#ri;

[rvpoet]

@rvriko​

Daeil turned from his place in front of the stove of his apartment, leaning against the counter so he could look back at Risae. “You hungry? Or am I just crazy for inviting you over here just so I could cook?” he asked, making himself the butt of a joke he knew was bad. He had invited her over after they both were off work, and insisted on making dinner for Risae when she had asked if he had anything planned for the two of them that night. Besides cooking, Daeil honestly didn’t have anything specific in mind, as always he had just wanted to spend more time with her. Especially after she had kissed him, and since then all Daeil could think about how she might like him as much as she liked her, and also that he was an idiot for not having kissed her first. 

His fingers drummed against the counter absentmindedly, stopping for a moment to continue stirring the pan on the stove. As much as he hated how much more awkward he had since managed to make their conversations, Daeil had been tempted to just blurt out all the thought that had been swimming in his head since he and Risae had first started spending more and more time together, but still held his tongue. A small part of him was starting to hate himself for not doing anything about it since she had kissed him, and another small part of Daeil was currently yelling at him to just do it right now. 

[paradoxically]

It's actually so funny how hated I am by other parts, and how much I have always hated myself, because whenever I'm out & I can speak/act like myself without being held back, people are usually like "oh wow I love this side of you, it's awesome!!" Like...obviously people do like me on occasion, and I'm not universally hated, so I don't know why they try to make me believe I always do everything wrong. Maybe I can be blunt sometimes, but there are lots of people who appreciate that. It's not like I'm cruel. If other parts can like themselves, I don't know why I can't. There's a reason I used to be the "social part". Damnit, I am likable!!

[paradoxically]

I was finally a bit more transparent with my therapist about my trust issues. He asked what kind of help I'd need to trust that people are not always being malicious in some way—like, not everyone is trying to hurt me, manipulate me, trick me, play mind games, lie to me or twist the truth, gaslight me, etc.

So I said "I think I should just ask a part of me that knows how to do the trust thing". But he said he wonders if that's just a deflection, since that wouldn't really be this part of me learning how to do it if I'm just handing it off to another part who doesn't have the specialized training that my therapist does. lol.

Fair point, I guess?

[paradoxically]

Sometimes this website makes me so goddamn miserable.

I want to leave, but I know I won't.

[paradoxically]

I have a lot of negative thoughts and complaining that gets stuck in my head and wants to come out in some way. Except I'm always told I am way too negative/bitter/cynical, and I'm not sure how to give myself an outlet without talking about the stupid little things that piss me off. I used to journal, but then I got criticized because everyone was worried about me writing such pessimistic things all the time. My partner was concerned that I would look back someday and only remember the bad times. Which is...fair, I guess. So I tried to incorporate positivity into my journaling habits, but it became less of an outlet and more of a dreaded chore after that. I don't use the journal anymore. I can't just write stream of consciousness stuff. It sucks.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I force myself to not have those thoughts? I try to counter them by telling myself "well here's the positive side of this". But that's wrong too, because then my brain just turns into this Pros And Cons List Generator, which makes it 100x harder to make the tiniest decisions because I'm hyperaware of every consequence. So I try to distract myself. Oops, that's also wrong, because then I'm ignoring things or people, which is counterproductive.

What am I actually supposed to do to handle my negative thoughts, then? Everyone always has problems with the way that I deal with them, even if I find it therapeutic. And they don't give me helpful alternatives other than some empty meaningless shit like "just be positive". I just want my journal back the way it was.

[paradoxically]

I most likely have DID for a combination of reasons. But a very big reason is my autism, and the way my parents handled that.

I am still pretty angry at them for treating me like I should have been NT, especially since they are not NT themselves. And I'm angry about the kids that made my life a living hell at school.

But I'm also angry at the whole world, when I have no right to be. Who am I going to blame—every single person within earshot who makes completely normal sounds that happen to make my ears bleed? People driving the speed limit past my house? The friendly adults who were just trying to say hi? Or...should I be blaming all the noises and textures and commotion around me?

Nah. It's not their fault. I have nowhere to put all this rage.

[paradoxically]

I wish the others would stop saying that we don't have BPD.

They think it's fine because I have all the symptoms that don't overlap with autism or ADHD, so they're comfortable with saying things like "it's something different, no part of us has those other symptoms at all".

I exist, and so does my BPD. But as far as communication goes, lately I've been in a dead zone.