Trigger Warnings: Hospitalization (rehab, mental institute). Mental health issues (Text Reason to 741741 if you need to reach out for help). Insinuated M x M (if you squint hard enough). Substance abuse (alcohol, pills | call 1-800-662-4357 if you are dealing with this). Weapons (gun, knife). Smoking (cigarettes, weed). Mentions of suicide/attempted suicide (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255). Violence (murder/attempted murder). Mentions of blood. Mentions of therapy sessions (these are not accurate representations, please leave it to proper professionals). Mentions of physical abuse (Call 1-800-799-7233 if you are dealing with domestic violence) WE DO NOT GLORIFY THESE WARNINGS/TRIGGERS; THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY, AND DOES NOT RELATE TO ANY OF THE MEMBERS. IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH ANY OF THESE, PLEASE REACH OUT TO YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES FOR ASSISTANCE, OR THE NUMBERS LISTED ABOVE.
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January 20th, 2018 | 12:05
“Alright Jungkook, are you ready?”
I turn towards Jin-hyung, unable to stop the pout of my lips as hyung’s face is enveloped with worry. He’d run me through what this session would entail for the past week, ensuring me that I’m making great progress...is he second guessing this?
“Yes, hyung,” I assure, a smile playing at the edges of my lips. “I want to get better.”
Jin-hyung nods his head, his pen flicking across the notepad, the sound seemingly loud within the small room. As usual his dark brown hair is slicked back out of his face, exposing his forehead and his scrunched up eyebrows. He’s wearing contacts again today, but I’m not able to see clearly with his eyes casted downwards, his legs crossed to support the notepad in his lap. We stay silent as he takes his notes, and I’m tempted to ask what he’s writing, but I know he won’t tell me.
After what feels like a few minutes, he lifts his head and gives me a smile, his expression still unsure. “Alright then, let’s begin.”
I give a small smile back before leaning into the armchair, forcing my body to relax and prepare. I take five deep breaths, willing the air to fill my lungs completely before expelling them from my body, giving a nod once I’m done.
“Okay, Jungkook. As a reminder, you are completely safe in this room, and I will be here with you to guide you. Should you ever feel unsafe, you only need to say your safeword...do you remember what that is?”
“Lily.”
“Very good. Once you say your safeword, I will quickly direct you back. Do you have any questions for me?”
A shift to my left has my head turning, and I can’t help but give a weary look to the unknown man within the room. I don’t immediately recognize him, but clearly he was allowed access to my session with hyung, his face stoic as his eyes bore into mine. Hyung gives a small cough to direct my attention back, and I practically have to rip my eyes away from the unknown man, the back of my mind tingling with something that I can’t quite figure out.
“No, hyung. I don’t have any questions.”
“Perfect,” he chirps, leaning forward in his chair so that his gaze is level with mine as his hands come together in his lap. “Make sure you are seated comfortably. Your neck and shoulders should be relaxed, your back resting against the back of the seat, and your feet are flat on the ground.”
I immediately follow hyung’s instructions while also ensuring I’m taking deep breaths. Part of me is scared of what’s to come, and the other part of me realizes I can’t keep living obliviously unaware of my past. Hyung only wants to help me so that I can get better, so I can try and have a normal life again. I don’t want to keep feeling trapped.
“We’re going to begin counting down from 5, and as we do, you’re going to slowly let your chin touch your chest. 5...deep breath in as you feel your vision grow hazy. 4...let the air flow out as you blink, feel how your eyelids are tingling. 3...deep breath in, your eyes are feeling heavier and it’s getting more difficult for you to keep them open. 2...breathe out, your eyes are now completely shut. Make sure you continue your deep breaths...1.
Now I want you to imagine a chart of numbers, from one to five. This is the chart of relaxation, where one means you are not relaxed, and five means you are completely relaxed. Now Jungkook, please tell me what number you are feeling this moment, based off of this relaxation chart.”
Five.
