#rich mcguff

[kfam-archives]

Episode 22: Somewhere Under the Rainbow

Summary: The Rainbow Lights’ continued presence has King Falls on edge and the action heats up at Lake Hatchenhaw over what Herschel and Cecil reeled in two weeks ago.

Characters:

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

HFB III

Ron Begley

Troy Krieghauser

Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum

Mayor Grisham

Archie Simmons

Tim Jensen

Plot Tags:

Rainbow Lights

Vampires

Transmorgrifier

FBI

Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe

Lake Hatchenhaw

Zombies

Mayoral Race

Rich McGuff

[kingfallshistoricallibrary-blog]

Episode Fourteen: Date Night at the Library

[podcast music]

P: Well that’s why you’re a damn fool, Sammy.

S: Pete, I thought you weren’t listening to King Falls AM ever again?

P: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you. Nobody keeping you on the straight and narrow, you roughed up rascal. I’ve got just the mind to stop.

S: Of course you do, Pete.

P: Don’t push me, ‘cause I’m close to the eeeeeedge.

S: Okay, you know what, the hotline is ringing, Pete, I gotta let you go buddy.

P: Say what? I’m done? Are you kidding me? I’m f***ing destroying your Yelp page, alright? I got homies on Yahoo Answers that are gonna hear about this, it’s gonna go straight down the grapevine, and you’re going-*hang up noise*

S: Hey Ben?

B: Hey Sammy! This is weird, huh?

S: For those of you just joining us, local King Falls apparition expert and our beloved co host Ben Arnold-

B: Oh, stop.

S: -is not in the station with me this evening, but is actually conducting an on site interview-

B: And investigation, don’t forget that part, Sammy.

S: -and investigation, with Dan and Larry of the TV show Mission Apparition, down at the King Falls Public Library. Y’know, Ben, of all the weird kooky places that are…’haunted’, why did you pick-

B: Dude, they just pulled in with their fancy van right before I called? *laughing* I think they're bringing out the  goofy goggles and some proton packs. Who you gonna call?

Emily: *In the background* Ghostbusters!

S: Oh. Emily Potter. Y'know, I didn’t expect you here.

B: Duh! How else was I gonna get in the library for this? I don’t think old Mrs. Kilpatrick was gonna come let us in. Jeez.

S: I was being sarcastic, Ben. Maybe you didn’t notice because you were blinded by lo-

B: Don’t.

S: So you've been at the library all evening long with Emily, while I’ve been here scrambling by myself in studio?

B: You know I had to set up for the interview. There’s a lot of work that goes into this. Y’know how hard it is to set up a remote? *scoffing laughter* This has not been all horseplay.

S: Just some horseplay.

B: Not a lick, I mean, none. Y’know how serious I am about prep.

S: You’re right.

E: Hi Sammy.

S: Hi Emily.

E: Did you tell him that joke you told me Benny? Tell it to Sammy.

B: I stand by my previous statement.

S: Of course you do.

*knocking in the background*

B: Oh! They’re here! *humming the ghostbusters theme*

E: I’ll go let them in.

B: *still humming* Ghostbusters!

*door opening and closing*

S, with Ben still humming in the background: Folks, maybe you're thinking my esteemed colleague has just been down at the closed library with the girl he lov-

B: Sammy! Can we just do this later?

S: Only if you tell me that joke, Ben.

B: Huh. Uh huh. Hey! I’m Ben, with King Falls AM, thanks for coming.

Larry: What up, Ben. I’m Larry, and this is my partner Dan, and together we are-

Larry and Dan together: Mission Apparition!

B: That. Is, a very synchronized introduction, guys.

Dan: Thanks, Ben. Sooooo...this is the King Falls Public Library, huh? Very nice.

L: Creepy, man!

E: Hi, I’m Emily Potter. I’m the head librarian here. Thank you so much for coming to check the place out! It’s...been a trying few months, with the uh, the spirits we have here at odds with one another.

D: Not a problem at all. Anything to ease the minds of the dearly departed.

B: Jeez. Us! Jesus. You guys should do a Jerusalem episode.

