Revision Success (from an hour ago) ❤️🩹
Context necessary:
so when I was deeply religious and indoctrinated to believe everything and anything under the sun about life was sinful except for worship, including music / dancing / drawing, I threw away a lot of my sketchbook drawings and deleted my online drawings of my DR self and OCs and my animations and deleted edits I found on tiktok and deleted my own nostalgic tiktoks that went back to like 2019 tiktoks 💔 all to please god or whatever the fuck they told me I was doing by erasing my identity. I literally became a shell of a human, but whatever
these days, deconstructed, I grieve a part of me that I erased from existence because religion took so much of me and I can't blame the psychosis I was in.. I regret the things I threw away and ruined and destroyed. Vulnerable parts of my childhood and life that I held dear, I was blinded by fear of hell and faith. I can only move from here. So I told myself: "I never deleted it." Referring to my own tiktoks or whatever. Edits, etc. Very lazily affirmed it. I think I'm not very into revision, but for this, I'll give it a shot. Just not now. Don't think I'll go all in yet.
But ....there's this one edit that's been killing me. I LOVED it so much. The audio choice couldn't be found anywhere else either. Tough luck. I remembered deleting it. I remembered going into the trash and permanently deleting it from there too. Gone, for good. To "stop listening to music through edits and dinning", I deleted it. I was so fucked up. I kept searching on tiktok to find the creator but it's an unpopular edit from early 2024, so I was screwed.
Tell me why..... I found it in one of my older Google photos account gallery??? I SWORE I deleted it all. I literally wiped out everything music, art, and my past to "start fresh for God's sake" and I found it!!!! It's just an edit, I know, but it's so crazy. It's revised! If I found this, I'd probably find others too because I affirmed! Even listening to it reminds me of life before religion fucking nerfed me.
ugh. I love loa. this is an itch I finally got to scratch. Listening to it, watching it. It seems so small to many, but it's big to me because of what it means. I think if I found this edit, I can revise to see my old things again. I still grieve, but nothing that can't be fixed! Circumstances don't matter. If I revise enough, I'll probably find my art show up on my bed. The way shit manifests is crazy, I wouldn't be surprised if I find it on the street or if my art and animation shows up in an old file. I don't know. The how isn't my concern. I just know that if I truly want this revised, I can do it. I did it. I'm God after all. The real one.