“Good, good. Make sure you continue taking deep breaths, and you will notice the chart is gone. As you take in your surroundings, you will find yourself in an empty white room. There is no light in the room, but you do not feel scared because it is still bright. Go ahead and take a moment to ensure you are alone in the white room...are you alone?”
Yes.
“Freeze. You’re facing the north side of the room, and you feel a cool breeze sweep through. Your hair ruffles, but it does not get in your face. You do not feel cold. Bit by bit, turn your body so that you’re facing the south side of the room. As you’re turning, notice that small bits of a sidewalk come into your view. This sidewalk extends past the walls of the room, but that’s alright. Do you see the sidewalk in front of you?”
Yes.
“Perfect. How are you feeling Jungkook?”
Fine.
“Okay. To the left of the sidewalk are ten lamp posts, which will guide you down the sidewalk. Each lamp post rests next to each square section of sidewalk. Go ahead and take a step forward into the first square of sidewalk. I want you to allow your body to further relax as we make our way past each lamp post. Step into the second square...your shoulders are relaxed and your jaw is unclenched. Step into the third square...you’re feeling more relaxed. Step into the fourth square...your body feels light and you feel completely free of tension. Step into the fifth square...your breaths are steady as you take note that there are only five more lamp posts. Step into the sixth square...you’re feeling more and more relaxed. Step into the seventh square...only three more lamp posts. Step into the eighth square...deeper and deeper into relaxation. Step into the ninth square...and now step into the tenth square. You have now come to the end of the sidewalk, with the last lamp post to your left.
Now I want you to imagine a chart of numbers again, but this time from one to ten. This is the chart of deeper relaxation, where one means you are not deeply relaxed, and ten means you are deeply relaxed. Please tell me what number you are feeling this moment, based off of this deeper relaxation chart.”
Ten.
“Jungkook I want you to tell me in what direction you are looking at this chart. Are you looking up at this chart or down at this chart?”
Down.
“Alright, now take a moment to very slowly lift your head away from this chart. Notice how with every centimeter you look away from the chart it begins to disappear, and your field of vision becomes consumed with the sight of a cabin. Do you see the cabin, Jungkook?”
Yes.
“Go ahead and describe the cabin to me.”
It’s two stories tall, with a small porch leading to the front door. The wood is dark, but I can’t tell if that’s because it’s night. There’s a large oak tree to the right of the cabin, a makeshift swing hanging from one of the thick branches. I want to go on the swing.
“Jungkook, I need you to focus on the cabin. It’s approximately the middle of August, and the air is nice and warm. There’s a dirt path that leads up to the cabin, please make your way towards it. As you’re walking towards it, you notice there are some people walking with you. Can you please tell me who is all there?”
I look around, unable to help but smile when I see Jin-hyung to my left, his expression mirroring mine as he carries a pack of beers with him. He gestures towards something to my right, and I quickly turn my head to see Jimin and Yoongi in deep conversation. Shifting my body, I glance behind us to see Namjoon, Hoseok, and Taehyung all cheerily talking. It’s so nice seeing all of my friends.
“Can you tell me why you’re all there, Jungkook?”
We’re here to celebrate the end of summer, it was Yoongi’s idea since he was going to start getting busy producing new music. We all chipped in to rent out the cabin for the weekend.
“That sounds like fun. Now tell me, does Jin only have beer? Or is there something else?”
I...I’m not sure. Jin-hyung is holding a pack of beer. I don’t see anyone else holding anything.
“Go ahead and listen in on the conversation taking place behind you. What are they saying?”
Taehyung is asking Hoseok if he brought anything, and Namjoon is saying that it’s a bad idea. Hoseok says it’s okay, and that he brought a special stash along with the usual. I’m not sure what the special stash is though.
“That’s okay. Let’s continue focusing on your approach to the cabin. You’ve managed to open the door and you all step inside one by one. What’s the first thing everyone starts doing?”
