While a lot of people are posting their gratefulness to the year has been, I on the other hand can't fully express my thankfulness. Half of my year has been really tough. I never thought that I was able to handle such burdens. It seems like I am too young to handle everything in my shoulder. Every aspect of my life burst like a balloon filled with water that splashed directly on my face.
My family is just small. I only have my mom, sister and my late auntie who raised us up. Unfortunately, she left us suddenly. Her passing is like a punch on my heart that until now aches so badly. She has been our pillar eversince. I relied on her so much emotionallly, spiritually... especially during the times that we discovered that my mom has cancer this year. I never thought that she will be gone too soon. Lots of regrets is in my heart right now. I should've learned more from her and I should've have showed her how much I care for her. But yes, regret is always at the end.
With all these load in my luggage, I am already at the verge of breaking down. I was suicidal... meaning having the thoughts of ending my life and the eagerness to die. I've been anxious on everything bad that might happen again. People around me haven't notice I guess since I am putting a good show of being positive and happy like I was before. It is so difficult for me since I can't cry anymore and this is the time that I need to be strong. Up until now I am still lost. Everything's piling up- financially, emotionally, psychologically. I know I am the one who can only help myself at this point in time. I thought that if I die suddenly, who will look after my mom? Thoughts are still there but I am fighting that demon inside.
There are a lot of times that I want to be alone. I've been pushing away friends who try to reach out and also I am avoiding talks about my aweful life. I became anti social but I am hating the feeling of being without anyone or anything else.
Up until now, I am fighting my own battle with life. I am trying my best to put on a smile and be positive. My relationship with Him has been shattered too and I don't know how to keep up again. I feel ashamed to reach out since I neglected His presence. Spiritually, I am so lost.
This might sound cliche but I wish that 2018 will really be good to me. I am so tired now and I want to lessen the weight I am carrying. Wishing everyone who's struggling the same as me to keep up with life too. Happy New Year, everyone.
