#restoring balance

[mavsea3]

D'une étoile à l'autre Je te desire tellement mon cœur sûrement je vais fair mieux

[panickinganakin]

all costs Kylo Ren x reader (au)

A/N: They're meeting Snoke! Wooooh, how spooky huh? I love some of the feedback and support I'm receiving! Thanks to everyone who continues to read! You can find the Masterlist here for previous chapters! I love soft kylo, sorry if you hate it, it’s all headcanon tbh. 

Warnings: language, angst, fear. nothing major. 

word count: 2068

You were on a shuttle, sitting in the co-pilot seat. You knew nothing about flying but Kylo assured you he had it under control and needed no help. It was beautiful, watching the way space passed around you through the window. 

You felt your stomach tighten as the ship started to slow down, “Kylo?”

“Master Ren,” he reminded you. Though he told you call him Kylo, he said you had to call him this in front of Snoke. 

“Sorry,” you mumbled reaching up to scratch the back of your neck. “Master Ren, if this doesn’t go as planned... If I don’t leave with you after this, I want to thank you. Thank you for seeing something in me, for taking the time to train me in what little ways you have.”

“It’s not what I seen in you, it’s what’s in your DNA. Don’t forget, it’s the midi-chlorians that did this for you. But, you need to stop doubting yourself, you are strong. We will be at a disadvantage without you.”

The comment only stung a little, he wasn’t wrong. If not for the midi-chlorians, you’d know exactly where you’d be right now. This view of the stars? Much nicer. “What do I say? What if he asks questions?”

Kylo stood up, coming over to help you undo the straps on your seat, “It’s too late to practice answers. Besides, he could ask you things, but he can see inside your head.”

You nodded, afraid to speak anymore. 

You followed Kylo off the ship, becoming more terrified than ever. The walk seemed like it took forever. There were guards dressed in red, stepping aside when you and Kylo finally arrived. 

“Finally, I’ve been waiting. Come forward,” his voice was deep, and he was scary indeed. “I’ve heard many things about you, let’s waste no time. Now, Kylo Ren says you have twenty-six thousand midi-chlorians per cell. I do see it, the force is like a beacon in you. So peculiar, a maid...”

His comments made you feel stripped down, vulnerable. He knew everything about you, without meeting you one time. Maybe a lot of it was what he was told, but you wondered what else he knew.

“The sands of Tatooine, young Vader was from there... You know that, don’t you?” He was grinning, it made you uneasy. You wished you could run and hide back on the ship, you would trade everything now to be scrubbing shower walls. 

Tatooine... That’s your home. You looked to Kylo, he looked shocked. “Any relation?”

“Not a single relation. How strange, Tatooine would give two of the highest midi-chlorian children in existence. But you, you know nothing but The First Order. You were two when you were taken, almost three. And-” he stopped speaking staring at you. 

What did he see? You couldn’t remember what you had been thinking about. Did it matter? Could he see everything? He looked at Kylo, then back to you. “Strange, why didn’t you tell your Master Kylo about your dream?” Dream? Oh shit, the dream, the blonde man with the scar. You hadn’t even remembered until now. 

Kylo was looking at you angry, “What dream, Supreme Leader?”

“Y/N has already been visited by a Jedi. Anakin Skywalker.”

Who? Anakin? You looked at Kylo, your eyes pleading for help. “I didn’t remember, it was just a dream. We started training as soon as I woke up, I don’t know a thing about visits.”

“Why would he visit her?” Kylo wasn’t looking at you anymore, his voice was cold. 

“Because he failed, just as all the Jedi before him. The only Jedi you see are already dead.. What did he say?” Snoke’s voice held a large amount of curiosity. He could see Anakin visited you, why couldn’t he see what he had said?

You felt shaky, but you didn't dare lie. “He told me to fight back. I’m sorry, who is Anakin?”

“Anakin Skywalker was a Jedi. He later became a Sith, Darth Vader,” Kylo’s tone was even more cold. 

You felt foolish, but there was no way in hell you would die here. Not today. “I have no interest in aiding anyone but The First Order. The order saved me from my home and has given food and shelter all of my life. There was no rebel scum coming to my aid.” Dramatic, a nice touch. You felt honest in this, you never went hungry or without shelter. You had a protected life. 

“You mean this... But, when faced with the Jedi the pull will be strong. Where does your loyalty lie?” 

“With the order,” you didn't hesitate. You would fight by Kylo until the end. 

“Fight by Master Ren until the end? So is your loyalty with Kylo Ren or The First Order?”

“The First Order,” again you responded without missing a beat. 

You could feel Kylo’s eyes on you, you were terrified to move. “Do you mean that? You say this, but, if I asked you to kill him now, would you?”

“Supreme Leader-” Kylo started but was interrupted. 

Your head dropped, you knew the answer. No. You couldn’t take anyone’s life, could you? “I’m not strong enough, but with your guidance-”

“No. You can’t do it now, not before you’ve even seen the good. Greatness lies within you, but you’re too weak to seek it.”

“Supreme Leader, it’s only been days, if I could just have more time-”

“Do you think the rebellion will wait for your training to be done? That’s ignorant. You serve no use to me.”

Fear overcame your body. Kylo was wrong, he would be leaving without you. He would fly home alone, your cold body on the floor, just as you had seen it. Fear, anger. The rebellion wouldn’t wait, that was true. But you just needed time. 

Before you realized what you were doing, a guard on the far left of you was in air, being dragged toward you. The other guards were igniting their weapons now, but Snoke threw a hand to them, and they stopped, but you did not. 

He was just feet away now, you slung him down on his knees, it was incredible. What the force could let you do. You turned your hand, his own weapon now at his helmet “I want to fight,” you said, your voice was flat and icy, you didn’t recognize this sound of yourself. 

“You will kill him?” Snoke asked you.

