pixel skylines
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Three Goblin Art
DEAR READER
ellievsbear
d e v o n
Kaledo Art
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Peter Solarz
$LAYYYTER
YOU ARE THE REASON
Game of Thrones Daily
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
will byers stan first human second
we're not kids anymore.
blake kathryn
Sade Olutola
styofa doing anything
Show & Tell
Jules of Nature
seen from Sri Lanka
seen from Iceland
seen from Malaysia
seen from Syria
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from Philippines
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Türkiye
seen from Italy
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from France
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Guinea
seen from United States
seen from United States
@rieparenting
Kindsness always overcomes antagonism… Instead ofconfronting our children we need to remember to communicate with them, understanding the challenges they face and empathising
Communication is the fundemental building block of a good relationship and after all what more could we want for our children. Establishing a framework where they feel empowered and understand the boubdaries of their acrions drives their ability to make the right choices in life
Violet’s doctor said to let Violet cry during tummy time so that she can get more time on her tummy. I don’t think I can do that. As soon as she starts wailing I get extreme anxiety and start crying. I know she needs tummy time but she absolutely hates it.
Read this & see if it helps: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/the-case-against-tummy-time-guest-post-by-irene-gutteridge/
Uh, bingo
I am obsessed with this book!
Your 10-month-old spends the majority of your playgroup session climbing and squirming on your lap, using you to pull up to standing as you sit on the floor.
Your 18-month-old can’t seem to make up his mind. First he wants to go outside. Two minutes later he wants to come back in. A minute later he wants to go out again.
Your 2-year-old isn’t ready to get into her car seat, regardless of your schedule. Her resistance and stalling seem to increase each day despite your patience and respectful attitude. When you’ve finally run out of time and need to place her into the seat yourself, she screams.
Your 3-year-old wants you to play with him when you need to make dinner. He howls and holds onto your legs. A few minutes later he hits the dog. At dinner time, he demands yogurt instead of the food you’ve prepared. Later he refuses to get out of the bath tub and get ready for bed.
What do these toddlers have in common? They’ve been left hanging in toddler testing limbo.
A No-Win Situation
The problem for children: It’s a healthy toddler’s job to test our limits. When we don’t answer these tests definitively, kids can become increasingly preoccupied with testing. When children are stuck testing, they’re not playing, socializing, creating, learning, fulfilling their potential. Testing limbo is an unproductive distraction.
Young children are extremely perceptive. When they are stuck in testing mode, they are aware that their behavior annoys, and maybe even infuriates the adults caring for them. This is not a comfortable or healthy place for a child to be.
The problem for us: Testing limbo isn’t comfortable for parents either. If we don’t address testing behaviors calmly and directly, we can become increasingly irritated and exhausted, lose our cool and feel guilty, dislike parenting, even resent and lose affection for our child. Tests are requests, and when we don’t provide conclusive “answers” in our responses, we unwittingly provoke more testing.
Testing is like a mouse in our house. If we don’t notice it and handle it effectively, it’s likely to show up in other situations as well (and multiply!).
How to help: Testing is our children’s subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) way of signaling for our help and requires a clear and, preferably, immediate answer. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to be decisive and direct, because we can always change our minds (decisively) later, which is actually excellent modeling. “I thought about it and realized it’s okay for you to splash the water out of the pool. I’m sorry to have told you no.”
Whether we are at home, in public, or at the homes of friends and relatives, preventing children in our care from getting stuck in testing limbo is a profound demonstration of our love. Here’s how RIE Educator Lisa Sunbury Gerber, the mother of a toddler, articulated this approach in one of our recent conversations:
“In social situations, especially where others may have different rules or expectations, what helps me is to stay close to R and focused on her. Even if the other parent has rules I don’t agree with or enforce at home, I see my job as protecting R and helping her to succeed in situations like this, and that means staying close and setting the limit… It is good modeling, too. She does understand that in some situations and some places there are different expectations.”
Steps I Recommend
1. Clearly express the limit: “I don’t want you to (or “I can’t let you” or “I won’t let you”) scream right next to me while I’m putting the baby to bed.”
2. Acknowledge desires and feelings: “You want to stay here with us. You are having a hard time being quiet.”
An acknowledgement can also come before stating the limit, i.e. “You want to help me put the baby to bed. I can’t let you make noise in here while she goes to sleep.”
3. Follow through: Be prepared to take action immediately — our words are seldom enough to ease testing. “I’m going to insist you wait outside the room. I’m going to walk you out. I’ll be there with you in a few minutes.”
Following through might mean holding your child’s hands as she tries to hit, removing an unsafe object from her hands, putting toys or objects away, moving your child out of a situation in which she’s stuck testing.
If you hear yourself stating the limit a second time, you are probably waiting too long to follow through and help your child follow your direction.