D: Y’know, the ratings said yes, but then homeland security actually said no. You can thank Larry and a funky batch of Ayahuasca for that.

L: Maybe in 3-5.

S: As Ben said, thank you guys so much for joining us live here on King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. It’s a pleasure to have you on tonight.

D: *clearing throat* Uh, is this Sammy Stevens?

S: That it is. Y’know we-

D: Y’know I notice that you aren't here live after your big email writing skills, Sammy. You afraid of what we’ll find tonight? Or of looking Mission Apparition in the eyes after your disparaging remarks?

S: *clears throat* Okay, you know that, actually wasn’t-

B: *very deliberately clearing his throat*

S: Yes. Let’s go with that, either one of them.

B: Thanksm Sammy.

L: I’ve got the gear Dan. Where, where do we start?

B: Oh we can head over to the-

D: Listen to the lovely Miss Emily, we are indeed guests in your den of enlightenment.

B: *sighing*

E: Ben has an interview area set up, right over here. Maybe we should start there first, Ben?

B: That’d be-

D: That’d be terrific, Emily. After you.

B: *scoffing* Did you guys find us alright? Tonight?

L: Man, you wouldn’t believe it. We got awful lost coming up the mountain, I mean, turned around for something stupid like twenty? Twenty five minutes?

D: That’s right, GPS right? I mean, sometimes you can’t trust technology to steer you straight. You just have to navigate, with your heart. Isn’t that right, Emily?

B: But maybe if you steer with your heart too much, it will lead you to that weird shaman from Temple of Doom and you lose your heart.

S: What Ben was trying to say was, uh Sweetzer Forest, that’s where you guys were, right?

L: Hell yeah it was.

B: Maybe if you did your homework, you’d know it’s another one of those spirits here in King Falls. General Abilene, back in-

D: Oh, that makes sense. He leads travelers away from the bloodiest massacre in King Falls history.

E: That's right, Dan. You really studied up.

B: Yeah. Dan. Good job. Really. So good.

S: You know what, everybody, just to keep us on schedule, I think we’re gonna take a real quick break, you guys can get settled in, and after the break then we’ll take some calls.

L: Looking forward to it bros! And, and broette.

S: Ladies and gents, we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor.

Rich McGuff: Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books isn’t your normal neighborhood bookstore. Think of it more as rustic but magical menagerie of information. Sweet, succulent, knowledge. Knowledge that can only be found in a first edition leather bound book. I know what you’re thinking, there’s second edition books. Third edition books. Hell, there’s even fourth edition books. But come on, at that point you’re basically reading hieroglyphics, etched into petrified road apples. First edition leather bound books are where it’s at. There’s nothing better in the world than feeling the leather luxury, the spine of a first edition book, can provide in your silky soft hands. And there’s no better place to find the book you need, dare I say desire? Than Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books. From Dr. Seuss to Dr. Love, we’ve got you covered. Pun intended. Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books, because you f***ing deserve it.

[KFAM music]

S: You're back with Sammy and Ben, and we’ve got a special treat for you tonight. Our very own Ben Arnold is with Emily Potter at the King Falls Public Library, interviewing Dan and Larry, from the astoundingly popular hit tv show, Mission Apparition.

D: Sunday nights at 8, on spook tv, channel 13.

S: Dan. Larry. Now, you gentlemen have one of the top TV programs in the nation, and I venture to say that you’ve seen probably about everything one could imagine. What would you say is the craziest thing you’ve seen?

L: Ooh, Sammy, this one time, up in Cougarneck-

D: You know, we….don’t ever say that things are crazy in our line of work, Sammy. We’re dealing with souls that don’t know where they are, or why they’re here. Astral projections trapped in a physical world. Lost. scared. Crazy is not part of the equation.

B: So on your show,

Dan and Larry: Mission Apparition.

B: Right! Uh, well the show oddly gets massive ratings, there are uh a lot of detractors, critics, and viewers saying there isn’t really any science behind your work, and that basically you guys are just, well, uh, shysters.

D: Oh, yeah, right, shysters, like old Sammy up in the studio. Right?

S: Y’know, I didn’t really write-

B: Sammy. Let the guest answer. Please.