The blade pushed further against the red mask, you would if it meant you lived. Your life was more important than this guard’s. You had never seen his face, you weren’t even sure if he was human. You would leave today, at all costs. 

“Spare him.” As soon as he spoke the words, you let your hand fall, the guards weapon fell with it. “Kylo Ren, you will take the girl. You will see to it she is trained properly. I expect reports.”

That was it? You would get to leave? It felt too easy, it couldn’t be. No, there had to be more. You weren’t sure what was to become of you, but you knew you would not let him down. 

You shuffled out of the room, on Kylo’s heals. Afraid to speak a word, you stayed completely silent. You made it back to the ship and Kylo still had not spoken, but he helped buckle you in, which made you feel better about the situation.

You had been flying for what felt like years before you finally broke the silence, “Kylo, please say something.”

You wished you could rip his helmet off, to see what his facial expression was at that moment. “I was right, you’re leaving with me.”

“Kylo, you know my loyalty, and where it lies, it’s with y-”

His hand went up, you fell quiet. “Don’t say it aloud. Your loyalty is with the Order, anywhere else will cause you death. Mine is with the order too, if the time came, you know what I would have to do. And I would do it. At all costs.”

At all costs. You knew, Kylo had been in your head during the whole interaction. Was he protecting you? No, you were reaching. He just needed to know what you had been thinking.

You understood, no part of you could feel angry at this. He was right, and you would die before you let him die. It was strange, filling a connection with the commander. You were sure it was because he trained you, or was training you. You weren’t anywhere near done, the thought made you ask, “What next? When we get back to Starkiller, what now?”

“I still do not trust you. You’ll stay in my quarters, we will continue training. You’ll work at my side, as my apprentice. You’ll aid my missions, you’ll learn along my side.”

You mouth twitched up in a smile, “A maid, at Kylo Ren’s side.”

“No, not a maid. A knight of Ren.”

You couldn’t help it, you busted out laughing. “A what? You sound absolutely ridiculous.”

“I have the power to kill you, to end your life right now, and you’re laughing at me? You are brave, extremely ignorant.”

You let your head fall, suppressing your laughter. When you closed your eyes you seen the man again, Anakin. You jerked up quickly, looking around. “Did you see him?”

“What are talking about? Ah, no. It’s the pull to the light. Ignore them, as best as you can. Your main concern is living, to serve the Order. Snoke says you have greatness in you, you have to see that. The power of the dark side is much stronger than the light. Everything you could imagine...”

The ride was silent after that, you were afraid to speak. Why would the light try to pull you in? You had never met anyone who was a Jedi- had you? Of course not.

When you made your way into Kylo’s quarters, you went straight for your bedroom. That was odd to think, your room, inside of the Commanders quarters. You laid in your bed, for a long while. You hated being alone with all your thoughts. Why couldn’t this misery end? A restless mind. 

You held your breath, listening for any sign of life. You heard nothing from the room next to yours, you stood up. You wanted to go talk to Kylo, but you didn’t want to bother him or overstep your bounds. You wish you knew exactly what the line was. If you’re looking for companionship you won’t find it here, you remembered him telling you that. Did he mean it? You sat in front of the wall, leaning your ear to it, pressing a hand against it. The cold felt good to you, it reminded you that you were in reality. That the things you were living through were real. 

Would it always be this busy? Your brain running endless circles around itself, was there a pause button?

“Your mind is restless, I can’t sleep. Could you, calm down, please?” Kylo had entered without a warning. You pulled yourself from the wall quickly, not wanting to seem weak. “Why were you there? You have a perfectly fine bed. Were you spying on me?” His mouth pulled into a small smile.

His night clothes made him seem different, soft. He looked like another person when the layers and capes were stripped away. He almost looked like a friend. “I felt lonely. I feel lonely, I was just looking for- a sign of life. I thought maybe your breathing would bring me comfort.” There was no point in lying, he could pull your thoughts out anyway, if he truly wanted to know. 

His smile turned to a frown, his whole demeanor shifted, he walked to your bed, sitting down. He laid back, resting his upper body against the headboard, “Come here.”

You listened, a knot forming in your throat. You took the space beside him, at a comfortable distance, still unawake of your boundaries. You both stayed silent, glad he was there. Previously feeling worlds away, you now only felt miles away. “Kylo,” you finally croaked, the tears stinging your face. “Does it end? The restless thoughts? This feeling of loneliness?”

He was quiet, you were scared to look at him, afraid he would think of you as foolish. The moments ticked by, only the sound of the two of you breathing. Your eyes finally dried up, but the pain was still in your chest. You felt warm skin on top of your hand. You looked down, his hand covered yours completely. “The restless thoughts? No. The loneliness? Sometimes.”

chapter five

tags: @bensoloslover​ @crockgoblin69​

[howifeltabouthim]

It is an accident that you are well-off, powerful, and content. Would I feel stronger if I saw you weak?

Alice Notley, from Certain Magical Acts

[kindof-superfluous-blog]

Korrasami Week, Day 3: Sparring

Bolin walks into the Sato residence and hangs his coat on a rack. A series of thuds, bumps, and grunts are emitted from the next room.

"Oh... Um... Are they..." Bolin asks.

"Yup." Mako doesn't even look up from his newspaper.

"Oh..." Bolin is right to feel awkward. Last time Korra and Asami sparred, they lost three priceless vases, scared Pabu into the pantry, and didn't speak again until that night.

"Yeah," Mako says. "We're all gonna die." He flips a page and keeps reading, resigned to their fate of a disturbingly silent evening.

In all her years of bending, Korra had never met a more formidable opponent than her wife. They've been practicing (or rather, trying to one-up each other) for over two hours, and neither has gained any ground. Their form is impeccable, both of them. They know each other so well that they're practically mirroring each other.

"You can't do that in practice!" Asami cries.

"What?! Of course I can! We didn't write down any rules."

