#runaway's rambles

[foxflight]

(I wrote this the night episode 11 came out and it's been sitting in my drafts. I reread it while clearing out them out and decided to go ahead and post it anyway 🥺🤍)

David's speech to Ben absolutely broke my heart. You can tell from the way he was talking about it that this is something that he's been struggling with for a while. Like he said, he's thought about it 'every day.' As we heard in the bathroom scene in the episode before, Kristen and God are two of the most important things to him. I can't imagine just how heavily that has to weigh on his shoulders.

More than anything, I want him to be able to make peace with both parts of what he wants, wherever that ends up leading him.

As much as I adore Kristen and David's bond, I've always been perfectly okay with them just staying as they are. Honestly, a big part of me likes that idea just as much as the idea of them getting together. For David to throw away everything he believes in to get into a relationship with Kristen right now just feels...wrong.

If we had more seasons and watched him possibly find a way to still feel like he's honoring his promise to God while also being with Kristen, that would be one thing. But with the three episodes that we have left, I hope that they just stay as they are.

Because honestly, I've always thought that there was something really beautiful in what they have right now. They both know that they love each other. They both know that the other is one of the most important people in their lives. But they also know that with the way things are, a romantic relationship isn't in the cards for them. And that doesn't stop them from being friends. Both are still happy and grateful to have the other in their life. Because they do need one another. Even if it can only be just as friends. Maybe in the future, something will change. Maybe it won't. But either way, it's okay. Because they still have one another- and that's enough.

Through it all, the love remains. The love persists. It just ends up looking a little different than you'd think it would. And that feels super meaningful.

[foxflight]

Since the last season of Umbrella Academy comes out tomorrow, I just wanna take a moment to be thankful for Viktor Hargreeves. I love every member of the Umbrella Academy, of course. But Viktor is a character who just means so very much to me personally.

Many of his struggles have been all too similar to my own. From the suppression of his emotions in season one to finally discovering who he truly is in season three...with each and every season, Viktor's struggles have majorly spoken to me in one way or another.

The scene talking about how he always hated mirrors means so much more to me than I can explain. It was a moment of seeing my own emotions reflected perfectly within a character I already adored. It's a scene that still gives me hope. A scene that reminds me that one day, I will be able to look in the mirror and just be able to see myself.

I had already realized I was nonbinary by the time season two was released. And I still remember texting my friend the moment Viktor's transition was announced, emotional and completely over-the-moon excited at the news.

I still remember watching his transition/coming out scenes in a room with two parents who I wasn't fully out to, hiding my face behind my blanket to keep them from seeing just how wide my smile was.

No matter how things end this season, Viktor will always be one of my comfort characters. And as silly as it may seem, I will always be so thankful to both Elliot Page and the creators of the show for the comfort his character has brought me over the years 💛🤍

[foxflight]

So, I just finished watching Across the Spiderverse-

No spoilers here, but HOLY SHIT YALL-

I’m not even exaggerating when I say this is my favorite movie ever. I had such high expectations from the first one, and this movie managed to surpass them all. So much love, time, work, and dedication was clearly put into this movie, and you can feel it from the start. I’ll most definitely be writing and probably posting plenty of my rambling thoughts tomorrow, once I’ve gathered them a bit. They’ll all be tagged appropriately with spoilers and such.

Seriously y’all. If you haven’t seen these movies, please please PLEASE go watch them. The first one is amazing, and the second one is even better. It’s a worthwhile experience and is one that will leave you with love and appreciation- be that for the story, the characters, the animation, and/or the project as a whole. It’s something special (at least, it is to me) and I’ll most definitely be rewatching it the first chance I get.

[foxflight]

This episode hit me so hard- harder than the rest, honestly. From the moment Ellie and Riley were on screen together, this feeling of familiarity and understanding washed over me. Seeing the two of them with one another- Ellie’s facial expression while holding Riley’s hand as they walked through the mall, the way she looked at Riley when she knew the other girl wasn’t looking, the unspoken ‘I choose you, I feel like I have a home when I’m with you, I love you’ behind the few words Ellie said after Riley spoke of why she was so sure on joining the fireflies, Ellie’s apology after they kissed, the following relief and butterfly-induced joy on Ellie’s face when she realized that Riley felt the same, and the way they both held each other so tightly after being bit- their hands clasped together fiercely…

I felt so seen in all the moments between them. Ellie’s emotions were echos of ones I have felt before, and seeing it portrayed as beautifully as it was here made me sob. It’s something you don’t realize how much you need until you see it. How much it means to be seen for all the experiences you aren’t used to seeing portrayed.

