Mike Wheeler: Emotions
Fandom- Stranger Things
Pairing- N/A (hints of Byler)
Summary- Since Holly was taken, Mike has been struggling with his internal thoughts and feelings. And he feels like he doesn't have a proper outlet.
Notes- I wrote this before Volume 2 of season 5 dropped because I wanted to explore Mike's character and how he was possible thinking in those first few episodes. And this was my first time writing for Stranger Things/Mike
Warnings- swearing, italics, there's Byler if you squint, Mike just doubting himself a lot, not proofread we die like Barb
Word Count- 2278
Everything was so loud yet completely silent all at once. Mike had just watched his mother be wheeled back for surgery. He’d had to hold Nancy back at one point so EMTs could get to her, so he had some of his mother's blood on his hands. His whole body felt like it was on pins and needles.
“-ike!” Lucas’ voice finally broke through his fog and he flinched, looking at his friend. Nancy had disappeared, likely to the bathroom. “What’s running through your mind right now, man?”
Mike swallowed, his tongue feeling heavy and his mouth feeling like it was full of cotton. What was he supposed to say? Everything was running through his head all at once, but no words were coming to mind about what he should even try to say. He couldn’t formulate a proper thought.
“I-” he cleared his throat at the way his voice trembled and cracked. “I don’t know.” At least that answer was genuine. He really didn't know what was running through his mind right now.
“Come on. Talk to me.” Lucas touched his shoulder and Mike actually flinched away.
“I just need a minute.” He quickly brushed past Lucas and headed towards the men’s room. He needed a moment to breathe.
He quickly shut the door behind him, locking it with shaking hands as he went to the sink. He couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror as he started scrubbing the blood from his hands.
You told her there was no such thing as monsters. He thought to himself as tears burned his eyes, scrubbing incessantly at his hands. And if it weren’t for this stupid crawl, you could’ve been there. You could’ve done something. Maybe Holly would be okay. Maybe mom wouldn’t be fighting for her life.
Tears streamed down his face as he rubbed his hands raw from trying to scrub the blood from them.
Mom could die. Holly’s missing. El’s in the Upside Down. Do you even know where Will is? Oh god, Will. Where is he? It didn’t go after him either, did it? Not again. You can’t even hold yourself together right now after mom and Holly. If Will is gone… Shit shit shit…
Mike just broke fully at that point. He stopped scrubbing at his hands and sank to his knees on the bathroom floor. He didn't care how gross it was. His legs couldn’t support him anymore and he just started sobbing. Quietly so no one would hear. He needed to be strong right now. He knew Nancy was older, but she also needed stability. Not to mention, he had to figure this out. Better to get everything out now and then shove it down until later.
After he was finished sobbing, he slowly lifted himself off the floor. And he finally forced himself to look into his own eyes. They were red from his tears and he looked tired. Exhausted. Because he was. But most importantly, he was looking at himself in a form of disgust. Even his dad had done something, and he rarely did anything. So what kind of man was he if even Ted Wheeler did more to protect them?
All he could think of was little Holly. How when she was first born, he wanted nothing to do with her. He was supposed to be the baby and suddenly she came into the picture. At some point, he’d learned to deal with her. Then as they both grew and he was forced to mature after everything he’d witnessed, he’d grown to care for his baby sister. He wanted to share the things that made him happy and see her safe and okay. And he’d failed.
And his mom. God, he’d been such a dick to her in the past. Constantly pushing her away when it was obvious she was the parent who loved him and wanted him to be happy. She always made it a point to be there for him, even when she had no clue what he was going through. She let him know he could open up to her, was patient when El had disappeared and he was a wreck, held him when the Byers had left for California and he didn’t know what to do with himself. And cradled him when he’d shown up from California when she’d been so worried. That was his mom and he’d failed her too.
The rest of the time at the hospital was a blur. He had a theory on Holly’s imaginary friend, Mr. Whatsit, and Nancy had devised a plan to get to their mom to speak to her about it.
And that’s when they learned that Mr. Whatsit was really Henry. Aka, Vecna. They knew it was time to reconvene with the others, to share what they knew and work on finding Holly and stopping what all was going on.
As Nancy turned to leave though, Mike hesitated. He moved further up the bed so he could quietly and more directly speak with his mom.
“Mom..?” He whispered, watching as his mom opened her eyes again to look at him. And despite her being dazed, upset, and in pain, she was able to flash a small smile. And seeing even a fraction of that smile of his mom’s filled his chest with a warmth he desperately needed right now.
“Hey. I’m…I’m so sorry, okay? I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Maybe, if I was, Holly wouldn’t be gone. And you wouldn't be hurt.” Karen shook her head a little, as if trying to say it wasn’t his fault. Or maybe that she wouldn't have wanted him there regardless, cause who knows what kind of injuries he could have sustained. “But I will fix this, okay? You focus on getting better. Nance, our friends, and me. We’ll get Holly back, I promise…” he leaned down and kissed her forehead, letting several tears slip down his face.
He was startled when he felt a slightly cold hand touch his cheek. He pulled away from his mom to find she’d used some of her minimal strength to reach up and touch her son’s face and wipe his tears. He closed his eyes and leaned into her hand, reaching up to hold her hand there. She gently pulled his head down since she couldn't move much and let her lips press to his forehead in return.
And he could understand so many words in that simple contact, even though she wasn’t talking right now. Be safe. Don’t be reckless. Look after your sister. Find Holly. You’re so brave. I’m so proud of who you’ve become. I love you.
