Jihyun x Mc | Dolor.
Trigger Warning: Suicide.
Dolor: a state of great sorrow or distress.
I hope you enjoy~
Every was blank. Like all warmth and colour had been robbed of you and all that was left was an unfilled canvas.
Much like your emotions. You couldn’t transmit what was happening into reality. Was it some cruel joke? Was this an anniversary prank?
“. . . What did you say?” The woman speaking didn’t sound like your usual self. This one was vacant, almost, like she was devoid of any positivity. You couldn’t feel the warmth or gentle tremor in his hand as he looked at you with what one describe as utter desolation and regret. But you weren’t looking at him. You were looking straight in front of you, looking out the window at the city buzzing by. None of the people out in the real world aware of the atomic bomb that had just been dropped upon your heart and soul.
Jihyun repeat himself once more, only causing another debilitating blow to your heart. The pain made it all real. This was happening.
Jihyun had admitted to you that he had committed the biggest crime in a relationship.
Infidelity.
You snatched your hand away and brought it to your mouth to stifle the painful sob that wracked through your body. Your mind was blurred, only one thought being played on repeat.
“With who?” Your voice sounded weak, like you would shatter to pieces at any moment.
“(F/n) I don’t think--”
“With you, Jihyun?!” You snapped, completely terrified that it would be the woman that was the cause of many insecurity in you.
“It-It was Rika.”
No.
You felt as though a part of you had been violently ripped away from you.
Your dignity.
Your trust.
Your heart.
“A-And she wants to move back in with me in two weeks when she is scheduled to be discharged from the clinic so-”
“I get it. I’ll pack my things and be gone by the e-end of the day.” Part of you wanted to scream and cry at him for doing something so wicked with her of all people. The woman who attempted to blind him, who abused him. The woman who tried to have you kidnapped.
“No! I-I didn’t mean t-today! You can stay here u-until you find somewhere!”
“Wow, Jihyun. Two weeks to find somewhere?! How fucking gracious of you. God, I can’t even f-fucking look at you right now,” You spat, angry tears falling from your eyes like a waterfall.
“Fuck this.” Was all you said before standing up, phone in hand, and walked out the door.
Once you were on the street, a cold breeze shot up your spine. You dialed the only person you could at the moment, your best friend.
Saeyoung.
You knew he would help you. He still hadn’t completely forgiven V for lying to him about Saeran and especially for turmoil Saeran had been placed under that caused him mental health issues that were still in his life at the moment.
“Hey bestfriend!” His cheery tone shouted down the phone but was immediately cut off when he heard your desperate sobs through his end of the line. “(F/n), what’s the matter?”
“V-he. . . Jihyun ch-- please just come get me,” You cried in the phone, barely able to choke out a coherent sentence. With a quick okay, the call was terminated and you stood in your spot finally beginning to let everything soak in.
Your relationship with your fiance Jihyun Kim was over. You were no longer his bride-to-be or future Mrs Kim. It seems like it had been that way in his heart for awhile. The hours he would spend visiting Rika had lengthened over the past few weeks, and while it bothered you, you had full trust in V. The weight that was still enclosed around your ring finger assured of that at the time. But now it only signified your own indiscretion. It made you aware that everyone, no matter how nice you could perceive them to be, could hurt you in tremendous ways. Like he had.
The screeching of tires pulled you from your thoughts and you saw a red head jump out and run towards you. He stopped in front of you, scanning over your body for any injuries. If only he could see how truly damaged your heart was. “Are you okay?”
You throat closed up as the slow falling tears began to overflow once again as your threw yourself around Saeyoung, wheeping your heart out. The hacker wrapped his arms around your shoulders and held you close, whispering the same thing over and over again.
“It’s okay, you’re safe with me.”
He quickly led you to his car, already having assumptions about what may have happened to you and Jihyun. Soon enough, you were on the road to the bunker with your whimpers beingt the only sound to occupy the space.
