Too Shy To Say It
Title: Too Shy To Say It Pairings: Jyn/Cassian Summary: Jyn doesn't understand Internet pranks. Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Star Wars This is what happens when Coryphefish pitches ideas at me. I take them and write fic. No one typically sent messages to Jyn Erso – at least not personal ones. Her morning message box always held the same three messages: (1) a message containing the schedule of classes she would be teaching that day, as generated by the base's computer system; (2) a general information bulletin everyone received; and (3) a message about the weather she signed up to receive after feeling particularly lonely because she had only been receiving two messages. Messages from friends were basically non-existent. Occasionally, there would be a message from Chirrut and Baze, talking about the monastery they were working with, but those were few and far between. Jyn could count her remaining friends on one hand, and neither of them felt the need to send her messages.
It was a surprise, then, when there was a fourth message sitting on her datapad that morning. Jyn didn't recognize the sender's address – a string of what appeared to be random numbers and letters – but the subject line caught her attention.
Cassian said I had to send this to you. Cassian never sent her anything. He wasn't even on base at the moment; he'd left last night. For a moment, Jyn wondered if he'd learned of something at the last minute and asked K-2SO to warn her that she was about to get in some sort of trouble. While Jyn couldn't think of anything in particular that she could have done to upset the brass, that didn't mean much. The Alliance had a complicated system of what was Okay To Do and what was Absolutely Unforgivable that didn't make much sense to her. Jyn knew she could have accidentally stumbled into something she shouldn't have. Warily, she opened the message. Cassian wanted you to have this, K-2SO had written. Underneath it was an external link. Frowning, she ran her finger across the datapad, then activated the link.
~*~
“You've been quiet,” Bodhi noted as he climbed out from underneath the shuttle control panel. Jyn hadn't moved from where he'd left her sitting against the co-pilot's panel. It wasn't that Jyn being quiet in itself was necessarily concerning. Jyn was generally a quiet person. It was more that Jyn was being weirdly quiet. Every time he'd seen her over the last two days, she'd been sitting alone with headphones over her ears, wearing an expression that cycled between concern, confusion, and a pure, unadulterated joy he'd rarely seen from her. She'd spent the last thirty minutes sitting silently in the shuttle as he worked, and Bodhi was getting the distinct impression she wanted to talk but wasn't sure how Talking To Friends worked. “Everything okay?” “Thinking.” Jyn replied. Bodhi waited as she went through some sort of internal deliberation on how much of her thinking it was safe to share with other people. She looked remarkably the way Galen had when he was working through a problem. Finally, Jyn confessed, “I'm not very good with people.” That, Bodhi thought, was an understatement. He knew better than to ask any of the natural follow-up questions, so he turned his attention to ripping out the wires he'd freed from underneath the nav computer. “How many relationships have you had?” Jyn asked. He hit his head on the bottom of the control panel. “Romantic relationships?” He had not expected this topic of conversation, nor was it one he particularly wanted to have. Unfortunately, now that he was stuck in the middle of it, he had no way to extract himself from it. He found himself answering the question. “Um, two? Maybe?” “Maybe?” Jyn frowned. “I was twenty and it was complicated.” Bodhi said quickly. “Can we, er, not talk about my failed relationship history?” Jyn nodded. She played with the headphones in her lap for several moments before admitting, “Cassian sent me a song.” “O-kay?” He wasn't sure what that had to do with anything. Sure, Cassian didn't seem like the sort to send people songs, but truth be told, Cassian wasn't the sort of person who made an effort to let other people get to know him. For all Bodhi knew, Cassian could have an extensive collection of music and thought music sharing was the key to long lasting friendships. Bodhi had met all types. He tried not to judge. “I mean, friends do that, Jyn. You see something you think someone you know would like, and you let them know about it.” “It's, um,” Jyn looked awkward. “It's really romantic.” She leaned her head back against the station behind her with a clunk. Okay, that might be odd – not the part about Cassian fancying Jyn. That part was ridiculously