#something something thoughts

[sillyruthie]

I wanna fucking know how much Sam suffers if he hands over his dominate arm, like if he's right handed and gave his right hand over- how the fuck does he feel on just- doing anything.

[soulonoscopys]

sam's awe of dean kinda looks like dean's worship of john in the sense that they both idealize the person and in the start cannot see anything but good in them. sam believes dean is braver than him, and is a better person than he could ever be. dean believes the same about john: john is the better man than he could ever be. sam can never live up to dean's expectations, and dean always seems disappointed in him (demon blood, post purgatory). dean can never make john proud and the moment he does, he realizes it's not john but a demon possessing his father. I'm not saying john and dean are the same because they're not, but the relationship of child and caregiver is an interesting one in the winchester family.

[soulonoscopys]

Thank you. Really, thank you. I won't let you down.

their relationship is so uneven at this moment. there is unequal footing between them now because sam went down the dark path and 'betrayed' dean (choosing a demon over dean: ruby). even though sam had been fighting for more equal footing, dean is now even higher up in their relationship because sam needs to prove himself. sam's incredibly thankful that dean is giving him a second chance, but when do they get on equal footing again? when sam goes to hell? but then he comes back without a soul and does some terrible things, and dean saves his soul. still unequal footing. (dean does kill amy in s7 which kind of is his first betrayal against sam - that sam actually counts and stands up for. dean feels incredibly guilty for that but there's no apology and sam ends up agreeing with him). anyways, in s8 sam has let dean down by not looking for him when he was in purgatory, and dean keeps beating him up over it. sam doesn't feel he's enough or worth his brother's admiration or love ("you think i screw up everything i try"). so they're still not on equal footing, sam is the one who 'is lesser'

Do you know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was?

maybe the change starts from s9 - s10 when dean betrays him by letting an angel in. and then dean is on a dark path of his own with the MoC, and this time sam has to pull him away from it. now dean has 'betrayed' him (choosing a demon over sam: crowley) and has done horrible stuff as well. now they've both messed up and let the other one down. (but sam doesn't blame dean for the mark of cain, nor does he blame him for everything he did while he was a demon, like trying to kill him).

dean knows how far off he went (asking if sam wants a divorce and acknowledging that he tried to kill his own brother). but he also points out later that sam did cross some lines in trying to save him ("go dark"). either way, for dean this might be the turning point where he sees himself also as someone who is in the wrong, and not just sam. but sam still keeps dean to a high standard.

maybe it's just younger brother devotion. to sam, dean is nothing but good while sam himself is flawed - more flawed than he believes dean could ever be

"You will never ever hear me say, that you - the real you - is anything but good"

[soulonoscopys]

sigh john winchester

both scenes in the same episode. in the first scene dean expresses how horrible it was from his point of view that sam left, and sam realizes he never thought of it like that, that dean would be in so much trouble with john. and dean can't believe that sam just never thought about it from his point of view

and in the second scene, dean says "well, he wasn't the only one you got away from" because he can't believe sam would choose to leave. he can't understand why that would be an important memory for sam. and sam says he just doesn't see family like dean does.

they literally had similar experiences under the same roof, but from such different perspectives and they just can't believe that the other one can't see it from their perspective

cus for dean, sam was his light because dean could never even fathom thinking about any escape. and he could never leave sam in the hands of john. but for sam, independence and freedom was his light. he wasn't completely aware of the responsibility and shielding dean had done for him, and why should he - he was a child. he thought dean was perfect in the eyes of john, dean admired john. he couldn’t fathom dean leaving john or why dean would be so incredibly upset by sam leaving.

[soulonoscopys]

sam is terrified of lucifer, his breath hitches, chest tightens, he flinches at proximity to the devil. but at the same time, there's this weird closeness.

this familiarity with each other’s presence

[soulonoscopys]

help, thinking about dean again. "this also teaches them what is okay and what is not okay in interpersonal relationships"

reminds me what sam said about john's temperament when he's drinking:

[soulonoscopys]

research for the “sam’s self-concept and the word freak” essay led me to watching this scene in 12x01 again, and it STILL hits me. like the list of people Sam sees that are dead and he specifically has let down include Kevin, Eileen, Dean (x2), his mother and Jessica. like it obviously dredged up his past guilt, and that includes Mary’s death. his fear is that he’s the reason for the people around him dying - their deaths are on him.

“We’re all dead because of you, Sam”

how much of this has been internalised since childhood? and how much of it was reinforced when Jessica died? and how much of it was confirmed in him when he finds out Azazel killed Mary to get to him? He specifically sees Dean dying of hellhounds in 12x01. He must have thought that he’s the reason his brother is dead, which definitely set its stamp on being “cursed”. 

reminds me of this conversation:

then in the same scene of 12x01, we have this:

like he said himself once, he believes he’s the least of them all. and maybe it IS Dean’s words after Charlie’s death that he has internalised. but he already believed that he should have died. he was ready to die at the end of the trials, for good. 

Sam wants to die without causing more pain to others. so in 12x01 he is guilty for all those deaths because he feels he is at fault. others suffer around him, so how is his life worth prioritising? Dean obviously doesn’t believe this so Dean bringing Sam back in s2, saving his life through possession in s9 - they’re all against what Sam firmly believes, which is: