#sanctuary.

[nvght-terrors]

The days have stretched together, now. They've pooled and pressed into flowers I keep in the book by my bed. The longer we've been isolated, the surer I am about you and I.

You've kept me even. Calm. Without you here I'd wander the house like a phantom. Without you here the night terrors would come and I'd fall like a phantom into them.

I want the world to go back to normal. I want to get back to work.

But the beautiful thing about this is mostly it's been blissful getting to know you even more. I notice how you hold your mouse pad and I put it exactly where it needs to be when you go to bed. I notice the way you organize things and make sure to do the same.

Every time you bite your lip in thought I know to offer a suggestion. Every time you freeze up I know to rub your shoulders or kiss you.

We've become synchronized even if everything feels like one long day. I'm afraid the night terrors will return but for now I know I'm safe with you.

[nvght-terrors]

It's 7:45 and you're asleep. The steady rise and fall of your chest is proof enough of that. Finally, you've found your rest. Starks has curled up at the end of the bed and he sighs softly when he notices I'm still awake.

I thought I heard something come through our bedroom door. Thought I felt it sit on the edge of the bed. I thought it touched me for a second but I was wrong.

The sleep deprivation is really getting to me. Being cooped up is getting to me. The only thing keeping me afloat is you with your easy smile and the way that you love me like there's no tomorrow. The melatonin has finally kicked in and I'm so sleepy. I look back down to the edge of the bed and I see nothing.

Just another weird delusion, I guess. I'm getting tired of this curse and what it's doing to me. I'm so terribly afraid something is going to come and steal you away from me and I won't be able to find you.

It's 7:47 and you've curled your arm around me and the last of the paranoia fades away. I'm so tired, so sleepy, and your arm there makes me relax into the bed.

I don't think you'll ever know how much I appreciate you, but I swear that for the rest of my life I'll show you.

I love you, baby.

Goodnight.

[nvght-terrors]

Things are good. The tour has been one of the absolute coolest experiences I’ve had in a long time. Being out here with Ricky, with all of the people that I hold close to me has been the reset I needed. Sometimes I’m restless but that comes with the territory of being overseas. I’m either sleeping too long or too little, but having him here beside me every night has proven to be nothing short of absolutely extraordinary. 

I hope he knows what he does for me. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and all of the time he spent making sure I was okay. Looking back sometimes I feel guilty that he sacrificed so much for me. I hope he knows I’ll spend the rest of my life paying him back in the little ways. The times when he’s not feeling his best and I touch him until he comes back to me, the times when he’s too tired I’ll make sure he has a safe place to sleep. The times when he’s feeling threadbare I’ll give him the very fabric of who I am until he feels like he can face the world again.

I’ve never been this happy. We’ve been planning the wedding, setting up invitations and when we get back we’ll have a couple more things to do so everything is set in stone for November. I want to elope with him now, but our parents and close friends might be a little bit pissed.

[nvght-terrors]

What would I even do if I did find you?

If I found you and I had you within my reach would I move in for the kill?

Would I watch as your eyes go lifeless? Would I laugh?

My life is going so well. I'm getting married to the love of my life, I have friends that love me deeply and I love them in return. I'm seeing my future pan out and for once it doesn't look bleak anymore. It's full of life and promises. It's a wedding and domestic trips to Walmart at 4 in the morning over toilet paper. It's watching my career continue to flourish and grow. It's Ricky's hand in mine forever.

Why can't I let this go? I could forgive you for what happened and what you did. I could forgive you for taking her away. I made a promise that I'd find you but...

You've found me.

I could easily delete the unknown number text because maybe it's a wrong number and I'm just being paranoid. I get texts from wrong people all the time because somebody has a slightly different number from my own.

But the pictures. You can't fake those.

It's the first time I've seen her face in years and my heart feels so deeply fucking hollow. I feel guilt in my chest because I couldn't love her enough because I was in love with someone else but a part of me still went with her when she died.

I understand how delicate this situation is. I could easily send back that you have the wrong number and this whole thing could go back in the box where it belongs.

If I find you, I'll kill you before you kill me.

I promise.

[nvght-terrors]

It's 8:43AM and the water is humming underneath the boat just enough for me to hear it, just enough to synchronize perfectly with your breathing as you sleep on my chest. Your hands are curled around me like I'm the one thing keeping you from going overboard and every time I move, you make a small sound of protest, thinking I'm going to leave you here.