Jin-hyung heads straight for the kitchen to put the beers in the fridge, I can hear him on the phone ordering pizza for all of us as Namjoon joins him. Jimin and Yoongi go for the living room couches, continuing their conversation. Hoseok says he’ll be in the bathroom preparing his stash, and Taehyung goes for the stereo system that sits next to the tv in the living room. Everyone laughs at Taehyung’s choice of music as it blasts throughout the cabin.
“And where do you go, Jungkook?”
I...I stand in the foyer for a bit longer before I join Jin-hyung and Namjoon in the kitchen. They’re standing close to each other and talking in hushed voices, but they both smile when I enter the room. I ask them what they’re talking about, but they tell me not to worry about it. I want to know though, so I ask them again. They look at each other before they look at me, Jin-hyung’s eyebrows come together as Namjoon gestures for me to step closer. They…
“What do they say, Jungkook?”
They...They start talking about Taehyung. About what happened in June.
“What happened in June?”
Taehyung got arrested again. He...he was caught vandalising a building. The cops had brought him into the station, and allowed him to make a call. He called Jin-hyung...but hyung was busy. He wasn’t able to answer the call, so Tae left a voicemail. Later, when hyung was able to listen to the voicemail, Tae was asking him to bail him out. Tae had asked for hyung not to tell Namjoon, because he didn’t want to disappoint him. But Jin-hyung called Namjoon to tell him what happened...only Namjoon doesn’t answer his phone. That’s why Tae is ignoring Jin-hyung...he’s still upset over hyung not answering his call and for telling Namjoon anyways.
“Alright, Jungkook, but why are they talking about this?”
They...they’re worried about Tae. Namjoon said that Tae has been acting more reckless. Getting drunk, getting into fights...Namjoon was worried that Tae would try to...to hurt himself again.
“Taehyung previously tried to hurt himself? How?”
After Tae and Namjoon hyung got arrested together a year ago, Tae’s parents kicked him out. He...he figured he had no point in living and tried to...he tried to…
“Okay, Jungkook. Let’s focus back on where you’re currently at. You’re still in the room with Jin and Namjoon. Can you please tell me what happens next?”
We hear cheering from the other room, so we follow the sound. Hoseok has come out of the bathroom and is passing his special stash to Taehyung. It’s...it’s pills. Hoseok says that they’ll make us feel good as we party, but I don’t like it. I tell them I don’t want to take any, but Taehyung tells me not to be a party pooper. I...I don’t want to ruin the atmosphere, not while everyone is looking at me like that.
I take the pill and pop it back just as Tae goes for another one. Hoseok is whooping with excitement but Namjoon tries to discourage Tae. Taehyung doesn’t even look at him before he’s popping the second pill in his mouth, smiling wide.
“Alright. We’re gonna go ahead and skip forward a little bit. The pizza has arrived, and you’ve all eaten. You’re all feeling pretty good as you drink and talk. Where are you now, Jungkook?”
I’m...I’m in the doorway of the kitchen, listening to Jin hyung trying to talk to Taehyung. Tae isn’t having it, and keeps cursing at hyung, which makes my stomach churn. Hyung keeps trying to apologize, but he’s getting cut off by Tae, and soon their voices get louder. A loud thud rings through the room and out into the hallway, and Namjoon is quick to pick up on the sound, pushing past me and into the kitchen. I’m scared...but I peek my head in and see Jin hyung on the floor, Taehyung on top of him as he punches hyung’s face. Namjoon is just standing there, frozen in shock as hyung’s blood splatters onto the floor. Taehyung...he reaches up to the kitchen counter and grabs a knife...he…
“Jungkook, I need you to take a deep breath. Close your eyes for a moment, and remember that you are safe. I won’t let anything happen to you. Now open your eyes...what do you see?”
Tae stabs hyung...right in the chest. Hyung’s crying, his mouth open and eyes wide from shock. Tae’s eyes...they’re dark and angry, and my teeth chitter as a chill runs down my spine. Taehyung looks up, his eyes locking with mine, and I have the urge to run when I see him stand. Namjoon runs into the kitchen, his legs giving out as he falls down to hyung’s body.