L: The show speaks for itself, y’know Ben? Dan and I, share a love for the paranormal world and, we just wanna know the how and the why of these lost souls and do what we can to get them back to where they belong.

D: Larry. You eloquent son of a b****. I just teared a little in my tear hole.

E: Aww. I love that you two take your job so seriously.

B: *frustrated noise*

S: Would you guys be cool with taking some phone calls?

D: We would absolutely love speaking with our fans. Bring it on, Benedict Samuel.

B: Sorry, Sammy.

S: Uh huh.

B: Give us a call here, folks, and speak with world renown paranormal experts *laughing* sorry, Dan and Larry, from Mission Apparition. 424-279-3858

S: Or you can tweet us @kingfallsam and we’ll pass on your questions and comments.

D: What’s that perfume you’re wearing, Emily? It exquisite.

E: Oh, do you like it, it’s Clinique-

B: Expensive! Someone who must really care for her must have gotten that for her birthday, after she said “hey, that’s too much for a bottle of perfume, Ben”, but then they did it anyway, because she means that much and more to them.

D: It’s nice.

B: Yeah! Oh, it’s nice!

S: Okay. So, the phone lines are lighting up, let's give lucky line one a try, good evening, you’re on with Mission Apparition.

Doyle: Oh yeah, baby, I’m just loving the show boys. All them spooks.

Multiple: Apparitions.

S: And who’re we speaking with?

DB: This is Doyle, Doyle Bevins. How you doing Sammy?

S: Real well, Doyle.

DB: How y’all doing this evening, Mission Apparition ?

D: Doing just fine, sir. Do you have a question for us?

DB: You better believe it. So I live up the street, in old Hollybrook.

L: We aren’t from here, so I’m not exactly sure where Hollybrook-

Db: Hey. Hey. hey. Can I finish Larry? Can I finish?

S: Lets stay on topic, Doyle. So do you have a question for the team?

DB: Ten four, Shotgun. So I got this apartment up the ways, right?

D: We’re following, Doyle

DB: Well sometimes, late at night, I get this real hungry feeling all rumbling around in my tummy, even though I already ate, right? So I go preheat my little toaster oven-

B: Doyle. Come on, man.

DB: And whoopadopa! That thing’ll snap right shut up on me, just a growling like grrrrmrmmmrrrr and it won’t open up for the life of me. Just got my hot pocket stuck in there like it’s in the toast oven purgatory, fellas.

S: Is it the crazies-

DB: Craziest thing you ever saw, boys.

B: Can we take another caller Sammy?

D: Excuse me, it was Doyle, correct?

DB: You got it, bossman.

D: Are you saying that your toaster is experiencing a haunting?

DB: Don’t you know it.

D: Y’know, Doyle, it it’s not uncommon in our line of work to see this. When you look at the toaster oven, how does that make you feel?

DB: It just makes me sad, bro. Trapping up like that. I just wanna work with it, make some goodies. Teamwork, universal harmony, bros.

D: Next time one of these late night experiences happen, look at it. I mean, I mean really look at the toaster and say these simple words. “I forgive you. You can go home”

DB: That is heartbreaking Danny boy.

D: I believe you’re gonna see a world of difference.

*hang up noise*

S: Thanks for the call, Doyle.

B: Maybe if anyone has any other, um, I don’t know, real things? That happen with spirits, give us a call.

D: Don’t downplay Ben, you can’t be too careful. You should be thankful it’s not your toaster that we’re talking about.

S: Line four, you’re on King Falls AM.

Troy, unenthusiastically: Hey Sammy. Ben. Emily. Dan. Larry.

S: Hey Troy, how ya holding up, buddy?

T: I’m okay. Just wanted to call in and tell Dan and Larry I’m a big fan.

B: You off duty, Troy?

T: Yeah, Ben, I’m off duty.

B: I was asking because, I’m worried about what the mayor said, not, to rub your nose in it, man.

T: I’m sorry Ben, I’m just touchy like my great uncle Herb.

S: We’re really sorry about the mess we’ve put you in, Troy.

