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I can’t do this.

#Ryah.txt #I am a child of the Lord #May 13 #Friday the 13th #feels like everything's okay again #you know how they say 'if you are in love with someone should tell them'#they're actually right #I feel like I fucked so much up #and that's not right #or the right way to do it #or healthy #or okay #that I'm manipulating yet another person #that I care about yet another person #that I broke my record #that I've only ever had to deal with loving someone who was also in love with me #and now I just have to. deal with it.#and I said it wrong #and I should have been better #but I a glad I did #explained so mch #I hate it #but I'm in love with both off them #and that's okay #they don't love you and that's okay.#FINALS! I love.

Personality.

How do people instantly know that I’m a total doormat and they can use me however they would like and I’ll just take it?

#stop letting yourself be swayed by this Ryah #you were never important #Ryah.txt

On one hand.

Mundane things still bring my mind to how the little things will be might have been.

And on the other?

They give me butterflies like I’ve never felt, because I’ve never let myself be lighthearted and joyous like this. It’s not complicated, just an anime dream. I can geek out but not embroil myself in the emotions of the feelings I cannot have. And that leaves me blushing and twisting and talking too much but I don’t care: It makes me happy, and simple, and I won’t let myself take that away.

#acceptance #A #Ryah.txt #love yourself #I'm getting better at it #I haven't had a crush like this #[stupid smile; blushes down to my chest]

“Do you believe in true love?”

Was asked that last night.

The answer is yes, twice.

Though I honestly don’t think I’ll fall in love again. And that’s alright.

SHB, I need you to read this.

When he so casually jokes about being in love with me, I don’t know how to deal with it, or what to do in the moment or how to express how bloody uncomfortable it makes me.

#I know you value personal communication but have absolutely 0% of a clue how to work re: this #and I know you see my posts #so here #please respect me #Ryah.txt #iaihhfsibl

Feelings deluge.

Prepare.

#Ryah.txt

On the topic of:

Relationships.

#Ryah.txt #March 15 #Really?#why do people want them #what are they #am i ace?#am I aro now?#because I wanted this so badly #the marriage and the children and the life #but only with them #and right now I'm watching my friends get embroiled #and I'm wholy uninterested.#I just want to lay on people and make out with them and have friends #is that really too much to ask #because that was good for a while but now I feel very lost #and alone because what kind of crazy doesn't want to 'move on'#or 'replace' prior relationships #I'm happy with how my life has turned out #heartbreak and experiences #but I still am human #I still need relationships with friends and physical contact #and I don't understand how hard that is to understand???#we're all so about subverting heteronormative models of relationships but when it comes to structure #suddenly my feelings and needs are considered weird and unimportant

There's a pair of shoes tied together hanging on the tree outside my window and the wind makes them look like they're dancing.

Does anyone ever just offer you a smoke and it has the complete power to get you out of a weird and terrible headspace.

#how five minutes can remind you of all the skills you aren't using #I STILL CAN'T LIGHT LIGHTERS #it's a fucking struggle #just realised you'll probably see this but I've already finished typing so I'm posting it anyways #Ryah.txt #February 28 #but you already know you're a great friend and that I care about you

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