kal and i have decided to just be friends (MUTUAL DECISION, before some dipshits try to be funny about it) and tbh it's given me a lot of insight about my sexuality as an aroace-spec person
i should have realized i was aroace-spec long before my actual realization which was 2ish years ago. yeah kal and i's relationship was recent but when i look at the history of my relationships both romantic and queer-platonic, there's a pretty evident pattern.
almost all of them are intiated by the other person. my relationship with my ex femme, with kal, my first ever qpr, and some people who simply just told me they had more than platonic feelings for me were all told and started by them. that's not to say i didn't care or didn't feel the same way for everyone - because it is true and it's also not. some people i did have a lengthy relationship with and some i still remained friends with after confession until separation i absolutely still cared for in a way that fit the feelings i felt for them.
but the funny thing is, most of these relationships were ended by me. sickly ironic, huh?
i've always had a complicated perspective on commitment. i have mixed feelings on marriage and i genuinely and truly do not want to have children. i feel very burnt out easily by being demanded by someone who is supposed to take care of me too. i do not want to be a caregiver long time for any living being. i do not want someone to depend on me for everything.
i also cannot sympathize with anyone who cannot stay single. maybe that's because i deeply value my freedom and independence, but also being dependent on someone ruins the person i want to be. i want to be able to sustain and live by myself. i cannot do that with another person.
however, that isn't to say that i wouldn't change my mind if circumstances were different. i know it's cliche for an aromantic/asexual person to "find the right one" but if the possibility of that happens to me does or doesn't - i wouldn't mind either way
i think, just for now, i am happily single from both romantic and queerplatonic relationships and will be for a very long time. unless something changes. i am proud to be aroace-spec, always
