sounded alive with possibilities. Without thought, I started to nod my head and tap on the steering wheel as tears splashed onto my knuckles and soaked my shirt.
My heart, as shattered and bruised as it was in that moment began to respond. I started singing along. When the chorus hit, I felt a tiny spark of joy, like a brief glimpse of starlight in a cloudy sky. And from the ruins of the personal hell my day had become, I felt real hope. I started to believe that I could get through this crisis. That very moment WAS delicate, fragile, and sensitive, but it was worth wishing for, worth fighting for, worth throwing myself into head first with passion and faith in the power of love. I wanted my dad to heal. I wanted to feel okay. I want to kill the intense fear that was threatening to bury me. “Delicate” became the unlikely anthem that helped me defeat the doubt and believe my family would find healing. The next few days, I listened to it nonstop, especially when I held my crying siblings or right after the doctor gave us another new but gloomy update. It was the only thing keeping me sane. Throughout the week, I never stopped relishing in the powerful way that song made me feel. “Our family has soooo got this. It’s going to be fine,” I just kept telling everyone.
And it was. My dad made a MIRACULOUS recovery. Now the song that had been my lifeline in my darkest night was a hymn of thanksgiving. “Delicate” carried me, held me, comforted me and later was the anthem of my family’s joyous celebration. Every time I hear it, even now, a smile comes to my lips. It reminds me that even in my weakest moments, I am very strong. And more importantly I can choose to be happy. Thank you Taylor, for creating music that showed me how to keep on living. I love you!
Is it cool that I said all that?
