for dawon, there were good days and bad days, and this one was sadly one of the latter. she felt alone, more than she’d like to admit. to her, it seemed the one constant she could count on was that nothing stayed the same for long. everything changed, causing her life to become increasingly unfamiliar with the passage of time. she needed someone to talk to, someone to vent to. she rose from her bed, taking a moment to rummage through her bag before removing the journal that rested inside. a subtle frown formed on her lips as she began to write, not bothering to wonder whether there was a point to any of it.
i miss you.
i think i’m becoming okay with admitting that now.
you’ve probably seen me on tv, right?
everything is so scary. i wish you were here. somehow, that always used to help.
it doesn’t feel like i fit in here. everything’s so unfamiliar.
a year ago, if you’d have asked me where i’d be now, i would have guessed at nova. with you.
i’m not sure how i feel about debuting without you yet. i don’t think it’s a thought i can get used to.
who knows? maybe i won’t have to get used to it.. there are so many talented people here.
it wouldn’t be surprising if i was the next to go, i don’t think. but maybe i’m being hard on myself.
i’m not even sure if this is what i want anymore. debuting... what’s so good about it?
all it means is less time with my friends and family, right? the ones i have left, anyway... but i guess that wouldn’t mean anything to you. it’s not like i’d be missing out by losing.
no, no... it’s more than that, i know. it’s just... hard. hard to adjust. hard to carry on.
why did you leave me? i needed you here, jiae. i still do.
it’s so hard without you. the worst thing is, i don’t even think you realized what effect this would have on me.
i thought i could move on. i thought i could forgive you with time. i thought i’d be okay.
i want you to be happy. there isn’t a single part of me that doesn’t want that. but i don’t think i can forgive you just yet.
i wish i could hug you. i wish you were here to tell me that things are going to be okay.
i miss you.
i’m saying this in case… i’m worried that you’ll misunderstand
this isn’t an INFERIORITY COMPLEX
▭ park kyung & yoo jiae
“you know, jiae, i always knew you had a thing for me.” the words are spoke with such a smug grin kyung almost wants to laugh at himself. leaning against a table they've set up behind the stage, his fingers taps against the plastic surface - watching her with amused eyes as she sneezes. again. “choosing a song like this, it’s basically a confession ya know? i’m honored really.” he's joking of course but he can't but tease the girl every chance he gets. she's one of the very few that actually respond to his comments with equal ( if not more ) fire - which is exactly what keeps their friendship alive.
their time to perform is almost up and unsurprisingly, kyung finds himself relatively at ease. he's not going up there alone and this certainly isn't his first time in front of a crowd. the only nerves that come from something like this is when he gets on stage and worries about fucking up a line or something like that. but just before a performance he's all jokes and basically anything but serious ( he considers that his charm. )
the two spend more time chattering amongst themselves, mostly talking about the performance and then other times when kyung starts picking at her again. ( “please don't sneeze on me when we're performing” )
when it's time to go up on stage, he shoots jiae a grin before shooing her in front of him and up onto the stage. “age before beauty.” he mutters, feigning innocence when she shoots him a look. the two take center stage and kyung whispers a quiet good luck to his partner before they begin introductions.
❝ inferiority complex ❞ begins and kyung’s already fixed himself into his stage persona - a playful grin naturally stretching across his lips and his mind set into a realm of relative seriousness. “aight~” his hands, careful not to agitate the mic, move along to the short drum beats at the beginning, pounding an invisible set as his head nods to the beat. he's already thinking of ways to make this performance interesting to watch and what better way than acting sickeningly cute?
jiae’s voice is unique and admittedly strangely appealing. her voice being one of the reasons why he agreed to do this, he found himself actually liking it surprisingly. and as much as he teased her about the song choice, it was no wonder she had picked it. the tone was perfect for her voice and his own provided a nice contrast, an interesting pair the two had made.
♪ ~ 빠라바빠빠
빠라바빠빠
빠라바빠빠
넌 모를 거야 내 맘을 ~ ♪
the man had began moving around the stage - a habit of his when performing, he found it impossible to stay still. he didn't know if this where all of his nerves went or what. his legs carried him closer to the crowd and the end of the stage, clapping his hands slightly in an attempt to get the crowd in involved. only when his verse came did he find himself looking back at his partner, pointing at her as he looked back and forth between her and the audience.