Until Seven spoke. “Look you don’t have to tell me now, but I’d like to know why my best friend is so distraught, okay?” He asked with genuine concern lacing his tone.
“Jihyun. . . he ch-eated on me,” You choked out before furiously wiping at your eyes as a you exhaled a shuddered breath. “A-And that’s n-not even the best part. . . It-It was with Rika.”
Saeyoung’s head shot to look at you, his eyes widened with deep-dyed shock. He physically could not believe that V had gone back to that black-hearted monster who abused his own brother for years.
“It seems as though I’m not the only one who finds it hard to g-rasp,” You stifled out.
Saeyoung remained silent throughout the rest of the car journey, not wanting you have a panic attack in the seat beside him. He would ask the ten million and one questions he had when you were in his house, relaxed and with a cup of tea. He wanted to wait until tomorrow but he thought it best to get the worst of it over with as soon as possible.
So when he pulled into the bunker, got you out and to a couch, he ran off to fetch you some tea. In the time he was gone, Saeran had emerged from the room with his signature jumper on. He nearly froze when he saw you sitting on the couch with a look that epitomised depression. You weren’t as close with Saeran as you were with Saeyoung because according to Saeyoung, Saeran felt a little weird around you sometimes due to the fact that at a time, he wanted to kill you. But he seemed to disregard that, as he quietly asked if you were okay.
You smiled sadly at him and shook your head, as another onslaught of tears flowed. The twin settled himself on the couch beside you, awkwardly looking at you as he tried to find something to say. Saeyoung came back with your tea, handing it to you before placing himself beside his brother. You took a moment to really look at them together now that Saeran’s hair was now back to its original colour. They both looked concerned for you but you could tell that their lives were slowly becoming more peaceful now that Saeran was back and working on his issues.
“Did he say why?” Seven asked, causing his brother confusion. Saeran didn’t question it because he felt he would get his answer with yours.
“No. He just sat me down and told me he was seeing another woman. I asked him who it was and he told me it was Rika.” Saeran was visibly shocked but stayed quiet, not wanting to start thinking about that woman.
“Did. . . he say about wanting to stay together?” Saeyoung questioned quietly, not wanting to believe that he was actually getting back together with Rika.
“E-Ehm . . .” You paused to try fight the sob fighting its way up your chest, “He actually told me that Rika wou-ld be moving back in with him. . . in two weeks when she’s discharged. God, he only gave me two weeks to find a place before fucking throwing me out.”
The brothers were beyond appalled at how V handled the situation. He told you he cheated on you, broke up with you and told you that you had to move out within two weeks. “Well y’know what? Fuck him, you can stay with us until you get back on your feet again. He lost an amazing person.” It surprised you that this outburst had come from Saeran.
You gave him a gentle smile before thanking the two.
It was the next morning. You emerged from the Choi twins’ guest bedroom with deep bags underlining your eyes and a grim countenance. Saeyoung and Saeran had both woken up early to make breakfast for you as best they could.
“How are you feeling?” Saeyoung asked worriedly.
“Jihyun texted me to come get my stuff. Would you mind bringing me after breakfast?” You asked, the dread crushing what remains of your heart very evident in your tone.
“Of course. . .” He said quietly, sympathy for you flooding him. He couldn’t even imagine the hurt you were going through. He didn’t know what it was like to have a lover admit to you that you weren’t the one who occupied their thoughts and heart.
After breakfast, you and Saeyoung made your way to what was your home literally not even twenty-four hours ago. Not even a full day since your relationship crumbled and slipped through your fingers. Not even a full day since you had told him that he was your reason for exisiting.
When you arrived at the apartment complex, you told Seven to wait in the car not wanting to get him involved with this anymore than he already had. This was between you and V. When you arrived at the front door, you knocked gently having left your keys in the apartment. The door opened to reveal a haggard Jihyun. He had a deep purple underscoring his usually bright but now dull blue eyes. He was pale, almost white and generally looked like he had seen better days.