"Well you could've killed me!"

"I knew what I was doing."

They sit after their training session, glaring sullenly at each other, and Bolin and Mako making sure they have a clear shot to the door. The silence is palpable and the tension jagged. Asami and Korra sit pouting on separate couches. Several minutes go by before Asami notices a bruise forming on Korra's arm and sighs, her love for her partner drowning out her competative nature. She grabs some ice from the freezer amd sits next to Korra, placing it on the bruise.

And with that simple act, balance is restored to the living room.

Until the next training session.

[panickinganakin]

Third In Command Kylo Ren x Reader (AU)

A/N: This is chapter 7 of an ongoing series. If you would like to read previous chapters, you can find the masterlist here. I recommend reading previous parts as they are referenced in heavily in this chapter and you also may be a bit lost. 

okay this was kind of fun to write but I’m not great at action scenes so forgive me if it’s kinda choppy. Reader finally get’s her lightsaber!! 

Warnings: a few curse words, softy kylo, mentions of sex

Word Count: 2133

You woke up the next morning in Kylo’s bed alone. You weren’t surprised, he was usually up very early. You grinned, pulling the blanket over your head, Kylo Ren kissed you. He finally kissed you.

When you made your way to the main room he was sitting on the couch, reading on a datapad. “Good morning,” you said before crossing into the kitchen to find coffee.

“It’s good you’re awake, we a have a mission today. Jakku, we’re searching for something- a droid.” Kylo looked up at you, his mouth was a flat line, baring no expression really. Then, the corners of his mouth twitched up and he grinned, “How did you sleep?”

“I slept very well, thank you,” you grinned. You took the seat beside him, he laid his hand on your knee then leaned over to you, kissing your forehead.

“Go change, we need to leave soon.”

You nodded, getting up to go to your room. You looked in the mirror after you had changed into your black robes. You brushed your fingers through hair quickly before balling it into a bun. You let your fingers rest on the spot he kissed minutes ago, a tingling feeling still there.

It was strange, how connected you were to him. Like if someone tried to separate you, you would forget how to breathe. You hadn’t known him long, but you knew for sure that you existed to be by his side.

Kylo stood in the doorway of your room, watching you. “Ready, then?”

You crossed the distance that separated the two of you, laying a hand on his chest. “Don’t forget you promised me ice cream for today.”

“Do a good job on this mission and you can have whatever you like.”

You tilted your head up, a grin spreading across your face, “Whatever it is I want?”

A look you had never seen from Kylo consumed his face, “We can talk about that tonight.” 

You grinned, for the first time your thoughts drifted to a dark place. A place where Kylo's naked body lingered above yours, his breath shaky and soft moans escaping you. 

Kylo stared at you, eyes wide and mouth open. “We will definitely talk about it this later.” You giggled, knowing that he seen your thoughts. 

You followed behind him, still lost in your thoughts. Kylo was not your first kiss, a stormtrooper had been, many years ago. You wouldn’t consider yourself a person full affections but, you did have a fling once. All physical, no emotional connection. You of course, had also had sex before, only once, and it was awful. That’s what ended the whatever-the-hell-it-was with the trooper.

“Stop thinking,” he mumbled turning to you. “I don’t like to think about you like that, not if I’m not involved.” His mask distorted his voice, but his bitterness made your heart flutter, Kylo was jealous.

You nodded and continued to follow him, “Commander, good day, sir. Are we ready then?”

“Yes, we’ll be taking our own shuttle. I want only three to follow us, this mission shouldn’t be tedious, it’s just a droid. I want TIES standing by if anything goes south.”

“General Hux said-”

“I don’t care what Hux said, you listen to me.”

There wasn’t another word from the man and he scurried away, shouting commands to others around him. 

When Kylo had taken his seat he motioned for the seat beside him in the cockpit, “Sit.”

Being here reminded you of when you went to see Snoke, the way the stars looked as you passed through space. “It’s beautiful,” you breathed. Just like your trip before. “Do you ever get use to this? Seeing the galaxy like this?”

“I’ve seen a lot, between traveling here and there. I’ve learned to find beauty in other things,” when he said this, the leather gloved hand rested against your arm. Kylo was the king of cheesy at this point. Still, that didn’t stop the blush that formed on your face. 

“Oh get out. You only like me because the force told you too.”

Kylo reached up to his helmet, the air spewing from it as it released. He pulled it off and sat it down beside his seat. “Do you think that?”

Your face was even more red now, you could feel the color traveling down to your neck, “I don’t- uh- I don’t know. You said the force showed you me, showed you us I mean.”

“You are not as smart as I thought then. When I seen you on that bed, you were asleep. The way your hair decorated that pillow, I could see you then, it all made sense. I have sensed you from the day I joined the Order, I could just never find you.”

You were silent now, you knew he was being truthful. “So the night before we went to see the Supreme Leader, you told me you couldn’t see yourself returning without me, you meant that?” 

“What was it you said that day, all costs, right? I wasn’t going to leave without you.”

You felt speechless, you reached over for his hand, understanding what he meant. He said his loyalty was to Snoke, and he even told you that if he had to, he would kill you. Maybe he meant that part, maybe if Snoke made him kill you, he would. But you didn’t want to think about that now. In this moment, it was just the two of you. 

“Y/N, your mind is so loud. Just, believe in the order. Don’t think about what Snoke said. Just focus on our mission.”

The two of you stayed silent the rest of the flight, your eyes were huge when you landed. “Look at all this sand! This is Jakku?”

The land looked endless, it was breathtaking. So plain, but so powerful. You had never seen anything like it. “Did I say Jakku? No, I meant Tatooine.” Kylo had his helmet back on now, the stairs were lowering.

Your chest sank, Tatooine? He brought you here? Like you had asked? Before you could stop yourself you were running down the ramp, your legs gave out and you collapsed in the sand. You dug your fingers deep into the ground, it was gritty and warm. “This is where I’m from?”