T: Shucks, it ain’t nothing on you fellas. I just need to be more responsible with my time while I’m an officer of the law. Says Sheriff Gunderson and newly introduced municipal code 4.02.051.

S: You know what, we’ll talk real soon, Troy. We do have Dan and Larry here, if you’d like to-

T: Just a big fan of you, boys. Mission Apparition is can’t miss in the Kriegshauser household.

D: And we appreciate it, deputy.

L: Yeah man, thanks for watching the show.

T: Keep on doing good work, guys. Sammy. Ben. I’ll talk at you soon.

B: Bye Troy.

T: Bye, Ben.

*hang up noise*

S: Thanks for the call, Troy. Take care. Line ten, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Greg: Hey Sammy, it’s Greg Frickard.

S: Hey Greg, nice hearing from you. Are you a big fan of Dan and Larry’s show?

G: Yeah...not really, no. Granny doesn’t like the jump scares at her age, so I don’t get a lot of time to watch the old boob tube to myself. I was actually calling to see if I could speak to Emily? If that’s okay?

B: We, we, uhh, we’ve got a bad connection, Sammy, you’re, you’re, you’re breaking up, I can’t hardly-

E: I’m here! How’re you doing, Greg?

B: Are you serious, Greg?

G: Well, heyyyy, hi Emily, I’m a big fan of your work.

D: Um, sir? Are you talking to Emily, or are you talking to Mission Apparition?

G: I’m speaking to Miss Potter, slimer. Do you mind?

B: Can he please stay on topic, or go to another call, Sammy?

E: Ben...it’s alright. Did you say you were a big fan?

G: Oh yeah! I really think you’re doing some amazing things. *stammering* Down at the library. Uh, the reference sections reshelving? Really kind of makes the back area of the second floor pop.

E: You think so? I didn’t think anybody noticed.

G: Oh. I noticed. It’s really nice. You’ve got a great eye.

S: Greg. We appreciate you calling in, but the Mission Apparition guys are about to do a little investigation down at the library themselves.

B: And not the ‘hiding behind the Encyclopedia Britannica’ kind, Greg.

G: Oh, sure thing Sammy. Can you just give me one second?

B: Lets cut it off, Sam?

S: Umm...sure.

E: What’s on your mind, Greg?

G: Emily. I’ve been studying you from afar for, well, longer than I’d like to admit.

E: Oh. Okay. Thank you?

B: *clearing his throat?*

G: And I know you’re pretty good friends with Ben there, but, I’ll be honest, I’d really like the chance to court you myself. Ben said you two were only pals…

E: You know, Greg, you sound like a really nice guy, and I’ve actually been down to Granny Frickards-

G: Oh, man, that’s, wow, I’m happy to hear that. And I am a nice guy!

D: Guys, I am, I’m so sorry to break up the love fest that’s happening here, *Ben choking in the background* is Ben okay?

G: Look, I’m just putting it all out there, Emily. And I don’t need an answer now, but I just think you’re the most beautiful thing in all of King Falls. And I would regret it for all of my days, if I didn’t do my darndest to tell you how I feel.

E: Oh...wow...uh, I, that’s...really sweet, Greg. I think maybe that’s something we can- *crashing, Emily gasping*

L: It’s got him! Holy s***! *Ben choking* It’s got him!

E: *gasp* Oh my god! Ben!

S: What’s going on? Is everything okay, guys? Ben?

g: You tell me, Sammy, sheesh. A man staples his heart to his to his sleeve-

B: Oh god!

G: -and all I hear about is-

S: Greg, we’re gonna have to talk to you later. We’ve got a situation, it seems.

G: I love you Emily!

*hang up noise*

E: Somebody do something! Hang on, Ben!

B: *struggling in the background*

S: Guys, what is going on?

E: Put him down! Right now! I mean it!

D: Yes! Do what she says, you magnificent ethereal being!

L: Sammy, it’s Larry, you gotta call your deputy buddy, it’s getting crazy here! The phantasm, it’s choking Ben!

S: Okay, I’m sorry, what was that again? I thought you said-

L: Some sort of see through figure is choking the hell out of your buddy Ben. Then he picked him up, ten feet in the air, and I can’t watch, it’s too much!