But I'll never leave.

Since the moment this all started something in me knew I'd marry you someday. Since the moment I stepped back into the lounge on the bus and pressed my lips to yours something in me..clicked into place. Like a lock and key. The moment I kissed you my fate was sealed.

I've loved you for far longer than that.

You've moved a little and you're muttering that you love me and you're smiling. You also have kissed my chest no more than five times. My heart aches and aches. I don't even think it's used to being loved this much. It's hard work to navigate the heavy machinery of the heart, but you do it with such effortlessness. You touch me, and I feel okay.

My last night terror was almost a month and a half ago now. I haven't been told if I sleepwalk. Whether it's from spending my nights curled up with you like this or from the pleasant exhaustion that comes with our libidos being in overdrive, I've never slept more peacefully. You make me realize that everything is getting better and it's because I have you.

I keep looking back at the smallest moments that made me fall for you. The soft touch of your hand on the couch on my shoulder while I sleep, the curve of your smile when you're telling me a story, the way you've protected me from myself. From everything in me.

It's 3:44 PM and you're the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. The sunlight is in your hair and on your body. The ocean and you are almost a single entity because you both seem so vast and fathomless and I want to drown in both. You're the piece of the puzzle I couldn't figure out and now that I have, everything is falling into place.

I can't believe how lucky I am. We're getting married. You want me....forever. This is the pull of two souls who've loved each other through time immemorial. This is how it feels to really, truly be loved for who I am.

I hope that I make you feel even a modicum of how you make me feel, because even a drop of this is addictive, even a small kiss feels bigger than anything I've ever experienced.

You've searched me out while you're talking to Joe and you've caught me staring. The small curve of your lips and the way your eyes soften tells me that you do. Thank you for showing me this is what I've been missing, thank you for taking this wild chance with me.

I promise that I'll always be here. I'll never leave you no matter what. You're my home, my shelter, and my heart.

I've never loved anyone the way I love you.

[nvght-terrors]

It's been 2,190 days.

I count each day like it's a blessing and a curse. 2,190 days since I found you in your apartment, your hair soaking up the blood that pooled around you like a small ocean.

2,190 days without you.

2,190 days of grieving you in waves. Especially today. Every year I start tensing up and waiting for the spring that I've coiled myself into to break.

Your headstone felt warm to the touch even though there was snow on the ground. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer this time, but the beautiful boy holding my hand was shivering and I was sinking. I thought you were pulling me down to see you because I could've swore I felt the tug and your hand in mine. I would've willingly gone even a year ago, curling my hands around the bones of your skeleton and letting your ribs impale me. I would've found you somewhere else, somewhere holy, and we would've lived there forevermore.

But he's here now.

Ricky's with me now.

He's given me more than I could've ever asked for. He's filled my bones, muscles, sinew, heart with so much forgiveness. He's given me his time. He's sacrificed so much...for me. I feel terrible to occupy his life the way that I have...he deserved to go his own way so many times. He deserved to not worry about me. Sometimes I get angry when I think of how you had him promise to watch over me because it's a lot of responsibility to be there for someone. I think of all of the opportunities he's missed because I was broken. I hate it for him. It's not like me to not be able to deal with things myself. It's not like me to depend.

But depend on him I have.

I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and I feel guilty for that sometimes too, Anna. I should've been able to love you at this depth, with this much unwavering feeling. I loved you, of course. I still do. I hope you can forgive me for loving him more.

He's kept his promise to watch over me and I am so grateful.

Thank you for being the warmth in my heart and for telling me about shadowboxes. Thank you for immortalizing me in your art in a random person's house. Thank you for holding my hand and my body. Thank you for loving me.

2,190 days without you and I finally feel like I can keep pushing forward. 2,190 days without you and 42 days officially with him.

I hope you like the flowers we left today. They're as red as I remember you before the casket closed and as dark as I know it was when the sun was snuffed out at the last moment.

I miss you today and I'll miss you tomorrow. Ricky and I will never forget you.

I left him to talk to you alone because he said he had some things to tell you that I couldn't know about yet.

I'll see you again soon.

[nvght-terrors]

Committed.

The ceremony was exactly what we needed to seal this. That one day we really are going to be married legally. One day, we’re going to be engaged and planning everything out.

I’m a week out from the day it happened and I’ve never been happier in my life.

I think it’ll be okay because of you.

I love you.