26. what emotion do you feel most often?
I’m going to apologise here - first for taking so long to respond and secondly for my answer. WARNING ANGST AHEAD!!! And to answer your question…I feel sad.
I’m Right Where I Should Be
AO3
Sometimes it felt like he wasback in that car again. Drowning. Helpless. Sad.
Sad. It didn’t seem to be a bigenough word and yet lately, it dripped from him. Burying him under a pile ofanxiety and self-hatred. A sadness he didn’t know how to stop.
Some days were good, a smile fromhis husband was all that was needed to break the cycle and yet others, thatsame smile looked tinged with disappointment and pain, the sadness would threatento swamp him even with Aaron by his side.
He spent time hiding in plainsight. No one paid much attention to him and he discovered he liked it best thisway.
He didn’t want all eyes on him.
Didn’t want to be judged. Hepunished himself enough, he didn’t need other people to join in on the party.
He promised to get help, but eventalking about it didn’t make it better. There was just pain and sadness andfear.
If it wasn’t sadness, it was thefear that got to him in the darkness of their bedroom, laying there listeningto his husband’s soft snores.
It should have filled him withpeace, instead there was only white-blinding fear, that lit up the darkness inits ferocity.
It would end. Eventually he wouldcome to know too much, be unable to forgive too little and his world wouldleave him.
There would be no more softsnores, no more quiet nights snuggled on the couch, and no more sad smiles thatflowed with understanding.
Just smiles that didn’t reacheyes, anger and fear and loathing.
And there would be nothing, butthe sadness and the void of knowing what he’d had before but would never haveagain.
He’d promised to try though, sohe would because he owed at least that and more.
But who was counting.
Oh right, he was.
“Robert?” she asked, she had kindeyes and a gentleness to her that made him want to scream. “Would you like totell me why you’re here?”
“Because I made a promise to myhusband and I don’t know how to be the kind of person that keeps them. I don’twant to lose him, but I’m not even sure if I deserve him anymore, in fact Iknow I don’t,” Robert whispered, picking at a scab on his hand he’d gotten whenhe punched the wall outside the Mill.
Ignoring his words, she noddedtowards his hand, “How did you get that?”
“Anger. I wanted to feelsomething other than drowning sadness and pain seems to work for my husband,”Robert said, folding his arms and hiding his hands from further scrutiny.
“What did he say?”
Robert smiled, but he knew it wasjust facsimile of the real thing, his brain remembered how, but his chestdidn’t. “He got pissed. Told me to stop being a selfish asshole and that I knewbetter than to go down his path.”
“And do you know better, Robert?”she questioned.
“I don’t know anything.” Robert heldhimself tight.