So I'm getting older in age literally, emotionally and maturity...
So, I'm not saying when. But I'm getting older every day, and that number is about to tick up one more time. It's a closing chapter of my life, and this one actually sucked. At first, anyway.
This year was major, seemingly unending grief. I didn’t want to break up with my partner; I didn’t want what happened the following month, and I honest to God still don't know what I did because it came so out of left field.
That point? I'm done talking about it all, at least the narrative. I'm bringing it up because I've been reflecting on the last almost two years of my life. What matters to me, who matters to me.
For too long, way too long, I let the approval of others determine who I am. I would bend and break and stretch to be allowed to fit and matter to anyone who made me feel wanted. Being wanted has always been a problem for me. I've always known that deep down I was this way, and I tried to pretend and ignore that.
And that has come to bite me when the people I allowed to decide who I was decided I was some toxic, manipulative, cackling creature despite being in literally no position of power or influence to manipulate with. It's not even a belief deserving of my excellent, quippy sarcasm.
So, I'm deciding something now that I have this personal blog.
I am going to, for the record, tell you who I am. And I invite ANYONE who has known me to argue otherwise. Publicly, privately, it doesn't matter. Privately, I'm going to have a third-party witness though because I don't do blind trust anymore.
Because this year hasn't been about grief, or loss, or absence, or broken trust, or actually toxic and abusive dynamics that do not pertain to me.
No.
This year has been about discovering and deciding who I am.
I'm a "my word is my bond" type of person to an absolute fault: I seldom give it unless I mean it and am confident I can uphold it. If I tell you, "I'm betting money that this thing won't/will happen," I will actually send you the money. I don't place bets I think I'll lose, and so far that cash is still in my pocket.
I love my friends deeply, and I'm loyal to a fault. I always have but this year has deepened it for me. Once we're at a level where it feels genuine and mutual, you've got me for life.
This is a new one:
My relationship (platonic/romantic) is my relationship with you. It's not based on anything or anyone else. This is partly what my last partner hated. If I'm friends with you and Person B, and you get into a feud with Person B that has no bearing on my relationship with either of you. I learned this lesson earlier in the year. I went through two situations where my relationships with people were on the line, back to back. One time I had zero idea the stakes were that high, and there was no conversation or room for me to say anything when I did see what the stakes were on my own. And the other time was full of open and constructive communication. Not painless. Not easy. And it went on for days/a week(?). But constructive on both sides, and it led to stronger friendships with friends I already deeply cared for and cherished.
Someone may argue this, and if they do, then they don't know me and never did. But I am capable of being wrong: Will I be annoyed or have a stick up my ass after I admit it? Yes. Give me a day or so to let that feeling pass, and it's fine by me. There's nothing wrong with being wrong, so long as you can see it, admit it and take the criticism.
Here, watch. I'm going to do it right now. Which is admitting where I went wrong twice.
My friends were going through something incredibly difficult, and I abandoned them. I felt an emotional nuke in my chest being put in the middle of it while I was still going through my own incredibly difficult thing, and I tried to take what I felt and leave before it made the situation worse. But when I said I would be back was not when I came back—I broke my word, and I was wrong no matter my reasons for it. The reasons were good, but I could have done better and popped out to say I needed a little longer. But I didn't; I just let them hang in limbo.
That's a general and vague example because the specifics are very private and not all my story.
But when I came back, I was confronted about it, and rightfully so. I held myself accountable to each of them individually, and let them hold me accountable. I had my own grievances too, and they were heard and also acknowledged and accepted. And mutual, sincere apologies went all the way around the board. I literally hyperventilated and fell apart, and room was made for me to see and feel their pain and room for mine too. I didn't have to fight to be heard, or pull teeth. I'd never had that before, ever. It was awe-inspiring.
And it was going through that and being shown the difference between someone mature who genuinely loves me back and someone who did not that taught me to be a better friend and person. I'm still so ridiculously grateful to them for being willing to sit me down and talk to me about what I did, and invite me to do the same with them. I've learned I can trust them to tell the truth in love and give me room to change and grow.
Here's another thing I did wrong on a much smaller note:
When SWG first started, I was the worst mod. I had zero clue what I was doing, and my rejection sensitivity led to a whole lot of unnecessary tension and awkwardness for the first month.
I won't name names because those names don't need to be in my mouth. But I brought this up on my own back in September this year. And I was actually given the transcript again of what happened and was invited by my friend to see the criticism and where I fell short. And again, I was tense and short and cringed through most of it, but like no one is happy seeing and admitting they were wrong. But it went beyond that, and that friend let me try that transcript again as New Vert. Knowing what I know now, with all my growth and lessons and self-awareness.
And last but of course not least
And this is my first time talking about it beyond my friends, and I still hate talking about it:
I wanted to pay for art for a community project, even though the group had agreed to keep things volunteer-only. I got carried away by excitement and hope, and let that momentum outpace my judgment. My intentions weren’t resentful, manipulative, or about control—they came from a good place. But good intentions don’t make something right, and they don’t undo crossing a line. I won't dare attempt to justify it. It was wrong, and I've long accepted that.