♪ ~ 너 지금 어딜 보는 건지
지나가는 쟤 쳐다봤지
쇼윈도를 보는 척하면서
눈은 왜 그리 돌아가니
그래 나보다 키 크고
어깨도 넓은 거 나도 보이는데
너가 그래버리면 더
비참해지잖아 ~ ♪
kyung mirrored jiae’s stance and placed his hands on his waist - shrugging his shoulders as her eyes scan over him from head to toe, appearing indifferent to further prove he in fact does not have an inferiority complex. acting like he is confident in himself and does not worry about other men, well at least that's his character in the song ( not too far off from reality admittedly ). jealousy was something he'd never admit, it simply did not exist in his vocabulary.
♪ ~ 어제 카페 그 알바생
앞에서 왜 그리 웃는데
내가 이상한 건지 너가 이상한 건지
몰라 궁금해 머릿속이 ~ ♪
a pout decorating his features, he moves closer to her so he can nudge her a bit with his elbow - dropping his arm to his side with a childish demeanor he's sure he'll get hell for later. as much as acting cute like this was embarrassing, he enjoyed embarrassing jiae ( to an extent ). and besides, that was the charm of the song.
at this point he allowed his eyes to roam the crowd, smiling at all of the couples and a few children playing amongst themselves in the spring festivities. at times like these he wishes he was younger so it would be socially acceptable to join them. he couldn't remember attending stuff like this when he was younger.
♪ ~ 빠라바빠빠
빠라바빠빠
빠라바빠빠
넌 모를 거야 내 맘을
하나만 물어볼게 차 있단
그 오빠 얘긴 왜 자꾸 해
뚜벅이가 뭐 어때서 어디든 가줄게
너 친구들 남자 친구 놈들
딱 들어보니 가식덩어리들
i told ya 남잔 늑대 순하디
순한 너에겐 위험해 yo
숨어 있어 내 울타리 안에
우리 사진으로 메신졀 프사해 ~ ♪
his fingers moved to form a picture frame, managing the mic between his fingers so the lyrics escape at a volume the crowd can hear. it wobbles when he brings it closer to his face and he panics. his eyes go wide for a moment as the mic threatens to fall and his voice cracks - cheeks going just slightest bit pink as he attempts to cover up his little slip up with a wink sent towards jiae.
♪ ~ 그걸 아는 사람이 그래
밀고 당길 땐 벌써 지났는데
내가 이상한 건지 너가 이상한 건지
몰라 궁금해 머릿속이 ~ ♪
the song was a bit repetitive, a fact that left him uncertain at first. especially as they began the pparaba’s once again. but he guesses that's the charm - it allows the crowd to sing along and it was one less thing for them to memorize. kyung saw jiae's allegories acting up again from the corner of his eye, taking the opportunity to get the crowd to move along with them in an attempt of a distraction.
his hands move from side to side, waving towards the crowd to tempt them to join in. a few do luckily ( thank god for not looking like an idiot ) and kyung allows his smile to grow as his voice begins. shaking his head, he looks at jiae before wrapping an around her shoulders - effectively squashing her against him as he looks over at her.
♪ ~ 혹시나 해서 말인데
오해할까 걱정인데
이거 절대 자격지심 아냐 아냐 ~ ♪
his partner’s sneeze left him in a fit of laughter as he turned his back to the crowd and made sure the mic didn't pick up his deafening laughter. the man turned just in time to catch the hand patting his back - his eyes widening as he realized what exactly she had just done. “oh my god, you did not just do that.”
months ago, there were many ways that she could answer the question. there was a multitude of answers, each holding certain amounts of truth to them—but she was only permitted to choose one thing. she could have thrown together entire lists of things that she disliked about yoo jiae; though most would have been entirely exaggerated, only serving the purpose of teasing the other girl.
now, however, her answer was far less complicated. while it was true that dawon felt a certain amount of animosity toward jiae following her departure, it was safe to say that she didn’t hate her. she only missed the way things used to be, when it felt like it was just the two of them against the world (primarily nova). she missed jiae’s adorable smile being the first thing that welcomed her home after a long day of work. she missed that cute little pout of hers that seemed to form almost all of the time. she missed the weird butterflies that she felt in her stomach every single time that she laid eyes on her.
but, most of all, she missed her.
