Searching for a Feeling
Despite knowing that aiming for a consistent experience with the gods over periods of time is kind of... antithetical to belief and probably not good for a spiritual practice overall, I can't help but think back to the point where it hit me that I really want to build relationship with the gods.
I was driving to work, literally had just started going down my own street, when I realized that the morning light was beautiful and perfect and I wished I didn't have to go to work so that I could sit outside and see it more properly. Since I couldn't, I decided to say a quick thanks instead. I had already switched my focus to Apollon at that point so I was going to just dedicate it to him, but when I started giving the thanks I felt compelled to switch it. I still thanked Apollon for allowing the light to reach me and shine so brightly but I primarily thanked Helios for guiding it for us each day. Before I could finish the sentence, I could feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes and I quickly (safely) pulled over for a minute to get it under control.
I am not a crier. Like, to the point that I have to sit down occasionally and intentionally try to make myself cry cause I know it's good for you to let stuff out but it just doesn't happen for me a lot. But it had happened so quickly I didn't really know what to do. What I did know was that it was a good cry, I was just so happy and grateful. I couldn't pinpoint what had actually made me start to cry, I'm still not entirely sure.
If I look solely at myself, maybe it was some cosmic feeling of me being able to thank someone else for being there, that I wasn't alone in the cosmos as I sometimes fear. Derealization has been an issue in my life and occasionally it psyches me out to think I might be in some vivid hallucination or simulation or coma and none of what I know is really there. If I look outward, I almost got the feeling that someone else was crying too and giving me a pat on the back or a quick hug. When I think about it, Helios today is a relatively forgotten deity, though I mean it in the kindest sense. In history, Helios was the one believed to draw the Sun with his chariot and was given worship for many centuries due to being so important to agriculture and various aspects of life. But over time, focus shifted and he was worshiped less intensely, then by less people, then was potentially replaced in certain societies by other figures related to light, such as people who do worship Apollon and attribute the sun to him. And today, though I've seen him mentioned by hellenic and roman practitioners alike, the number of people who dedicate worship to him regularly instead of for ceremony or holiday is extremely slim. At least that's what I've seen online, there could be a huge difference to what's practiced in closed quarters. If I could sense that someone who barely knew me, or maybe knew me a long time ago and hadn't spoken recently, had seen something beautiful and loved it enough to suddenly reach out and tell me about it? Yeah, I'd probably cry.
I don't know which of the two is true. It might be that both are true. It might be that I'm projecting onto an entity that was pleasantly surprised and I was just stunned to pick up on any energy at all.
I might never know, but I do know that that feeling has stuck with me ever since. I can't lie and say that I don't want to capture that same feeling again, or that when I meditate or try to hold ritual that that's not exactly what I'm hoping will happen. It can't be healthy or sustainable to have a specific goal in mind when trying to build an authentic relationship, gods or not. I know I need to push that aside and just do things as if that experience was a one-off thing that I was lucky to experience, not something to rely on. But it's difficult. I was not raised in faith, I am not accustomed to believing things without evidence and repeatable results... but that's what faith is. If I'm going to build a practice, I have to really figure out what will stick for me and feel "worth it" and meaningful even on the days where I get that feeling again that I'm alone and my mind and body are fake, that I might be praying to 1s and 0s in a computer program...
I need to build a practice where it's okay for me to do it even if that was ever true, because it's for me, it's what I want. I want to reach out and give thanks to the beings who help shape our world, or influence it, or merely interact with it in a way we aren't capable. I want to feel like they'd enjoy my presence if an afterlife is real, devout worshiper or not. I want to feel like I'm doing what's best for me, and to me I think that's finding some sort of structure in my life that goes beyond bodily needs and societal pressures.
I mainly wrote this just to get my thoughts about that one experience out of my head. I'd love to hear if anyone else has had an experience like it; I'd love even more if there were other folks who've had similar difficulties starting a practice or maintaining a faith, any faith really. Hearing how you've worked through it or continue to make efforts towards faith despite barriers would be great.
[ I'm tagging only the non-hellenic paths that I personally follow in case others have had a similar experience, apologies for crossposting. ]