“A bit rough, isn’t it?” He asked, joining you at your side, looking around. “Very dry.”

You laughed lightly, wiping a tear that had fallen from your eye. “What are we doing here?”

“It’s a pit stop, to look for the droid.”

“So we are going to Jakku?”

“Yes. But I wanted to let you see Tatooine, I thought you deserved it. You’ve been working very hard.”

“Can I bring some with me? The sand?” Your mind was scrambling, but you never wanted to forget this.

“Bring some sand?” His voice was confused.

You were rummaging through the ship now, looking for something that you could bring a piece of your home in. You spotted a small vial, normally used for taking blood. You popped the top off and ran back down the ramp. 

You dipped the vial down onto the ground carefully collecting the contents of the planet. Once it was full you screwed the lid back on and stood up, grabbing Kylo’s hand. “Thank you,” your voice was a whisper but you knew he would be able to tell how much you actually appreciated it. 

He laid a hand on your face, stroking your cheek with his thumb. “You don’t have to thank me.” He leaned down to leave a kiss on your forehead after he took his mask off and before tugging you back into the ship. “We need to leave.”

The flight to Jakku was uneventful, all you did was hold the vial of sand close to your chest. A piece of your home. And Kylo did it for you.

“We’re here. Stay close, pay attention. Our job is to locate a BB-8 droid and retrieve it. It has something we need.”

“What do we need?” you were walking behind him.

Kylo’s voice was deepened by the mask, “A map of sorts. We can talk about it later. Just stay focused now.”

You nodded, deciding it best to stay quiet. At the entrance of the ship you were met by three storm troopers, “Good evening Commander Ren.”

Kylo nodded and kept walking, the storm troopers fell in line behind the two of you. “Reports?”

“He was last seen with a scavenger sir, a female with brown hair. They were running with FN-2187.”

“Ah, the traitor. We will bring him back, the scavenger means nothing to us.”

You started to feel nauseous. Up until now, you had only trained in a padded room. And now, you were on your first real mission and still without a lightsaber. The only thing you had was small blaster the stormtrooper passed to you. You took it, lip quivering, you had never shot one of these. You were more afraid of hindering the mission now more than anything. 

Out of the corner of your eye you could see people running and yells coming from a cluster of stands. They were running through the market, “Kylo, look! They’re over there!”

The five of you began to run towards the three trying to escape, “They can’t go anywhere without a ship!” One of the stormtrooper’s yelled shooting the blaster. 

“They’ll find another way, don’t give them the chance!” you yelped. You were running the fastest, you were smaller and limber, able to cover ground quickly. “Kylo, give me a tracker?”

“A what?” he yelled activating his lightsaber. You guys were gaining ground fast but the three had found another ship now. It was huge, it looked broken down. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t fly. You wouldn’t wait around to find out.

Kylo tossed you a small black box and you took off faster now. If you couldn’t stop them maybe you could at least make sure the order knew where they were and where they would be going.

You seen the droid falling behind the rest of the group, you pulled your blaster out. “Don’t destroy him!” one of the troopers yelled. 

You took a deep breath and aimed for the ground in front him, shooting the blaster. A screech came from the robot and dirt flew everywhere. “No!” you gritted your teeth. The robot continued to run across the sand. At least he wasn’t dead. 

The ship the group had escaped to began to roar to life. “Shit!” you cursed. 

The heat from the engines felt like they were going to burn your face but you persisted. Opening the black box that Kylo had given you, you bent your knees, preparing to jump after the ship that was now leaving the ground. You smacked it against the bottom and fell to the sand relieved to see it had stuck. 

You sighed, finally recovering oxygen in your lungs after it had all escaped when hitting the ground. “Send the TIES after them, we have them tracked but let’s see if we can stop this now.” Kylo said, he was close behind you.

One of the stormtroopers was in front of you now, offering his hand to help you up. You took it, pulling yourself from the ground. “Thanks,” you mumbled dusting the sand off your robes. The robes were tattered now, but you didn't mind, you felt as you did a good thing. 

“Good work, Commander.” he said before walking away. 

Did the storm trooper call you Commander? Had you heard that right?

“Nicely done, we will catch them. The TIES are going after them now, thanks to you we will have their whereabouts confirmed.” Kylo patted your shoulder. 

You nodded, suppressing a smile. Maybe. you were cut out for this work after all. You followed the group back to where the two ships had landed. 

“Commanders,” they said before nodding and parting to theirs. 

“Kylo, why do they keep calling me that?” you asked after the steps had shut behind the two of you. 

“Because, I’ve instructed them to. You are now third in command. Snoke, me then you.” 

Kylo was pulling a box out of a sealed door in the cock pit. “I’m w-what? What about H-Hux?”

“What about him? Hux doesn’t have the force, does he?” Kylo crossed the metal floor, holding the box in his arms. “Open this.” He instructed.

Your hands were shaky, what was this? Everything was hitting you at once, your role, your responsibility. How did one go from being a maid to third in command? You twisted the latch and the lid popped open. 

When you raised it, you were shocked to see a black handle with red designs adorned in silver as well. “This is for me?” You asked, you voice unsteady.

“You’ve earned it.” 

You picked it up, wrapping it up in your right hand. They weight was surprising, but it fit so well. You stepped back from Kylo, pressing the silver button. When the red blade activated you squealed with excitement. You had finally earned your lightsaber. 