“my least favorite thing about yoo jiae is that she’s gone.”
dawon felt trapped inside of a nightmare that wouldn’t end.
her training at nova went on as if nothing at all had happened, and it was one of the only things that had kept dawon from breaking down, if only for a little while. if she could lose herself in her practice, if she could shut her heart and mind off completely, then maybe, just maybe, she would make it. maybe then she wouldn’t have to deal with the departure of her best friend, and maybe then she could trick herself into thinking that she was happy.
but she wasn’t happy, and, for the first time in months, not even her training provided the solace that she so desperately sought. ever since signing with nova, throughout every moment, dawon had always felt as though she was waiting for something. she had always assumed that, soon enough, jiae would walk through nova’s door, making dawon the happiest girl in the world by surprising her with the news that she would be their newest trainee. she’d replayed the scenario in her head a million times, though it was now evident that it would never become reality.
what would she do without her best friend—without her luck—without her sunlight? the two should debut together, they were meant to debut together—but jiae was gone, and now dawon was forced to trudge ahead knowing that jiae would never be a part of her future. she would be forced to stay at nova on her own, only, now, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. her future was now devoid of all light, and each day she would come one step closer to darkness. nova could announce her debut tomorrow, but what good was debuting if it meant that she’d be debuting alone?
did all of this mean nothing to jiae? was this not the future that she desired?
she hardly remembers the rest of her training that day, her mind entirely elsewhere, dwelling on the reality that jiae would never experience any of this alongside her. no longer would dawon have the chance to show jiae the ropes of being a trainee, patiently helping her friend adjust to the difficult life in which she would live. those were the moments that she had looked forward to, and those were the moments that would never come to be.
as she approaches the door to what had once been their apartment, though it would now be hers and hers alone (along with meeko), she finds herself praying that everything that had happened up until that point had been nothing but a dream. she wants nothing more than to open the door only to discover yoo jiae sitting there on their stupid rug while eating a stupid bowl of cereal. she wants nothing more than to hear jiae’s complaints when meeko so eagerly showers dawon with love, despite the fact that it had been her who had taken care of the pup all day while dawon was away. she wants nothing more than to see her, as that would be enough to assure her that everything would be okay.
but, when the door finally opened, it was once again made clear that everything was not okay.
the apartment was desolate, and her sunlight was nowhere to be found.
not even meeko ran to greet her, given that she’d left him in the hands of junyeong until she’s able to concoct a more permanent solution for how he’ll spend his days while she’s at nova.
she lingers in front of the doorway for a prolonged moment, not wanting to face the cold reality that yoo jiae was actually and truly gone. in fact, she didn’t want to do much of anything.
and in that moment, nam dawon felt utterly alone.
unable to contain her emotions any longer, dawon storms further into the apartment, consumed by rage as she takes the rug in her hands before forcefully throwing it across the room. being destructive wasn’t going to solve anything, she knew, but she’d be lying to say that the venting didn’t help at all. before she’s able to process what she’s doing, she’s somehow already made her way to her bedside, tearing down the nova flyer that had once shone a beacon of hope, tears streaming down her cheeks as she tries to make sense of everything that she was feeling. was she feeling angry? dejected? both and more?
she’s unsure as to how much time she spent sobbing with her back pressed against her bed, though she doesn’t suppose that she’d care to know. a month ago, she would have scolded herself for wasting the time that could be put to better use practicing—but what was the point? she now knew with utmost certainty that she was doomed to fail. it wasn’t like she’d make it on her own, so why bother at all? now, everything felt pointless, and there was absolutely nothing that she could do that could ease her thoughts.
it feels as though she’s there crying for an eternity, though, when her tears finally subsided, she’s only sitting there for a few moments before she’s pulling herself back onto her feet, eagerly searching for the journal that she’d all but forgotten with time. she's determined to record her feelings, partially to vent, and partially to ensure that she never forgets them. with any luck, which she’s been in short supply of lately, she’ll never have to go through something like this again—she’ll never have to experience heartbreak like this again.
when she finally locates it, she draws in a deep breath before flipping it open to the first page. perhaps this was the push that she had needed to finally feel motivated enough to keep a journal, though she wishes that it had been better circumstances that had brought her to this moment.
and so she pours her emotions out onto the page, refusing to hold back as she possesses no need to. there were times in which the tears would threaten to cloud her vision, making it difficult to see, but she manages to persevere despite this. in a way, writing so freely helps her to feel slightly better, even if it hardly made a difference.
you’re gone.
you left yesterday, but i don’t think it hit me until now.
i came home expecting to see your smile, but it wasn’t there. you weren’t here.
why? why did you leave? why did you abandon me?