I’ve accepted full responsibility and held myself accountable. I’ve also accepted the boundaries that were set and built my own in turn. I’ve minded my own business for months now—not out of bitterness, but out of respect. Respect for those boundaries, and respect for my own pain and healing. I’m not saying this to reopen old wounds, only to show that I can and do admit when I’ve been wrong—and I’ve learned from it.
It wasn’t easy. It still stings sometimes. But I’ve grown through it. I’m happy, I’m loved, and I’m more confident in myself than I ever thought I’d be. Some aches stay with you, but they stop steering your ship after a while—you learn to sail on anyway.
And plenty of good came from it. I’ve learned so much about myself, about friendship, about respect and balance and about what it means to grow past mistakes. And I’ve found new connections and genuine love in places I never expected.
I’ve also realized I’m apparently more likable (and somehow a magnet for people) than I thought. So, side note: if I ever missed someone’s attempt to reach out, it wasn’t arrogance—it was just me being oblivious.
My rejection sensitivity was high, my confidence was low, my emotions were all twisted out of sorts... Want some personal failings too?
It took me years to finally get to a dentist, and I did it last month.
My phone anxiety is almost crippling. I am STILL trying to find the energy within to call this hair place about lopping my ever-growing ponytail off.
My excitement for things will get in the way of my judgement, some of my judgement calls this year were borderline embarrassing at best.
My ability to adapt to change is awful.
I am emotionally unavailable and still figuring out coping mechanisms around it.
My executive dysfunction almost makes breathing a chore.
I finally started walking around my neighborhood instead of hiding every hour I'm not at work.
I have the attention span of a cross-eyed snail, focusing on a verbal conversation is anxiety in itself.
I skip breakfast and lunch, sometimes dinner too. Some days I go without eating at all (yesterday) and don't drink water; every day is a physical and mental freefall.
I've been on antidepressants for so long I am almost afraid of what I'll feel like without them.
I can be the clingiest person, and it'll go over my head until the person I'm clinging to either backhands me or pries me off. I've gotten better at being self-aware.
What, a compliment? I will fight you until you hate me and regret trying.
Rejection is my nightmare, I fear abandonment on a primal level—this year has been hell for that. That fear of rejection will lead to an ugliness I've gotten a much better handle on since the catastrophic events earlier this year.
And many, many more.
I can see where I need work and more improvement. I'm not above being corrected. Will I question and probe? Yes, because I want to understand. That's it. Not to be argumentative or defensive. If I'm explaining my side, it's still for the sake of better understanding.
But we will run into problems if I feel like you can't be wrong or corrected, or are overly defensive/argumentative.
Now that I've run myself into the ground on all my flaws and wrongs. I feel free to discuss the positives I see in myself and have become more confident in:
I am a very loyal friend. Once you've earned my trust, and we have that bond, you have me for life. Drop off the face of the planet, explode and leave, whatever. I've only ever said Never Again to two relationships in my entire life. One is my father; the other is an ex. All others can be recovered or reconciled at once or twice.
I am my friend's biggest hype-girl. Seeing them succeed and be happy feeds me.
Someone has said my emotional intelligence is incredible, and others say I'm very empathetic. So, I'm believing they aren't blowing smoke up my ass and agree.
I have the best witty quips and sarcasm.
Communication is paramount to me, and I've gotten much better in expressing my concerns or wants/needs to my friends and family. How many times over the last few months did I have deep anxiety about my friends but instead of spiraling and lashing out I simply reached out and asked and then was reassured very patiently and lovingly.
I'm a good writer, and I think I write characters very well. I also think I've gotten better at crafting a compelling plot.
Admittedly, I am still building up to believing and trusting I have good things about me.
So I asked my friend! 🥳
The eyes next to Rizzlord are me.
I did not think I was. Then I discovered and had to come to terms with my unbearable amount of rizz.
A curse, to be sure, because if you try to claim my rizz for yourself, you are in for a world of frustration and pain because I will be almost completely oblivious. Right over my head. Flirting is playful to me until it triggers my suspicion, and even if it triggers my suspicion, my chances of acting on it are slim to none.
Anyway.
Now that I finally finished this post, I'm going to go back to squirming in my chair to play Phasmophobia with my people! If you made it to the end, thank you for reading! It means the world to me that you cared enough to dive into this reflective and overly honest post about who I am.
That's me! Not whatever your picture of me is in your head. I'm only ever honest when I meet people, who you see/hear is who you get.
My friends who stayed, my new friends who weren't put off (looking at you, bitch ❤️🥹) have become so important to me. They believed in me when I didn't think I could come back from the pit I was in, when I believed I was a terrible person. I am honored they also choose to call me friend.
Have fun in your endeavors, I'm going to get strung up like a turkey in a diner tonight!
