Why doesn't Lawrence fully embrace the river? It's complicated...
Lawrence embodies one of my favorite tropes in media: Some ordinary guy who has stumbled upon knowledge beyond most people's understanding.
Not an academic or an occultist or anyone who could actually use the knowledge of the river, just some guy who works a warehouse job, occasionally takes shrooms, and probably lives off of gas station hot dogs (because fuck it, they're cheap and edible). To me, his story is reminiscent of anyone who has a hyperfixation but doesn't have the vocabulary to articulate it or a group of like-minded people he can share it with.
Lawrence's story is fascinating, as it combines this real world perspective with existential philosophy and Lovecraftian elements. He's someone who has gone to the other side and come back to tell the tale. He exists in a world of opposites: surrounding himself with nature in the middle of the city, existing between life and death, craving affection while pushing people away. Yet, if you were to ask him if his existence is a good one, and if he should keep living as he does now, his answer would probably be a resounding 'no'...
Let's explore this perspective. Lawrence drowned as a kid which caused him to witness the river (fun fact: the term 'martyr' actually comes from the Greek word 'martys', meaning 'witness'. He dies and comes back and is also depicted with a pair of antlers on his head, very similar to a crown of thorns. What did Gatobob mean by this?/hj). This has since alienated him from everyone else in his life, causing him to get bullied and ostracized, resulting in him mistrusting people.
This is someone who has undergone an enormous amount of pain. He has seen what wasn't meant for human eyes, and it made him unrelatable. In Lovecraftian stories, people learning unfathomable truths about the world and the revelation turning them mad is a staple. When someone encounters a truth that shatters their worldview, their mind needs a way to cope and defend itself. Lawrence's method was obsession. Imagine how infuriating it must be. In the BTD-verse, Lawrence is one of the few people who knows what happens to people after they die.
Living is painful. This is inarguable. From the very moment someone is born, they are thrust into existence screaming and covered in blood. Some people, such as Ren and Strade, can't deal with the pain that comes from living and outsources it to others. Lawrence is fully aware of this. This is precisely why the river is so enticing to him. It offers a final respite. It's a way for him to be free of the pain of existence. For this reason, he adores going to the other side and has done so multiple times. But what keeps drawing him back?
When Lawrence chose to meet up with Ren, he probably was filled with doubts. Internally, he figured this was another person who was going to disappoint him or be disappointed by him. However, the compulsion to connect was simply too strong. The allure of having even one friend was good enough for him to keep living. Even when we see him again in TPOF as the lich, he still hasn't given up hope on companionship. Not even his own crumbling biology can keep him away from wanting to love and be loved.
This may seem like a tangent, but bear with me. In the Abrahamic story of Genesis, Adam and Eve eat the fruit of knowledge and get kicked out of paradise. Islam has an interesting perspective on it: this wasn't a punishment, but rather an inevitability. If the fruit of knowledge was before me, and I knew the consequences of eating it, would I? Over a long enough time period, my answer would move closer and closer to 'certainly'. Why? Well, what else is there?
There was a time in my life when I saw no point in living, and I could relate heavily to Lawrence. Yet, what always kept me away from ending it, was the curiosity of what tomorrow would bring. The future was always frightening, but just looking at tomorrow was manageable. I like to think this is the same hope that kept Lawrence coming back to the world of the living. Regardless of what he would think about himself and life, Lawrence's body kept moving him forward. He still chose to meet up with Ren despite being stepped on for his entire life. Compared with the bliss of the river, Lawrence still chooses to keep living, knowing the pain that it would bring. He sticks around to watch the entire movie despite the ending being spoiled for him, because something in it may just surprise him. Why would he do this? Well, he already knows what will happen if he stays in the river, so what else is there?
Eventually, his persistence pays off with the 'good' ending, where he eventually finds someone who had similar experiences and can relate to him. This possibility didn't even occur to him until it finally happens. No matter what type of day you're having, I hope you stick around to see what tomorrow brings. After all, what else is there?
-LiL ☢️
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