is it selfish of me to think that way?
if the shoe were on the other foot, i wouldn’t have left you. not after so many promises.
although, the more i think about it, the less i remember if you made the same promises to me. did i imagine the whole thing? did i force my wishes upon you? did i put too much weight on your shoulders?
did you leave because of me?
or, better yet... if i had confessed my feelings, would you have changed your mind? would you have stayed with me? or would i have made a complete fool of myself?
i cared for you more than you cared for me, right? isn’t that why i’m in this situation? isn’t that the reason that you’re gone?
i don’t want to resent you. not after everything that you’ve done for me. but i just... i can’t understand why you had to go. was i not enough? was our friendship one-sided?
no... you aren’t that selfish. it must have been hard for you to leave, right? or was it easy?
i was in love with you, damn it... did you even know? was it that difficult for you to see?
i hate you, yoo jiae. but i can’t help but love you, too.
and i miss you.
adapt or die.
but how can she ever hope to adapt when it feels as though she’s dying?
when she’d gotten word of the monthly evaluations, the excitement had begun to build up within her almost immediately. in dawon’s opinion, slow songs and ballads were definitely her strong suit, and the opportunity to privately show her coaches for the first time since her audition would not be taken for granted. in a way, she almost hopes to show them that this is the type of performance that she’s built for—this is the type of performance that truly showcases her talents and strengths.
this time, however, she’d be sure to show them a different side of her. during her audition, she’d performed a powerful ballad that seemed to be full of nothing but high notes, and she still hasn’t forgotten the advice they offered her that day. high notes aren’t the only thing that she’s capable of, and she can only hope that the performance that she and ricky had arranged will be enough to finally show them that their input hadn’t been lost on her.
she feels comfortable, perhaps even a little too comfortable, but it makes for a welcome change. she’d spent the first quarter of the year lying to herself, and, even if she may not feel entirely ready to make the truth known to others just yet, finally accepting her feelings for yoo jiae had granted dawon a sense of clarity. there were more bridges to cross, she knows, if she expects to be truly happy, but in no way does she feel confident in rushing things. besides, it’s doubtful that jiae would ever like her in the same way, so being in touch her own feelings would likely be the greatest victory that she’ll ever receive.
that now our dreams
they've finally come true
after many years spent practicing with her grandfather, singing in english was something that she’d grown used to, even if she had only recently started to grow familiar with learning the language itself. it especially helped in situations like this, where she considered her pronunciation to be extremely important, though she still finds herself praying that she won’t slip up and make a mistake; especially given that she’d tried to help ricky with his pronunciation as well. he was doing a good job, from what she could tell, though it was possible that she was simply biased.
city of stars
just one thing everybody wants
there in the bars
and through the smokescreen of the crowded restaurants
it's love
yes, all we're looking for is love from someone else
she can’t resist the smile that forms on her lips as she sings, the joy from performing a song such as this one impossible to ignore. the song was certainly one of dawon’s favorite recent releases, even if she had yet to sit down and watch the movie that it was from. at least it was on her to-do list, though not even she’s fully convinced that a to-do list will make much of a difference. still, regardless of her tendency to procrastinate when it comes to getting around to watching movies that she’d most likely enjoy, the song’s charm had proved impossible to resist, and she was instantly made into a fan.
(a rush,) a glance
(a touch,) a dance
a look in somebody's eyes
to light up the skies
to open the world and send it reeling
a voice that says, i'll be here
and you'll be alright
it’s her favorite part of the song when the two of them sing together, and she can’t help but feel as though she and ricky are doing the song justice. maybe she’s a bit too confident this time, given that she’s performing alongside another trainee, but she believes that she deserves to feel confident for every now and then. dawon is still struggling to keep up with some of the other trainees in regards to her dancing ability, so the comfort brought on by simply being able to sing was much-needed.
i don't care if i know
just where i will go
'cause all that i need is this crazy feeling
a rat-tat-tat on my heart
she’s grateful for the opportunity to perform alongside ricky, given that the last time she’d gotten to perform with another nova trainees was back in october when she’d performed with the rest of the nova girls. the further they get into the performance, the more that dawon is forced to recognize the fact that their practice had definitely paid off. we make a good team, she silently thinks to herself, and deep down she hopes that one day they’ll be able to perform together once more.
