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Sideblog where I talk about my CPTSD, DID, autism, and ADHD. It's basically 90% shouting into the void about my life. Early 30s, they/them. I'd rather minors didn't follow.

[sartres-keyhole]

there's a special kind of horror in realizing you've developed some sort of PTSD from the psychiatric system, and the only treatments available are The Fucking Psychiatric System

[paradoxically]

and ******* would be so pleased with himself if he knew how torn up i am about it. i can hear his "i told you so"s from 1500 miles away. a reminder that my only form of escape is just escaping into a different nightmare. oh if only i could just switch off that part of my brain that recognizes it as a nightmare, then maybe id be mindlessly grateful for it.

[paradoxically]

visiting my mom and things were honestly fine until her and her boyfriend started arguing and he tried to get me involved. "oh my goddd your mom keeps doing this thing--" we arent friends man. you treated me like a straight up fucking hostile stranger when i came to live here years ago and eventually made me so uncomfortable i had to go back to the person i so desperately tried to escape, and now you want to goad me into trash talking my own mother?? goooo fuck yourself and i hope she leaves you lol

[tomorrowillbeyou]

you have to listen to loud music . it scares the evil creatures from your head

[paradoxically]

my mom has been in the hospital for a few days, and she is keeping me updated on every little bit of suffering she experiences. every detail of her meltdowns and pain and discomfort.

not that i dont want to know what's going on, of course i want to know. it's not like i can be there physically. and i know she gets really overwhelmed and stressed out in hospitals. and they probably don't have great bedside manner.

but it's taking a huge mental toll on me. i'm already worried sick and now i have to wonder if she's actually being dramatic and taking out her fear on them (and me), or they are truly the most evil, negligent hospital staff imaginable.

id love to take her side because ive been the subject of medical neglect more times than i can count, but....i saw how she was last time. she acted like a child. i dont mean that as an insult, i mean she was acting exactly like a literal child. screaming and crying whenever she couldn't immediately make something happen. yelling at random nurses because she was scared and wanted to go home.

and i can't judge or blame her for any of it. when i'm in hospitals i feel just as panicked and scared, even if i keep quiet about it. it's mostly just heartbreaking to see/hear her go through these things.

and she's speaking to me like i'm a living diary. nothing ever changes. 😮‍💨

[gothextramiles]

Amnesia is weird because you think it will be dramatic and distressing every time you experience it but for the most part you don't know what you don't know. And when you do realize you're experiencing it, it's a lot like walking into a room and not knowing why you're there or searching for a word on the tip of your tongue. I have had a lot of distressing dissociative amnesia from DID but honestly sometimes I still get surprised that it's a symptom I experience (partly because the experienced gets taken away by the amnesia but even more so) because it's so mundane. It's just normal if you don't realize it shouldn't be happening. Especially because DID tends to start/form so young, you never really learn how a brain would work any differently. So amnesia seems normal. And it feels so simple and mundane. Sure I forgot what I was saying in the middle of the sentence for the millionth time. That's just how sentences work. Of course I've got multiple day holes in my memory of the last week, that's how memory works. And yet it is a symptom and it does affect my life even if it seems normal.

[paradoxically]

I keep trying to figure out how this happened so I dont accidentally undo it. Is it because of the meds I stopped taking? Have I simply been out of the biohazardous house long enough to recover from the damage it did to my health? Did those antibiotics actually eliminate some kind of unknown infection that was making me sick? Did my body just decide "enough of this shit"?

[paradoxically]

I dont want to jinx it. But.

Ive definitely been feeling better lately, for the past few months. The difference between last february and this one is pretty big.

I can take hot showers again. Even hot baths. Without gasping for air and almost falling over and blacking out.

I can do chores more regularly. I did all the dishes two days in a row and my back didnt hurt so bad I ended up in tears. I was a little sore, a little overstimulated, but....fine.

This is a huge improvement. I mean, I dont want to get too excited (even though, make no mistake, I have been very excited). I still have chronic pain and fatigue and migraines. But....it's almost manageable.

I dont know why this is happening, but Please let this stick. I need the ability to work back. so fucking bad.

[paradoxically]

the ruminating is going to destroy meee

[paradoxically]

i do not like having a sixth sense for recognizing when children are being sexually abused at home, or recognizing parents who are sexually abusing their children

i can see it in so many tiny tiny details but i cant do anything about it. you cant call cps and tell them "i saw an instagram photo of an old friend from middle school and her new husband and baby and the vibes were seriously off, please investigate". you cant just throw around baseless accusations like that

i tell myself maybe im wrong, but i have been proven right so many times it makes me physically ill to think about

a friend of a friend's girlfriend is pregnant and i am sick worrying about it because these people should not be having children, they make me want to tear my skin off because i know. i just know. i cant say why and maybe im wrong and god i hope im wrong and simply paranoid, but im so nauseous right now

[papayajuan2019]

i could add a few more stages to grief if they let me

[paradoxically]

seriously considering whether i should move back in with my mom (and her boyfriend) (again) once they move out of their current ultra-conservative state.

she keeps saying she wants to find a house with a separate living space for me. i said id look for a job before getting there this time. both of these things would significantly decrease stressors that led to me leaving the last time we tried it.

im not fully decided. they might not move for a long time, maybe years. all i know is this shit sucks. im turning 32 this year and i feel like im running out of time to fix my life. im dreaming of escape. dreaming of a life where i dont live with my ex-partner and his new partner for the rest of my life like an unwanted pet with anger issues. sue me ig.

