#resume fail

[mycandidatesaidwhat-blog]

Interests: Traditional female pursuits like ironing

Shockingly, not an applicant from 1954

[onlinedatinghorrorstory]

I really love how so many messages and profiles are basically horrible resumes.

[imperiuxs]

I’m currently trying to write a resume and it looks like this:

Skills and Abilities

I can answer Harry Potter trivia I have a long attention span, I’ve re-watched Merlin three times in a row I’m a fast decision maker, I choose an Instagram filter and I stick to it I know the words to Frozen, most Disney songs in fact I won a candle in high school once but I can’t remember why I’m determined, I was stuck in the Water Temple in the Legend of Zelda: OOT for over a year but I persisted and passed I can recite the Hail Mary I can speak french but only in ballet terms; fondu ect. I can do 32 calf rises and dance with a crack in each tibia I have architectural experience from playing the Sims and Sim City

[sothisisyourbest]

The Best Way to Describe Contract Jobs...or Not.

Was happily reading resumes until I saw: 

Staffing Agency/ Network Services                                                         12/2010 – Present (Sporadic Jobs)

---

Because "Sporadic Jobs" definitely instills confidence in your ability to hold a position. Confidence that you definitely had "Spotty Employment."

Look, we get that you were working for multiple clients, but why not just say "Multiple Clients"? Anything but "Sporadic Jobs." 

[sothisisyourbest]

Do You Still Use a Telephone Phone?

This isn't the worst we've seen, but...

Answered calls to office using telephone phones.

Because we definitely thought you were taking all your calls on cellular phone phones. #BasicAssBulletPoint

[sothisisyourbest]

How Introverts Shouldn't Lead Their Resumes

"I am a quiet, friendly individual. :o)" 

So basically, you won't have shit to say but you don't want us to think you're crazy...you ticking time bomb you. Note: Never use a smiley face on a resume, but in particular, never use one with a button nose. It makes you look crazy.

[sothisisyourbest]

Basic Ass Bullet Points #BABP

Just know that this was on a résumé for a day job:

- Caffeinated myself from 11pm-7am

What else were we supposed to think? 

[sothisisyourbest]

Basic Ass Bullet Points #BABP

-Gained knowledge and skills acquired through practical work experience

So are you gonna tell me what this knowledge and these ambiguous skills are? No? So let me put you in this trashcan real quick...