standing on the stage, dawon’s can’t help but wonder why they hadn’t done something like this before. at this point, she’s known jiae for two years, which was plenty of time for the two of them to get together and perform something in front of an actual audience. they both had exceptional voices, which should make them more than capable of impressing an audience together, so what’s taken them so long?
rather than dwelling on how long it’s taken for the two of them to perform together, however, dawon opts to simply revel in the fact that this is finally their time. they’d finally join forces and show everyone exactly what they’re made of. they’d be able to showcase their talents to the world—or those attending the festival, at least. it wasn’t anything compared to something like the mgas, but at least it was a start.
despite the fact that she’s somewhat used to performing in front of an audience (even if her previous performance with hoseok was the first time she’d performed in months), dawon can’t help but feel slightly nervous. it had nothing to do with the performance, however, and more to do with yoo jiae. dawon has only just recently accepted the fact that she might just be in love with the girl, though she’s trying to live comfortably and deal with it as she would with any crush.she simply wishes to keep the whole thing a secret.
(Yeah!) Ai~
콧노래 흥얼거려 나나나
나 오늘따라 조금 예뻐
BeBe ah~ BeBe ah~
Party like that I’ll be right there
the music begins, it’s finally time to put her nova training to the test. they’d prepared a choreo to do with the song, and, although dawon wasn’t entirely used to singing and dancing in front of an audience, she figures that she’ll have to adapt to it eventually. the song is fun and upbeat, so she can only pray that it’d suit the both of them well (though she likes to think that anything could suit yoo jiae well, so it definitely wouldn’t be too much of a travesty).
오늘 난 너의 귀요미 되고 말거야
BeBe ah~ BeBe ah~
부기부기 달콤한 상상
난 니 맘 몰라 (두근두근)
어떡해 정말
so far so good, she thinks, and she’s determined to keep that mindset throughout the entire performance. now wasn’t the time for mistakes, not even tiny ones, even if everyone who could see properly would most likely have their eyes glued to jiae the entire time. dawon was still determined to turn this into a perfect performance, no matter how difficult that may prove to be, so that maybe, just maybe, someone in the entertainment business would finally notice jiae’s talent. could there be a scout in the audience now, just as there had been one at the summer camp? it was wishful thinking, but dawon couldn’t take any chances.
이상해져 BeBe 떨려와서 BeBe
나 심각해 넘 어지러워
어쩜 그리 (완벽한 거니 잠깐)
내가 보이니 (나는 어떠니)
너의 입술이 말해 주기를 바래
she’d be lying to say that she didn’t see the humor in it. normally when singing a song such a this one, her mind would fill itself with thoughts of yoo jiae as she finds herself relating the lyrics to her own situation. but now, she was performing it with the girl. her mind was no longer forced to simply envision her, since she was standing on that very stage, singing the same exact song alongside her. normally, dawon tried her best to make it seem like she was singing to the audience—but what should she do if she felt as though she were singing to the one she was performing with?
눈치가 없는 거야 관심 없는 거야
도저히 모르겠어
부기부기 달콤한 상상
터질 것 같아 (두근두근)
어떡해 정말
it’s difficult to focus on her vocals and her dancing simultaneously, but she likes to believe that she’s doing a decent job at it. without her time spent at nova, for dawon to do something like this could have easily been ruled out as being impossible, though she’s lucky enough to have at least somewhat adapted to the company’s dancing requirements. even with that being so, however, in her opinion she wasn’t improving fast enough.
이상해져 BeBe 떨려와서 BeBe
나 심각해 넘 어지러워
어쩜 그리 (완벽한 거니 잠깐)
내가 보이니 (나는 어떠니?)
너의 입술이 말해 주기를 바래
she enjoys performing with jiae. the girl could easily be considered to be her best friend, even if dawon had secretly started wishing for them to become something more. one day, she hopes that they can perform like this all of the time, which shouldn’t be the least bit difficult once they’ve both debuted under nova entertainment. once again, it’s wishful thinking; but, without wishful thinking, would dawon have ever made it this far?
얼굴이 화끈화끈 또 살금살금
(다가가 난 몰래)
Yes or no (한마디로) 애써
널 (보채긴 싫지만)
이상해져 BeBe 떨려와서 BeBe
she knows that the song will soon be drawing to a close, but she tries not to dwell on the thought. instead, she wants to enjoy the moment, memorizing each and every detail of a performance that she knows that she’ll remember for a long time. for a brief moment, she averts her eyes from the audience and manages to catch a glimpse of the woman of the hour. although she’d already seen how cute the girl was before the performance, dawon’s unable to resist as the corners of her lips shift upward ever so slightly.
