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How Not To Be A Terrorist 101

A/N: okay so I wanted to write a funny 24 fic, but that’s hard considering what the show is about lmao so this popped into my head and it’s absolutely terrible. This is also just for fun and laughs

Summary: How not to be a terrorist.

WC: 1,231

It was definitely not a boring day at CTU. Jack had brought in a suspect who said everything on his mind… literally everything. It didn’t matter the questions Jack would ask because he would say something totally random.

In the interrogation room, while Jack was questioning him. Nugget, as he demanded to be called, kept fidgeting in his seat.

“You know, you should get laid. I think it’ll help the tension in your shoulders.”

Michelle and Tony were on the other side of the glass, laughing.

“Tell me what I want to know!” Jack yelled, getting into Nugget’s face.

“I do actually know this girl, Mandy, and I’m sure she’d be willing to… help you out if I asked her. I have a free phone call, right?”

“No…” Jack sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. A knock on the door signaled him to walk out of the room to come face to face with Michelle and Tony.

Tony had a smile on his face when Michelle shoved him with her elbow. “You’re not getting anywhere with him,” Tony said, matter of factly.

“No shit,” Jack replied, rolling his eyes.

“Me and Michelle will show you how it’s done.”

“You’re gonna tag team?” He asked.

“Yeah, I mean it’s worth a shot, right?” Michelle chimed in.

The pair walked into the room, Michelle taking a seat in front of Nugget while Tony stood to the side.

“You’re pretty,” he said, looking her up and down.

Tony had to resist the urge to say something because a) it wasn’t his place and b) he and Michelle weren’t even together.

“Why don’t we skip the chivalry and you can tell us what you know.”

“What I know is that you two are incredibly tense around each other which hints at hidden feelings that you two don’t want to share but both feel. And I’m assuming that a quick fuck, if you will, would do the trick.”

Tony and Michelle were completely silent, taking in his words a little too much.

“Well? Am I close?” Nugget asked.

“No,” Michelle answered.

“Maybe?” Tony answered at the same time, causing both of them to look at each other. “Oh well, I mean he’s right about Jack so I just figured- No, don’t change the topic like that,” he said, pointing his finger at Nugget.

“Interesting. I think you two need to have a talk or a hotel room. I mean, I can also leave and give you guys this room?”

“What the hell is going on in here?” Ryan Chappelle asked, walking through the door.

“I was just telling your two agents to work out their problems.”

“Dessler, Almeida, get out of the goddamn room.” He ordered. They both shuffled out the room, tripping over their feet where they found Jack with tears in his eyes from how hard he was laughing.

“You guys want this room instead?” He offered, receiving a glare from both of them. They turned their attention back to the room where Ryan was now questioning him.

“We take things around here very seriously and if you have any information, you need to talk. Now.”

“I can tell you’re a dick,” Nugget retorted.

“Excuse me?”

“I can tell you’re a dick. I can spell it out for you if you like?”

“That won’t be necessary. Can you just please tell us what you know?” He asked, all but begging.

“Weeeell, for starters, I’d get something for the hair up there… or lack thereof,” he said, pointing to the top of Ryan’s head.

Tears sprung to his eyes and he ran out of the room. Chloe walked in a minute later to find Tony, Michelle, and Jack clutching their stomachs.

“This is really unprofessional and I would tell Mr. Chappelle, but he seems very upset right now.” She chided.

“Hey, Chloe? You wanna question him?” Tony asked.

“I’m not an interrogator person.”

“You’ll be fine, we’ll be right here if you need anything,” Jack promised.

“Okaaaay?” Chloe took a seat in front of him. “Nugget? Is that actually your name?”

“The one and only. I was named after a gold nugget that my great great great great great grandad found during the California Gold Rush.”

“That’s… specific. That began on January 24th, 1848. It brought over three hundred thousand people to California from all over the country.”

“You just know that? Off the top of your head?”

“Yeah, I mean, it’s common knowledge. Schools teach it all the time.”

“I can tell that you’re just loads of fun. Between Jack that needs to be laid, the couple who isn’t a couple but should really be a couple, and the balding man, you’re the least interesting yet fascinating person I’ve met so far.”

“Thank you?”

“I haven’t decided if I meant it as a compliment or not yet.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Well, now it feels awkward so what’s your favorite color?” Nugget asked, putting his hand under his chin.

“Um, red maybe? Or purple. Actually yellow. Yeah, I’ll say yellow.” Chloe finally decided.

“Oh em gee! Mine too because gold is yellow and my name is Nugget so it just makes sense, you know?”

“It does actually. Did you know that yellow elicits feelings of happiness and positivity?”

“I know now, I feel it when I look at you,” he replied with a wink.

Chloe turned one shade darker. “Oh, uh, thank you, Nugget. That’s a very sweet thing to say.”

“Anytime, waffle fries.”

“Interview is over,” Jack announced, walking into the room.

“You stealing my girl?” Nugget asked.

“She’s not yours and you’re free to go, we just got some new intel about our real terrorist because you would be an awful one.”

“They don’t exactly teach you that in school, ya know. There’s not a book called ‘How To Be A Terrorist 101’ but there is one called ‘How To Be A Bitch 101’ and you’ve nailed it so far.”

“Ooohhh burn,” Tony called.

“There’s another one called ‘How To Admit Your Feelings For Colleagues That Won’t Get You Rejected 101’ if you’re interested,” Nugget called back.

“Ooohhh burn,” Jack mocked.

“Is he talking about Tony and Michelle?” Chloe asked.

“See, everyone sees it but you two dumb, love-blinded idiots.” Nugget said.

“There is nothing going on between me and Tony!”

“Like hell there is,” Jack said. “Listen to his advice and maybe you two could be happy.”

“I hate to agree, but I agree,” Chloe added.

“I already talked to Division and they don’t give a rat's ass,” Chappelle said, coming out of nowhere and holding a handkerchief to his eyes.

“Why is everyone so interested in our relationship that isn’t even a real relationship?” Michelle asked, averting her gaze to Tony.

“Maybe they’re right…” Tony said.

“What?” Michelle asked in shock.

“Oh my god people, give them the room!” Nugget cried out, ushering everyone out of the room. “Anyways I really gotta get going, but it was… fun meeting all of you. I have a ‘Golden Girl’s’ marathon waiting at home for me so peace out Girl Scouts.” As he was leaving, he mouthed ‘call me’ to Chloe and she gave him a thumbs up.

“It’s been quite a day,” Jack murmured and they all agreed in unison.

“Everyone take the rest of the day off so some people can get their feelings sorted,” Ryan said, grabbing his keys and leaving.