obvious to everyone – or at least everyone other than Jyn. The part where he sent her a song to let her know, however, was weird. Although, Bodhi considered for a moment, Cassian seemed to have as many barriers and issues in being open about things as Jyn. Maybe this was the only way he could think to communicate genuine emotions? “Am I reading too much into this?” Jyn asked. “Maybe he really just likes the tune?” “Jyn,” Bodhi tried to keep from sounding as uncomfortable as he felt, “You remember the part about only maybe two relationships, right?” She turned her head to look at him. “What do I say when he asks if I liked it?” “Well, do you?” He asked. “Like it, I mean?” “It is the best song I have ever heard in my life,” Jyn said with conviction. Bodhi tried to translate that. “Because Cassian sent it?” He was rewarded with Jyn cycling through at least ten entries in her scowl collection. “No,” she finally said, “Because it's about always being there for someone. And it has a good tune.” Bodhi nodded and pretended to be engrossed in his work. “Well,” he offered, “If Cassian asks, you could always say that you liked it.” “Do I want him to feel this way about me?” Jyn asked quickly. Bodhi had to check if she was serious. Unfortunately, she was. He wasn't sure why Jyn thought he would have an answer to that. He also wasn't sure how he had found himself in the midst of a conversation with one of his only friends about whether another of his only friends was interested in a romantic relationship. “I don't know, Jyn. I'm, uh, not good at relationships? Maybe, uh, maybe you could ask someone who gets all this stuff? Write to Chirrut and Baze?” Jyn seemed assuaged at that idea. She nodded to herself and slid her headphones back over her ears. After several minutes of blissful quiet and no awkward questions, he felt a hand brush his sleeve. “Thanks,” Jyn said softly. ~*~ “Make sure you check our messages,” Chirrut announced as they returned to their tiny room. Baze resisted the urge to point out that no one ever messaged them. Whenever anyone around here wanted to talk with either of them, they would do so in person. The monastery was only so big. He knew, however, that the moment he voiced any of that, they would actually get a message and Chirrut would wear that smug little smile for the rest of the day. So he checked. There was a message. Of course there was. “We have a message from Jyn,” Baze announced. Chirrut smiled. It was smug. Of course it was. “What does Jyn say?” Baze skimmed the message, which was blessedly short. When they received messages from Bodhi, they were long with paragraphs' worth of small talk before Bodhi revealed the reason he wrote. Jyn's were always short and to the point. “Captain Andor sent her a song. She wants to know what to do about it.” “'What kind of song?” Chirrut asked. Jyn, fortunately, had included a link. Baze followed it. They listened. It was, Baze decided as he suffered through it, one of the worst songs he had ever heard. His opinion of the captain decreased. Silence returned as the song ended. Baze silently said a prayer of relief before wondering if Chirrut knew what he'd done. “I can understand why Jyn likes it,” Chirrut said at last. “I can't.” Baze replied. It was horrible. Worse yet, it was now playing over and over in his head, despite the fact that the music had stopped. “The lyrics,” Chirrut amended. "She likes the lyrics." “There are better ways to express those sentiments,” Baze pointed out. “Telling someone, for example. Writing a letter. Engaging in any act besides playing someone that song.” “Captain Andor does not enjoy acknowledging his feelings,” Chirrut noted somewhat diplomatically. What Chirrut meant was Captain Andor does not acknowledge he has feelings. “You want me to tell Jyn that?” Baze asked. It would not go over well. “I doubt she would appreciate that sentiment.” Chirrut remained diplomatic. “What would you have done if I had sent you that song?” “Suffered through it,” Baze replied honestly. “Back at the beginning?” Chirrut clarified. Found it adorable. He was not sharing that. “I would have been concerned about your taste in music.” “Ask Jyn how she feels about the captain sending her the song.” Chirrut instructed. Baze looked at him. Even though he couldn't see Baze's expression, Chirrut somehow knew what it was anyway. “I know. But she has to figure that out herself. Just ask her.” ~*~ Luke Skywalker made a point to try to be friendly to everyone. Some people – like Wedge Antilles – were easy to be friendly with. Other people – like Han on his bad days – were more difficult. Nonetheless, Luke had found that everyone wanted friends, deep down, but some people weren't sure how to get them. He tried to make it