이상해져 BeBe 떨려와서 BeBe
못 참겠어 큰일나겠어 (큰일나)
(이젠 말해줄래 나도 말할게) 내개
(찜했어 너를 I got a boy) 찜했어 너를
어쩜 그리 (완벽한 거니 이젠)
내가 보이니 맘에 든 거니
너의 입술이 말해 주기를 바래 (말해)
(잘났어 정말 I got a boy) Yeah!
and then, just like that, it was over. an accomplished grin forms on her lips when she looks over to jiae, an unshakable sense of pride suddenly taking over. while she may not have been in the audience to see for herself, she’d be lying to herself to claim that they were anything less than great, especially since someone as great as jiae had been performing.
“you too,” she quickly notes, her breathing still not entirely back to normal after a somewhat tiring performance. light laughter escapes her at jiae’s comment, and she knows not to argue—especially since she actually agrees with what jiae was saying. “just a little bit?” she questions humorously, imitating the way that jiae had pinched the air. “i think i’m okay with that.”
she then takes to following jiae off of the stage, a soft smile still present on her features.
spring. it was possibly her favorite season of the year (though the same could be said about the other three seasons as well), and the opportunities that it’d bring were already beginning to reveal themselves. for someone who loved to sing, it was disappointing that she hadn’t been able to perform in front of an audience that wasn’t composed of her coaches or fellow trainees since the summer camp—but this was her chance to change that.
while her performance had only taken place last summer, it feels almost as though an eternity has passed. singing is an escape for dawon. it’s something that helps distract her from everything that she doesn’t want to deal with. for the first time in a long time, she’d have the chance to devote her time to a performance that wasn’t just to show off her progress to her coaches; she’d finally have a rare chance to perform with her friends.
the opportunity to perform with hoseok was impossible to pass up, and dawon had no intention whatsoever to let the season go by without covering something with him. luckily, it didn’t take much time or effort for the two of them to decide on a song, and practicing the performance proved to be just as fun as any moment spent in hoseok’s presence.
a cheerful smile naturally makes its way onto her lips when the music begins, anticipation for their performance quickly building within her. we’re going to do great... especially hoseok. they’ve only known each other for a few months, but dawon has grown to have tremendous faith in the boy. he may not see in himself what dawon sees, especially given his inability to secure a contract with kt or royal (which dawon still believes was their loss), but the potential within him certainly makes him a force to be reckoned with.
Don’t know why 나도 몰래 자꾸만
니 생각하면 미소 짓는 이
런 내 모습 어색해 고갤 돌려
dawon’s cheerful expression never falters as she begins to sing, not even for a moment, the joy of performing again arguably making her happier than she has been in months. she playfully shakes her head to match with the lyrics, laughter threatening to rise from within her a moment later. it’s easy to resist, however; she's become used to this sort of thing.
떨리는 두 손 꼭 잡고
널 사랑한다 말할까
why is it that, even though she’s rehearsed time and time again, the lyrics of the song never inspired thoughts within her until now? they’re thoughts that she doesn’t want to dwell on, thoughts that she wishes she were capable of ignoring. she’s thinking of her again. yoo jiae. why was it that this always happened? maybe i just need to stop singing love songs.
가슴이 뛴다 나 또 아무 말 못하게
가슴이 뛴다 넌 또 날 지나쳐가네
in an attempt to distract herself, she simply tries to live in the moment, thinking of how she and hoseok’s voices sound good together. maybe someone will even record this and show it to hyun bin. it’d be nice to have another familiar face at nova. whether or not hoseok would even be interested in that kind of thing was anyone’s guess, but it was a nice thought.
이제와 단지 추억일 뿐이라며
이대로 보낼 순 없어
I’ll be there for you, my love
why is it that i choose to completely shut those thoughts out? it’s not like i’d be hurting anyone, except maybe myself. even if yoo jiae doesn’t feel the same way... that doesn’t have to change the way that i feel, right? am i worried because she’s a girl? am i worried that she’d find out? it’s not like i haven’t hidden crushes before... so why am i choosing to ignore this side of me completely? why should i feel obligated to ignore my feelings?
the more that she thought about it, the more stupid she felt. did it really make sense to ignore the fact that she may actually like jiae as more than just friends simply so that she could avoid getting hurt when ignoring her feelings altogether hurt her just as badly? sure, things could end badly if she chooses to acknowledge her feelings, but since when was it a good idea to never take risks? it was a risk to sign with nova, yet she’d taken it all the same; how much regret would she be feeling right now if she hadn’t taken that risk? how much regret would she feel later on if she decides not to take this risk?