He let you in wordlessly as he assessed you, probably thinking the same of what you thought of him. You quickly made your way to the bedroom, pulling out your suitcase and began to fold clothes to busy your hands as they quivered relentlessly. This was by far the most painful thing you had ever experienced. You were saying goodbye to something you thought would last until you died. You loved this man. You loved him with every fiber of your soul. He was your everything. He made you smile when you woke in the mornings and before falling asleep.
He filled your world with a new colour spectrum only to whip it away from you just as quick.
You felt used. Your insecurities of being a replacement for Rika had only been confirmed. You couldn’t comprehend it. You couldn’t wrap your mind around why he chose to lead you on.
Your eyes shot towards the door where he stood, watching your every move with what looked like regret deep in his eyes.
Regret for even going out with me, I assume.
When all your clothes were packed and your shoes in another bag, now came the excruciating part. Deciding who gets to keep the shared belongings.
“Uhm. . . Is there anything you’d like to keep?” You asked feebly, feeling a wave of pain spread across your chest until there was a tingling in your fingertips.
He only stared at you for moment, his face blank and unreadable. “I. . . I don’t mind. You pick what you wish to keep,” He said. It was strange not to hear ‘love’ at the end of the sentence. Although, that was because you were not his love.
You walked around the apartment that still beared symbols of your time together. One thing you noted was all the pictures of you together were off the walls making them look empty. You picked up very little; a teddy bear he gifted to you on Valentines Day, a painting he created for you and an engagement gift given to you by Jumin. It was a small statue of a man and woman holding each other close. You placed them all carefully in the bag before making your way back to Jihyun in their bedroom.
As you entered, V lifted his head from between his hands and stood up. You almost wanted to question why he was so sad but you couldn’t even bring yourself to try and care because your own heart laid shattered within your being. “V. . . If it’s okay, would you mind if I had the photos of us together?”
He nodded absentmindedly and left the room for a moment and returned with a photo album filled with your most treasured memories. You held it in your hand as you retreated from the room, ready to leave as you hauled the suitcase behind you. Jihyun followed you out and just before you left, he asked you for something. “(F/n) . .” He started, stopping for a second like he was in battle with himself. “Could I have the ring back?”
He just stepped on the fragments on your heart like it was nothing.
You twisted the beautiful silver band from your finger and dropped it into his, saying one last thing to him before you walked away, “I hope you and her are happy together.”
Saeyoung got out of the car to help you with your bags when he saw you struggling at the door. He could also see that you were crying once again. This was how you were going to be for the next while. Seven knew how much you loved Jihyun. He remembered seeing you look at the artist like he was the single most important thing in your life. And that he was.
You were silent on the way back, and went to her room once they got there. You just wanted to be alone because without V, you felt like nothing. You felt like you were as significant as a grain of sand on a beach.
After you hauled your bags into the room, you pulled out the bear and tucked it underneath your chin as you retrieved the album and began to reminisce all of your times together. Quiet sobs shook your body as you came across the picture of you and V standing together at your engagement party. You thought you could see the love in his eyes but you were wrong.
All of these memories that meant the entire universe to you were only a burden and nuisance to him.
Word of your break-up with the head of the RFA became known to the members quickly. Your phone was flooded with messages offering emotional support and sympathy for you. You appreciated it a lot but it made you uncomfortable knowing that things in the RFA would now be different. Parties would be awkward and filled with despair when they were supposed to fill you with pride and joy.
Three weeks went by and Seven had begrudgingly set Rika up with a new profile at Jihyun’s request now that she was well. You had an idea of what was going to happen and you were sitting idly by until Rika took another thing you loved away from you.
Your position in the association.
When it did happen, the chatroom went surprisingly dormant for a few minutes after. No one knew what to say. It didn’t seem right for her to just swoop in and take your place there too.
But it was you who made the first response. Just a simple, “That’s fine,” before logging off and deleting the app. Saeyoung was in your room no more than two minutes later, only to see that you were curled in a ball on your bed sobbing once more. Saeyoung made his way to the edge of your bed, holding his arm out to let you hug him. No more than a second later, you were buried in his side with endless cries escaping your mouth.
