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Let me tell y'all, I’m squealing from excitement. 1- A person I’ve come to immensely respect from a parenting perspective has reposted a piece about respecting and accepting trans children and 2- Janet replied to me directly!!!! 😊 It’s a good night.

#janet lansbury #love her #rie parenting

Pick Your Battles

Having a newborn is exhausting. Often sleep is hard to come by. Hands are no longer free to act as they wish. Baby vomit adorns the floors and walls. Diapers pile up in inexplicable places where a change seemed to require immediate attention. These teeny tiny helpless creatures are a lot of work. But the work is not the part that sends me into a negative and unhappy state. It is the lack of control. This is my third newborn, I have yet again, momentarily, lost control over my time and my actions. My own desires have disappeared into the abyss of motherhood.

Having control is strongly linked to ones state of happiness. Oxford University psychologist Michael Argyle says that "For happy people, time is filled and planned. They are punctual and efficient.” With three young children under the age of five I have lost control over many facets of my daily life. In the early days nothing is planned and I am the furthest thing from punctual and efficient.

Last week I was graced with the ability to run around the lake while my inlaws watched all three kids. This was not an easy task. It required a good hour of packing the kids’s snacks, diapers, toys, changes of clothes, wrestling them into socks, shoes, jackets and into the car. I then loaded the stroller, the rain cover, the second seat, the beach blanket, the whiney dog that woke the baby….and so on. My heart was racing so fast that I was quite possibly on the verge of a panic attack until we were driving. As I dangerously attempted to stay within the lines that suddenly felt oh-so-narrow, I simultaneously was trying to calm my thoughts of what I needed, may have forgotten, or should be doing next all whilst navigating to a destination I am not entirely familiar with….my four year old continued to brain slam me with an endless stream of questions slash demands. I questioned whether this short run would be worth this massive hassle.

Once I finally began to run I realized I didn't have an ounce of energy and rather than accelerate my out of control thoughts I not only craved but needed to slow them down. So I slowed my frantic sprint to a lengthening speed walk and let my thoughts settle into a sensible fashion. Why was I so overwhelmed? Yes I have young children but really should it be this hard? Should I always be so angry and frazzled? Why can’t I catch up? A few kilometres of continual analyzing and it hit me, I need to let go. I am trying to control way too many things and the wrong things at that. And I am constantly unhappy with my inability to attain the upperhand. Back in the day (really I am not that old), but back in my pre-kid life I was a determined athlete who set goals and combined hard work and sacrifices to attain those goals. These days I live my life with no goal, no idea where the day will take us and the constant flurry of hours going by. It hit me, I need to slow down and take inventory of what I need to control and what I should just let be. Instead of just yelling and screaming at any poor sucker who crosses my path when everything is going awry. This chaos can and will settle with a little work.

These are the oversimplified categories of my life that I must control:

Safety No questions asked, if any behaviour or situation is hindering the safety of anyone: children, adults, dogs, or any other living being then I will interfere and take control. I am trying earnestly to ignore the constant bickering of my 2 and 4 year old and allow them to have some space to find solutions. But if this bickering is at the top of the stairs, or at the top of the slide, or includes knives or scissors (never doubt my kids) or fingernails scraping eyeballs, then and only then will I interfere. The rest of the time I have been working on deep breathing and distraction techniques. AKA grinding my teeth to the point of excruciating pain.

Money I can control how much money leaves our account. This is a relatively new phenomenon to me. I was under the impression all of our expenditures were essential. We aren't buying fancy clothes, or new toys (to my kids chagrin), or even eating out very often so I falsely presumed it must be essential spending, right? But once I sat down and took my inaugural in depth assessment of our accounts I realized we were basically throwing money away. Our spending needed to be controlled. So now I can focus my control freak tendencies at analyzing what I spend money on. I added two apps to my iPhone that I am sampling to determine which is more geared to my manner of doing things. Zeny and Mint. The challenge of keeping our spending under certain limits within set categories feels oddly satisfying. One of the most successful habits of those who lose weight is maintaining a food journal. Similarly maintaining financial health requires maintaining a journal. As a result what I mindfully spend money on is much much more satisfying.

Food I am a strong believer that the chemicals in processed foods have detrimental effects on our health. I also believe that they have negative effects on children’s behaviour. I cannot prevent my children from ever eating a bag of chips but I can do my best to provide them with healthy options first and foremost. For the first three months after Neko was born I found my days to be completely out of control. The kids were wild and erratic and I was always two steps behind. I was fully aware that they were usually low blood sugar and in dire need of a healthy meal but the darn baby always seemed to need to be fed or changed or would be puking all over me…again. The big kids had to wait and the hungry chaos continued. Just recently I invested in some fancy lunch boxes that hit my budget pretty hard but the sanity was worthwhile. Not only are they snazzy looking but by spending a fortune on them I have committed to making good use of them. I am too thrifty to let them gather dust in a drawer. I bought two lunch containers and two snack containers. I prepare their snacks and lunches the night before and leave them handy in the fridge. They still munch on the odd cookie here and there but their snacks and lunches are reliably healthy and because they are prepared ahead of time.

Exercise My husband and I constantly bicker about who gets to exercise. I know this is a good thing but these days where time is tight it feels quite frustrating to have to validate why one of us is more deserving of the sweaty adrenalin rush. But I have come to the realization that I focus too much energy on getting my exercise fix. I really need to force myself to expend some of this energy on less desirable tasks. Other moms may exert their control by maintaining a clean house, stylish clothes or a spick and span car. I exercise. Not a day goes by that I don’t walk, run, bike or strength train. But weeks can go by that I have failed to clean, grocery shop or pay bills. But the change starts here and exercise is now now not a necessity but a reward when I have finished my chores, or a commuting feature that I work into my day to balance the needs of all the others (I will discuss this in another post, see cargo biking with kids).

