Writing Notes: The 4 Kinds of Love
Rollo May, in his 1969 book, "Love and Will," identified 4 kinds of love in Western tradition.
A biological function that can be satisfied through sexual intercourse or some other release of sexual tension.
Although it has become cheapened in modern Western societies, “it still remains the power of procreation, the drive which perpetuates the race, the source at once of the human being’s most intense pleasure and his [or her] most pervasive anxiety” (May, 1969, p. 38).
May believed that in ancient times sex was taken for granted, just as eating and sleeping were taken for granted.
In modern times, sex has become a problem:
First, during the Victorian period, Western societies generally denied sexual feelings, and sex was not a topic of conversation in polite company.
Then, during the 1920s, people reacted against this sexual suppression; sex suddenly came into the open and much of Western society was preoccupied with it.
May pointed out that society went from a period when having sex was fraught with guilt and anxiety to a time when not having it brought about guilt and anxiety.
In the United States, sex is frequently confused with eros.
Sex is a physiological need that seeks gratification through the release of tension.
Eros is a psychological desire that seeks procreation or creation through an enduring union with a loved one.
Eros is making love; sex is manipulating organs.
Eros is the wish to establish a lasting union; sex is the desire to experience pleasure.
Eros “takes wings from human imagination and is forever transcending all techniques, giving the laugh to all the ‘how to’ books by gaily swinging into orbit above our mechanical rules” (May, 1969, p. 74).
Eros is built on care and tenderness.
It longs to establish an enduring union with the other person, such that both partners experience delight and passion and both are broadened and deepened by the experience.
Because the human species could not survive without desire for a lasting union, eros can be regarded as the salvation of sex.
Eros, the salvation of sex, is built on the foundation of philia.
An intimate nonsexual friendship between two people.
Philia cannot be rushed; it takes time to grow, to develop, to sink its roots.
Examples of philia would be the slowly evolving love between siblings or between lifelong friends.
“Philia does not require that we do anything for the beloved except accept him, be with him, and enjoy him. It is friendship in the simplest, most direct terms” (May, 1969).
Harry Stack Sullivan placed great importance on preadolescence, that developmental epoch characterized by the need for a chum, someone who is more or less like oneself.
According to Sullivan, chumship or philia is a necessary requisite for healthy erotic relationships during early and late adolescence.
May, who was influenced by Sullivan at the William Alanson White Institute, agreed that philia makes eros possible.
The gradual, relaxed development of true friendship is a prerequisite for the enduring union of two people.
Just as eros depends on philia, so philia needs agape.
May (1969) defined agape as “esteem for the other, the concern for the other’s welfare beyond any gain that one can get out of it; disinterested love, typically, the love of God for man” (p. 319).
Agape is altruistic love.
It is a kind of spiritual love that carries with it the risk of playing God.
It does not depend on any behaviors or characteristics of the other person. In this sense, it is undeserved and unconditional.
Healthy adult relationships blend all four forms of love.
They are based on sexual satisfaction, a desire for an enduring union, genuine friendship, and an unselfish concern for the welfare of the other person.
Such authentic love, unfortunately, is quite difficult.
It requires self-affirmation and the assertion of oneself.
“At the same time it requires tenderness, affirmation of the other, relaxing of competition as much as possible, self-abnegation at times in the interests of the loved one, and the age-old virtues of mercy and forgiveness” (May, 1981).
Sources: May, R. (1969). Love and will; May, R. (1981). Freedom and destiny
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