#resolvingproblems

[andra-cor]

[janecococowles]

How to Cut the Story and Get to The Heart of the Matter in 30 Minutes

As featured in The Elephant Journal

“What is bothering you most?” Jasmine, my therapist, asked. I really didn’t want to drudge up this story again, but I was here to get some help, right? So I gave it whirl. As I started to recount the bitter details of the fight I just had with my friend Alice, Jasmine asked me to stop talking. This was a first, I thought, my therapist is asking me to stop talking and we are not even 5 minutes into the session. Noticing the puzzled look on my face, Jasmine told me I had to stop the story.

Jasmine wanted me to cut the details. She wanted me to identify a single trait my friend was portraying - the one that I disliked the most. I was stumped. I began to talk again. “Well, Alice always knows best, she talks incessantly and over me.  The other day I had had when she …  “ Jasmine stopped me once again. I was reverting to my story.

Jasmine was really pushing me to dig deep, to the core. As I searched for the trait I felt the same frustration, agitation and anger as I did when I was fighting with Alice. Well, Alice did have an opinion about everything.

As maddening as it was to identify this single trait, opinionated, it was no where near as exasperating as dedicating an entire session to going on and on about the same thing. And the same thing was what Jasmine called the story.

Jasmine will not let me or any of her clients tell her the story, because she feels it does not accomplish anything. It just stirs up the same thoughts that trouble us all week without providing relief. When Jasmine forces me to delve deeply to the core issue within the first 5 minutes of the session, she gets me to face what is really bothering me not simply dance around it by telling my story.

We tend to get stuck in our stories, but the story is just a different set of people and places. The underlying issue, the trait that we dislike, will continue to bother us until we identify it, define it and really understand why it bothers us so much. So instead carrying on this same problem that I have with Alice into another relationship, I am able to recognize my dislike for the trait of being opinionated and resolve it.

Jasmine does a few things, all of which are accomplished in 30 minutes, to help her clients recognize, understand and manage our behaviors when we are next faced with the trait we dislike.

Identify the trait we dislike/despise.

Describe the specific ways in which the person is portraying the trait. In this step, we list specific instances. For example, Alice was opinionated Tuesday afternoon when she told Sally and me that she could not possibly see the new movie because it was stupid.

Identify ways the person portrays the opposite of the trait. For example, Alice is openminded when it comes to trying new restaurants.

Finally, list the specific instances where we have portrayed the trait that we dislike/despise.

Step 4, is hardest for me, but it really works. It is hard because I do not want to think of myself as portraying a trait that I dislike so much. As I think of the instances where I am opinionated, I start to feel hot, fidgety and angry. I am even tempted to leave the room. But once, I identify the ways I too portray the trait I can then have compassion for my friend. This is the part of the session that helps me the most. I understand that it is just a trait, it does not define me. By taking ownership of the trait, I understand that no trait defines a person. It is just something, for good or for bad, we all exhibit at times.

But we push the trait away because we don’t want to think of ourselves in a way we dislike and I have found through my work with Jasmine, that the more I push away a trait the more I keep falling into situations where it confronts me. Now armed with the tools to not only recognize but deal with the trait, I am able to manage what would once become a troublesome issue within 30 minutes and breath a sigh of relief.

[365lifenotes]

One step back, five forward

So. Me and my guy had another huge argument about a week ago. Of course, it started out over something so simple a and got to the point of him yelling and Me drowning in my own tears but Luckily, after lots of my tears and some CALM talking we resolved the problem. But let me tell you why and how guys can make things worse or easier for a girl to communicate. 1) guys need to understand that they aren't the only ones who care and they aren't the only ones with stress. Communication is the key here. The less yelling and more patience equals a better resolution. Don't ever hold emotions in, but rather talk about how you are bothered and work together on it. Feeling alone, never helps anyone. Plus, you may find you both think the same way. 2) if there are any other girls like me out there, which I'm sure there are, guys need to actually listen to what she has to say, with no judgements. She may be guarded for a reason and you can't just push her till she cracks. Women don't work that way. Trust works with communication, honesty and spending time together. The more understanding you have of these, the stronger the feelings become. 3) guys need to be there. If she is psychotic, over dramatic, and crazy sometimes, don't constantly tell her. Just be there to calm her nerves or calm her mind. (Kissing and holding her hand can often distract her) this can be very useful if you plan on getting her pregnant one day. If you keep her calm, she probably won't rip off your head or balls. And dont forget to show your appreciation. She probably works hard to support you. No matter if it's emotional, financial or physical support. She is there. Just do the same. 4) make important decisions with her not for her or without her. This can be either how you strengthen or weaken the relationship. She wants to make decisions too, she was probably independent before you so don't try to tell her how to live her life, give her freedom but also be there if she needs you. Trust her and she will trust you. 5 ) give her romance. Show you care. Tease her, call her pretty, take her on a date, make her smile like she's never smiled before. And don't forget to prove you love her as often as you can. Keep reminding her and she will keep reminding you in return. 6) last but not least, both people in the relationship need to understand life isn't perfect, but in order to survive, we need to have hope and communication in the tough times. Coming from the girl in a long distance relationship, if it is meant to be it will be and just giving up over something small or simple usually won't help. So yeah, that is just some of my quick ideas on how to stay happy with someone you love. I can't say my man and i follow all of these all the time but learning is part of life and working together also strengthens us as a couple and a team. God knows how hard it is for two bipolar gemini's to be in a long distance relationship. But, happiness comes in all kinds of shapes, places, and ideas.