easy for those people, so when he saw Jyn Erso sitting alone (again) in the middle of the crowded mess, he set his tray down across from her. He was rewarded with a confused look. Luke smiled. “Hi.” Jyn looked at him a long moment with the sort of expression he came to associate with an animal that wasn't sure if he was friendly or not. After several heartbeats, she nodded and returned to staring at her tray and listening intently to something over the headphones attached to her datapad. Now that he'd made Jyn his project for this meal, Luke was determined to see it through. He gave her another smile and asked loudly, “Good song?” Jyn hesitated, the wordlessly removed the headphones and passed them over. Luke slid them on and resisted the urge to groan. Not this again. R2 had been sending it to him at least once a day. Apparently, the droids thought it was funny to try to get each other to play the song. Somehow, that had spilled over to the pilots. Wes Janson had come up with several creative ways to trick other members of Red Squadron into listening to it. Even Han had gotten in on the prank. The princess had spent a good ten minutes screaming at him for sending her the song just this morning. (Han, meanwhile, had seemed quite pleased with himself). Luke quickly passed the headphones back. Jyn frowned. “You don't like it?” She seemed genuinely surprised. Luke wondered if she was that good of an actor, or if she was being sincere. While he wasn't one hundred percent accurate with his ability to use the Force to ferret out a lie, it felt like Jyn was being sincere. It struck him, suddenly, that Jyn didn't get the joke. Someone had sent her the song, and she genuinely liked it. He didn't want to dampen her mood – he had just gotten her to speak actual words – so he managed a tiny shrug. “I've heard it before. It's, uh, kind of popular right now.” “I can see why,” Jyn noted. "It's really good." Once again, the only thing the Force gave him was complete sincerity on her part. “Yeah, it sticks in your head,” Luke agreed, trying to be nice. “Did one of the droids send it to you?” “No.” She replied. “A friend thought I might like it.” “That was...nice of them.” Luke quickly looked for a safe change of subject. Anything would be better than a discussion about that song. He didn't know much about Jyn Erso, and most of what he knew was the sort of thing that normal people did not bring up in conversation. He quickly seized on the only topic he knew would be unoffensive. “Hey, so, Wedge and I wanted to ask you about something you showed the recruits in hand to hand the other day....” ~*~ Cassian was not happy. While there were many – many – times his human was not happy, K-2SO recognized that this time was different. For one, Cassian had gotten to do a recruiting mission (something K-2SO understood to be Cassian's favorite type of mission), and the mission was successful. The general had not ordered Cassian to kill anyone (something K-2SO understood Cassian did not enjoy doing), nor did any situation arise where Cassian's hand was forced. Cassian had even smiled as they returned to base. He stopped smiling after the first evening back. K-2SO was not sure what happened, but there was a 98.5% chance that something had because humans did not typically go from happy to not happy without provocation. As he followed Cassian to a meeting with some of the new recruits they'd brought back with them, K-2SO quickly replayed the last twenty-four hours in his memory. He could not identify anything that would typically upset his human. Cassian had a meeting with General Draven, but it consisted of little more than reporting on the new recruits. Cassian had forced him to go to dinner with Bodhi Rook, but while K-2SO found Cassian's friends trying at times, Bodhi was one of the better ones and Cassian liked spending time with Bodhi. Breakfast was blissfully quiet and Cassian was able to get quite a lot of work done since Jyn Erso's attendance had been required elsewhere. This, K-2SO knew, should make Cassian very happy, since Cassian loved getting work done for the Rebellion. It seemed as if the Force was trying to ensure Cassian received all the things Cassian generally liked. But Cassian was not happy. K-2SO could tell in the way his human held himself, and in how he responded when people talked to him. Most humans, K-2SO was sure, had no idea Cassian was not carrying on as usual, but humans were terrible at noticing important things about other humans. This was why all humans should have at least one droid. Droids understood humans in ways humans could not. (Cassian, however, did not need more than one droid; K-2SO was a spectacular droid. But other humans were not as lucky and might not have