May 22, 2023
Kity and Oupy !
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Kity and Oupy !
Jesus Isn't Heroine (part 3)
You stop by a hardware store to pick up a roto-rooter. Behind the counter, French Stewart is chewing on a yoga mat. You shudder at the consideration that it might be previously used.
"Hey, you got a roto-rooter?" You ask. French Stewart ignores you as they nibble away. "Excuse me. Do. You. Have. A. Roto. Rooter."
French doesn't even look up.
"Be with you in a minute!" A voice calls from the back. Tony Hawk in a full leather apron strides towards you, holding a pricing gun. "Sorry about that, French is technically at lunch - but I have no one else to cover. Iggy Pop used to work here but left to open one of those wine and painting studio things. It's just south of here if you're interested!"
"No thanks, but good for him, I guess. Y'all got a roto-rooter?"
Tony strokes his chin. "Let me check the back."
After a few minutes - and half a yoga mat later - Tony wheels out what looks like the bastard child of a keg, one of Doc Oc's arms, and a solar cooker.
"Here ya go! It's nuclear-powered and cordless. Guaranteed to break up…well, anything," he says.
"Are you renting or buying?" "…well… how much to buy?" you ask.
"It's on sale for $139,999. I'll even throw in this sick apron and some heavy duty gloves."
While this is clearly out of your price range, it's a bargain for a nuclear reactor. You contemplate adding it to one of those Bird scooters before remembering that Rainey's shower is filling with sewage.
"Nah, I'll just rent. I'm just fixing my partner's shower."
"Oh, that's cool. If you get it back today I won't even charge you. Flooded showers are the worst!"
"Seriously," French says between bites. The progress he's made on that mat is genuinely impressive.
Tony wheels it out to your car as a gaggle of Gator fans make their way down the street. You can't help but overhearing their conversation:
"…so HE said, after that loss, we didn't have the guts to call."
"yeah…"
"…so I called in to his show."
"…to prove you had the guts to call."
"Right! Then he asks me why I'm calling. And I say 'you said we didn't have the guts to call, so I'm calling'."
"And what did he say to that?"
"Nothing, he wanted to know what I wanted to say, and I said, again, you said we didn't have the guts to call - so I'm calling to show we have the guts to call in."
"Hell yeah, I bet that showed HIM!!' Tony shakes his head. "Poor Gator fans. Ever since Florida flooded, they've been refugees. Between that and the bath salts resurgence, they've had a rough few years."
"AT LEAST THAT TRANSPHOBIC BIGOT DESANTIS DROWNED IN HIS OWN PISS AND SHIT!!" French shouts from the counter. Indeed, 2024 had its moments of joy. The fact that Elon Musk shot himself to Mars and died on the surface was also a bonus.
Giving Thanks, Day 15
Right now, I’ll give thanks when the Roto-Rooter guy finally arrives.
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Every time I scroll past this damn roto-rooter ad and it opens up in my browser pushes me closer and closer to the edge of my rage
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