Schedule When my first born son was one year of age I complained to a seasoned mother that he was a terrible sleeper. She inquired about his bedtime routine, to which I raised an eyebrow. There was no bedtime routine, nor did he have a set bedtime at all. Some nights he fell asleep in a carseat at a restaurant, some nights he would be in a stroller at the beach and very rarely we would attempt to battle him to sleep in his crib. I am sure that this lack of a schedule is not the only reason for him being the world’s worst sleeper, but I can guarantee it did not help. With three young kids to preserve sanity there needs to be a schedule. There are set times at which they eat and sleep. Mornings are out and about and afternoons are at the homestead resting and recharging. This is our schedule. The best part of having a schedule is that it enables me to leave my children. Try to leave a babysitter with three kids who have no schedule. Chaos would ensue. I don’t fret if we are behind slightly, actually I am late for absolutely everything. But a loose schedule of predictable events does exist and settles the nerves of all four of us.

There you have it. The areas in my life that I need to have control over. By identifying them I have also become aware of which areas I have made a commitment to relax my control over. -What my kids wear. This is a pointless battle and I should and will be happy that they have dressed themselves even if they are dressed all in pick and backwards. -How clean my house is. We clean as we go and they mess as we clean. It is a constant cycle and in a few years we will be amazed at how clean it stays. But for now, my happiness is derived from the smiles on their face not the shine of my floors. -My children’s personalities. This sounds ridiculous but the reality is they are these tiny needy beings for so long and gradually morph into these children with their very own thoughts, opinions and personalities. They may not want to make friends, or go to the playground or ride their bikes and we as parents need to realize their is no normal and be able to accept their personal choices. -Their emotions. This has been a revolutionary realization to me. My children can be angry, happy, or sad and it is okay. They can scream and cry and it is okay. I cannot control how they feel. They are allowed to feel this way. They are allowed to express these feelings (as long as they are not hurting anyone). I have a lifetime to learn and have chosen to follow the words and ways of Janet Lansbury and RIE parenting in my journey. -The actions or words of others. I cannot control them but I can control if I take offence to them. By practicing the art of taking no offence I remove myself from many situations and am able to see where the person is coming from (usually not a good place). In doing so, when someone intends to offend me they are unable to. When the car drives to close to me and my kids while we bike, when a grumpy old lady pushes right through us in the grocery store, when the neighbour yells obscenities that I parked in “his” spot, I cannot stop their words or actions but I can choose to be offended or not.

I find a sense of peace in writing down the elements of my life that I can and cannot control (in relation to my days with the children). There are clear boundaries for the most part and I have decided before the chaos ensues, which battles I am going to enter and which I am going to let pass.

I challenge you to take a good hard look at your life and identify the areas you must be in control of. Also take note of the areas that are out of your control and wave goodbye as you toss them high into the sky. I cannot promise you instant happiness but I do believe it will provide you with a small sense of achievement, and these days any success is worth the effort.

#janet lansbury #RIE parenting #lake run #taking offense #no control #taking control #three kids under five #newborn chaos #new baby and two toddlers

#parenting #janet lansbury #rie #rie parenting

language explosion

baby T isn't a baby anymore. he's a toddler.

18 months old. signs a half dozen words and knows many more. it felt like an overnight explosion. he went from more and all done to animals and food types and places.

rie practices have helped me decide what signs and words to focus on next. whenever he practices a behavior we don't want, we figure out what he's trying to accomplish and then teach him a sign to ask for it.

the example: the bead curtain. one day he yanked on it a lot. he wanted me to come into the foyer while he looked out the front door. so i started focusing on the words door and come.

he didn't start signing those, but as soon as i acknowledged his need and showed him the words, he was fine. he hasn't yanked on the beads since.

then came location names--not "over there" but the corner, the kitchen, the table, that chair, your bed, mommy's sewing table, the snuggling chair.

he's ripe and eager to show his understanding. it's amazing to watch.

#respectful parenting #rie parenting #mumblr #baby sign language

It is not always easy for parents to say “no.”…A parent’s ambivalence, guilt feelings, and areas of confusion in his or her role will be picked up and used amazingly fast by young children. They seem to have a sixth sense for it. Any ambivalence from a parent will produce a nagging response. If not by teaching how does a child develop a conscience? Through consistency. She needs many yeses and a few consistent nos. Consistency means a no is a no whether the parent is in a good mood or a bad mood…. A no is always a no. A child who can easily manipulate his parents may easily lose his base of security. If a child cries, whines or screams, and a parent consistently gives in to make peace, a situation is created where the child feels in charge, while not truly wanting or benefiting from the responsibility. Too much power (having a feeling of control over the parents) may be unhealthy and scary for a child. When he feels too powerful he may feel guilty and guilt can lower self-confidence.

Magda Gerber.

#RIE #rie parenting #Magda Gerber #parenting #mumblr

Redirection is a popular tactic for dealing with a toddler’s undesirable behavior. Its appeal is understandable, because it’s about aiming a child to another activity rather than confronting an issue directly and setting a limit. It helps us dodge the bullet of our child’s resistance, which might include anger, tears or a total meltdown (and we’re all eager to avoid those things, especially in public).

Apparently, redirection often works — at least momentarily — and I can appreciate that it allows mom, dad or caregiver to remain the good guy. I love being the good guy! Instead of saying, “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. Here’s some paper if you want to draw,” it’s easier and less likely to cause friction if I ask enthusiastically, “Can you draw me a silly face on this piece of paper?” So, I may save my sofa in the nick of time, but my child has no idea drawing on it is not okay, and may very well try it again. Well, at least there are no tears — I’m still the good guy! And right there is the first problem I have with redirection…

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