Give What You Can (But Take What You Need)
426 Words. Title from Fall, Fall, Fall by Caamp.
Eddie has a panic attack on shift. This is the aftermath.
Strong. Stable. Level-headed. That’s what people say about him. They call him “protector” and “provider.” Steady Eddie is what they used to say him in the army: Eddie Diaz, calm and collected and oh, so reliable. That is who he’s supposed to be. Someone his friends and family and coworkers can rely on without a second thought. It’s who he’s supposed to be, and yet.
And yet, Eddie is sitting in his living room alone, Chris still at his abuela’s, three hours left of his shift. The house around him is silent, save for the hum of the fridge, and even that is too loud to Eddie’s ears.
“Go home, Eddie,” Bobby had said once they’d returned to the station, his face sympathetic.
“Let me help you,” Buck had pleaded, following him out to the parking lot. And god, did Eddie want to talk to him. To say something, even if it was to apologize for having it happen on shift after he’d promised Buck he’d had it under control.
“I don’t know how,” is the only answer Eddie could give him, sliding into his truck, and shutting the door, leaving no room for Buck’s reply.
So, Eddie sits there, in his living room, alone. In his house, alone. Leaving his shift early, alone. But the silence is good, the solitude is both exactly what he needs and the worst possible thing for him. Sucking it up, dealing with things on his own is all Eddie knows, like muscle memory.
Only now, it’s not only him who knows just how worn, just how tired those muscles are. No, it’s not some secret, tightly locked away inside the most hidden parts of himself. Now, the people who rely on him to be who he has always been, who he was always taught to be, know, and he let them down. He put them in danger, and all he wants to is push it down, push it away, keeping moving forward and repress it, like he always has. Except, he doesn’t work like that anymore, probably hasn’t for longer than he would ever admit to himself.
And he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do now. The only thing he does know, is the moment he lets go, he’ll fall apart, unsure if he’ll ever be able to pick up the pieces. But for tonight, Eddie sits there, knees pulled to his chest, arms wrapped around his shins, holding on as tight as he can, doing whatever he can to keep himself together, just this one final time.