Chapter Eight

tag list: @bensoloslover @crockgoblin69 @napping-is-my-favorite @shesakillerkween​ @jellyfishbeansontoast​ @stylishbauers​

[panickinganakin]

family ties Kylo Ren x reader (AU)

A/N: okay okay chapter five did have some soft kylo and I’m noooot sorry at all. get ready for more! this chapter he’s gonna open up, very soft hours. I’ve scrapped this chapter twice, not totally in love with it, but this one felt right. It’s kind of filler. So, sorry if it’s not what you guys wanted. 

this is chapter 6, you can find all previous chapters here! 

warnings: nothing but soft kylo hours

word count: 2307

It had been three days since you first stepped foot into the training room. You were sick of seeing the padded walls. It was torture. Though, you would admit, in three days you had grown much stronger and became quicker. 

“You’re like a little Ewok, you’re climbing everywhere,” Kylo laughed after he took off his helmet. 

The two of you took a seat side by side to eat lunch. “I think it gives me an advantage, wouldn’t you say?” One thing you could do was bounce around and turn flips over him. As long as he couldn't catch you, you kept the upper hand. Once he grabbed you, it was over. But, you were getting better. 

The bruises on your body were beginning to fade, only a handful of new ones now. But, Kylo had one too. It was on his face, you had finally hooked him in the jaw, you felt awful about it. He even called you a baby when you got teary eyed. The thing was, for you, is that now you knew you could actually hold your own in a fight, could probably give someone a good ass whooping, but, you did not like fighting Kylo. 

Ever since the night you had snuck into his room to sleep, things felt different. He didn’t treat you any different, or act strange, it was like everything and nothing at all had changed for you. You felt connected to him now, like you had to be around him. 

“An advantage? Maybe. You’re learning quick. It’s weird, I don’t absolutely hate all the time I’m having to spend with you.”

“Damn, I wish I could say the same,” you frowned then laughed lightly. “It’s weird still, isn’t it, being here? Well, I guess not for you.” You took a drink of water from your bottle, then stuffed a bit of bread into your mouth. Your thoughts were shifting from cleaning quarters, to the medical room, to standing in front of the Supreme Leader, and lastly, to the brown sands that were your home, but you never really knew. “Kylo.”

He looked irritated, just having shoved food in his mouth, so he just let out a “Hmmm?” between chewing.

“Will you take me to Tatooine?” You figured it was a long shot, asking him to do such a thing. But, you couldn’t stop thinking about it. Going to see your origins, where you were you born, but most importantly, leaving with Kylo. You guys had a lot of privacy, as much as you wanted, but all the eyes that were stuck to you like glue as you walked anywhere, it felt like an invasion.

You didn’t have to look at him to see that he was frowning, “Do you think that’s a good idea?” HIs voice was serious, you didn’t like where this was going.

“Why wouldn’t it be? You know-- knew-- your family, and where you're from, I would like to at least see where I was born. My mother, she’s dead. I don’t remember a thing about my father... I just, want to see it, ya know? The sand, I want to feel it! I don’t even remember what it feels like.”

“I think, you’re soft. Family does one absolutely no good.”

“Why do you say that? What were they? Were they mean to you?”

Kylo shook his head, “It’s very... They were weak. I couldn’t be around them. Self-centered, only cared about themselves and the resistance,” he sneered. 

“Not everyone is born strong, and not every definition of strong is the same for everyone... You know that, right?” 

“You just, don’t understand. I don’t wish to share.”

“Fine, don’t. I’ll just share mine then. So, my earliest memory of the order is bunk beds. Lots of different faces, ever changing. Do you know how difficult it is to grow up with roommates? Don’t even try to picture puberty, it was awful. My roommate... She was mean, she loved to argue and pull hair. I was glad when she was moved up in the ranks, meant she got to leave me alone. Ambitious, I'll say that about her. Uhm, I started cleaning when I was fourteen, so imagine doing that for as long as I have. Then, one day my DNA was tested and I met you. My whole life story fits in a handful of sentences, isn’t that sad?”

Kylo looked at you, his eyes inspecting your body, before letting out a sigh. “Hurry up and finish we aren't done yet,” was all he said. 

You felt angry, angry that you didn’t have a story to tell. You had never realized it until you put into actual words. So you put your food to the side and stood up, “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“He tried to kill me, or wanted to anyway... My Uncle. He was training me in the ways of the Jedi. I woke up one night, he was standing over, lightsaber blade just an arm’s length away from my body. My family betrayed me... They were weak because they seen my potential, my uncle wanted me dead. I had no where to go.”

You sat back down beside him, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him against you. You hugged him tight, stroking his hair. You had no idea the way he suffered in silence. The look of sadness that consumed him when he slept, is this what he dreamed of? Almost being murdered by someone who was suppose to care for him? Love him? “Kylo, I am so sorry.” You knew that your apologies wouldn’t heal anything, wouldn’t make anything better. So you just sat there, holding him, comforting him. 

“I just, it’s all I can think about at times. I wasn’t good enough for my family. They never understood me, never wanted me.” You could feel his tears on your arm. 

“Oh Kylo.. Don’t ever think that. How foolish of them... They were so wrapped up in their own lives.. Look at you now though, you’re strong. You’re a leader, you are smart and you are kind.”

“I’m not kind, I’m a monster. I’ve killed people,” Kylo was shaking his head, his body was rumbling. 

You gripped him tighter, kissing the top of his head, “You’ve done what you’ve had too to live. You had to live. You couldn’t have died, not before I got to you, that wouldn’t have been fair, would it? Kylo, I need you. You serve a much greater purpose than what you’ve done so far. We, we are gonna win this. Then, we can rule together.”

Kylo chuckled, using his glove to wipe his eyes. “But, if we destroy everything, what will be left for us?”

This confused you, he was the one training you in the Dark Side, wasn’t he? Wasn’t he suppose to want this? Wasn’t it what he was working for? To destroy the resistance, to beat the rebels? “Kylo, you say this, but? What do you want then? To runaway? We can leave it all, the rebels, the order...”

He sat up now, pulling away from you, “Don’t be foolish. I didn’t mean that... I just mean, I don’t know.. It doesn’t matter. Come on, let’s go back to our quarters.”

