“ You’re the only thing that’s ever felt real to me. ” / ryland
types of yearning
The first thing Spencer had felt when he'd woken up on the Hail Mary was fear.
Something was very wrong. He couldn't remember how he got here or why, && having any gap in his memory, especially one as substantial as what he wakes up to, absolutely terrifies him. His memory is a large part of who he is, a large part of why he's so smart && why he's able to do the things that he does; to have it become unreliable feels very much like having an essential organ ripped out of his body. He is defined by his memory, defined by his genius, && without it, he is nothing.
Needless to say, the first thing Spencer did upon waking up on the Hail Mary was have a panic attack.
The ship had some kind of AI that had tried to calm him down, but the smooth robotic voice telling him there is no need to panic, you are safe had done virtually nothing to ease the vice that had gripped his lungs && heart. One hand had curled tightly in his hair while the other grasped hard at his chest as he attempted to fight for air through the complete && utter terror that had overwhelmed him.
In the end, it had been another human voice on the ship that had broken through his panic. He didn't know, at the time, why some part of him seemed to recognize the other man that had woken up on the ship, or why his presence had calmed him so, but his appearance had soothed the terror coursing through him enough that he could breathe && think. Then, later, when he && Ryland had put their heads together to attempt to decipher the how && why of their presence on the ship, a memory would trigger that would answer at least one of his questions; he had recognized && felt calmed by Ryland because he loved him. The memory didn't reveal how or why, as the core of the moment had been the two of them being asked by one Eva Stratt to study astrophage samples, but it had been enough of an answer for Spencer, in the moment, to understand the chemicals that released in his brain every time he looked at his sole companion.
For every shock of terror that ran through him every time he came upon a question he couldn't remember the answer to, at least he wasn't alone. At least he had someone he loved with him.
Even as more memories surface, even as he remembers that this is a one-way trip, that he && Ryland will not be returning home && will be dying in space at the end of their mission, the panic doesn't return. At least he won't be dying alone. As terrifying as the notion of dying in space is, at least he'll be with Ryland when he does it, && at least they will have saved the human race by doing so. He's always wanted his life to mean something, && it will, now, if he and Grace can figure out how to stop astrophage from eating their sun.
It's good to know that, on some level, Ryland shares this sentiment.
Spencer pulls Ryland tighter into his side, leaning his head so it bumps gently against the other's. "You're the only thing on this ship keeping me completely sane," he admits. Is that codependent?? Without a doubt, but they're completely alone in space, on a trip that can only end in the death of them both, so he thinks perhaps he's allowed a touch of codependency.
❛❛ When I start to think too long about the gaps in my memory, or about what… ❜❜ He falters, swallowing thickly past a sudden lump in his throat. Even with Ryland by his side, there are some aspects of their situation that threaten to overwhelm him if he thinks on them too long or too often. ❛❛ …what happens at the end of this mission, I just think about you. ❜❜ He takes a deep, steadying breath, holding it in for a few moments before slowly letting it out. It trembles less on the way out than it did on the way in.
❛❛ I think about you, and I think at least I'm not alone. ❜❜ His grip on Ryland tightens marginally. ❛❛ At least I have someone I love here with me. ❜❜
