#rilee jackson

[rileejackson]

It Took All of Me to Write This

I’m not myself right now and I don’t know when I will be.  

Heartbreak is real. Time is a bitch. It feels like a loved one has moved on from this world, but hasn’t.

The past two years were everything. We gave each other everything we had, every bit, every ounce of our being. I opened up like never before and I don’t regret it for a second. However, it makes it that much more painful.

I’m hurting, but he didn’t hurt me. No one’s to blame. Time can be a good thing or a bad thing. In this case, it was bad. Timing wasn’t right, our time was up and it straight up sucks.

We are both in pain, we couldn’t even say the words and I don’t even want to type them. It was such a gentle, passionate, raw, silly, and true relationship and that’s why it hurts so much. It was a relationship with a man that ensured me that I was beautiful and loved every single day. A relationship with a person that taught me what it means to love and be loved in all aspects. It was someone who I broke down to because I wanted to end my life because I was so tired of simply being. I thought I would marry him.

Writing this is so hard for me and I just want to focus on the relationship and not the aftermath, but here it goes.

We balanced one another so well. We shared similar and not so similar interests and that always kept us curious about each other. Nearing the end of school, majoring in two completely different things, we are taking separate paths. Paths that each have been longing to travel. We never wanted to hold the other back and we didn’t. This decision was one that was extremely difficult to make, but it’s right. Just because it’s right, doesn’t make it hurt any less. Not at the moment at least.

Both felt that it was coming, but neither of us wanted to speak of it. We made the best of the time we shared and I will forever be thankful for him and thankful for the light he was during my darkest time.

Please know this wasn’t some silly puppy love, it was far from it. We needed to let go to ensure the other’s happiness in the long run. We chose to let go because we didn’t want to end up hating each other. We let go because we love each other so terribly much. It hurts like hell, but it ended peacefully and with dignity.

I never knew true heartbreak until just a few days ago. It’s a blessing and a curse. Blessing because you know it was a real love that was shared and it was time well spent. It was a blessing because I got to experience so many wonderful things that come with having a significant other. I got to celebrate holidays with just him and I, anniversaries, take him to meet the family. I got to go on road trips and argue about whose turn it was to drive or pay for gas. I got to experience so many little things that I will forever cherish.

With every good comes a bad. Heartbreak is a curse because it means that the wonderful and valuable love is over. And with that comes pain.

Lastly, I just want to say that I respect him so much and always will. I could talk about him for hours. He is truly one of the most caring, gentle, sympathetic, and loving people I know. He always put my well being, happiness, and satisfaction before his own. I will forever be grateful and I wish him nothing but pure happiness, success, and love.

[rileejackson]

One of those nights.

Sitting here, with christmas lights lighting up my room, listening to the “Underground Hits” playlist on Spotify. It’s a comfortable Thursday night which is leading me to think and wanting to write to you, the person who is reading this. 

I’m not in a rut, but lately I’ve found myself wanting change. I’ve been exploring my interest and curiosity of multiple things just because I feel like it. You know when you have a feeling something’s about to happen? Especially something good, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? I’ve been having that feeling recently and it’s led me to think about a lot. I graduate in a year and am finding myself to become more and more anxious about my life. Not a bad anxious, the kind of anxious where half of you is ready to start your life and are 110% confident that everything will work out and the other half of you is more doubtful and scared. I feel like that’s totally normal. I’ve been feeling anxious about wanting to meet new people and actually gain friends, but a majority of me is terrified and chooses not to be social because I’m much more comfortable that way. Anyways, I want change. I’m thinking of doing something different with my hair. Random, but also common when someone wants a change...at least I think so. I’m thinking going like a pastel purple or maybe an ombré of brown to pastel purple (I’m still deciding in case you wanted to know). 

For those who don’t know, which no one does I don’t think, I love watching YouTube videos. Recently I discovered Jenna Marbles and her boyfriend Julien’s (coincidence?) podcast. On there they talk about a lot of different things, but I basically binge watched the Conspiracy Theory videos and Ghost stories within a span of 3 days (they’re each about an hour long). One Conspiracy video was strictly about afterlife, the universe and what happens when one passes. That video got me thinking a lot about destiny and what happens after we die. I think it’s SUCH an interesting topic simply because no one knows. It’s led me to think of what else is out there. Here’s my opinion, not saying I’m right or wrong, but I think there is so much more to life than what we know. I believe in aliens, other kinds of life. I believe that there is a higher power of some sort. Now I am not religious. I was raised as a Christian, but I was told what to believe and was never given a chance to choose what I want to believe. Personally, I don’t know much about any religion. However, I know what I believe. I believe that something is out there that we have not discovered yet. I do not believe that humans are the greatest species to ever live and are at the top of the chain when it comes to life. If we were the best thing to happen in the universe...I’d say that’s pretty sad and disappointing. I don’t think that when we die, we lay in the ground for the rest of eternity. I think our soul lives on and goes to a higher realm. I believe that reincarnation is another possibility. As you can tell, I don’t believe in one thing, I believe in multiple possibilities. 

I read this one short story called, “The Egg” by Andy Weir (easy to find on Google, read it!). It’s about reincarnation and how you are every single person to have ever and to ever live on this planet. For example, you were Hitler, you were Queen Elizabeth, you were Miley Cyrus, you were the homeless man on the street. You were every person to have ever lived, but you don’t remember. I highly suggest you read it, it’s short and very eye opening and thought provoking. Do I believe it? I believe it’s a possibility. 

I know this took a deep turn, but it’s just my mind throwing up on the keyboard and bleeding onto the screen. Like I said, it’s a comfortable Thursday night. 

[rileejackson]

Strangers gave me some advice, now I’m giving it to you. What advice would you give everyone if you could? 

Also, I enjoyed making the video so much that I want to make some more! Any ideas for what kind of videos I should make? Let me know! 

rileejackson 

[rileejackson]

do not whistle at me. I am not a dog. 

rileejackson 

[rileejackson]