Ours.

You stood up, smoothing down your robes then collecting your trash from the lunch you two had just finished. Kylo put his helmet back on and rushed out of the room quickly. You followed behind him, dragging your feet. 

The scenery was always the same. Sleek black and silver walls, workers walking with their heads down, whispering until Kylo came into view, they always stopped then. You thought they may be afraid, which was funny to you, knowing him now. But, you knew him differently than everyone else of course. You shared a bed, that was also something else. Before the night in his room, he would come sit in your bed, on the furthest edge, just until you fell asleep, then he would leave. But the night you stayed in his room, it continued for the three nights after that one. It wasn’t unusual anymore, there was no waiting until one caved to join the other. You simply went to his room, and laid beside him after yours showers now. 

It was mostly small talk, if any talk at all. You slept close to each other , not exactly cuddled up or intertwined. Just a small distance between the two of you, usual your hand. on his arm or the other way around. There was so many unspoken things between the two of you, or at least you thought so anyway. He could see inside your mind, could pick you apart, but he never asked or talked about what you were thinking.

You went straight to your room, finding a clean robe. You liked your showers cold, like ice, they made you feel real. You scrubbed your scalp, the shampoo smelled like orange cream ice cream, a delicacy you had only received once in the cafeteria, you wondered if Kylo would be able to get you some, you would ask. You watched as the soap swirled down the train, feeling so much better clean. The conditioner smelled the same as your shampoo, it made your hair feel soft.

When you changed you grabbed your brush and put your hair into a loose, damp bun before going to Kylo’s room. He was sitting on the bed, his wet hair slicked back, already curling back up. “Hi,” you said sitting on the far side of him. 

“You want something, tell me,” he turned, his facial expression completely serious. 

“Well, I want ice cream.”

“The kind that smells like your hair,” he smiled before his mouth returned to a flat line.

“It’s my favorite.”

“Hm, really? I prefer cherry.”

“I’ve only ever had the one.”

“A pity, such a delicacy.”

You laughed laying back on the bed. “We’ll get some tomorrow then, all sorts of it.” He laid back, his head resting on his pillow, he turned his body to face you, arm extended toward you.

You laid your hand on top of his, “Kylo. You told me when I first came that I wouldn’t find friendship in you.. Is this? Not what this is?”

“I’m not sure what this is. You’re a distraction to me, honestly. I should be out on missions, but instead I’ve been kicking your ass for almost a week. We should go out into the real field soon.”

You rolled your eyes, taking your hand away from him, laying it on top of your stomach. “You’re a bitch.”

“That’s not very kind of you to say, especially to your commander.” He reached for your hand, taking it back. He intertwined your fingers with his, this was the first time he had actually held your hand. You felt like oxygen was non-existent now, you couldn’t breathe.

You wanted to think so many things but you were terrified, afraid he would see them and shut you down. “Stop being afraid to tell me what you’re thinking.”

You bit your lip, what were you thinking? You had never been close to anyone, not in the way you were with them. You didn’t know exactly what this was. Definitely friends, more? Of course not more, there couldn’t be more. You were being trained, what would happen when you were done with that? Would he keep you around. “I’m wondering, if when this is over-- when I’m finished training.. Will we still share this bed every night? Or will you send me to my own quarters? Never speak to me again?”

His face twisted with confusion, “You ask good questions. I’m thinking, do you want to know what I'm thinking?” He asked, squeezing your hand gently.

You nodded, squeezing his hand back, “Please?”

“I’m thinking that you are a leech. You’re annoying and I could never be rid of you. And since, avoiding you will inevitable, you may as well stay right here.” He smiled. 

“Hmm, but what if I want to leave?” you smiled back, enjoying his humor.

“I’m sorry, is this what you want? I thought I was in charge. I say, that you stay. Here. In my quarters. Just like this, every night, next to me. I have to keep an eye on you, after all.”

The way the gold flickered in his eyes when he looked happy made your heart swell. Not wanting to lose his hand that held yours so tightly, you moved your free hand to his face. “To be completely honest with you, Kylo. I don’t want to leave, I want to stay here, with you.”

You weren’t sure where your feelings were in that moment or what they were exactly. But as his head moved closer to you, you didn’t move. He was inches away from your face and he was closing that gap quickly. When his lips pressed against yours, you felt yourself losing air again. You didn’t realize how bad you had wanted this to happen until it finally was happening. 

You wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer to you, his lips felt hungry against yours. Like he was waiting for this just like you had been. When he finally pulled away he was silent for minutes. Minutes that felt like forever. 

“Say something,” you encouraged. 

“I’m glad you’re here with me. I’m glad it’s you. It’s strange, I feel like it’s always suppose to have been you. The force, it shows many things. I knew, when I seen you on that medic bed, I seen you here, like this tonight.”

You felt speechless now, did he mean this? “If you knew this would happen, why didn’t do that sooner”

Kylo chuckled, pulling you closer to him. He kissed you again, before turning you over and pulling your back against his chest. “Goodnight, Y/N.” 

You closed your eyes, finding sleep would be easy tonight. Maybe you would dream of this night, the kiss and his arms wrapped tightly around you, protecting you from everything that the galaxy had to offer. 

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[panickinganakin]

companionship Kylo Ren x Reader (au)

chapter 5! you can find the other chapters here!

A/N So, Supreme Leader Snoke has spared you your life. You’re training with Kylo begins now. I’m having so much fun writing this! Thanks for everyone who is reading and liking it! I have began to post on ao3 as well! you can find me at panickinganakin (same as here!) Thanks again! enjoy chapter five!

Warnings: they are training to fight, so mention of blood, passing out, bruising, SOFTKYLO,ILOVEYOU

Word count: 2586

That night you dreamed of Kylo. The way he told you the loneliness did end sometimes, the way his cool skin felt on yours. Did he mean that about you? Were you the key to softening the commander?

You woke up the sound of shouting. You jumped up, confused but ready to fight. You felt ridiculous, passing a mirror, your fists were clenched. You pushed your door open and Kylo was pacing the main room. “Oh good, you’re awake.”

“Yeah, uhm, I’m up. You could have just, I don’t know, knocked on my door, you didn’t have to yell?” You huffed, a little annoyed. You enjoyed sleeping, it was your favorite activity and it’s gotten harder since the day they found out about your midi-chlorian count.

Kylo frowned, “What are you talking about? I wasn’t yelling,” suddenly his faced softened. He was dipping into your brain, trying to see what you had heard. “It’s hard, to ignore it. It feels like it’s right beside you.”

You knew your face held all of the confusion your brain held, “What? I heard you-“ you stopped. Was it Kylo you heard? You weren’t sure, you just know you jumped up. The force, the Jedis, they were after you again. “Why did all of this happen at once? It’s like it was a switch. If I’ve always had the force in me, why didn’t happened before now?” You slumped down into the couch.

He stood in front you, thinking over his words, “It’s like it has to wake up. The force isn’t ready to fight until it is. Of course, if you know you have it as a child, it’s different. My mother had it, my Uncle was a Jedi. We knew it was there, I started training young.”

This was the first time he had mentioned his family, you wanted to know more. “So you knew your family?” It felt almost unfair. The Order kidnapped you, you had no choice. Why would someone choose to leave their family if they actually knew them and got to grow up in a home?

“Family isn’t always a good thing. I’m sorry you were ripped from yours. But, believe me, it saves so much heartache. It doesn’t give them the chance to betray you.” His fists were clenched now, his jaw tight. This explained a lot suddenly. 

“Your family? They betrayed you?” You felt connected to him, you had since the first night here. But, now you craved more, wanting to get closer. 

“We have a lot to do today, maybe another time we can discuss pleasantries.” He grabbed his helmet, you felt your mood drop, you didn’t like it. You preferred him much more like this; hair hanging down in soft waves, deep eyes exposed. “You have a new robe set in my closet, I had it delivered today. Please change, then we will leave.”

You stood up without another word, then went to his room. It was a lot like yours, much less homey though. Whereas your room had a dresser with a mirror, he had not a single mirror. His closet door was slid open. It felt almost comical, how everything in there was the same. Black robes, black cape, black boots, black gloves, over and over again.

There was a red bag, zipped up completely with a small paper on it that had your name on it. You took the bag, going back to close Kylo’s door.  You laid it across his bed, unzipping it slowly. You had expected black robes similar to his, just more feminine. You were pleasantly surprised to see red fabric in some spots. 

After putting it on, you went to your room to examine yourself in the mirror. It fell a few inches below your knees, the black fabric was soft, extremely comfortable. Your hands ran over the red belt that hugged your waist. You ran your hands through your hair, it wasn’t a bad look. Maybe the dark side suited you. 

When you exited the room, Kylo was waiting at the door. “Now you look like someone who is ready to train. Come.”

As you followed Kylo out of the quarters you had a hundred questions. Where would you two be going? Would you be flying somewhere? And when the hell would you get your own lightsaber?

“When you earn it,” he mumbled, stepping in front of a door, waiting for it to open. 

Damn, he had the advantage of being in your head. That wasn’t fair. Maybe after you trained and learn to control this better, you could be in his too. “How do I earn one?” 

“You learn to control the force, learn to fight. Prove to me that you are worthy of wielding your own, then, you will get one.”

You nodded, not willing to argue. He didn’t seem like one to budge from his decisions. “Will I have to wear a mask?”

You tried to picture yourself in a mask like his, or something similar. It seemed ridiculous to you, you would die before it, you decided. “Not if you don’t want.”

You felt satisfied with that answer and decided to not ask anymore questions. The scenery of the ship now felt foreign to you. Just a week ago you were scooting around the place, cleaning living quarters. Which, you hoped you never had to  clean another shower again, except for your own of course. 

You walked through the cafeteria, people were sitting in their uniforms, gawking at you as you trailed behind Kylo. “We won’t be coming back through today, you need to grab food for later.”

You nodded, following him to the line of people waiting for a meal. They stepped aside for you, it was odd, everyone moved as if Kylo was parting a sea. They all stayed quiet, aside from a few harsh whispers, as you gathered a box to take with you. 

“Imbecils,” Kylo mumbled as you two finally got away from everyone. 

“People love to talk. There’s not a lot of new things that happen for the workers. We’re- they’re mostly in the dark about stuff. I remember, never getting updates on much. Unless there is an assembly called.”

He nodded, not offering much more to the conversation. You were sure it was because he didn’t know what it felt like. You couldn’t remember exactly when he joined the ship, but you did remember that it was talked about for weeks. A new Commander, sent to us directly by Supreme Leader Snoke himself. Rumors of human, alien, all types of things were said. You never imagined the dark haired man that really lived under the costume.

“Here we are,” he said, punching at a keypad. 

The door opened to reveal a large room, almost the size of the cafeteria. There were padded walls, robots powered down in various spots of the room. A table full of droids, you had seem them before, they flew and spit lasers. “We will be practicing hand to hand combat today.”

Hand to hand combat? Your stomach dropped, you couldn’t remember the last time you threw a punch, in fact, you don’t think you had ever done that before. “Kylo, I’m actually a pacifist.”

You could hear the chuckle through his mask, “Were. You were a pacifist. Now you’re a fighter, a killer.”

You couldn’t picture yourself having to kill anyone. None of that mattered now, you either had to fight or die. The most important thing was you continued to live. But did that even matter? Living? You had no friends, no family, no one to come back to bed at night that cared if you survived. You were alone.