4. Accept your child’s negative response. Breathe, relax, let go, let feelings be. These feelings are not your fault or responsibility. They don’t belong to you. Allow your child to scream and pound the door. Releasing these feelings is the healthiest thing she can do, because they are almost always about so much more than the situation at hand. You and your child must be able to let go and accept this disagreement so that you can both move on.
5. Reconnect by acknowledging your child’s perspective and feelings (again). Let her know through your emphatic tone that you understand the intensity of her feelings — that you totally get her message: “Wow, you didn’t like that at all! You seemed furious. You wanted so much to stay in the room with me.” Be available for hugs or cuddles and allow your child to initiate them.
Handling these situations assuredly with empathy and acceptance will pre-empt the cycle and prevent them from becoming a daily occurrence.
Screaming, yelling and foul language are tests that we cannot prevent. Our children control these actions. However, by underreacting we can deactivate these “buttons” so that children quickly lose interest in pushing them. It is still important to let kids know we hear the message in their screams and extreme statements like, “I hate the baby (or you),” to which we might respond, “I hear the anger in those words. Big brothers feel like that sometimes.”
What Gets In Our Way
We don’t recognize testing. Testing is when children:
Repeat a behavior we’ve said “no” to in the past And, in case you’re wondering, it is very unlikely that your child forgot or didn’t know that you didn’t want him to hit you, kick the dog, etc. Children know. They don’t forget these things.
Look toward parents and maybe even smile or laugh while they engage in an undesirable behavior.
Make unreasonable requests or demands
Seem to be “out of themselves” and unraveling, usually because they’re tired, hungry, stressed, or holding onto some strong emotions.
Engage in play that seems more destructive than constructive.
Seem to be pulling the strings, pushing our buttons, putting us through our paces, ruling the roost, calling the shots (there sure are a lot of analogies about this, aren’t there? Whichever shoe fits…).
We underestimate intelligence and awareness, doubting toddlers understand. Children usually understand us the first time we say it, and often even before we say it. In “The Real Reasons Toddlers Push Limits” I share the most common reasons children do it anyway.
We take our children’s emotional responses too literally and get overwhelmed. We confuse tests and momentary desires with “needs”.
We fear being overly strict and controlling like our parents, or perhaps we were raised without boundaries at all. Either way, healthy limit-setting has not been modeled for us.
We perceive terms like ‘control’, ‘discipline’, and ‘in charge’ negatively and worry that we’ll crush our child’s spirit. In reality, however, helping children escape testing limbo is the surest way to free their spirits.
Judging by some feedback on this website and on my Facebook page lately, it seems some parents worry that giving children even the slightest correction is shaming. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Examples of shaming responses are: “How dare you?”; “How could you do that?”; “Why would you do such a thing?”; “You’re getting a spanking, going to your room”; “No dessert for you!”
Clearly communicating with your child that their behavior is not okay is in no way shaming. It’s called parenting.
***
My mantra for parents is also one of our biggest challenges: Let feelings be. Accept tantrums, meltdowns, whines, neediness, disappointments, sadness, major and minor complaints without judgment. Our children’s feelings and desires are involuntary and do not belong to us. Managing, calming, or otherwise “fixing” them is not our responsibility, nor is it helpful to them.
Interrupting a baby’s inborn desire to explore and discover to give a lesson in letters, numbers or reading is like painting a house before the foundation is built. It discourages him or her from working on what is really important, and wastes both our child’s time and ours.
Janet Lansbury (via babypeapod)
Also remember that toddlers are incredibly aware, especially tuned in to their parents, and learning all the time. So the question is never “Are they learning?” It’s “What are they learning?”
Janet Lansbury.
It is not always easy for parents to say “no.”…A parent’s ambivalence, guilt feelings, and areas of confusion in his or her role will be picked up and used amazingly fast by young children. They seem to have a sixth sense for it. Any ambivalence from a parent will produce a nagging response. If not by teaching how does a child develop a conscience? Through consistency. She needs many yeses and a few consistent nos. Consistency means a no is a no whether the parent is in a good mood or a bad mood…. A no is always a no. A child who can easily manipulate his parents may easily lose his base of security. If a child cries, whines or screams, and a parent consistently gives in to make peace, a situation is created where the child feels in charge, while not truly wanting or benefiting from the responsibility. Too much power (having a feeling of control over the parents) may be unhealthy and scary for a child. When he feels too powerful he may feel guilty and guilt can lower self-confidence.
Magda Gerber.
Anyone else have a kid around a year old who flips shit every time you tell tjem no or take them from doing something they shouldn’t be? Redirection, comfort and distraction all don’t work, he’ll hit, bite, kick and claw if I try and just wants to sit there screaming bloody murder for 5-60 minutes. Usually because I put tje top back down on the coffee table or move him from climbing the entertainment center. I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Is this a phase??? Nothing stops him from crying during these fits or tantrums or outbursts or whatever. He cries for however long then just stops and is fine until I tell him no or remove him from a situation again.