It felt like Rika was doing all she could to make you miserable. First your fiance and then your role in the RFA. One might argue that it was hers to take but with the cirumstances over the past three weeks seemed to make Rika’s actions cruel and insensitve.
“I don’t know why she’s trying to make my life hell!” You cried into Saeyoung’s shoulder.
You recieved no reply in response, Saeyoung at a loss for words for how you were falling apart piece by piece. Jihyun and Rika weren’t giving you any break from heart ache. They were plucking away your most treasured things one by one, it was like they wanted you to break apart irreversably.
It had been three months since your relationship crumbled and you were stripped of your title. To say the very least, you were lost without V. He brought your days so much happiness. Even before you were in an official relationship with him, speaking with him in the groupchat brought you a sense of ease in your otherwise dull life.
So when it all ended, all you were left with was memories and a future you wished would happen. And that was the most gut-wrenching part. That you would never have the life you wanted because Jihyun was the life you wanted. You often dreamed about having children and growing old with him. It became your only want in life and it seemed very achievable for a long time.
But you were wrong.
So all you did was look through your photos together and hugged the stuffed bear close to you. The nostalgia of the photographs had worn off at this point, but you couldn’t let go. The photos and bear were the only thing you had left of your love.
Saeran and Saeyoung worried for your wellbeing. You either slept too much or slept too little, you ate a lot of fatty foods but gained no weight; actually you seemed to look skinnier as time stretched on.
So they thought they’d get you out of the house. They decided that the RFA party would be a good place for you to start. You could see all the members like Jumin, Jaehee, Zen and Yoosung and if you did see the other two, Saeyoung hoped it would be some sort of closure for you. He hoped that you would see V and realise that he wasn’t worth all the pain and suffering. He wasn’t worth the tears and sobs.
You initially didn’t want to go. You knew that if you saw them together, looking happier than when you and Jihyun were a unit, that you would not be able to handle it. But then Saeran made a deal with you. He told you that he would go and you could be a support beam for one another. His social anxiety was very prevalent in his life and he often felt uncomfortable even in small gatherings of people so adding a ton more and Rika to the equation would heighten it by a tenfold. But he didn’t care about that; he cared about you. Saeran had suffered from a very paralysing depression in his life and he would be damned if he let anyone he cared about even feel a shred of depression.
So when the evening came, yourself, Saeyoung and Saeran all set out to the party. You were all restless on the way there, all contemplating all the possible outcomes of the night. But when you made your arrival, you were greeted by Jaehee who gave you a warm hug and a heartfelt, “I’m so glad to see you, Mc. Zen, Mister Han and Yoosung are all waiting for you inside.”
Just as she said, you were practically pummelled with hugs from Zen and Yoosung when you entered the main hall. Zen made a point of letting you know that he was sorry about you losing your place in the RFA. Yoosung just shot you a sad smile. He didn’t want to say anything because his loyalties laid with his cousin. He still had the notion in his head that Rika could do no wrong.
Jumin was still very close with V. However, he didn’t approve of anything that had transpired in the previous months. Jumin knew of all of Rika’s abuse and felt let down that Jihyun was with her once more and at the cost of one of his friend’s hearts.
You caught glimpses of Jihyun and Rika over the duration of the night but Saeran would then be quick to pull you away and to a place where you wouldn’t have to see them together.
But no one in the entire world would be able to prevent from seeing the horror that ensued towards the end of the night. Rika and V had ascended the stage and Rika began to speak about all of her guests and money they were raising. . . And her engagement with V.
“V and I would also like to announce something. As you all know, we were actually supposed to get married two years ago but due to certain circumstances that could not happen. But now we are finally able to do it! Jihyun and I are getting married at the beginning of Spring next year to signify new life.” A round of applause and “aww’s” rang out through then room. V searched for your face in the crowd and he immediately pin pointed the shocked expression on your face, your eyes staring straight ahead of you. “And I organised this slide show to show you how much I love you, V!” Jihyun looked at the pictures now projected onto a large wall for everyone to see.