[paradoxically]

saw something online that upset me (i know. shocking) and led to a negative thought spiral on being one of those bad/problematic trans people that couldnt go through w transitioning. tired of fighting off the negativity. just letting myself vent.

cant talk to most cis people about this because theyll be either accidentally or on-purpose transphobic. cant bring it up in trans communities unless i want to be accused of being a Detransitioner(tm) or letting the fascists win or betraying the community.

yeah. idk. maybe posting over here on my DID blog because it makes more sense in the context of having insurmountable trauma and a fractured identity.

but maybe i'm just a whiny little coward no matter what.

survival instincts are increasingly freaked out. im starting to genuinely consider asking people to just use my legal name again. forget i ever went by anything else. its easier to convince myself i want it that way.

maybe i even regret exploring how ifeel about gender. maybe i could have had a more stable life, if only id just. not. maybe i wouldnt have been happy, but im sure as fuck not happy now. i dont think it really led to any happiness increase at all. it didnt even alleviate any dysphoria, if anything it made dysphoria worse because i became so hyperaware of how my body was changing or staying the same and how id be perceived for it.

its just fucked up my life and made me more afraid and almost got me murdered plus a fucked up neck and two extra concussions and really bad mono i dont think i fully recovered from and a completely incinerated relationship and social life. it didnt help lead me to more worthwhile friends irl, i didnt have a magical Found Family experience or feel at peace with who i am or even date anyone that didnt literally try to kill me.

so. i wish id never done it. i dont even know why i wanted to anymore. trauma twists everything. i feel like i ruined my own life (tbf there are lots of other things i did to ruin my life before that) because i ignored how things actually are in society in favor of how they should be. maybe its fairer to say transphobia ruined my life, not transitioning itself. but from where im standing it doesnt make much of a difference. one decision led to bad things happening. thats all i know. trying to be true to myself has never not disappointed me.

this is what they wanted. i dont want to give them that. but i dont want to almost die again like that. i dont want to live my life being this level of afraid. i had enough problems to begin with and attempting to transition solved none of them. only introduced new ones.

why is there SO MUCH wrong with me, but no solutions to make existing less painful. others can say transitioning saved their life, it led them to their spouse and best friends, it made their life worth living. and i get isolation and scorn and seemingly endless punishment for trying ANYTHING to improve my life.

what am i supposed to do. other than survive. what do i do. i feel like i am running out of options. life is only getting harder while i get weaker.

[paradoxically]

im starting to see a lot of parallels with how i feel now and all my issues as an adult & what my first month of being alive was like.

ofc i dont remember. being a newborn infant and all. but it is a little funny, how i say i feel like i'm trapped in a box screaming to get out, behind a wall of glass, and no one can hear/understand me and I cant seem to connect with anyone - and well guess what i lived in for weeks after being born 6 weeks premature and having major invasive as fuck surgery. never being touched except for medical reasons. never being held. stuck inside inside of one of those little clear box things with all these tubes and stuff.

also have always been terrified of medical offices, doctors. surgery. enough to physically fight off multiple nurses trying to give me shots. its pretty fucked up, isnt it, from a childs perspective. being forcibly held down/restrained by a bunch of big adults trying to stab you with a needle for reasons you dont really comprehend yet. you couldnt trick me or distract me - i knew what they were trying to do and i wasnt going to let it happen.

now compared to that, im the perfect patient when getting shots or having blood drawn. i dont even hold my breath and turn weird colors anymore when approached with a needle. however....there have been too many no-show appointments. too many problems i ignore out of a deep primal fear that I cant make myself ignore or overcome.

kind of interesting though. how do i recover from my first moments of LIFE being WRONG? from the very beginning? how did so many people experience the same thing and turn out normal, when i didn't?

maybe it was everything else that came after that made me this way. but maybe i never stopped feeling like a terrified, trapped, fragile little creature that no one wants to hold. idk.

[shockpine]

[paradoxically]

i feel so reactive and fragile lately. every little thing makes me cry.

i mean it's february now, 18th anniversary of a big thing that caused a chain of traumatic events, so im used to the main themes that always come up - housing and food insecurity. feeling neglected and used. losing all remaining sense of stability and trust in the people who were supposed to take care of me. the thing that broke inside me and now i can't connect to people anymore.

if this particular bundle of trauma was a person, they'd be legally an adult now, which is weird. in all that time, which has felt like genuinely nothing to me, a child could have been born and grow up and start college. same age as two of my cousins who i still think of as babies until i remember 2008 was a long time ago. theyve experienced their entire childhood while im still processing what I lost.

ive spent over half my life being frozen because of this and im so tired of not knowing how to move past it all. wish itd just let me live my life after all this time. feeling my feelings doesn't make it go away and neither does ignoring it or talking about it. it will probably never let me go as long as i don't feel safe.

[thememedaddy]