I would go through the entire episode and post all my notes and thoughts and feelings about it, but for now, I need to sit with them all for a little while. To hold onto the warmth in my chest even while I wipe away tears. This show already means a lot to me, and that was only intensified by this episode. Tomorrow, I’ll rewatch it and share all my usual thoughts and feelings here. Tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight, I’ll simply acknowledge how amazing it feels to be truly seen, especially with it being portrayed in a character that already means so much to you. To everyone who worked on the show and the story, thank you. This means more to me, and to others like me, then I can properly put into words 🤍

[foxflight]

Massive Spoilers for the ending of His Dark Materials below

Watching the ending of the show reminded me just how much I hate it. And how unfair it is

These two people- who in their own worlds are so alone- finally found each other. They found someone they could trust, not just with normal things, but with their soul itself. They found the one who can touch their very soul without causing any harm because of how deep their love for each other runs. They found their other half- the person who their soul has always longed to be connected to. They are, in every way, shape or form, each other’s soulmates. There is no one else they will ever love as deeply and fully as they love one another. They went through hell and back to save all of the worlds- and they lost so much along the way. But they had each other…and that made everything else okay. They lost their childhoods to this war, this prophecy, but they found their future in the form of one another. They have always been connected, and always will be. They found their person- they found their home. And yet, because the universe is cruel, they were forced apart under the guise of fate. They’d given everything…and still, the world demanded more of them. And out of the intense love they have for one another…they did as they must. But despite what fate says they have left to do, despite the things that the world ‘needs’ them to accomplish- the truth is that the two of them will never be fully whole. They’ll forever be yearning for one another- and their love is so deep, so unwavering, that even their souls themselves will forever long to be close to one another once again. They will be surrounded by people, but they will forever be alone, unable to reach the one person who knows them fully…the one person who loves every part of them with every part of themself. It has never been fair. And I will forever stick to the belief that they never stopped searching- that one day, despite the painful years apart, they beat all odds once again (the same way they did in the land of the dead, oh so long ago) and make their way back to each other. And upon their loving reunion, the universe will let out a sigh of relief- finally able to breathe freely as these pairs of souls finally return home to one another. Years will go by, and the moment one passes on, the other will be so close behind them that they only need to reach out to hold each other once again. And once they peacefully return to the universe together, they keep their promise. They are tied together so tightly that not even fate or the universe will be able to pull them apart. It will no longer be just Lyra, or just Will. It will be them- together, as they were always meant to be. The two of them will be together in every leaf, in every beam of sunlight, and in every gust of wind. And one day…when the universe creates new life, it will have to create two. One for Lyra, and one for Will. And no matter what, no matter the distance or the circumstances, they will always find each other. Again and again, bound together by their love alone. And each and every time they find one another again, in any lifetime and in any form, the universe will bask in the warmth of their everlasting, unwavering, true love- and it will never dare to try and separate them again. They will forever be one…just as they always should have been.

[foxflight]

Spoilers for episode 9 of HBO The Last of Us

God damn it, this episode fucked me up y’all. In an attempt to not throw up (because that shit got to my head and made me nauseous) imma just,,,find some Joel and Ellie fanfic to read. Tomorrow I’ll come back and talk about it all.

All I’ll say is that Ellie should have never been put in that position- no matter what she would have chosen, if given the choice. Because she is a fourteen year old girl who has lost almost everyone she’s ever loved to the one thing she can never fall victim to. Because no child should ever have to make that kind of choice. Because while Ellie may have wanted to save the world- while she went through hell and back to hopefully be able to- she didn’t want to die. And she should never have had to carry that weight…that guilt on her shoulders. She should have never be put in a position where she was encouraged to ‘save the whole world’ through her death. Because her heart is so big, and her empathy is strong as hell. Because they have convinced her that her purpose is the cure, when it is so much more than that. She was a child. And they were adults, who should have never put her in that spot. Who should have tried researching to see if there was any other way, because killing a child is fucking horrific. Because they should have known better. Because she is so much more than a possible cure. She is a child. She loves bad puns, the moon, horses, airplanes, comic books and her pocket knife. She has lost almost every single person who she has ever loved, and she has been through things that no one should ever have to go through. But she still has her empathy, and her heart- even when the world has tried to snuff out her light time and time again. She deserves to grow up without the weight of the world crushing her. She deserves to spend time growing with Joel beside her- to discover who she is with the person she loves most at her side. She deserves to live, not just survive.

I don’t have a nice way to finish this post, and I may even delete it in the morning. But the final episode made me feel physically ill, and I needed to get this out of my chest.