as good a droid as K-2SO. They might require more). K-2SO waited until after dinner to see if Cassian's unfortunate mood would clear up on its own. When it did not, he determined it was time to have a talk with his human. Knowing these things had to be addressed delicately, K-2SO started with the obvious. “You are not happy.” “I'm fine, Kay.” Cassian did not look up from his datapad. “No,” K-2SO observed, “You are not.” “It's fine.” Cassian repeated. After a beat of silence, he added, “It's human stuff, Kay.” “I can listen to you talk about human things,” K-2SO offered, trying to be helpful. Cassian hesitated. He did that a lot, K-2SO had noticed, when K-2SO tried to help him with human things. It was almost as if Cassian questioned whether K-2SO was capable of helping with human things. (This thought was ridiculous, as K-2SO was quite confident he could run processes to analyze any human problem humans might have, and provide probabilities for success for each potential solution). Cassian apparently saw the sense in getting solutions and probabilities, because he decided to share about his current human problem. “Jyn's avoiding me.” Oh. Oh dear. It was a feelings problem. K-2SO hated those. There were often irrational components to them. Cassian had been having more of those sorts of problems as of late, which was slightly distressing. “She's upset with me,” Cassian continued, “But I don't know what I did.” “You did not do anything,” K-2SO tried to reassure his human. He had seen other rebels do this when they were upset about human things. “Jyn Erso is moody and unpredictable. That is Jyn Erso's problem, not yours.” K-2SO quietly congratulated himself for knowing the proper code humans used in these types of situations. Cassian, however, wasn't assuaged. “I asked Bodhi about it. He said he didn't want in the middle of it. After we left, something happened, Kay. Have you talked with Jyn since then?” Technically,K-2SO had not spoken with Jyn. K-2SO had, however, sent a communication to her. It struck K-2SO that he might know what happened. This was frustrating. He had calculated that, by now, Jyn Erso was a friend. Friends, K-2SO understood, shared jokes. R2-D2 joked with K-2SO quite often (R2-D2 was one of the few droids who were K-2SO's intellectual equals). When K-2SO shared this particular joke with R2-D2, R2-D2 had found the joke so hilarious, R2-D2 played it on his human. He should have known that Jyn Erso did not have the intellectual capability to appreciate the joke the way R2-D2 had. “I sent her a joke,” K-2SO reported. “Perhaps she did not find it amusing.” Cassian became very still. “What joke?” “I sent her an annoying song,” K-2SO explained. When Cassian looked at him strangely, he elaborated, “The song is terrible, so it is amusing.” Cassian continued to watch him with that odd look. “Everyone else finds it amusing.” K-2SO considered the truth of that statement before amending, “Except C-3PO. But he is an inferior droid. He cannot throw people across a room, either.” Cassian shook his head once, blinked, and then asked, “Am I involved in the joke?” “I told Jyn Erso that you wanted her to listen to it,” K-2SO explained. “She might not have listened if it was from me.” Cassian rubbed his hands over his face. “What song, Kay?” K-2SO searched his memory banks and selected the right file. He picked up Cassian's datapad, transferred the file, and then keyed the machine to play. The obnoxious music started a moment later and K-2SO was treated to the look of horror on his human's face as the singer crooned in the background: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down... ~*~ Jyn, I'm sorry. Kay tried to develop a sense of humor and it backfired. No, that wouldn't work. Kay sent that message. I'll tell him not to message you again. No... It's supposed to be a joke. Kay was trying to be your friend. He didn't realize that song might have bad connotations for you. He means well.... Cassian continued to discard potential apologies in his mind as he knocked on Jyn's door. He unfortunately hadn't found a good one by the time the door slid open. “Jyn.” She swallowed as color appeared in her cheeks. “Cassian.” Neither of them said anything for several moments. Each second clicking past felt like hours. “Can we talk?” Jyn stepped aside and let him into her room. As he glanced around, he realized he hadn't ever been inside her quarters – not since she moved to the instructor rooms in the training hall. Despite the tiny room having a layout similar to his own, Jyn's seemed lived in. There was a 2D image printed on flimsy of Jyn and Bodhi tucked along the corner of the small mirror over the chest of drawers. He recognized the ugly green blanket on the foot of