D: You put that man down there this instant, John Wilkes Booth!

S: Okay, did somebody just say John Wilkes Booth?

B: *still choking and struggling in the background* You….racist!

L: He’s, he’s gonna, he’s throwing Ben!

E: Sammy, please call Deputy Troy!

*rushing wind*

L: He got loose, Ben got loose!

B, out of breath: What the f*** is going on here!

S: Ben! Are you okay? What-

B: Larry, get the doors open, we’ve gotta get out of here.

E: Ben? I was so scared, are you okay?

B: I, I’m okay, we’ve gotta get out of the library, s*** is hitting the fan, Sammy, I was pacing back away from the group and that mustachioed son of a b**** grabbed me

S: Ben, please be careful, I just texted Troy, I think he’s heading up there right now. You don’t have to stay on the air, get out of there.

D: Four scores and a five dollar bill, that’s Abraham Lincoln.

S: What?!

L: President A. Lincoln has got a big ass gun, we’ve gotta go, Dan.

B: Emily, stay down. President Lincoln has a ghost gatling gun, man. I think he’s about to blow Boothe to hell and back.

D: Oh s***, yeah, that’s a gatling gun

L: The door’s open, Dan. You gotta get the hell away from there. Move your ass, let's scoot!

D: Larry, Larry, get back here right now! We gotta film this, Larry, grab the camera!

B: Emily, let’s go, Sammy we’ve gotta split, I don’t know how ghost bullets work, but I don’t wanna stick around to find out.

S: Get out of there, Ben, be careful.

D: No no no wait, don’t shoot Mr. President, camera isn’t on yet! Mr. President, we’re on the same page here, this guy shot you, in a theater, you should be angry, you should be furious, this gatling gun should be going when we hit the rolls, you should be going, on the mark, on your mark, no no nonono! Pull back, pull back Mr. President, we aren’t rolling yet, we aren’t rolling, NOOOO!

Abraham Lincoln: John Wilkes Booth, four score and a cap in your ass! *sounds of gunfire*

[kfam-archives]

Episode 20: Referencing Aladdin Don’t Make it Right

Summary: Sammy and Ben get a quick update on the little ones off Route 72 and learn live on-air that not everyone had a great evening the night of the Valentine’s Day Dance.

Characters:

Sammy Stevens

Troy Krieghauser

Ben Arnold

Pete Meyers

HFB III

Ernie Salsados

Greg Frickard

Emily Potter

Plot Tags:

Werewolves

Transmorgrifier

Electrolocaust

Rich McGuff

Bemily

[kfam-archives]

Episode 18: Make King Falls Great Again

Summary: Come join Sammy, Ben, Mayor Grisham, and the entire King Falls community down at the Main Street Park to celebrate winning the Best Small Town in America prize for the 7th straight year!

Characters:

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

Pete Meyers

Dusty Reynolds

Emily Potter

Ernie Salsados

Mayor Grisham

Plot Tags:

Best Small Town

Vampires

HFB3

Rich McGuff

Granny Frickard’s Froggery

Bemily

[kfam-archives]

Episode 14: Date Night at the Library

Summary: Sammy and Ben welcome Dan and Larry from television’s Mission: Apparition to King Falls with an exclusive interview and investigation from the King Falls Library.

Characters:

Pete Meyers

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

Emily Potter

Dan

Larry

Rich McGuff

Doyle Bevins

Troy Krieghauser

Greg Frickard

Plot Tags:

Apparitions

Mission Apparition

King Falls Public Library

General Abilene

Bemily

[lovelyladylavie]

King Falls AM AU where Jacob Williams died in "Smokey and the Banshee"

Jacob and the Ghost of Rich McGuff careen around town stealing cars as a pair of prankster hooligan apparitions.

Pearl joins up with Mission Apparition and has an on again/off again relationship with Dan AND Larry. Then both of them together bc we all know she a ~freak~. Then dumps both of them once they find Jacob and Rich. Gets back with Jacob for five minutes. Dumps him for Rich.

[smol-bean-dragon-hoard]