It feels so strange to be so consciously aware of my own learning-through-mimicry. It feels so embarassing to be an adult and to exist in so many places (online & in-person) where I dont know how to exist except at a lurker, trying to drink in enough of the way people talk and interact to know what words to use to conceive of and express how I feel.
Then occasionally I try and do things like this blog as weird exposure therapy that might be fun and I just end up producing that seems uncanny even to me. I suppose its a natural result of the contradiction between: wanting agency and complete control and the means to shape my life and wanting to exercise those things ; and wanted to reject any interaction so I can return to some hypothetical past state without any agency or desire for it and allow myself to be defined by the context around me. Everything is either cowardly desperate and not being sincere enough, or too earnest and too offensive and too presumptuous in its belief that the space should accommodate me.