the bed as one Kay had draped over Jyn one night when they were outside and she wouldn't stop shivering (apparently Jyn had 'forgotten' to return it to the store rooms). There was even a small basket with cleanly laundered clothes sitting on her desk chair. “I know why you're here,” Jyn said as the door slid shut behind them. Cassian returned his attention to her. “Jyn, I-” “I've been avoiding you.” A touch of nervousness crept into her voice. He didn't know what to make of that. “The song...” he started. “Can I talk first?” She asked, interrupting him again. “Please. I'm awful at this and if I don't talk first, I won't say it.” When he fell silent, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Jyn opened her mouth, somehow managed to turn redder, and then shut it again. She hunched her shoulders, as if bracing herself for a hit. “I feel the same way.” That made zero sense. “The same way.” She nodded once. “I...I'm not good with...” Jyn waved a hand in the air as if that made sense. It didn't. There were many words that could be placed at the end of that sentence. “I never thought you.... And I didn't want to, to do anything to lose....” she waved a hand between them, looking slightly distressed. “I...” It occurred to him, suddenly, that he'd gotten the situation very, very wrong. Jyn did not realize that the message was a joke. Jyn was not, in fact, angry that he (or, technically, Kay) was insensitive. She thought he meant it – that he was using (quite terrible) song lyrics to confess feelings for her. Romantic feelings. On his way to Jyn's quarters, Cassian had thought this could not possibly get more awkward. He had been wrong. Because, of course, Cassian felt that way about her. He just hadn't planned on ever doing anything about it. He had dozens of reasons for that decision – because Jyn could do better; because Jyn would never return those feelings; because it would make things awkward in their tiny group of friends; because... “Jyn, I didn't send you that song,” he forced the words past his teeth. They hurt, but he had promised himself long ago that he would earn Jyn's trust. That he would be worthy of Jyn's trust. Lying to Jyn – again – would not promote trust. “It's a joke on base to send it to your friends. Kay thought...” Jyn's face was completely blank. Stop talking, Andor. You're making it worse. Just stop talking. “Kay thought you were friends. He doesn't understand...human things.” He saw her shoulders hunch up again. In a moment, Cassian knew, her eyes would go feral, because Jyn thought he was rejecting her. “But I do.” He added quickly as he reached out to touch her arm. He felt her flinch. Cassian let his hand drop. “Feel that way. About you.” Neither of them spoke. Cassian resisted the urge to study his boots. He knew his face had to be redder than Jyn's by now. He could feel the blood rushing to it. When he couldn't take it any longer, he said, “Please say something.” "I don't understand." Jyn said. "I didn't send the song," Cassian repeated. "But I do feel that way." “Why didn't you ever...” Jyn moved to wave her hand again. He caught it in his. Her eyes narrowed slightly, but she finished the sentence. “Say anything?” “Why didn't you?” He asked. Jyn considered the tiles on the floor of her room. “Because everyone always leaves.” “I'm not going to leave,” Cassian said. He let his fingers lace through hers. After a moment of silence, he answered her question. “I didn't think you'd....” When he trailed off, Jyn looked at their entwined hands, then back at him, daring him to finish the sentence. “Want that,” he said. “Want me.” Jyn contemplated that. “Oh.” She was silent for a moment before adding, "I do." More silence. Then, “Now what?” “I don't know.” He answered honestly. He didn't exactly do relationships - not real ones. Somehow, the games he played as Willix or Sward or Aach didn't seem appropriate. Not with Jyn. He didn't want to try to trick Jyn. “Oh.” Jyn said again. She tilted her head to the side slightly and studied him. Her gaze was intense; Cassian started to wonder what she was seeing. He was distracted from the thought when he felt her free hand reach behind his head. Her mouth brushed against his a moment later, almost feather light. She moved away slightly and whispered, “Is this okay?” How was that even a question? “Yes,” Cassian replied. “This is good.” “Good,” Jyn said. She kissed him again, properly this time. The last thought Cassian had was that, later, he would need to thank Kay for trying to be Jyn's friend. Notes: Forever and a day ago, the discussion was - Jyn gets Rick Rolled, but doesn't get the joke. Instead, she really loves the song; she thinks it's wonderful. I don't know why or how everyone lived. They just did.