Yes my daughter is the same (14 months). She gets upset very quickly when I do things like take my phone off of her.
It’s not a phase unfortunately. Tantrums are toddlers way of communicating their feelings to us. It’s good for them to release their emotions!
When I take something off of my daughter or stop her from doing something I will tell her “I don’t want you touching my phone. I’m putting it away now.”
She will start crying & throwing a tantrum. I say to her “You’re upset because you wanted the phone & I took it away from you.”
I don’t try to stop the tantrum or distract her from it. I want her to know that she can express her feelings to me. Toddlers often use hitting, kicking biting, etc as a way of communicating their feelings. If she starts hitting me when she’s upset I will physically stop her from hitting me. I will say “I won’t let you hit me. If you want to hit something, I can get you a pillow.” I’ll hold her hands until she pulls away from me. If she goes to hit me again I just repeat it, but usually she stops after trying only a couple of times.
If you are present & talking to your child, offering comfort if they want it, etc, you aren’t letting them cry it out. It’s good to let them feel their emotions. It’s helps them learn to deal with them. It’s not good to try & “fix” or distract them out of a tantrum.
Here’s some great information about tantrums if you’re interested: http://www.regardingbaby.org/2008/08/11/temper-tantrums/
I hope my advice helps. I know how tough it can be dealing with tantrums!
I’m not for hitting back and biting back when Oliver does these things but man is he pushing my buttons and it’s hard not to try to do back to him what he does.
I sternly tell him ” no we don’t hit/bite” sign it and move him off my lap or make him sit on the floor. He screams and cries for a minute then I pick him up and tell him it isn’t nice and calm him down. It’s been weeks and it’s not helping.
I find this article really helpful: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/biting-hitting-kicking-and-other-challenging-toddler-behavior/
In the four years since I started my web site, I’ve written over three hundred articles. I have always tried to be as specific and descriptive as possible, b
if you want to listen and actually hear how to set respectful limits, this is a great 8 min podcast with pretty realistic scenarios of challenging scenes with young kids and good examples of how to respond as a gentle leader.
So for all you mums,
With Theo we avoid ‘no’ and ‘don’t’ because it makes him worse, so we go for more of a gentle take.
However he’s started hitting himself. He will hit someone and when you start to say that we have to be gentle he gets worked up, and works himself up so bad he starts hitting and slapping himself. If you say ‘don’t do that’ he gets really worked up straight away. Saying be gentle means it doesn’t happen as aggressively or as quickly. He starts slapping himself when he’s worked up/having a tantrum.
Does anybody know if there’s a way to get him to stop slapping himself? Whether with words or actions?
EDIT: We also use distraction as much as possible but it doesn’t always work
When he throws a tantrum remain as calm as possible. Acknowledge his feelings. You can do this by saying things like "You're very upset right now". When my daughter gets upset I won't let her touch my phone I will say "You're upset I won't let you play with my phone. I had to put it away." I stay present & comfort her if she wants it.
She occasionally hits herself in the face to show her frustration. If she ever hits me I will hold her hands & say "I won't let you hit me. I'm holding your hands." I'll let go if she tries to pull away. If she tries to hit me again I will just repeat what I just said. Usually though she won't try hitting me again. Or she'll throw a tantrum.
Here's a great article about tantrums: http://www.regardingbaby.org/2008/08/11/temper-tantrums/
Also if you're interested heres an article about redirection called "5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need ‘Redirection’ (And What To Do Instead)"
I hope these suggestions can be of some help to you!
Toddlers test. That’s what they are supposed to do. A toddler has failed if he makes life too easy for us
janet lansburry (via babypeapod)
Redirection is a popular tactic for dealing with a toddler’s undesirable behavior. Its appeal is understandable, because it’s about aiming a child to another activity rather than confronting an issue directly and setting a limit. It helps us dodge the bullet of our child’s resistance, which might include anger, tears or a total meltdown (and we’re all eager to avoid those things, especially in public).
Apparently, redirection often works — at least momentarily — and I can appreciate that it allows mom, dad or caregiver to remain the good guy. I love being the good guy! Instead of saying, “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. Here’s some paper if you want to draw,” it’s easier and less likely to cause friction if I ask enthusiastically, “Can you draw me a silly face on this piece of paper?” So, I may save my sofa in the nick of time, but my child has no idea drawing on it is not okay, and may very well try it again. Well, at least there are no tears — I’m still the good guy! And right there is the first problem I have with redirection…
Read More...
Model behaviors that you desire in your child. If you want your child to be gentle, demonstrate gentleness and kindness to him and others. Reinforce only desired behaviors. If you are aggressive with a child, this only reinforces aggression. ...Don't preach. Who likes to be preached to? Children learn by modelling and imitate what their parents do, positive or negative.
Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby
