#rigid mind

[iammrslupin]

Why I stopped reading fanfiction?

First of all, my AuDHD entered that long phase when I can’t read anything. I’m trying to fight it by reading safe books (the ones I love and like to read over and over again) or books I was really interested in reading. But even those… I’m taking months to read them.

And second, because of my rigid mind. What does that mean?

1) I can’t read anything that contradicts canon. Even my own fanfics are canon fix-it, in a way that could have made sense in canon.

2) Everyone has different interpretations of the characters and I am no exception. But I can’t deal with other people’s interpretations. They simply don’t make sense in my mind. The biggest example are Remadora fanfics. I used to love that couple (I’ve always related a lot to Tonks). But some fanfics I read made me hate Remus and others made me feel like Tonks doesn’t have anything to do with me, after all).

I just don’t see myself in the fandom version of Tonks (which is totally plausible in canon, don’t get me wrong, we don’t really know much about her, so she could be anything we want). And that is really uncomfortable, because this is who I am;

• An only child. My mum married my dad, who was from a lower social class.

• I’ve always hated my birth name and asked people not to call me by it .

• My grandfather’s last name was Preto. It means Black in my mother language (Portuguese).

• I’ve always loved to change my looks.. I’ve had lots of different hair colours and hairdos. I even own a collect of wigs and I like to try every style, from rocker to pinup girl, from gothic to preppy, everything.

• I love the company of kids and teenagers.

• I’m goofy and playful.

• I’m the clumsiest person on earth. I even had a teacher who used to call me a “Walking Disaster”.

• My feelings are deeply intense.

• I get incredibly depressed when I’m rejected.

• I’m a Hufflepuff.

• And, of course, I’ve always loved Remus.😊

That’s Tonks, isn’t it? But fandom Tonks is aggressive and is always cursing. That’s exact the opposite of who I am. Plus, all the fandom seems to see her as queer. And although I’ve always been an ally, I’m just a grey ace woman who unfortunately likes men.

I’m giving Tonks as an example, because it’s the most flagrant of them all, and the one that bothers me the most, since I’ve always read Tonks as myself in the books, and then came the modern fanfics and turned her into someone who has nothing to do with me.

This may sound stupid to anyone who reads it, but that’s just how my mind works. And that’s why I stopped being a diehard Remadora shipper (I still ship them but it’s not the same as it once were) and why I stopped reading fanfiction at all.

(Sometimes, I still read some Remus/Oc fics, if they don’t mischaracterise him and if they’re not Teacher/Student)

[justcallmemrslupin]

Just a heartfelt humble post, for a change

(On neurodiversity, lack of feedback and being seen like the Loch Ness Monster for being so protective of the true essence of Remus Lupin)

This is more of a stupid cry for help in a moment when I feel overwhelmed that anything else, and I’ll probably delete it later.

Hey, guys!

I know I don’t have many followers (but i”t is the quality of one’s conviction that determines success, not the number of followers” — sorry, I couldn’t resist! 😅🤭🫣) or even comments because my posts are polemic.

I’m just a neurodivergent woman fighting for people to know the truth about her special interest. I have a very rigid mind, so it’s really hard for me to deal with canon deviations, unless they can be explained by the fanfic plot. That means I don’t understand shipping at all, unless:

a) The ship is canon;

b) it’s an unfinished work and the ship can become canon;

c) It’s with an OC, because it automatically changes perspectives and feels personal (I could never read or watch anything without self-inserting in a character; even in original works. If I don’t find a character to self-insert, I just lose interest).

The thing is: this is a blog I mostly use to vent about Remus Lupin’s mischaracterisation and misconceptions. Because Remus has been my comfort character for over 20 years. I mourned his death as if he was a real person. I spent years feeling a punch in my stomach every time I heard the words “Harry Potter”. This is not just some entertainment to me. It’s real neurodivergent hyperfixation.

Remus’ character saved my life. Twice. And he’s still doing that, not letting me fall into severe depression again. So it feels really personal to me when people insult Remus or turn him into something that strips away his most remarkable traits. It even triggers me physically! (And yes, I’m working on that through therapy.)

I studied Remus thoroughly. I know his character inside out, I know all his lines, and although I do write fanfiction about him, I never deviate much from canon unless it makes sense and it’s explained in the plot (like time or universe travelling).

But people always prefer fanfics that change his personality rather than mine, which are utterly faithful to him. It’s ironic that my most successful fanfic is “Hey, Remus!’, the one that deviates from canon the most: a shamelessly self-insert OC gets pulled into the books due to “magical metaphysics” and finds out that in the Wizarding World she’s the fictional one and Remus had been reading about her too.

My other fics, especially “Bring Me To Life” (previously called “Awaken”), the one that emotionally drained me so much that I had to give it a stupid ending because I was starting to fall deep into depression, although it tells the whole canon Remus Lupin’s story through flashbacks, it’s the second least successful of them all.

And don’t get me started on the lack of comments. That’s one of the reasons why I stopped posting my fics online and only write for myself nowadays.

I’ll stick to the warming feeling I got from “Hey, Remus!”, where more than one person told me they related a lot to my OC (yep, a shameless self-insert), that my story made them dream, or — the most special one, by someone who became a virtual friend because of that — that it helped them cope with depression. Few people? Sure. But… well, you know what film Remus says about the number of followers.

Sorry about the venting. I’ve been feeling down lately, so I felt like openings my heart to you a bit.

Not my usual post, I know. But I needed to do it. Maybe I’ll exclude it later.

Thanks for being there.

[interestingpsychologyspace]

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