It seems like people get lazy with old relationships.
When a relationship is new, there is a pressure to perform that drives people to want feedback. They’ll ask “is this okay?” “do you want _?”
But when a relationship gets older, and people start getting more comfortable with one another, they stop asking those questions. They assume that it’s okay to give a hug or borrow a thing or steal a kiss. And there’s nothing wrong with familiarity, but it seems important that people don’t give up on maintenance of older relationships.
My parents talk to me sometimes about things that the other does that are annoying. They would probably get along better if they had an honest and open conversation- even if it happened just once every other year- about what annoys them about the other, what they think is important, and what they appreciate about each other the way couples do when they’re young.
I have friendships that fell apart a few years ago because they were old and we relied on patterns that we had established when we were children. But then we went off to different high schools and different universities and different lives and when we came back, we tried to use the same patterns and they didn’t work anymore. But instead of trying to figure out why or to try something else, we just kept trying the same old patterns until the relationships shattered under the strain.
My roommate and I have been best friends for nearly four years now, and we’ve had two talks about our relationship just in the last six months. The first was when we moved back into each other’s spaces after a long break, and the second was after a semester of living together in an apartment for the first time. We talked about what we were and weren’t comfortable with and what we wanted and didn’t want and how we felt about the other’s actions and attitudes, and between the two conversations, several things changed. Had we continued without the second conversation, we could have been fine, but because of it, we are much happier with one another.
It struck me as odd, to change patterns of behavior with someone who I’ve spent so much time with already, but it also felt really right, and in the end, we’re both better for it.
This isn’t to say “never get comfortable” or “bash the other person if they don’t immediately make changes”. It is saying- don’t settle for passive tolerance of a person’s faults just because you’ve known them for forever. It’s not fair to hold something against someone when they’re not even aware that it might bother you.
So I think people shouldn’t allow familiarity and comfort to become complacency. Acknowledge that people change- both you and the people you have relationships with (romantic, platonic, familial, etc)- and that acknowledging and adapting to those changes over time is an important part of maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.