“Once you have your lightsaber it is very rare that you would have to use only your fists and such. However, it is possible for your opponent to disarm you. Step one, never underestimate your opponent.” Before you could even blink Kylo had you pinned down on the ground, all the air knocked out of your lungs.

“Fuck,” you coughed pushing your hands against him. It was useless, you couldn't even budge his body. 

“Up, try again. Look at what I do, try to judge what my next move will be.” 

You were up, wiping the sweat off your cheek. “That doesn’t seem fair does it? Considering you’re in my head.”

“You will never know what your enemy is able to do, until they show you. Don’t let assumptions be your weakness.”

You nodded, understanding what he meant. You seen him lift his arm up, his hand in a fist, coming for the right side of your face. You threw your arm up to block it but before you could even realize what was happening, his leg was hitting against your ribs. You coughed loudly, hitting the floor. 

Kylo stood above you, “Up.”

For what felt like hours of agony, you were repeatedly knocked down time and time again. You could feel the bruises forming on your spine, your ribs, hip and head. With each punch you grew angrier, was this his goal? You felt your legs shaking, you were so close to passing out. Your body refused to take another blow, it would rather perish.

Somewhere along the way Kylo had pulled his mask off, maybe it was to eat, the events were running together at this point. You could taste the metal in your mouth, blood that was slowly dripping from your nose continuesly making its way back to your lips. Would it ever stop oozing?

Kylo’s arm reared back, coming straight for the side of your head, it felt slow motion, your vision blurred. Focus. You bent your knees crouching down, lifting your leg to meet his side. He stuck an arm out to block your leg, so you pushed your hands forward, straight into his chest. 

Kylo fell back onto the ground, you stuck your knee into his stomach, towering above him. Your face was inches from his, his eyes looked black, like coal, “I win.”

“Pinning me down once against my hundreds of times does not count as a win,” for moment is his eyes twitched up like the corners of his mouth.

You would have bet he was finding humor in the blood splattered on your face, the hair matted against your skin, you bet it was funny how much of a train wreck you looked like right now. You tried to stifle a laugh but suddenly your body was cold, your vision disappeared.

You woke up on the couch, confused and disoriented. Kylo was standing off in the corner, “What happened?” Your throat was dry, you needed water.

“I kicked your ass today. Your body finally gave out.” He sounded so serious, you rolled your eyes standing up. You were shaky but managed to keep a steady foot.

“I got you one good time, so maybe you didn’t entirely win this, right?” You went straight for the kitchen, the soft sounds of his bare feet following behind you.

Grabbing a glass from a cabinet by the pantry you turned on the faucet, giving it a few moments to become completely ice cold before filling the cup. “So tomorrow then, I was thinking, we would try again.”

The mention of fighting with Kylo again made you realize how sore you were. You body felt like a tightly wound rubber band. You sighed, holding at your arms. From what you could see without a mirror, you elbows and shoulders were bruised. You grabbed the bottom of your robes, wait, when did you change out of your black robes?

“I had a maid change you, after bathing you. You were out cold.”

You nodded, you examined your stomach and chest, your ribs and thighs all had nast bruising on them. “Damn, Kylo,” you huffed turning so he could see what you were looking at. Maybe it should have felt weird, letting him see so much of you but then again, it really didn’t. “You could have at least asked me to dinner first.”

Kylo tilted his head, an expression of defense covered his face, “I make sure you have dinner every night!”

You busted out in laughter, quickly clutching your rib cage, “Don’t make me laugh, it’s painful.” You turned on your feet, feeling the cool tile on your bare skin made you feel better. “Well then, tomorrow then?”

“Tomorrow.”

You had hoped he would follow you to your room, offering to sit beside you as you found sleep that night, just like he did the night before. You laid in bed, eyes covering every part of the ceilings over and over again before you realized he wasn’t coming.

You sat up, debating on what the right decision was. You were lonely, just his very presence healed a large part of that. When alone in your room you felt as if the galaxies very own black hole would bust through your walls and suck you in for eternity. An eternity of pure and udder loneliness.

When you left your bed you realized just how cold it was. You could feel your skin tighten up, chills decorating your body from your neck to your ankles. You tiptoed across the short walkway that separated your bedroom door and Kylo’s. Reaching for the door, your body felt lighter as you realized it was open, unlocked. Did he know? These days everyone seemed to know more about you than you did yourself.

You walked slowly to his bed, he was curled up one end of it, soft black clothes covered most of his body. His black hair pushed around and matted against his skin. His eyes were shut but you sensed a great unease coming from him.

You crawled into his bed, as gently as you could, sliding your body under the black sheets. They were soft, so soft. You could see yourself sleeping in this bed so easily, the way it formed to your body like a mold. At first you took the other half the bed, the bed was very large so it was a safe distance. But the look on his face, the sadness, it made you scoot closer. You were a fingers distance away now, you could feel the even pattern of his breath.

You laid your hand against his cheek, not daring to rip your eyes away from him. As if your looks could protect him. You knew your hand must have been cold but he didn’t mind, he hardly moved at all. The only thing that changed but his expression. The scared look and sadness faded slowly and was replaced a calm look of ease.

If you’re looking for companionship here, you won’t find it here.

That’s what he said to you all those days ago, you smiled, closing your eyes. He lied. You were his friend, and you knew it. If it was untrue he would have made you leave when he woke up. But, instead, his eyes met yours and he smiled softly. “Hi.” He whispered. Even with him awake you didn’t move your hand, he moved his to sit on top of yours. His hands were soft and warm, they made you feel better. “Couldn’t sleep?”

You shook your head and bit your lip, besides today in the training room this was the closest you had ever been. You were just inches away from each other, “Sorry.”

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?”

“For intruding in your quarters.”

“I’m not sorry,” he said moving his hand to your face now.

You two laid there like that, just staring at each other. You didn’t remember falling asleep but you did remember that wasn’t hard, not with him beside you.

chapter six

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