Don’t know why 나도 몰래 자꾸만
니 생각하면 미소 짓는
이런 내 모습 어색해 고갤 돌려
for the first time since january, dawon allows herself to dwell on the thought of what it would be like if she were to have a crush on jiae. things in the apartment would be different, but, thanks to nova, she considers herself to be rather experienced when it comes to adapting. the idea alone is enough to turn what had become a faux smile into something more genuine, the lyrics suddenly shifting into words that she can relate to.
떨리는 두 손 꼭 잡고
널 사랑한다 말할까
thinking this way... it feels... nice. would she have the courage to make her feelings known to jiae one day? acknowledging her feelings was one thing, but confessing them was another. it’s pleasant to hope that she’ll one day be able to share these thoughts with jiae, but just because she has hope doesn’t mean that she has the courage. with time, maybe she’d be able to say something, but... it just felt so scary.
가슴이 뛴다 나 또 아무 말 못하게
가슴이 뛴다 넌 또 날 지나쳐가네
thinking back on the past, she should have seen this coming. even on halloween, she’d inexplicably found herself yearning to do something as simple as holding jiae’s hand. how long have these thoughts been resonating within her without her knowledge? deep down, she can’t help but wonder if she’s always known. how could she have been so blind to her own feelings?
이제와 단지 추억일 뿐이라며
이대로 보낼 순 없어
I’ll be there for you, my love
as the song draws to a close, a soft, genuine smile forms on her lips. going into the performance, she’d expected it to provide a healthy distraction from the feelings that she wasn’t yet ready to face. instead, it had only served as the push that she needed to convince her to stop running away from those feelings. she can’t help but wonder: why hasn’t she accepted this until now? being in love wasn’t a bad thing, was it? why had she treated it like it was?
even if they couldn’t be together, dawon realizes that she can’t continue to pretend that her feelings for jiae are nonexistent. there was something there, and she can only hope that one day she’ll have the courage to reveal it to the other girl.
no matter how often she tried to look forward, there was always something out of her control that seemed hellbent on forcing dawon to relive her past. the past was, to say the least, something that the girl hoped to put behind her once and for all. while there had been a time back during her audition when she was certain that her past was less of a liability and more of an asset, that time was now far behind her, stripped away by her constant pressure to improve. and other things.
other things such as old feelings rising to the surface once more. the last time she’d faced such feelings, dawon had been met with nothing more than heartbreak and embarrassment, and she’d be damned to let history repeat itself. yet, even so, she’s unable to shake her from her mind. how content she feels in her presence, how happy; they weren’t the same person, so what was there to be worried about? well, in dawon’s mind, the possibility of rejection was a big thing to worry about.
the memo that she’d have to return to blonde hair had proved itself to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. while it had been nothing major, given the fact that she did actually like the color, returning to the way things were was a feeling that she’d been growing sick of lately. she’d be lying to say that she wasn’t afraid; why wouldn’t she be? if history did, in fact, repeat itself, surely that could only mean an even greater amount of tragedy would soon follow. who would suffer this time? who would be to blame?
well, in dawon’s mind, she’d most certainly be the usual suspect. why wouldn’t she be?
the girl feels no shortage of apprehension towards her uncertain future, and she makes a promise to herself that she’ll do anything in her power to change it. if the world seems determined to throw her back in time, she’d only have to push forward that much harder. she’d have to keep moving forward, with her eyes on the future, trying her best not to dwell on the possibilities of what could and what most likely would go wrong.
she’d have to adapt or die.
no, she’d have to adapt or dye.
and she was tired of adapting (for now), and adapting to blonde hair wasn’t exactly something that she looked forward to. it wasn’t much, but it was most certainly a start. a start towards what she could only hope would prove to be a desirable future. there were impending battles ahead, of that she’s certain; though she’d simply have to make her way through each of them... or at least go down swinging. nam dawon wasn’t the type to go down without a fight, and she had absolutely no intentions of starting now.
“thank you, hoseok,” she states in appreciation, the corners of her mouth rising into a wide and ecstatic grin. “you know, i’d say it looks even better than the first time you did it! i know you didn’t have to help, but you did... so, thank you.”