“Jungkook...I thought Namjoon was already in the kitchen?”
I called you guys into the room, and you and Jimin grab Taehyung as I called the cops.
He was - is - in the kitchen. He calls out for help and we run inside.
“Who is ‘we’, Jungkook?”
Me, Jimin, and Yoongi. Namjoon tells us to grab a hold of Tae so he can call the cops. But...Tae is strong. He breaks from our hold and starts running upstairs.
“Where is he going, Jungkook?”
I...I don’t know. I run up the stairs too, passing Hoseok’s passed out body on the couch before I hear footsteps behind me. I’m..I’m scared. I feel panic set in as I stand in the middle of the hallway on the second floor, so I go into the first room on my right. I quickly close the door before I run to the closet, shoving myself inside and covering my mouth.
“Why are you hiding, Jungkook?”
Because I’m scared. I try and listen for footsteps, but I can’t hear properly over the thumping in my ears, a mix of the loud music and my pulse. I jump when the door to the room I’m in flies open, and I hear a scraping sound. I don’t want to move, but the sound of more steps in the distance has me shaking. Whoever is in the room stops, and I peek through the gap in the closet doors. It’s Taehyung...he’s standing in front of the window.
“What is Taehyung doing?”
Nothing...just standing there. I try and quietly step out of the closet, but it doesn’t make a difference. Tae sees my reflection in the mirror, and he begins to turn towards me. I panic, my body is shaking and I see Taehyung smirk...I…
“Tell me what happens Jungkook.”
He jumps out the window.
The glass breaks as his body flies through the window. Large black wings appear on his back, ripping through his clothes, and he’s being carried into the wind.
“Jungkook, I am going to count backwards from five to one. As I’m counting you are going to slowly come back into consciousness. Five.”
He just keeps flying, soaring high into the dark sky, almost blending in with it…
“Four - you feel your body becoming heavier. Three - you feel yourself more aware and focused on where you’re truly at.”
I move closer to the window so that I can try and see him better, but I’m so jealous. He looks so free.
“Two - Jungkook you are going to step back from the window. Your eyes are beginning to tingle and you want to open them.”
Why can’t I be free?
“One - your eyes are open. You are fully aware of your surroundings. Here, Jungkook.”
I turn my head, my eyes becoming wide as I stare at the unfamiliar face in front of me. Realization hits me as a fresh wave of tears spring to my eyes, and I quickly grab for the box of tissues in the Doctor’s hands. All this time...I was hiding from the truth. I didn’t want to remember, but now that I did...I wasn’t sure if it was for the better.
“Do you know who I am, Jungkook?”
I slowly nod my head, grabbing a few more tissues to wipe my nose. “You’re Doctor Kim. Doctor Kim Seojun.”
“That’s right,” he confirms, giving me a small smile. “Do you remember what happened back in August?”
I nod my head before letting it drop, giving up on the tissues as the tears continue to pour out of my eyes, my teeth gripping onto my bottom lip in an attempt to stop my chattering teeth.
“You did a good job, Jungkook, I want you to know that. Now that you remember, I think it would be best if we prevent any visitors from seeing you, just in case you start to regress. Does that sound okay?”
I give a small shrug of my shoulders as I try to contain my tears, but they just don’t seem to stop.
“Do you want another moment, or do you think you’re ready to head back to your room? We can discuss the results of today at a later time.”
I bob my head up and down, standing from my seat just as the Doctor does, and he gestures towards the door. I don’t bother looking at the other figure, just walk to the door, my hand gripping the freezing handle before turning it. The bright lights of the hallway assault my senses, and I duck my head down, gripping the useless tissues in my hands as the sound of footsteps follow behind me. My vision is too blurry to properly look at myself in the reflection of the floor, but that’s fine, I don’t have the courage to face myself at this moment.
It doesn’t take us long to get to my room, the security guard opening my door for me, and I take a step into my room. A moment later, I hear the click of the door closing, but I don’t move. Though my back is facing my room door, I can hear the muffled voice speaking on the opposite side, recognizing it as the Doctor’s.
