#sarah posts personal things

[quakerhobbit]

hey! hope you, hubby and the kids are doing well during quarantine. i know it can be stressful, especially with little ones, so i just wanted to send you some love!

Thank you SO MUCH, nonnie!

We are doing okay, all things considered. I am very grateful that we don’t have any financial concerns--my husband is still working, and his job is our main source of income and where we get our health insurance. I still have my job, I just can’t work any hours right now except for a bit of online training, but at least I know it’s there whenever the library is open again.

It’s strange, because strictly speaking daily life isn’t super different than it was before; I’ve never had the energy or inclination to be super out-and-about with the kids. Turns out, though, that the few outings a week we did were pretty dang important, especially to my little god-help-me-I-think-this-kid-is-an-extrovert.

Add to that that there were some non-plague upheavals going on in mid-March and things are only now settling a bit. The kid who reacts to stress and change by being constantly defiant and stubborn and scream-y is back to just the regularly scheduled smart-stubborn-three-year-old-ready-to-run-the-world levels of defiant and stubborn and scream-y. The kid who reacts to stress and change by sleeping really, really badly at night is starting to sleep pretty good again on at least some nights.

I’m trying to do better at reaching out; I’m never good at it even under normal circumstances, which is something I need to change, am going to try to start changing now. Last week (I think it was last week--what even is time any more) my former pastor, current mentor and friend hosted a Zoom gathering where a bunch of us chatted and watched some of the LOTR special features from the extended editions and my husband made sure I could participate and it was absolute balm for my soul. Just wholesome nerding with nerdy people.

I’m very, very grateful to live in a house with a big yard that includes a nice flat paved space, because it means the kids and I can still spend lots of time outside while maintaining social distancing, which helps a lot. I bought them their first scooters, some nice little 3-wheeled ones, and they’re really enjoying them.

I think we’re doing a pretty good job of being age-appropriately honest with the kids about what’s going on and why things are different without overwhelming them with fear or anxiety. Obviously they can’t help but pick up on some of the adult’s anxiety, but I don’t fear-monger with them, I just explain as best I can. “I’m sorry, we can’t go to the library, it’s still closed to make sure fewer people get the coronavirus sickness.” That kind of thing. I think they get it as much as they need to. Today my husband had to go to the store, so, following the new CDC recommendation, he made himself a mask out of an old shirt. The kids wanted masks, too, so I tied some shirts around their heads and they ran around the house like that for a few minutes until they got tired of it; alas, I wasn’t able to get pictures, but I thought it was a good example of them taking this pretty in stride (I hope). I’m definitely grateful that they’re young enough that staying home isn’t disrupting their education. Sure, they miss their once-a-week preschool, but at this age they do most of their learning through play anyway.

This was all a very long-winded way of saying that, yes, this is hard, but we’re doing as well as can be expected and have a lot to be thankful for.

Here, have a pic of happy kids on scooters

[quakerhobbit]

One of my pet rats died, my favorite of the four actually, but I’m not even sad yet because I’m too busy being kinda traumatized by the fact that one or more of her cage mates, uh, followed rat instinct to, y’know, clean up.

So that was super horrifying and upsetting and NO THANKS.

I mean, I guess I knew it was something that might happen, but obviously I hoped it wouldn’t, yet here we are.

And now I get to be paranoid, especially since one of the remaining three is her littermate, so she might go sooner rather than later, and the same thing will probably happen to her.

Sorry y’all I just needed to talk into the void I’m really upset and I would have preferred to get to have a little funeral and I guess I could have still but that would’ve meant handling what was left of the body (the way they left it I was able to just pick up the thing it was in and carry it to the outside garbage, which is lucky for me because I’m really squeamish) and I don’t think I could’ve handled that.

Also this week is the one year anniversary of my dad’s death, so fuck you, too, universe.

[quakerhobbit]

Be the sparkly queer Hufflepunk you want to see in the world.

[quakerhobbit]

STAR WARS JAMMIES!!!! I die. Also, is it weird that I love not being able to tell them apart, gender wise? You're right, btw. Impossibly cute.

It is not weird! In fact, it makes me happy! The thing about babies is that, physically, other than genitals, there aren’t yet differences between the sexes. I have a great aunt who was CONVINCED that Sam looked masculine and I’m thinking “what about that sweet chubby baby face is masculine, exactly???”

So I get pretty annoyed about gendered things for babies. ALL the colors are for ALL the people. Which is a long-winded way of saying that I go out of my way to dress them both in ALL THE THINGS, masculine, feminine, and neutral. They’re gonna get enough toxic messages about gender from the culture at large when they’re older; I’m trying to minimize the ones they get from me. Plus, if one or both of them ends up being trans, I don’t want them to, idk, hate their baby pictures because they were always dressed in super gendered stuff that doesn’t match their gender identity. I want my kids to be free to be who they are without having to worry about being told stupid things like “but that’s a girl color,” so I figure that should start now, when we adults are the ones choosing what they wear, so that when they’re old enough to have preferences, I can respect them. (Within reason–I’m told that toddlers and preschoolers can have pretty interesting ideas about what constitutes an appropriate outfit to wear in public.)

[quakerhobbit]

@themegalosaurus tagged me to post a selfie, so here's me with a Sam who needed cuddles to be able to finish his nap.

[quakerhobbit]

Look at my child's punk ass hair. It does that all by itself.

[quakerhobbit]

I get so shocked by how fast babies grow your twins are so big now! They're adorable and look so happy and I'm so happy for your family! Thanks for sharing pictures.

I KNOW, they’re frickin HUGE I can’t believe how big they are and I see them every day! In fact, as of their six month check-up, they’ve basically caught up to term babies in size, which is awesome. And like they’re teething and can almost sit unassisted and are gonna figure out how to crawl any second it’s mindblowing.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments!

[quakerhobbit]

Death doesn’t discriminate Between the sinners and the saints It takes and it takes and it takes

My dad died.

I don’t want to get into the details, so I’ll just say that it was brain cancer, so we knew it would happen eventually, but it was much more sudden than we expected.

My dad died, and we didn’t have the easiest relationship, but for all that he’s pretty damn close to a saint--we had to have his memorial service in the auditorium at the local university, to make sure there would be enough room for all the people.

My dad died, and I can’t stop looking at this picture of one of my brothers and I running after him when we were little.

Or maybe of me running after them, my dad and brother bonded in sports and athletics, and me just wanting to be included. I don’t know.

And I can’t stop thinking about one of the lines from the musical Fun Home.

“Daddy, come back!”

And a line from Lord of the Rings.

“Don’t go where I can’t follow.”

Dad, come back. Don’t go where we can’t follow.

But he did. Four days before my twins, his first grandkids, turned three months old. Two weeks before his and my mom’s 32nd wedding anniversary.

So I keep looking at this picture, this gorgeous picture that one of my great uncles took something like 20 years ago, of my dad and my brother and I playing on the beach at sunset.

Don’t go where I can’t follow.

And we keep living anyway

Daddy, come back.