First was a picture of them in the park together, second was of them holding each other close, another being of their enclosed hands. Each causing pain to erupt in your being because of how identical they looked to some sitting in the album in your room. But they weren’t the worst. The picture that truly made you want to get sick was of Rika in a wedding dress shop, wearing a beautiful gown. Your eyes were glued to the screen in horror, tears welling in your eyes.
You bolted from the crowd, Saeran losing you in the process, and made your way to the door. Once you got outside the cold air swept through your bones as the rain quickly drenched you. You knees buckled beneath you and you let out a frustrated, pained scream as you truly took into account what you had witnessed. And when that reality crashed onto you, you had to rush to the nearby trashcan as you emptied your stomach. When your gags came to a halt and you were breathing heavily, shaky hands keeping you up, a familiar voice caught your attention.
“(F/n).” There he was. He looked so handsome in his suit and you hated that your heart began to race at the very look at him. He looked so worried as he watched you. He looked over your form, seeing what all of his decisions had done to you.
Deep bags, pale face, thinning body and dull eyes.
“What did I do to make you hate me so much?” You asked weakly, wanting to know where the urge to shatter you came from.
“I-I. . . I don’t hate you,” He stuttered, looking like he was genuinely saddened.
A humourless laugh escaped your mouth as you smiled at him through your tears. “Then what was that V? Those pictures looked so alike the ones we had, you gave her the same engagement ring, you guys have the same goddamn theme and time for your wedding as we did, for fuck sake V she’s going to be wearing my dress!” You screamed. The only reason Jihyun knew what your dress looked like was because he didn’t believe in the sentiment of not seeing the bride in her dress. “So don’t you dare lie to me and say you don’t hate me because you don’t just do that to someone! You don’t just take away everything special they had in life and give to someone else and then rub it in the other person’s face! You set out to make my life hell, you and that bitch! So you know what, I’ll give you the satisfaction now. You win, you got what you wanted. I’m done fighting, I have to live my life watching the man I love live out a future that I wanted with someone else. And live with the fact that he hates me and I will never, ever understand why.”
You panted reptetively after your meltdown, leaving Jihyun at a complete loss for words. He had never seen you like this before, so completely hopeless. He could only watch as you shivered in the cold, your hands trying to produce warmth as quiet cries fell through your lips.
“What the fuck did you do?!” An angry Saeran screamed as he ran to you. He removed his jacket and placed it around your shoulders, all while glaring daggers at the blue haired man who only watched you with sorrow.
“I’m so-”
“Don’t even speak. You’ve done enough damage tonight,” Saeran hissed, already walking away with you tucked in his side.
Jihyun shut his mouth, and watched as he walked away with you. In all his years walking the earth, V had never loathed himself as much as he did at that moment. He had to live his life with a girl he didn’t love and know that the woman of his dreams was now disconsolate because of his actions.
“That’s what you both deserve,” Rika said behind him, a crazed smile stretching across her lips.
With that, Jihyun began to walk. And walk. And walk. He walked until he thought his feet would bleed from the pain. Until he was at the bank of a rushing river.
A desolate smile spread across V’s face as he remembered all the times you spent with him. He pulled out his wallet and retrieved a hidden photo. The only picture he kept. The picture that captured him proposing to you.
Coldness consumed V as the water embraced his body, something that truly mirrored him emotionally. It was freezing, dark and depressing. Jihyun finally felt like he had made the right decision for once. This was something that the RFA would be happy for him doing, right?
As darkness consumed his mind, a final thought ran through his head;
I’m atoning for the pain I caused you. I’m sorry.
{Word count: 4464}
I wrote this fic after having thought of the idea in bed one night. I will continue writing requests tomorrow and I hope you enjoyed this!
