#rustfree

[cuda16]

Before after

[ru-titley-knives]

@spyderco Tasman Salt with a full moon rising .

[scrapiron-kiss]

I love u bisq but u are the worst thing in the world for my anxiety

[scrapiron-kiss]

cw: internalised ableism

I used to think I had conquered shame, but I realised today its only the shame I knew I would fit. I am not ashamed of being trans, of being horny or kinky or weird or confusing or unhuman or opinionated. I am ashamed of being disabled. I get so angry at those "wow some people do nothing and say firebomb a walmart whilst I write to my MP" and its like its not their fault but I was there, I was "firebombing a walmart" and I just cant. If its not my back its my stomach, if its not that its my anxiety, its my PTSD, I forgot to take my stims. I cant remember, I cant forget, I cant get angry without becoming mute and getting pseudo-paralysis in my legs. I find it harder to communicate, to coordinate, to keep time. I cant even kiss properly.

And everyone around me gives me so much grace and space and they expect nothing of me and I just turn their acceptance around into pitying myself, into feeling unhelpful and unwanted. And every burden someone takes off of me hurts, forcing me to acknowledge how I cant be trusted to set reasonable standards, to meet my own standards, to know my limits.

idk I've never really considered myself disabled for silly cope reasons, but in doing so I think Ive treated some people a bit worse than I could have, not badly just not letting myself see the extent of what they're going through.

[scrapiron-kiss]

Pinned posts decommissioned: 1

Hi, I'm Ira/SIKs. This blog is a horrible place for me to be horrible. Pronouns she/it, I am a weird pervert bug and a giant inscrutable scrapyard, hypothetically in my 20s. Expect posts to oscillate from horny to depressed. I have another blog for serious/important things so that won't be here. Kinks and anything else not tagged other than as described below:

Tagsplanation:

#scrapkisses <- Things Ive reblogged without adding or responding to

#iron_encroachment <- Things Im responding to

#scrapyard_runoff <- my own posts

#rustfree <- excludes hornyposting

#acidresistant <- Excludes mental health posting

#SIKamalgam <- Any media of myself or anything ive made in the real world

[scrapiron-kiss]

There is a deer in my garden and I am torn between thinking "woahg cute majestic young roebuck with little antlers" and it freaking me the fuck out.

I want to chase it I dont like its eyes on me and the shape of its face its too long and large and its proportions are wrong and I could chase it until it tired itself out too much to run and it's eyes are so large and glassy and its so fucked up why are you there why do you walk like that you could kill me so easily.

Photo for reference taken by my wife.

[scrapiron-kiss]

It feels so strange to be so consciously aware of my own learning-through-mimicry. It feels so embarassing to be an adult and to exist in so many places (online & in-person) where I dont know how to exist except at a lurker, trying to drink in enough of the way people talk and interact to know what words to use to conceive of and express how I feel.

Then occasionally I try and do things like this blog as weird exposure therapy that might be fun and I just end up producing that seems uncanny even to me. I suppose its a natural result of the contradiction between: wanting agency and complete control and the means to shape my life and wanting to exercise those things ; and wanted to reject any interaction so I can return to some hypothetical past state without any agency or desire for it and allow myself to be defined by the context around me. Everything is either cowardly desperate and not being sincere enough, or too earnest and too offensive and too presumptuous in its belief that the space should accommodate me.

[scrapiron-kiss]

:###########:

Call me any variant of my url, SIK , or Ira if you want an human name to attach to me; if you know my real name feel free to refer to me by it idc.

Im in my 20s at date of writing, Im trans (it/she), and Im a pervert bug freak. This is my horny posting / mental health posting blog, it exists purely for my own compartmentalization, you can acknowledge my other blog but I wont do so here.

Feel free to interact with me however you like, however I'm socially anxious, autistic and not very online .

Disclaimer:

This is my place and I post things for me, and tags are used to help me organise things how I feel like.Kinks and mental health flavours will not be specifically tagged.

Tagsplanation:

#scrapkisses <- Things Ive reblogged without adding or responding to

#iron_encroachment <- Things Im responding to

#scrapyard_runoff <- my own posts

#rustfree <- excludes hornyposting

#acidresistant <- Excludes mental health posting

#SIKamalgam <- Any media of myself or anything ive made in the real world ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------