He squeezed her hand gently before slowly pulling away. “Get some rest, mom. I…” Even with his family, it was hard to say. Mainly because they typically didn't say it to one another. But he took a deep breath and squeezed her hand again. “I love you, mom.”
She smiled again as he gently rested her hand back down and quickly followed Nancy out of the hospital room. She didn’t say anything. And even though they were acting like a candy striper and a patient, her hand on his back was a comforting thing nonetheless. Nancy always did remind him of mom.
— — — — —
When he, Nancy, and Lucas showed back up at the Squawk, he initially was worried about Dustin, given that he looked like hell. “Bike crash” was what he said. But Mike wasn’t stupid. That wasn’t any normal bike crash, yet he didn’t pry. Dustin obviously didn’t want to talk about it. Not to mention, Mike’s mind was still foggy and elsewhere. With his mom in that hospital room. And when Robin called everyone inside, and he saw Will…
Oh god, Will. He was there and he was safe. But at the moment, they were listening to Will talk about his connection to Vecna. And what they were planning to do to keep this next victim safe. In the chaos, it wasn’t until just before they set the Turnbow trap into place when they finally got to talk.
Mike was helping to pack some things, lost in thought again after contributing and helping to fill in any holes Will’s base had. When he jumped at the hand on his shoulder. He whipped around to find Will’s wide eyes just looking into his. Filled with too many emotions to count or decipher.
“Can we talk..? In private?” His voice was quiet and filled to the brim with worry. Mike nodded and followed Will upstairs and outside of the Squawk. And then to the roof where he’d reassured El just the afternoon prior.
They sat down near the edge and looked into the darkening sky, quiet for a while as they just sat in silence. It reminded Mike of the days early on, when Will had been almost completely nonverbal, save for a few hums of agreement or whines of disapproval. They’d never really needed words. Mike could read Will like a book when he tried.
“So.” Mike cleared his throat at the way it almost cracked. He and Will hadn’t had a one on one moment in a while. Not really since…god, Hopper’s cabin after they came back from Lenora. Ever since, they’ve been at school or focused on a crawl. Or with Mike’s family. “What is it you wanted to talk about?”
Will finally looked at him. God, why couldn’t he just smile? He’d been smiling so much recently and it warmed his chest to see the light in his best friend’s eyes again. The joy. But now, his eyebrows were furrowed. His wide eyes looked at Mike with worry. And his lips were pressed in a thin line like he was trying to formulate his words. And as Mike often had to do when with the other young man, he forced himself to look in Will’s eyes.
“How are you holding up?” He asked quietly.
“Fine.” Mike responded, almost too fast. Will gave him a look and scooted closer to him.
“Mike.” His voice was low and warm. And Mike wanted to fall into him. But he’d always been the one to keep himself together, no matter what. It was when Will’s hand rested over his that the dam cracked. “You don’t have to be strong right now. Not with me.”
And the dam broke. Mike broke down again, covering his eyes with his free hand. He heard Will sigh and felt him come closer. And when Will’s hand rested on the back of his head, he didn’t resist as he was pulled into him. He hid in his shoulder and clung to his jacket, sobbing so hard it was hard to breathe. And Will didn’t falter. One hand still rested over Mike’s while the other stroked through his curls.
“I wasn’t there, Will. This is my fault, I should have been there.” He choked.
“You can’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.” Will said quietly.
“But it is!” Mike snapped, immediately feeling guilty when he felt Will tense but not move away. “I’m sorry I just…Nancy was right. We should have told them the truth…”
Will was quiet, letting Mike just get it all out and continuing to stroke his hair.
“So many thoughts have been racing through my head since you warned Nancy. But one of the ones that stood out was…” Mike clung tighter to him. “I was scared for you…”
Will was quiet for a moment, his hand pausing in Mike’s hair. “Me? Why me?”
Mike pulled away, his face stained with tears as he looked into Will’s eyes. “Lucas phrased it in a more coherent way than my brain could awhile after we got to the hospital. But all I could think about was that night. I let you go home in the dark alone and I thought I lost you.”
Will’s eyes softened as he watched Mike try and breathe. “Hey.” He spoke quietly, squeezing Mike’s hand gently. “I’m okay. I hit my head when I fell. And I was uneasy and upset. But I’m safe, Mike. That night…it wasn’t your fault. Back then, we were kids. Kids who had no idea what could happen. You couldn’t have known that I would disappear. But with your help? Mom and Hop got me back. And it’s been you who’s helped every time. Even when we fight, even we struggle. You’ve always been there. And we are going to get Holly back. Your plan-”
“It’s your plan…” Mike shakily spoke and Will laughed and finally smiled. God, Mike loved his smile.
“Fine. Our plan. It’s going to work. We’re going to save Holly and the rest of the kids. And we’re gonna do it together.” They looked into each other's eyes and Mike nodded.
“Okay…” Mike choked out as he tried to wipe his tears. Will pulled his sleeve over his hand and helped.
“And hey. I know you’re supposed to be Mike the Brave and all? But crying and letting your emotions go around someone isn’t cowardice. In fact, I think it’s a very brave thing to do. And you’ll always have a safe space with me, you hear me?” Will smiled and Mike finally smiled back, nodding.
“I hear you.” His voice trembled and cracked and he just leaned into Will again, hugging him. Will held him close, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. Mike’s heart rate returned to normal. And his breathing evened out. And his eyes burned from the shed tears. But he was okay. He was going to be okay. They were going to save Holly and fix this. And Will was going to be at his side.
END
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