hey, just checking in on you. i know i’m a stranger; i don’t mean to overstep, but the way you describe your turmoil on your cycle is a real blast-from-the-past for me; for years, like clockwork, for the few days before my period hit i’d suffer through total maniac emotional upheaval.
it got so bad (re: suicidal intrusive thoughts) that i started using hormonal birth control (because i hoped that if my irregular cycle leveled out, the overall depression would also fade somewhat). i think i started it around 20, or so? but that was at my breaking point, and i shouldn’t have waited so long. i put it off because i thought my conservative parents (i’m also asian, and asexual) would misunderstand that i was out here seeing people…but saying that i got so overwhelmingly sad for 3 days a month that i wanted to die did get through to them.
and like, the bc worked. with time.
you’re going through a lot rn (it’s that time of your life, and all) but i want you to know you’re not alone in this ordeal. and you are So Busy and time is a nebulous concept and maybe 30 sounds like an impossible age with impossible achievements but it’ll come. if you live, you’ll see it. and staying alive is a little easier if you have a medical professional to help you.
i don’t mean to scare you. i’ll be 30 next week, but it’s not like i’ve forgotten what it feels like to be 18, and how fucking hard it is. i’ve just…seen so many friends lean into the fatalism and hopelessness that comes with being 18. they picked their hill to die on (going through it alone) no matter what i tried to do. and now, they’re not around to turn 30 with me.
it’s ok to reach out for support. it’s ok to take things at your own pace and make choices for yourself in your own way. nobody—and i mean nobody—is going to think less of you for needing help. and if anybody does, that’s a them problem.
hang in there. i believe in you!
this made me feel SO seen thank you so so so much :') and god im realy really sorry about your friends.. i do plan on talking more with people close to me, maybe even asking if we can look into what's wrong with my brainium probably later in my college life.
im lucky that i can recognize when my pd is messing with me, like hmm i was in a really good mood why am i suddenly wanting to delete my blog and restart and why do i find no joy in anything. hmm!! and it resolves in either hours or a day and bam i'm back to normal again. i know some people just...feel like that, all the time, so i know i'm fortunate that mine just comes and goes and i can recognize it.
i think my parents will listen more over time as i continue to establish myself as a person with complex emotions and thoughts more and more; i've touched on a bunch of more sensitive topics and they haven't been immediately shutting me down so that's a win. i think everything will turn out fine, and i do really genuinely love my life, and i think it'd be a waste if i ended it so i don't plan on doing that anytime soon.
thank you so much again :') be well and happy early bday!!
