#ridgphos

[opens-up-4-nobody]

I remember when there was a lot of this going around.

[ask-ridgephos]

*casually walks up to Xephos* Hi :3 *hugs*. *Skips over to Ridge* Hi :3 *hugs*. *Skips away happily* Byeeeee~

…Well that certainly happened. Darling, did that little one have… rabbit ears? Or am I seeing things? How are all of these people finding our house, Ridge? And for that matter, who taught them it was okay to hug people they don’t know? And since when does Minecraftia have rabbit people? I’m not sure how they’re finding the house but I may have to make the fence more secure. I suppose they can see how nice we are? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a rabbit person before. We may have to investigate this, darling. Seems a bit strange that we’d have such strange visitors like that all of a sudden.

It’s not that seeing a smiling face every once in a while isn’t great it’s just not safe. What if one of those smiling faces came with a chainsaw? That’s true… Maybe we should consider creating a defense system for around the perimeter? We’ll have to make sure Mault and Creek don’t decide to help. I’d prefer them not getting hurt, but knowing them they’ll want to help in some way. Why, Ridge? Why? Why must you get Mault and Creek involved in everything? And how could you possibly know they would want to help? Lot of help they’d be, two creepers who won’t explode. I like getting them involved! Makes them feel like part of the family! Plus they get involved anyway. You know how they are. They could scare intruders at least, you know how they like to pop out from random places and all.

Do I ever. And besides, they aren’t part of the family. They’re pets who are too creepily kind for their own good. That makes them part of the family in my book! Besides, they care about you and your well being a lot Xephos! Don’t you remember when they brought you apples to try and make you feel better that one time? While I admit that may have been kind of them, they are still weird. I know they are, darling. You’ll get used to them, maybe one day you’ll even grow to like them as much as I do! It’s not that I won’t try for you, Ridgey, it’s just that I wholeheartedly do not see me liking Mault and Creek on the horizon…or ever. Well, I’ll settle for tolerating them near the house for now. I do appreciate how much you try for me, Darling. Mm~ I’m glad. It’s only because I love you.

And I love you, very much in return. Really? How much~? How much? Oh darling, I’ll be counting the ways endlessly if you let me. How about instead I show you how much I love you. Show me? And what might that entail? Oh, a little of this… and a little of that. How about we go upstairs and I’ll give you a little taste now~? Perhaps I don’t want a little taste, hm~? Perhaps I want a whole slice. Oho~ Well… if you want the whole taste then… why don’t I just take care of that now. Come here, Darling. Let me carry you upstairs~ Ridge you don’t have to- Ridge! Ah, be careful! One of these days you’re going to drop me trying to be my knight in shining armour~

I’d never drop you, Darling! Even if something like that did occur you’d always have something soft to land on. That’s all good and well-Oh! Ridge, watch the door frames! I would like to be conscious for this if you don’t mind~ Oop! Sorry, Darling! I would like you to be conscious too! Here, let me just- there now you won’t get your head hit. Though carrying you like this is a lot more fun for me~ I get to give you little kisses as we go~ Hm~ well hurry up so you can kiss me all over~ Of course, Darling~! As quick as I can~

[ask-ridgephos]

What have you to got/plan to get each other on your anniversaries?

The thing is, reader, I don’t let Ridge get me anything for our anniversary anymore. He tends to go a bit…overboard. Me? Overboard? I don’t go that overboard, darling. Oh, really? Then what do you call giving your significant other an entire floating island filled with hot springs, Ridge? When I learned this language, I am fairly certain that was the definition I was given for “overboard”. I call that a practical gift. Never know when you might want to get away from everyone and relax! I am not that bad. You deserve only the best presents!

Not that great? Excuse me, darling but you’re one of the greatest things in my life! You know I would never be disappointed with your gifts. I still wear and love that shirt you got me. You know the one. Shirt? It was a sweater, Ridge, a sweater and you never wear it. And I’m only one of the greatest things? I wear it! You’re just never around to see me in it! Well, yes! I have Mault and Creek to count too, you know. You are however top of that list. Suuuure you wear it.

I better dominate that list, mister, or I will just have to withhold a few things from you. I do! I’ll take a picture the next time. Withhold things? What sort of things would you withhold? Your favorite thing in the world besides sugar, Ridge. My ass. Oh notch! Withholding your ass! That is the worst punishment, I’ll behave. I promise, darling~ You would think a promise from a demigod would matter more to me but knowing you, I doubt you will~ Don’t doubt me that much! I can give it a try! I know I can be good if I tried~ Hmn~ Ridgey, if you would be a good boy and get your collar while I turn this off, perhaps I can test your behavior~ Oh~! I’ll be a very good boy and do that, Darling. I can’t wait to see how you test me. Though, you may have to wrangle me a bit first… Ooh, well I do enjoy a challenge~! Let me just turn this off and we can get started…

[ask-ridgephos]

13 year old girl walks up to Xephos and tugs at his jacket. "Keep me!" She says smiling at Ridge

I-oh-um…Ridge! There seems to be a-erm, child? Attached to my arm? H-help? There does seem to be a child attached to you. Where did she come from? Did she just appear out of thin air? Can we keep her? I suppose she did…and absolutely no, we cannot keep her! Look at us, talking like she isn’t here. Go back where you came from, sweetheart. Go on, shoo!