“Well you have what you were looking for, Detective. I think we should go to my office to continue discu…”
I continue to stand there even when the voices become inaudible as they travel further away.
Grunge on the car stereo,
Top ten greatest hits on TRL
From Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys
To blink-182 and Weezer,
Snack packs at Cinemark,
Peter Piper Pizza,
Butterfinger BBs, Gushers ads,
Sunny Delight and Lunchables,
Woody and Buzz Lightyear,
G. I. Joes and Janes,
X-Men and Spider-Men,
Inline roller skates,
A V-Tech kids laptop,
Disney computer games,
Neon lit mall arcades,
Mortal Kombat, Crazy Taxi,
The House of the Dead,
Handheld Tiger Electronics,
NES then Super Nintendo,
N64 and Sega Saturn,
Video game nostalgia,
ToonHeads,
The real adventures of Jonny Quest,
Gargoyles, Freakazoid!
Nickelodeon slime time,
Cyberpunk films starring Keanu Reeves,
Chris Farley as Tommy Boy,
Mrs. Doubtfire the Genie, “Jumanji,”
Beavis and Butthead do America,
VH1, WCW, WWF,
Y2K bug Scare,
Abe the five dollar bill president,
Johnny Appleseed, Encarta,
Playdoh projects, spelling bees,
Recess, relay week,
Field trips to Gladys Porter Zoo,
Reading Rainbow, the rainbow fish,
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Emerging from its cocoon—
Green worm metamorphosing into a beautiful butterfly
On sprightly playgrounds
During the last days of school,
Trigger Warnings: Hospitalization (rehab, mental institute). Mental health issues (Text Reason to 741741 if you need to reach out for help). Insinuated M x M (if you squint hard enough). Substance abuse (alcohol, pills | call 1-800-662-4357 if you are dealing with this). Weapons (gun, knife). Smoking (cigarettes, weed). Mentions of suicide/attempted suicide (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255). Violence (murder/attempted murder). Mentions of blood. Mentions of therapy sessions (these are not accurate representations, please leave it to proper professionals). Mentions of physical abuse (Call 1-800-799-7233 if you are dealing with domestic violence) WE DO NOT GLORIFY THESE WARNINGS/TRIGGERS; THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY, AND DOES NOT RELATE TO ANY OF THE MEMBERS. IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH ANY OF THESE, PLEASE REACH OUT TO YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES FOR ASSISTANCE, OR THE NUMBERS LISTED ABOVE.
↤ Previous| 06 | Next ↦
December 4th, 2017 | 21:15
The gray building towers ominously in front of Namjoon, sending goosebumps along his arms, the hairs on his neck standing. The dark sky and falling snow only seemed to enhance the looming structure. His toffee colored hair whips back into his eyes as he casts them towards the brightly lit glass doors, the staircase leading up in front of him. His fingers brush the strands away before he steps forward, ascending towards the keypad that rests to the right of the doors. Entering the code easily, the doors click open, his free hand going out to grab the frigid handle.
Sighing gratefully now that he’s out of the cold, Namjoon makes haste towards the elevators, nodding to the man who sits at the front desk.
“Long time no see,” the older man comments, his hand lowering the morning's newspaper.
Namjoon chuckles, his hand smashing the silent elevator button before turning towards the security guard. “How’s the misses?”
“Pfft, a pain in my ass as usual.”
The younger man can’t help but laugh at the response, waving a goodbye when the elevator doors open, and he steps inside. He quickly hits the button for the appropriate floor, thankful when the doors close, a puff of air escaping his lips. The soft elevator music fills the silence before the ding sounds, the doors opening once again, and he steps out into the quiet hallway. It doesn’t take him long to get to the correct door.
