didn’t want to grief post on this thread, so just venting here for my own piece of mind
digital holonet entry 112824 0714hours
I’ve been on and off coping as grief does, but after seeing that post about not thinking too long about crosshair just reminded me how much I’ve kinda been avoiding drawing him.
I know I recently had a similar conversation with Lupe about this. He will always be favorite overall, but my vision for cross has artistically changed so many times because I think deep down it’s a grief truth for me that I’m struggling with. I have so many crosshair drawings I never posted because they’re just SAD. I didn’t want to turn this to a depression blog so I refrained from posting or deleted those from here.
My husband passed this summer more suddenly than I’d like to think about. He was watching season 3 without me because I was too busy with work at the time. But rewatching it after he passed had me instant hone in on crosshair + connecting the loss of my husband with the loss of tech; which gave a different part in my grief acceptance + a secondary obsession with the brilliant minded clone. It’s a reminder to hold onto everything we created and did, + to always keep thinking about him.
Crosshair returning with his brothers + not having tech there feels twice as suffering knowing what their last interaction was like. And an even deeper personal meaning knowing I see my husband in everything. In our life around us, in how I choose things, how I respond to things. (Which we see + are reminded of that tech is apart of everyone he ever met)
Self regret that we didn’t have time to have a proper last moment. It just ended. Just because you choose to accept they knew you loved them, + vise versa, doesn’t make it easier than you’ll never have them around anymore.
Which with grief, digs the vibro-blade a little deeper because you never know when your last interaction with someone is.
watching how each of them take the notion of what tech would do, picking up where he would take over. I would imagine it would catch crosshair off guard, hearing tinkering to certain data pad beeps, only to look up + see Echo fixing something, or Omega typing away. Because I literally do this with sounds I associate with my late husband.
That feeling never goes away for a loved one. His brother, his batch twin. But omega is a huge part of that healing. And she has been a huge part in mine connecting her with my kid who isn’t giving up on me + needs me. Simple intended motions go such a long way. And the scene were they’re meditating hits hard for me.
Even more so when I’m constantly shaking out my own hand to keep it under control. It’s never easy when it hits, but every scene of cross trying to get his tremors under control, is something I do more often than I care to admit. I just have to keep going.
Not seeing tech with omega, is like realizing I won’t ever see my husband with our son growing up. He’s young, + it feels more unfair. And that hurts. Crosshair is such a dynamic clone + his guilt + hurt reaches out to many people in so many different ways. Which is why I can’t think too long about him either, but he will always be my favorite overall because I see him as me.
From grief, trauma, hand tremors, loss. (if I’m being honest, I’m pretty decent at shooting actual long range rifles) there’s so much to crosshair I personally relate to, and not just his attitude haha!
Crosshair didn’t see his brother fall, but he watched another brother die in his place. An older brother that taught him a lesson he didn’t realize he needed to know until it was too late. We confirmed that from his retaliation of shooting an imperial officer, + when they returned to the deserted base; he instantly moves to set up the memorial buckets as Mayday did. A reminder of the fallen, a reminder that they existed + lived.
A lesson I have to remind myself everyday.
So what I guess I’m also trying to convey, while I see myself as crosshair, despite the grief, the false fight some days, I’ve never felt so alone than having my soulmate gone. Going from a life of fun, banter, + life for granted, to solitude and what feels like isolation.
the clone community really gave me a second chance. At me. At reconnecting with myself, my art, my humor + wit. The friendships I’ve made + are continue to make really are giving me a new fight and a new reason to just keep going.
I never share for sympathy, I don’t want to be put in a “do not interact zone”. That’s the opposite of what I need or want. I just wear my heart on my sleeve + find comfort in just being honest about struggles + how we strive to move on.
as our boy hardcase (+ echo) quote, what I try to embrace:
You know, it's time to try get back on track AGAIN (how many times have I said this already?)
It's been hard time for me lately, and the last few days have been hell for my mental condition, for a lot of reasons.
I'm really trying to control myself and not turn into a crying nightmare all the time
However, recently, the little that I had been holding on to pure hope for the past couple of years has been greatly shaken and finally shattered.
I know that depression, fear of abandonment and other things are to blame for everything, and I should have known better than to trust my depression and worries to anyone at all, I should have been a clown and entertainment for my closed friends, nothing more, so that they wouldn't turn away from me because they get tired (I can't blame them!) well, I won't make that mistake again anyway :D! I just have to TRY REALLY HARD TO SHUT THE HELL UP when I feel bad, it's terribly hard for those who understand what I'm talking about jgkjfgnhfmkj
Welcome for me to a new life that I will build from the broken pieces anew, it's REALLY difficult, but I can handle it over time
all these irl streams with cricket crew has been one of the most genuine content i have ever seen. they all are just being themselves and making jokes with one another and creating meme templates and doing anything that comes to mind and giving as much content and you can tell they are enjoying themselves as well. seeing all these dynamics is so cool in my opinion and this is my favorite type content as they’re just chilling, makes me really happy.
we can also see them become closer friends and seeing all of them have fun is very nice.
I'm just blabbing right now cuz it's my day off and I feel really shitty to be honest but I've been trying to do things to make myself feel less shitty and I've been trying to not judge myself for the things that I do as well, because I recognize that judging myself and attributing certain behaviors as good versus bad is not helpful because they're all just behaviors like there is no judgment but I did buy a little bit of alcohol today like I got these tiny little 99 cent bottles of really strong alcohol and I think it's okay to be drinking them the way that I'm drinking them because they're obviously just a stand in for weed right now because they were 99 cents versus the $14 to $24 that I usually spend on weed and that's just not accessible to me right now but it is reminding me of the last time that I got really really drunk and promised myself I would never drink again because I spent the following night vomiting at least like 12 times and it was the worst I'd ever felt in my entire life and I really hated it but like life is just so shitty right now that I can't do anything but use substances to cope with it because like all I'm doing with my life is grinding away for very little like I work for a living but it's just to make barely enough for rent and therapy and whatever paltry little things I buy in order to get by and I'm just so sick of it like every waking moment is torture and all I do is think about capitalism and all I do is think about how I'm a failure and my body is always in pain and I can't draw as often as I want to and how I used to draw so much more than I do now and I think that maybe now I should try and do something else because there's a level you can reach with alcohol because I know it's a depressant and I know that there's a risk every time I use it that it's just going to make me feel as bad as it did that time I threw up 12 times but like what else am I supposed to do there's nothing else that makes life feel better so like I don't know I just felt like blabbing