Why can’t we keep her? There is such a thing as finders keepers. She’s not moving, Darling. I think she likes you. Finders keepers? You can’t apply finders keepers to a human being, Ridge! She’s probably got parents somewhere who are worried sick! How would you feel if your daughter ran off and started living with two strange men, hm? Well if one of them was as good looking as you, darling I think I would be fine with it! Okay, okay! Don’t give me that look, I’m just kidding! How about I fly around and see if I can find her parents? They’re probably not too far from here. I’m glad you see reason, but what am I supposed to do with her attached to me while you go off? I don’t know if I’m that great with children. Well… do what people do with children. Talk to her, play a game with her. I think you’ll do fine with her, darling. You’re pretty good taking care of Lalna and Honeydew. They’re both pretty much giant children themselves.

Well, yes, but in the end, they have to answer for themselves! If something were to happen, it would be my fault and I don’t think I could…just…just take her with you. I’ve got work to do. Alright, darling. If you’re sure. Here come with me, princess. Don’t worry! We’ll find your parents. I’ll be back in no time, Darling! Yeah, alright. Don’t get yourself killed. I promise not to, darling. Make sure you don’t overwork yourself before I get back! We still need to go get ice cream! We won’t be getting anything of the sort if you don’t find that child’s parents before you come back. Get going! Alright, alright! I’m off! I’ll be back soon!

[ask-ridgephos]

What do you guys do in a specific room meant for sleeping?

… Well reader, it’s something called a little bump and grind if you catch my drift. Ridge! What? It’s true. Ugh. You are impossible! Don’t call it that! What we do in our room is none of their business! Darling, most of them are old enough to understand what goes on behind that door… Not all of them obviously! Us getting this kind of question only proves that! You are a terrible influence on them!

Me? A terrible influence? I don’t think so. Readers? Am I a bad influence on you? Come now… speak up! Ridge! They’re not going to give you an unbiased answer! You’ve already ruined their innocence, you don’t need to share so many personal details! Oh, you mean like the exact length of your- Ridge!! Don’t you dare even utter those words. You will regret it! What? I was only going to say the length of your fingers darling… they’re very long, and can reach all the right places~ R-Ridge!! My, darling! You’re cheeks are so red! You look like a walking rose! There’s no need to be embarrassed. Your finger work is divine~

R-Ridge! I- You- Stop it!! They do NOT need to hear that! Oh come now, darling! They’re curious, and besides it wouldn’t hurt to give them a tal- No! You will not be giving anyone a talk of any kind! I refuse to let you soil their innocent ears with anymore of this talk! You are so sure they’re so innocent! I bet you’d be surprised that some of them aren’t so much. That doesn’t matter, Ridge! Some of them aren’t old enough to even CONSIDER these things yet! You go on and on as you do and they-! R-Ridge! Hands to yourself!!

I can’t help it, darling! You’re rather irresistible when you have that expression on your features. No. You haven’t behaved today. There will be none of that! But, Darling- Don’t you ‘but, darling’ me! You have to behave like a… like a good boy before I give you any sort of reward… do you understand? My naughty, Ridge? Hmmnh… I do, Darling. I do. Good. Now why don’t you prove to me you’re a good boy… away from the readers, hmm? Y-Yes, darling. O-of course…Nnnhm~

[ask-ridgephos]

hey Xeph, how did your conversation with Toby go the other day? Is he alright?

It went just fine, reader. Toby is alright. He’s just figuring out his feelings towards a certain someone is all. In other words, Toby finally understands why he feels butterflies whenever Martyn is around. Ridge, you promised me you wouldn’t make fun of him! I’m not making fun of him! I think it’s rather adorable how he’s reacting. Took him long enough to realize, didn’t it? Well, not everyone is as confident or as sure in their feelings as you are, Ridge. Toby is going through what normal humans go through.

I know, darling. You have to admit it took him a little longer than average… Well not everyone is going to understand what their hearts already know, Ridge. It isn’t fair to tease Toby over this. If I find out you even uttered a single joke at him I’ll- And you said you wouldn’t be a good parent. Look at how protective you’re being of little Toby~! I won’t do anything like that, darling! Cross my heart and tie it in barbs. I am not being a parental unit! I’m just helping Toby with advice and keeping you from teasing him. You had better not. Or else your heart won’t be the only thing tangled in barbs. Darling! So vicious! I rather like it… Keep that hand to yourself, Ridge. There is time for that later. Darling… What could you be so busy with that we can’t do a little something now, hmm?

I have to go chat with Toby as well as get us something for dinner tonight. I do believe you have a few things to get done as well, Ridge? Ahh, oh yes… I have a couple of things but they can wait- No, you need to get to them. Besides, if you get them done before dinner is done then maybe we’ll do that one thing you’ve been wanting to do… Really, darling? You mean it? Yes, of course I mean it! I wouldn’t be suggesting it if I wasn’t! Mmnh! I can’t wait~! I’ll finish up the things I need to do, darling. You had better! And no arsing around either! If you don’t get it done then we can’t do- oh there he goes. I tell you readers sometimes he’s like a child trapped in an adult body. Well, let’s hope he gets his chores done… Hopefully I won’t come back to a half exploded house. 

[ask-ridgephos]

Toby: Xeph? You here? The door was open so I figured- Oh. Um.. S-sorry, I'll uh.. Yeah... Bye *Runs away*

T-Toby?! Wait- Ridge let go of me! What’s the big deal, Darling? He’d have to get exposed to it at some point. Notch knows he’s old enough to know how this sort of thing works. That may be so but obviously he’s still coming to terms with some new feelings that he’s had! Now would you let go of me? I need to make sure he’s alright! Coming to terms with- Wait. You mean him and Mar- Yes! Ridge, I’ll explain later! I have to go make sure he doesn’t run off and hide in the woods or runs into Mault or Creek. He’ll scare himself silly if he does that! Oh bloody hell where did you throw my pants?

They’re over there, darling! Just by the chair. I want to hear this whole story when you get back! No details spared! Yes, yes alright! No details spa- OW! Oh for notchs’ sake! Careful, Darling! Oh that toe is going to hurt later…

~

Oh good you’re back, Darling! So, how did it go? Did we scar Toby for life with our naked butts? Slightly. The poor boy was coming over for advice. The one time we leave not only the front door but the bedroom door unlocked as well! Well, what’s done is done now spill! What happened? When did it happen? Calm down, Ridge! I just got back let me at least sit down before you start bombarding me with questions. I can’t help it, darling! Toby is the baby of the group. It’s hard not to get excited when good or interesting things happen to him! Yes. I know, Ridge. Now, to answer your first question. He and Martyn shared a kiss. Their first? Yes. Awwww~! I’m going to have to pinch his little face when I see him next! I was starting to wonder if anything would blossom between those two.

Yes well, I would hold off on that face pinching at least until Toby feels more confident in his feelings. You mean he’s having doubts? Not really doubts. More that he’s still a little confused. I see. So it’s going to be a little longer before we celebrate our little Toby finally admitting his love? Yes. A little bit longer. Though Ridge, I don’t want you to make a big deal out of this. Toby is having a hard enough time as it is getting his feelings sorted out. I don’t want you giving him any of your ‘advice’. What? Why not? What’s wrong with my advice? What’s wrong with it? You literally give the worst advice in these situations! I do not! Name one time! Lalna and Nano. What? All I told him to do was to show her how much he cared!

Yes, in the form of a fireworks show that nearly burnt the entire forest down! I spent weeks trying to help fix that damage! That was his own fault! That had nothing to do with my advice! What about Nilesy? What about him? You don’t remember? After you gave him some of your patented ‘advice’ he was left heart broken and inconsolable for weeks! Well… Well that was- that was… See? Now I want you to promise me you won’t try and ‘advise’ Toby on anything concerning this! If he wants to talk to us about what’s going on inside his head then he’ll come to us on his own. This is a delicate situation, Ridge. Please understand. I do, darling. I will refrain. Unless Toby comes and seeks out guidance himself. Good. Now… where were we? Oh~ I think right about… here~ Mmmn~! 

[ask-ridgephos]

Hey Xephos, I know you have a thing with torches, as I was wondering if there was any particular reason? Are you scared of the dark? *whispers I am too*

I’m not so much scared of the dark as I am uncomfortable in it. Never know what could sneak up behind y-! RIDGE! Don’t do that!! Ha! I’m sorry, darling! You were just too easy a target. Haha. Very funny, Ridge. You’re lucky I don’t have a torch right now. I’d stick it right up your- Darling! Language! There are innocent readers looking at this right now! Oh please, Ridge. They’re all not so innocent, thanks to you and your dirty mind and mouth! I am not that bad! I didn’t influence any of them… well that much. See! You even admit to it! Please readers, don’t let his awful ways influence you! You don’t want to follow in his footsteps. You have to try and retain some of your innocence. Now you’re just overreacting, darling. Now, how about you answer that question truthfully.

What? I am answering it truthfully! Oh, so you mean some of those nights where you’re clutching a torch in your hands and checking the house for ‘specters’ is just for fun? Ridge! I just- Why you- Careful, darling! Holding your breath like that might make your head pop right off! Oh, be quiet! I’m not afraid of the dark! I’m uncomfortable in it! That is all! Stop grinning like that!…. Though… there is nothing wrong at all with being afraid of the dark, reader. Sometimes it just takes a little help to get over the hurdle. It can be an object, an animal, or a person that brings you comfort in those times. My object to help with my slight discomfort just happens to be torches. Yes. Torches everywhere to be precise. Walls of cascading light every-  Ridge! Just- Ignore him. Just know that if you need to talk about it further, reader. I am here. You’re not alone. Sounding more and more like a parent, darling. Ridge… don’t start.