Namjoon wraps his knuckles against the door to his hyung’s studio, noting that his friend, who was hard at work, was lost in concentration. Through the narrow rectangular window he could see Yoongi’s figure was hunched over his keyboard. Repeating the gesture, a little stronger this time, the older male finally looks up, his eyes blank for a moment as he’s pulled from the depths of his creativity. Realization hits before he offers a quick smile, waving his friend in. Namjoon steps into the soundproof room, closing the door quietly behind him.
It hasn’t changed much since he was last in the small room, a new white and blue jersey with Yoongi's name on it hanging on the back of the computer chair. The keyboard lying in front of him on the desk, the keyboard stand completely bare to his left. To the right was a huge flat screen tv mounted to the wall, lyrics covering the screen from top to bottom.
Yoongi’s desk is covered from corner to corner, making the younger man anxious when he spots a few cans of energy drinks next to the expensive equipment. A small monitor sits at the back of the desk, a medium sized tv mounted onto the wall above the monitor, acting as a second monitor screen. A somewhat thin poster with the words ‘Genius Lab’ hung above the mounted tv monitor, bringing a small smile to Namjoon’s lips.
Holding up a six pack, Namjoon grins, “Brought some beer.” Yoongi smirks, shaking his head at his friend’s enthusiasm. “How’s the mixing going?”
Leaning back in his chair, Yoongi sighs heavily whilst shoving a hand through his bleach blond locks, “It’s...going.”
“Wanna take a break for a few?” Namjoon queries, dropping into the only spare chair opposite the desk Yoongi was stationed at.
Dropping his hands to his thighs with a smack, the older man shrugs before exhaling, “Sure, why not.”
Namjoon twists off the cap of one of the bottles, passing it to Yoongi before opening one for himself. They both take a few swigs of the bitter alcohol, the once undisturbed atmosphere gradually morphing to one of awkwardness.
Clearing his throat, Namjoon leans forward, elbows resting on his knees. “Any updates on Jimin?”
He watches his hyung’s expression turn dejected, sorrow instantly glazing Yoongi’s dark eyes, weariness weighing heavy on his shoulders. Yoongi sets his half empty beer bottle on his desk, his fingers gripping the glass for a second longer than intended, his lips in a tight line.
“He blames me for that day, ya know?” Yoongi’s voice is full of hurt as he speaks, forcing himself to clear his throat before continuing. “For stopping him with Taehyung, and then with himself. Of course after I got him admitted he refuses my visits, rejects my calls...” He pauses, raking a slightly trembling hand through his hair. “Man, how am I supposed to get the image of his lifeless body in that bathtub out of my head? He hasn’t given me the chance to replace it with a better one.”
“It’s tough, bro. I get it,” Namjoon nods empathetically, leaning back in his chair to take a deep breath.
“That’s an understatement.” Yoongi fidgets with the front pocket of his jeans, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, flipping the carton open to check inside. “Wanna go outside for a smoke?”
Rather than reply, Namjoon stands, following Yoongi out of the studio and down the hall to outside. Night had long since enveloped the area, a half moon glowing high in the evening sky, smiling down almost maniacally at the men. The younger man tries to force his shiver down, facing his hyung instead. Namjoon accepts the offered cigarette from Yoongi, allowing the older man to light the end of it. Leaning against the building, they exhale puffs of smoke into the night air.
“How are the visits with the other one going?”
“Pretty much still the same,” Yoongi sighs, exhaling the smoke from his nose and watching it get swept away with the wind. “The doctor told me they were going to start a new method of treatment.”
Looking over at Yoongi, Namjoon’s brows furrow together in concern. “What kind of treatment?”
Yoongi lets out another puff of smoke before advising, “He wouldn’t go into details because I’m not kin, but he did say that in addition to beginning the new treatment, they were going to start him on a higher dosage of the medication he is currently on.”
“Damn,” Namjoon straightens, stubbing his cigarette bud in the ashtray dome lid of the trash bin near the door. “I can’t believe this is us now.”
“Me neither...”
“Let’s get back inside,” Namjoon grabs at the door, huffing in frustration. “I need another drink.”
