#s.w stuff

[soulonoscopys]

it baffles me that people don’t understand whyyy sam kept persisting down the demon blood road. i heard a take on a podcast that he liked the power. no, no, no, power felt good yeah but it’s not because he wanted power. it’s because he didn’t want to feel like a freak, it’s because he wanted to use the evil to do something good. he’s not listening to everyone else’s opinion because if he doesn’t do this and save the world, then he still has to live with having demon blood!! it’s hating himself and trying to prove himself worthy of his own love and of his brother’s love. sam was never purely attracted to power, power was never his fatal flaw. righteousness or pride would be more correct, but those aren’t the motivators here either, although righteousness does push him to think that he’s right about this and everyone else is wrong. but ultimately: he thinks he can do good with the darkness in him, and that’s why he keeps chasing it.

[soulonoscopys]

asdfkjkhj same tho dean

[soulonoscopys]

the fact that sam worries he might be evil and he needs to be good, he wants to be good - and this inherently does make him good. but this boy doesn’t see that.

sam never guilt trips anyone, but rather brings them up, comforts them that they are good (cas, dean, jack)

[soulonoscopys]

04x21 / 07x03

when you hear something enough times, you accept it. It becomes a part of your self-concept

[soulonoscopys]

the way that sam thought of himself as "not clean" when he was a child, and then grew up to find out that he has demon blood in him. and the way he says that it's in him and he can't ever rip it off or scrub it clean. he works out and eats healthy, obsessing over the cholesterol and the carbs. he wants to keep his body clean. when billy sees him infected in s11, she tells him he's unclean. sam's reaction:

and all of this so far is only due to the demon blood. but then he has to let in lucifer, the devil, the most unclean in the biblical sense. and he falls to hell - crawling with damned souls.

when he's back, he feels like he's served his time for all the crap that he's done and maybe he can find peace now. but then the trials come and he realizes he has a chance to be purified. he wants to purify himself so badly, even at the cost of his own death. but he doesn't die, instead, he's saved - and shouldn't that be a gift. but he's saved by the infiltration of an angel in his body. an angel that has committed murder using his hands. his hands are not clean, they never were, but now neither is his body. this body that had served its time in hell and this body that was supposed to be purified by the trials. this body that he took care of to make it clean

hasn't he always been

[soulonoscopys]

the end of houses of the holy makes me go insane. the way sam’s speaking so softly, baring his soul about his faith and why he believes. “maybe i could be saved”. and then we have the song in the background going knock knock knocking on heaven’s door

[soulonoscopys]

so the devil now is my only confidant

the only one who helps me out

sure we get into some trouble

but he never has a doubt

he doesn't leave when things get hard

and i know why that is

he likes to see my life spiral downwards

because then it relates to his

- samantha ellis, devil on my shoulder

[soulonoscopys]

sigh john winchester

both scenes in the same episode. in the first scene dean expresses how horrible it was from his point of view that sam left, and sam realizes he never thought of it like that, that dean would be in so much trouble with john. and dean can't believe that sam just never thought about it from his point of view

and in the second scene, dean says "well, he wasn't the only one you got away from" because he can't believe sam would choose to leave. he can't understand why that would be an important memory for sam. and sam says he just doesn't see family like dean does.

they literally had similar experiences under the same roof, but from such different perspectives and they just can't believe that the other one can't see it from their perspective

cus for dean, sam was his light because dean could never even fathom thinking about any escape. and he could never leave sam in the hands of john. but for sam, independence and freedom was his light. he wasn't completely aware of the responsibility and shielding dean had done for him, and why should he - he was a child. he thought dean was perfect in the eyes of john, dean admired john. he couldn’t fathom dean leaving john or why dean would be so incredibly upset by sam leaving.