Attentive Parenting
I was asked to write about how I show my kids that they can come to me anytime. Since they were little I told them and tried to show them that they can come to me with everything and at any time. It's important to talk and react age-appropriately. Being on eye-level with them, touching them while they are talking (their hand or shoulder), taking them on my lap, if they want, not interrupting them and really, whatever it's about, being honestly interested and wanting to take part in their thought-world is very important, too. It doesn't matter, if it's understandable for me. What matters in this moment is only that the situation or the topic concerns my child, frightens them, makes them furious or happy... I then tried, if possible, being there for them instantly. If it wasn't possible, I asked them to stay with me and wait for a second. In an acute case I put aside everything else to listen to them and appreciate them with all their feelings. Tried to comfort them, give them a hug, laugh with them, ... whatever was needed just in this moment. Being aware of and appreciating a person's emotions doesn't mean accepting and endorsing everything. There lies a big difference. Accepting your counterpart's feelings means accepting them as a human being, with all their emotions and facets. And in my experience this is an important cornerstone in common development; that both parties, kids and parents, learn to endure those feelings. Feelings they're entitled to. By trying to talk them away, belittle them ("Oh, it's not that bad"), or compensate with candy ("You want a piece of chocolate, you're gonna be much better then"), watching TV or playing video games you can easily and quickly ensure silence but you convey to your kids that it's not okay for them to have their feelings. It's SO important that children learn to deal with emotion, enduring feelings and then being able to think clear again and feel the self-efficacy. That means, the kid perceives themselves as capable, they themselves have the possibility to find solutions. And the older they get the more they can grow and the stronger they become concerning their abilities to deal with conflict and find solutions. In a period of calm (at home) I tried to include self-responsibility in our conversations. Which becomes more and more important, the older the children get. We discuss a lot with our oldest kids and we're really open with each other. Our kids also know that they have to expect consequences when they really screw up or don't keep up their side of an arrangement. Because you contribute something to every situation in your life. It's important that they are able to recognize what's their part of responsibility, or which possibilities they have to better things for themselves, so maybe it will work better or differnt the next time, and so their anger and frustration doesn't have to be so bad anymore. Because underneath frustration and anger there are usually other feelings, like fear, humiliation, slight or hurt. I want to be completely honest: all of that is sometimes really incredibly hard. And it can happen that I don't react pedagogically valuable and lose it. Thank god they still come to me. I think until now it's been working because my children experience me as an honest but fallible person. When I'm close to myself again I resolve the situation with the concerned kid and also tell them honestly what was triggered in me. So my kids have seen through all those years together that I have issues, too, but I'm willing and determined to work on them. Sometimes it works better than other times. But in every case it pays off to "clean out" and work on my "backpack" piece by piece.